Riku goes to grab a shower after breakfast, leaving me to sit crosslegged on the couch, listening to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra CD he bought when he went shopping. This is my kind of Christmas music, powerful and inspiring, with just enough of a modern edge to keep me interested. It's just what I need as I turn my attention back to the old journal cradled in my lap. There's only a couple of pages left, the rest filled with over two years of writing, but they're all I need. This will be the last entry in this book. Maybe I'll start a new one, but this journal needs to be brought to a close, the pain etched in it tempered with some final words of hope.

Hope... I'm still not sure just when I found that with you, but I know I can feel it. Still, the presence of hope doesn't mean the absence of doubt. Part of me wonders if what you feel for me can really last for a lifetime. How could something so strong exist within a human shell? In the end, will it tear us both apart? I wanted to let you say it last night, curled against you with your arms around me, the dull ache of sex still fresh in my body. I've never wanted anyone to touch me, I would never allow it, but I let you. Why would I let you do that to me, if I didn't feel it, too?

I feel so confused right now, Riku. I've been alone my whole life, and now here you are, working your way into my heart with your easy smile and your compassion. I don't know why you chose me. Maybe someday, I could begin to understand what you see in me. But right now, even with everything you've done for me, I'm afraid I have to ask you for one more thing. I just hope you can forgive me for asking.

Riku, I need you to show me how to love someone. Because even though I'm afraid, even though I don't understand, I think I really might love you.

I wonder if there's anything more to say after that. I click the pen's point back into hiding, staring down at the scrawled words. My writing gets more and more shaky as it goes along, my hand wanting to pour everything out before my courage falters. Maybe I won't even be able to show it to him, but it's there. I made a promise to myself to never tear pages out of this book, so those words will be there until my journal gives in to time and crumbles to nothing.

The bathroom door clicks open right as the phone rings. I yell to Riku to get dressed, that I'll answer it, and snag the closest cordless from its cradle.

"Whitebridge residence."

"Riku?" The voice on the other end is deep, definitely older than me, and heavily accented. It also doesn't sound very happy, like one of those people who goes around with a metaphorical lemon jammed in his mouth.

"Nah, he just got out of the shower. Hold on a sec."

"Wait. Are you the boy who was with my son at the party?"

His son?

Oh shit.

"... Mr. Whitebridge, I assume?"

"Yes." Now he sounds pissed, in a tightly controlled way. "Answer my question. Were you with my son that night?"

"Could've been somebody else. I'm sure Riku has lots of friends." Now I'm getting annoyed. I don't care who this guy is, I don't like his tone at all. Riku must've gotten his personality from his mother, regardless of how little time he had with her.

"None of my son's associates that have a Brooklyn accent are as young as you. I was informed that a young man with an accent like yours caused an unbelievable scene at my gala."

"Sounds like you just answered your own question, buddy."

"Put my son on the phone. Now." Clearly this guy is used to getting his own way. It may be Christmas, but I'm feeling vindictive. I have my own reasons to hate Riku's father.

"Sure, I'll just drag him out here half-dressed. Easier to molest him that way."

I can practically feel the sparks bristling at me through the line. "You little... you won't lay a finger on my son. He's engaged to be married, and I'm certain his fiancee won't be very happy to have a little homewrecker staying in her future home."

"Leah? She's a nice girl. I feel bad for snapping at her, I admit it. But really, I think that made her less unhappy than the shit you're pulling with her and Riku." I feel giddy and lightheaded, unable to stop myself from grinning. With a man as powerful as Sinclair Whitebridge, my actions at the party have pretty much ensured that I'll mysteriously "disappear," never to be seen again. "It's amazing how human your son is, considering he's got you for a father. You talk to him this way, too?"

"Put Riku on the phone now!" Now he's really pissed, screw decorum and all that.

"You wanna ruin his holiday? Why don't you hop on your private jet and fly out here so you can spank him yourself? I mean, he's been a bad boy, being nice to everybody he meets... it's horrible, really." My voice drops lower as I crank up the ice levels. "Or are you too busy today? If you really wanted to be here, you would've been. You're working, when you could've been with your son... aren't you?"

There's a long silence on the other end of the line. No, it's not a complete silence, because I can hear his heavy, fast breathing. Man, I've really dug myself in deep. Riku chooses that moment to emerge from his room, casually dressed and looking slightly confused.

"Sora? Who is it?"

I hold out the phone, grinning crookedly. "It's your dad."

