The flames in Riku's gas fireplace hypnotize me, their heat echoed in the feeling of the heavy, warm mug clutched in my hands. Half of the hot cider sits in my belly, giving back the last little bit of comfort that Riku couldn't provide. He rejoins me once he's gotten the fire burning just right, closing the panel over the controls. It's a silent blaze, lacking the pop and crackle of a natural wood fire, but the silence means there's no distractions, nothing to stop us from talking about what happened between us on the street. Still, nothing is said for a long time, both of us staring into the fire, the deafening quiet broken now and then by a soft sip from our mugs. The handspan gap between us feels like a canyon, but neither of us make a move to bridge it.

"Why?"

Riku jumps at the sound of my voice. He's not the only one. The shock of hearing myself speak makes my heart beat faster. Steadying myself by draining the last of my cider, I notice Riku finally turn to face me.

"Is this something we really need to explain, Sora?" When I say nothing, Riku reaches out, taking the still warm mug from my hands and setting it down. The touch of his fingers feels even warmer than the cider; I tense when he puts down his own mug and clasps my hands in his. I'm afraid to look at them, instead staring at the bright gleam of firelight on the glass coffee table. "If we hadn't both wanted it, it wouldn't have happened."

"You kissed me, Riku." My voice sounds broken and raw, like shards of glass embedded in my brain.

"You kissed me back."

"Why did you kiss me?" I'm not letting this go. I can't make sense of any of this without him. I finally glance over at him, startled to see that he's smiling as he gazes at our joined hands. Oh god, he's blushing. He looks so incredibly happy....

"I... well... I like you."

"... excuse me?"

"I like you, Sora." He lifts his eyes to mine, and I suddenly can't breathe past the grapefruit-sized lump in my throat. "A lot. I don't know how else to say it."

It takes me three tries to swallow the lump, and even then I sound more hoarse than ever. "I knew you were gay... I just knew it."

Riku's mouth drops open for a moment before he burst out laughing. Apparently, he's finally lost whatever tenuous hold he had on reality. My face grows hot, the tips of my ears tingling and probably pretty red by now.

"You kissed me back!"

Oh, that's it. Now he's got me spluttering like a fish. I yank my hands away and leap to my feet, but he doesn't look insulted. He just keeps laughing.

"Look... whatever happened... it's nothing. We were tired and emotional... caught up in the moment...." I fumble and flail a little, my words sounding flat even to my ears. "We both needed comfort, I guess...."

Riku slowly stops chuckling, but that gentle smile never wavers. He gets up, and once again I find my hands clasped in his. He is soft against my work-roughened skin, the hands of a privileged life. "You could've pushed me away, Sora."

"Yeah, and I would've hurt your feelings." I tug weakly at his grip, but he holds firm. Funny... I don't feel trapped, just embarrassed. I should want to punch him, but I don't.

"Since when do my feelings matter?" It's not an angry accusation, just a curious question, asked with that same unwavering little smile. "I thought you didn't care about anyone, even yourself."

"... you're always smiling. It wouldn't be the same if you stopped."

That must be the answer he was waiting for. He lets go of my hands, only to draw me into a very warm embrace. My arms loosely circle his waist of their own accord, every inch of my skin from head to toe tingling with a sweet electric charge. Damn it, I feel like singing. I hope Riku slaps me if I burst out with "Kumbayah" or something equally horrid. But no, I don't start singing. I just flap my lips and babble like an idiot, until Riku silences me with a kiss.

The knee-melting feeling from that first kiss comes back full force; I moan brokenly into Riku's mouth. He pulls me against his body as if to draw me into himself, and I find my arms tightening around his waist. In that moment, the kiss turns from gentle to hungry, our wanting mouths clashing awkwardly. I don't remember stumbling backward, but I find myself pressed back against the wall, feeding from Riku as he feeds from me. My hands clutch the back of his shirt, his tongue invading my mouth. Oh shit, where did this come from... where'd he learn to kiss like this? He's no Valentino, but damn... I can't let him go!

i love you

He's not pawing me, but his hands knead my lower back, sending another rush of blissful heat through my thin frame. I'm dying, he'll kill me, I'm sinking into a warm, bright light... I gasp as he breaks the kiss, bending his neck to brush his lips along my jawline and down the arch of my throat.

i love you

My fingers spasm, white-knuckled and clinging to Riku's shirt as if it was my only lifeline. His lips move up my neck and down again in a slow trail, his tongue tasting the salty sweat beginning to rise there. My heart is bursting out of my chest, my blood thundering in my ears, but there is no pain, none at all... this is no seizure....