I've never seen Riku's eyes go that wide before. He snags the phone and brings it up to his ear. "Father...?"

The tirade is immediate and loud. Riku winces, holding the phone a good foot from his ear, and we can both still make out almost everything. Sinclair is a raging bull, and I find myself hoping his office is well soundproofed for the sake of his poor secretary. Only when he barks for Riku to acknowledge him does the flood of verbal abuse stop. Riku gingerly brings the phone back to his ear, whispering a "yes, sir" before disconnecting the call. He slumps onto the couch, staring down at the phone in his hands.

"Oh, Sora... why did you do that?"

"Because the guy's an ass. You were right, he doesn't care about you. He's too busy running his company to spend Christmas with his own son. I don't care how much you remind him of your mom. You'd think that would just make him appreciate you more... you're all he has left."

Riku nods once, his expression empty. It's disturbing to see on that normally bright, open face.

"... let me guess. He's busy today, but he'll be here first thing tomorrow to talk to you. Or maybe the next day. Depends on when he's done devouring the competition."

Riku drops the phone, hiding his face in his hands. It's all the answer I need. I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close and stroking his hair. He doesn't cry, but his breath catches a few times as he returns the hug.

"Damn it, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I keep screwing things up, don't I? Look, when he gets here, I'll apologize... do whatever he wants me to do. If he wants me to leave, I will."

Riku's whisper is so soft, I almost miss it. "What about what I want?"

"You'd stand up to your father for me...?" No. No, Riku, I'm not worth this. Don't get yourself in trouble over me. Stand up to him when it's right, but not over me.

He lifts his head from my shoulder, his eyes bright with tears. "You still don't understand, do you? I will stand up to him because of you. I love you, Sora."

He's just yanked the world out from under me. I swallow thickly, unable to answer, and it's all I can do to just nod.

Riku smiles, kissing me gently, sending flutters through my chest. "It's okay. You don't have to say it until you're ready. I know."

He gets up, going to a cabinet in the entertainment center... and starts bringing out presents. Everything's for me, and I feel guilty for my piddling little offerings. Soon I'm surrounded by brightly wrapped gifts, one sitting on my lap on top of my closed journal. I untie and unwrap and open for what seems like an hour, Riku hovering next to me with this huge grin the whole time, unaware of how awful I feel for cheapskating him. He's really paid attention to my tastes: all of the clothes are in dark colors, except for an occasional splash of white or bright red, and only about half are preppy. There's gift certificates to bookstores and music stores, a new digital watch, and... a new journal! This one is covered in expensive leather, the pages like expensive aged parchment edged in silver leaf.

"It's kinda weird that you gave me this... I just finished the last page while you were in the shower." I hand over my old journal. "I want you to read the last entry, okay?"

Riku looks absolutely touched. "Okay... I'll read it while you go open your last present." He points to a pair of huge boxes nestled in the corner. "Just undo the ribbon, don't try to lift them yet."

Okay, now I'm curious. I go to the boxes, opening the closest one with a tug on the huge bow. Four flaps pulled aside, and inside is... oh my god. It's a huge computer monitor. Heart pounding, I open the other box to be greeted by the sight of the computer itself. Judging by the spec sheet laid on top, this is a top of the line personal computer, loaded to the gills with everything I could ever need for writing, gaming, internet....

But it's the soft choking sound from Riku that grabs my attention. He's still reading, but he's almost done. I know when he reaches the end because he gives a little cry, sliding the book off his lap. He's on his feet, a few long strides bringing him into my arms.

"You mean it, Sora?" One tear hits the back of my tank top, the other landing on my bare shoulder.

He holds me like he loves me, protecting me from the whole world, and I only made things worse between him and his father. "Riku, you know your dad's gonna get here sooner or later. Do you really think he'll let me stay? Do you really think he'll tolerate me sleeping with his son?"

"I don't care...."

"I care. I just make things harder for you. You know I'd give anything to stay with you...."

"I don't want anything from you, Sora! I just want you to say you love me!"

"... that's wanting something, Riku...." I feel like I'm drowning again. My hands move over his back, my arms tightening around him in a brief squeeze. "I know you're not trying to buy me, but you've given me so much I feel like I'm taking advantage of you. I don't have anything to offer in return. Even what you want from me... it's not enough to make us equal. Don't you think I want to be worthy of you? I feel like a mud stain on a white carpet, and that's the last thing you need. You deserve somebody... I don't know, somebody happy."

"Aren't you happy with me?"

"I...."

One moment of hesitation might not have been so bad, but the five or six that I'm giving him aren't good. I feel his arms loosen from my waist, and before I can stop myself I've nearly crushed him against me. Riku gasps in surprise, tensing momentarily until I ease up.

"No, wait... don't go...."

"Why? Why shouldn't I go, if you can't accept it?" Riku rests his forehead against mine, our lips so achingly close. I want to kiss him, even if I still break his heart later. How selfish of me. "Tell me, Sora. I have to know for sure."

God, it hurts.

It hurts so much I can hardly breathe. I can't feel Riku's skin against my arms anymore. Aside from the pain in my chest, I think I've gone completely numb. My legs buckle, leaving me sliding down against him.

Riku's cry sounds muffled and thick in my ears. He sinks to his knees, cradling me, until my heart gives one massive throb that reverberates through my entire body.

I jerk against Riku with a strangled gurgle as my senses burn away into golden light. That light spreads outward, and I hear a sound like glass shattering as whatever energy my body has released devours anything in its path.

I feel Riku's arms dissolve, a ringing scream that could be his consumed as well in the wash of power. My consciousness rides that light, helpless as I feel people dying, the very earth shattering, but all I can think of is the first casualty of this insanity.

He's dead.

I killed him and I don't even know how.

I scream, thrashing in the light, until I break free of it. From start to finish, the devastation is so rapid it feels unreal, but it is also complete. There's nothing left except me and the murderous light. Floating in a golden sea, my body my own again, the only pain I feel the ache of grief in my chest. My sob echoes into the empty womb of brilliance around me.

"... Riku...."

sora

He's holding me. Dead he may be, but I can feel his arms around me still. I look up into his eyes, but they aren't his eyes at all. These eyes are featureless spheres of deep violet, set in a face of soft white light. I realize it's not just this being's face, but his entire body... he is light, the gentle glow obscuring his features until my eyes adjust.

That face is my own.

"... who...?"

He smiles at me, holding me to his heart and rocking me slowly. I'm so tired, I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. There's no point.

yes, there is. riku isn't dead, sora. you're Seeing.

"Seeing...?"

what might happen. what will happen, if you can't learn to let go.

"I don't understand."

he loves you. you love him. but it's hard for you to say it. do you know why?

"If I did, I'd be able to get over it...."

it's not so simple. your heart remembers breaking before. you don't want it to break again, so you protect yourself.

I push away, and my mirror image lets me go with a sad but patient smile. "What's happening to me? Why did I collapse? Where's Riku?"

he is right here, with you. you can't see him because of your Sight. you're Seeing another layer right now.

"You're not making any sense. Go away." I turn around, wrapping my arms around myself. I don't even care that I'm apparently naked at the moment. How symbolic. I definitely feel vulnerable right now, though.

you're dying.

"I know that."

no. you're going to die, right now, unless you let go. what you saw, that explosion of light... it will happen if you restrain it any longer. you will destroy this world.

"Restrain what? Stop talking in riddles!"

then for it to make any sense, you must remember.

This time, when the world dissolves, it turns dark and cold.

remember....

"I'm trying to find my friend." I dig out a hastily drawn picture from my pocket, done by a kind artist on another world and based on my detailed description of a face I could never forget. "This is how he looked six years ago, but I'm hoping he hasn't changed much. Have you seen him?"

The old man glances at the picture, his eyes softening. "... yeah. I remember that face. Pretty one, that young man. He appeared a couple of weeks ago, cold and hungry, so we took him in and nursed him back to health." He leans back, chewing on a piece of jerky, and sighs. "He had a good heart, always playing with the village children, helping out... and when the bandits attacked us a week ago, he was right there, fighting alongside us."

My heart leaps into my throat. "He's still here! Where can I find him? Please, you have to tell me!"

The old man points westward, over the hill. I turn and run, ignoring his protests. I sprint so fast my lungs ache in the cool morning air, my hair plastered to my face from the moisture of the fog. Still, I'm laughing as I reach the crest of the hill.

"Riku!"

I clear the rise, and my laughter dies in my throat.

Spread around the base of the hill, protected by trees and an iron fence, is a graveyard.

My feet move on their own, bringing me down the hill and into the open gate. The stones are well-kept and simple, dotted here and there with shading trees, decorated with flowers and trinkets. Toward the back, where the newer graves are, I find the stone I didn't want to see. It's tucked into a quiet little corner, sheltered by the branches of a tree like a weeping willow. It's his name, plus a small inscription... he died defending the children from the bandits. Those same children had left toys and flowers and ribbons on the grave, gratitude for the brave stranger who had saved every last one of them by himself. He was a hero.