"... I love you...."

Riku stops dead.

He straightens and looks me right in the eyes, an expression of wide-eyed wonder locked into his features. Whatever sleepy, dreamy feeling I might've had is suddenly gone, my heart still fluttering in my chest like a bird falling from the sky.

I don't know who said it. But it's been said, and it can't be taken back. Not when it was meant with all his... my... our heart....

His arms go slack. I slide downward against the wall until I can slip to the side, away from him, not meeting his shocked gaze again. My coat seems to leap into my hand.

"... later... I'll be back later...." I babble as I race for the door, knowing fully well that I mean it. I will be back. There's no running away this time. There's no desire to run away this time.

He lets me go, out into the winter snows, and I feel the light of his happiness glowing warmly on me even when I'm gone.

It's funny. The more I think about what happened in Riku's penthouse, the less sense I can make of it. It's like... now that I know he's forgiven me for being an ass, we can't seem to keep our hands off each other. How can two strangers go from an uneasy truce to something like this in less than a month? I feel like I'm stuck in a movie. The walk down the streets, riding the bus... I keep looking for cameras the whole time. When I walk into Autumn's, my feet are still moving on their own, carrying me along without my conscious thought.

"Sora! Honey, where have you been?" Teresa rushes over and envelops me in a huge hug. She smells like fresh bread and herbs, so I can't help taking a deep breath as I hug her back.

"It's a long story. Listen... you know I hate asking for favors, but...."

"Hush, sweetheart. You know no favor you could ever ask me would be too much." Teresa smiles and hustles me into the kitchen, pressing a freshly baked cheese roll into my hand. I gulp the roll down as she bustles about the kitchen, getting ready for the dinner crowd. "Just name it and it's yours."

Ugh, I feel dirty asking for this, but.... "Tomorrow's Christmas, and I still haven't gotten Riku anything...."

She touches a finger to my lips, cutting me off gently and leaving a floury fingerprint behind. "Say no more, honey." She washes her hands quickly, then goes to the corner lockers where we always kept our belongings while we were on shift. My heart breaks when I see her take a twenty out of her purse and cross the kitchen again to give it to me.

"Teresa, I...."

"Shh. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to get him something nice. I know you'll find something wonderful."

"... thanks, Teresa." I give her another hug, feeling tears stinging my eyes again. She ruffles my hair as I let go of her slowly, reluctantly moving to leave.

"Sora."

I turn, blinking, the twenty in a death grip in my hand.

"Buy something wonderful... but I think you've already given him the perfect gift."

My face is burning again. I don't think I'll ever stop blushing now. I manage a shy smile, the first Teresa has ever seen from me, and run out before I embarrass myself any further.

Hours later, Riku buzzes me into the penthouse. He's waiting at the door for me when I come in, and we both manage a quiet, shy "hi" before we find ourselves in another gentle hug. Riku's present, generously wrapped by one of the women in the gift shop and nestled in a small shopping bag, hits the carpet with a soft sound as we find ourselves caught up in kissing. They're brief little touches, chaste but sweet, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to break away. I find myself focused on the fiber optic tabletop Christmas tree that Riku set up on the piano in my absence, the little glass ornaments shining in the jeweltoned lights. Setting it up must've been the perfect distraction for him while I was out.

"We've gotta stop doing that." I rub at my cheeks, still staring at the tree. "Stupid teenage hormones...."

Riku chuckles, just as flushed as I am. "It's not so bad, is it?"

I pick up Riku's gift, glad that it's not breakable, and head to my room to stash it for now. Riku waits for me to come back; I hold up my hands in a stopping gesture before he even says another word. "Look, I... I admit it. It's nice and all, I'm just not... shit, I'm just not used to it, okay? I'm kinda... scared...."