And I'd lost him forever. If I'd only been here a week sooner, I could've helped him. I might've saved him.

I curl up on the carpet of flowers, knowing that only a few feet below me, the one person I'd ever really loved was slowly joining the soil of an alien world. Without him, no place would ever be home. My home was destroyed, all of my power useless when it really mattered. The years of searching meant nothing. Even the keyblade couldn't bring back the dead. I'd served it and my destiny for all these years, and this is how I was repaid... with grief that would never, ever end.

When it began to rain, I still laid there. No one moved me from the grave until three days later, when it was time to lay me in my own, beside the one I loved.

you died of a broken heart.

"... I know." And now I understood, though it would never give me the strength to stand in the path of pain again. So many years of keeping people at arm's length, all from an impossible loss. "Why am I alive now? Why am I here, in this city, in this world? It doesn't make sense."

you are not who you think you are. you know this is your second lifetime, but you don't fully understand what your first one meant.

"And you do?"

i was your partner then, as i am now. when you were reborn in this world, you brought me with you. inside you.

"Then who are you?"

He smiles and holds out a hand to me. you can only understand if you accept me... and what i represent.

"And what's that?"

love. your love for peace, for hope, for life. but most of all, your love for the other half of your heart, the one who you were reborn to find.

"Riku...."

take my hand. he needs you. you need him. tell him how you feel, and don't be afraid.

"... reborn... just to see you again...."

you've earned your chance, sora. you both have. you remember now.

"... I remember. I remember everything... they weren't dreams or hallucinations... I remember...."

now you must make riku remember, too.

Hesitation doesn't last this time. I take a deep breath, reach out, and clasp his warm hand in mine.

"I love you, Riku...."

I wish Sora would wake up.

He won't stop seizing, blood runs from his nose, and it's all I can do to just hold him. It's been almost six minutes, the longest seizure he's ever had, and I can't get through to 911 because it's snowing again and they're clogged with accident reports. I'm sobbing, rocking Sora in my arms and praying that it's over soon, but every jerk of his thin frame in my arms is like a slap in the face of hope.

"Please, Sora... you have to wake up! I promise I'll make everything right... I'll even run away with you if you just open your eyes!"

Sora suddenly arches hard in my arms, pushing his chest up and out, heaving a huge gasp of air. Under his dark shirt, right over his heart, a faint light begins to shine. It... doesn't make any sense. I shift him in my arms, getting the loose tank top off, only to feel like I've been punched in the gut. There is a light there, and it's coming from under Sora's skin, a warm golden-white glow just under where his pendant rests. As I watch, the chain of his necklace dissolves like sugar in water, the amber heart sinking into his skin completely.

I am not seeing this. It's not physically or logically possible!

But it is happening.

riku... help me....

Sora?!

set me free....

What? God, I'm so confused... why can I hear him?! That light... is it hurting him somehow?

I gingerly touch the soft glow, yelping when my fingers sink into his chest, the light flaring around my invading hand.

This isn't happening!

Deeper I go, some morbid sense of curiosity fueling the effort. When my hand bumps into something hard and smooth, I feel a flash of panic, wondering if maybe I've reached all the way through to touch his spine. But no, this feels harder than bone, thinner and smoother. Instinctively my fingers curl around it, and I slowly draw back my hand.

What emerges is as beautiful as it is impossible. A shaft of silver, surrounded by a ring of bright, twisted roots of the same metal. The roots blend into a tree trunk, gnarled and slender, but strong, wrapped in thin, leafy, golden vines. I keep pulling, slowly revealing a few feet of silver trunk before it flares out to one side, graceful branches tipped with three bright, sharp, crystal leaves: slender green willow leaf, pointed red maple, jagged golden oak. The massive object finally frees itself from Sora's body with a final burst of bright sparks, leaving the skin unmarked and no longer lit from within. Sora slumps back over my arm, breathing normally, deeply asleep, and blessedly still. I draw him to my chest, my eyes focused on the strange thing I pulled from him. A faint jingle catches my attention, and I hold the tree-like construct higher to get a better look at the root end. Dangling from a curl of root that forms the lowest part of the ring is a short length of silver chain.

At the end of that chain, the two plain silver bands holding it now more like tiny vines with equally tiny leaves, the amber heart gleams at me.

TBC