"You know I won't hurt you." He reaches out, stroking my hair lightly, and I find myself turning my face to nuzzle my cheek against his palm. What is with me all of a sudden? "I guess my philosophy on this is... we just let things happen as they want to. We stop when we want to, we don't second-guess, and we have no regrets."

"... you've got a good answer for everything, don't you? Wise-ass." I offer a little grin, taking the sting from the insult and making Riku laugh softly.

"Does it sound so unreasonable, though? Do you want to deny yourself?"

In the end, all I can do is shrug. I don't want to think about this anymore. If Riku's right, then there's no point in thinking about it anyway. "So... we've got the rest of today. What do we do?"

Riku grins. "Cheat."

"Huh?"

"When I was little, I was allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve. There's one thing I want you to have today, so we'll keep that tradition alive." Riku looks almost giddy with excitement over this. I feel guilty that he's probably going to shower me with gifts, and I only have one thing to give him.

"... if I give you yours, that's all you're getting, man. I'm not made of airports."

Riku blinks. "Pardon?"

Gotta love American slang expressions. "Never mind. You sure you want to?"

Wow, I've never seen Riku bounce before. He's almost like a little kid. "Let me go get it!"

He turns and runs to his room. I shake my head, going to retrieve the package I just put away. It looks so small, so pathetic, but knowing Riku, he'll love it.

A few minutes later, we're sitting on the couch with that eight inch gap between us again. Riku's gift to me is in a small box, wrapped in deep blue snowflake mylar and tied with a shiny white gauze. My present to him is slightly bigger, the paper a simple silvery white with a green bow.

"You go first, Riku."

It's like I opened a floodgate. Forget his British decorum, he tears into the present eagerly. I brace myself for a disappointed frown....

"Oh, Sora... I've seen these before, but I've never had one...!" He opens the top of the box, brushing his fingers over the little plastic water-filled case inside. It's a Wish Pearl set, bought on a whim because it struck me as being sappy and sentimental, and that's Riku. The small oyster bobs in the water, hiding a randomly colored pearl that, once cleaned off, will go into the small charm that came with the set. The "pearl cage" is shaped like a lotus, its outlines formed by delicate pieces of silver.

"It's stupid, I know...." I blink as Riku leaps up, rushing to the bathroom with the oyster in hand. Following him, I watch him open the case and pour out the water, then use a nail file to pry open the oyster.

"I wonder what color it is... oh!"

A rose-colored pearl rolls into his palm.

Rose, for love. Why am I not surprised? Riku looks like he's tearing up as he carefully washes and dries the pearl, pressing it into the silver charm. Then he holds it out to me by the chain, asking silently. I take the necklace, clasping it around his neck. That's when I realize there's something different about him, but I can't quite figure out what.

"Go on... you open yours."

I'd almost forgotten about his gift to me. I tear it open carefully, blinking at the worn jewelry box nestled in my hand. If it's a diamond ring, I'll be freaked out. I open it slowly, the light catching a warm glimmer inside.

Oh god, I think my heart just stopped. Now I know why Riku looks different.

The pendant sitting in the jewel box is his amber heart, the one he's never without.

"Mom would want me to give it to the most important person in my life," Riku whispers, taking it from me and looping the chain around my neck. The pendant dangles low on my chest, a splash of fiery warmth against the darkness of my clothes.

"... then why are you giving it to me...?" I choke on the words, tears thick in my voice. Please, I can't cry. Not now. I'm supposed to be happy, aren't I?

I expect him to protest with words, to insist that there's no one more important, no one more desired or cherished in his life. But he chooses instead to kiss me for a third time, and I give in all too easily. Every thought melts away, the last screaming protest that this is so wrong buried in a swirling flood of pure, unmitigated happiness. This isn't wrong, it's right. Something deep down inside me is crying out a resounding "yes!" How could I have been so blind?

Okay, I'm still scared. There's so much that hinges on a relationship, and so much that a relationship hinges on, that I'm terrified I'll drown. But it's not enough to make me care that we're both stumbling out of the bathroom, mouths still locked together. Riku backs into the wall with a grunt that echoes into my mouth, making us finally break apart long enough to clumsily make our way into his room.

I'm scared, but I don't stop to think about what we're doing. All that matters is that, for the moment, I feel no regrets.

(To all of you reading this on you're being cheated. There's a LOT more between this next paragraph and that cute little mark above this warning. ;; If you want the unedited version, hit my profile for my fic livejournal. Thanks, and sorry... but I don't want this account deleted. ;)

Riku sighs, his half-mast eyes slipping completely closed. I figure he's already asleep as I shyly rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent as if it's the only way I can be sure he's real.

"Sora, I lo--"

So he's not asleep. My finger is on his lips before he can finish his thought. I can't let him say it... not yet.

"I... I know, Riku. Just go to sleep, okay?"

Thankfully, he doesn't argue. He sleeps instead, and the steady drum of his heart lures me down with him.

Riku is still asleep when I open my eyes, sitting up in his bed with the sheets pooling across my lap. I run a hand through my sweaty hair, watching the early dawn light from the picture window fall across his face in a pale ribbon. He looks even more ruffled than I am, silver hair spread out over the pillow like a lunar corona, but his face is more peaceful than I've ever seen it.

I could almost pretend it didn't happen, if not for the nagging stiffness and soreness....

I actually slept with him. I let Riku take my virginity... okay, I took his in the process, but....

Sliding out of bed quietly so I don't wake him, I set my feet on the thick carpet and stand up. OW. Pain! I guess we really did get a little out of hand. It's not terrible, just unexpected. It'll go away eventually, at least. Sighing, I slowly make my way to the bathroom to shower, letting the hot water soothe my aching body. It's almost a shame to wash away his scent from my skin, but I feel sticky. There's still a little of my semen on my stomach, though Riku got the brunt of it when I came. If I can't smell like sex and Riku, which isn't a good idea, then I can at least use his soap.

I feel much better by the time I'm done, the lingering aftereffects of our passionate tussle having faded somewhat. After pulling on clean boxers and a tank top, I head into the living room. The Christmas tree is still on; I go brew myself some coffee in Riku's French press so I can sip while staring at those cheerful lights shift through the colors of the rainbow. Everything around me feels surreal, like I'm wandering through some crazy waking dream. After a lifetime alone, here I am in someone's home... someone's life... someone's heart. I wonder if I can even be what he wants me to be, if I can truly love him without fear, and I find myself sickened by the idea that I might not be able to. Riku deserves better than me. Someone with a gentle heart like his deserves a lover without cynicism, without all the scars I carry.

Warm arms slide around my chest from behind, an equally comfortable body pressed against my back. I gasp in surprise, managing not to drop my coffee. I think I was expecting him to wake up and find me sooner or later, so I'm not too startled. He touches a kiss to my cheek, eliciting a soft, happy sigh from my lips.

"The bed felt colder when you left."

"Sorry. I just... couldn't sleep anymore. It's almost seven in the morning, you know. We've been asleep for a while." I take another sip of coffee. "Burned a lot of energy, I guess."

"Are you hungry?"

"A little." I'm lying, I'm absolutely ravenous. I just don't want him to let go of me.

"I'll make breakfast." I can feel the way his arms linger even as he releases me; he doesn't want to let go, either. He moves past me into the kitchen, and I find myself watching the play of his muscles under the fair skin of his back. He's only wearing boxers, making for a beautiful view. I stand in the doorway of the kitchen, watching him cook tomato and lox omelettes for us. Damn, he's graceful even when he's doing something as ordinary as making breakfast. It's much better than watching the lights on the tree.

"Riku, about last night...."

He looks up from the skillet, blinking and a little sad. "You're not regretting it, are you?"

I shake my head, watching that simple gesture chase the gloom from his eyes. "I'm just having trouble believing that it happened. Even though my ass hurts, you klutz."

He bites his lip, shoulders shaking as he fights not to laugh. It's infectious, really... I find my lips twitching, and soon I can't hold it back. To hear me laugh startles him, his eyes as wide as a child's upon seeing something for the first time. A smile of utter wonder curves his plush mouth, breaking into bright laughter of his own as he hands me my breakfast.

"Oh, Sora... just eat your omelette!"

TBC