Chapter Three

The silence which greeted Jesse as he entered Steve's room told him that either the panic had passed or his friend was asleep. He hoped that it was a combination of the two. To his surprise Amanda was sitting at Steve's bedside, his hand held gently in her own.

"Hi." She smiled slightly and rose to her feet. "Let's go outside." She walked quickly into the hallway and pulled Steve's door to behind her. It wasn't closed though and both friends could still see the sleeping form on the bed.

"What happened?" Jesse had a rough idea but when he'd left Steve had been in the company of James Barrington, sullen and unresponsive, but not showing any recognised symptoms of panic.

"Apparently he dismissed his therapist and then suffered a panic attack. He just told me that he was fine and wanted to sleep. But that's twice in one day, Jess, what are we going to do? Mark is no better, I'm so worried about both of them, and that woman, even though she isn't around, she's still hurting them." The anger and pain was apparent in Amanda's eyes and Jesse put an arm around her.

"I know, but she won't beat us, any of us. And Mark and Steve will recover; it'll just take a little time." He paused for a moment and then a smile settled on his lips. "What is this I hear about a celebratory meal for a certain FBI Agent?"

The words did the trick and Amanda was immediately smiling with him. The anger was replaced by an excitement and anticipation which made Jesse's heart lighten just for a while.

ooo

He could hear them talking, they were only in the hallway and their voices floated in to his room in a friendly, soothing kind of way. The words made no sense, they were just outside his auditory reach, but the sounds of those voices, which were more familiar to him than even his own, calmed him enormously.

He needed to feel that way, his mind and his body were not responding and he wasn't used to that. He'd been helpless before, but his mind had belonged to him, not to someone else. He had spent an agonizing amount of time in the ICU when his dad was on death row, but he hadn't panicked, had calmly dealt with everything that was presented to him and it had turned out fine in the end. Why wasn't that happening this time?

He tried again to bring the face of his nemesis up in front of his eyes, but the panic was too close to the surface and he pushed her away. He had to work out the best strategy for getting past his fear so that he could find her and put her where she belonged – behind bars – where she would never be able to threaten his father again.

A deep sigh escaped him, causing a sharp reminder of his broken ribs, as he realised that sending James Barrington away had only delayed the continuation of a recovery he needed to make in double quick time.

"Jess." The one word caused the conversation in the hallway to cease and his two friends, as he had known they would, rushed to his bedside.

"Steve, it's ok, Buddy." Jesse began to immediately check Steve's vital signs, and was relieved to see the heart monitor next to him displaying figures which were well within the safety margins he would need to sign his discharge papers.

"I'm … I'm sorry." The words hurt a little as he spoke and Steve knew that collapsing in an elevator together with two panic attacks had made his tender ribs even sorer than they had been.

"Don't worry. Everything is back as it should be now." He paused but then, noticing something on the machine, spoke again, "You had a little blip a minute or so ago, what caused that?" Jesse looked at the read out and was concerned by what he saw.

"Melosa." The one word again was all any of them needed. Even the mention of the name caused the monitor's figures to race and Jesse took Steve's hand into his own.

"Forget her. Put her out of your mind," Jesse saw Amanda begin to smooth Steve's hair back from his face, speaking softly of nothing in particular as she did so, and gradually her ministrations began to work their magic.

"Steve," Jesse spoke quietly not wanting to agitate his friend, "have a snooze and I'll arrange for meatloaf to be delivered at six sharp. Then you can spend the night and I'll let you go home, ok?"

"Ok. Thanks, Jess, 'Manda." The first tendrils of sleep were already snaking their way around his conscious mind, blurring the edges and, knowing that he could have roughly three hours of uninterrupted rest; Steve didn't even try to argue, but instead just let himself float away.

ooo

The stack of plates which Mark had put to heat ready for the small party had been heavier that he thought and he rested his hands against the kitchen counter as he caught his breath. Never again would he underestimate the pain a patient was suffering after a rib injury … Never again, the words stuck in his brain, he had almost been in a position where he never again saw his son, his friends and what remained of his family. He should have backed off, let Ron and Jesse … the thought hung unfinished, who was he kidding? His son had been kidnapped, tortured and left to die in the desert and still he hadn't been able to let go, to leave well alone. He was a silly old fool who should know better; should know when to quit.

He turned from the counter to try to move away from his thoughts and feelings and his hand caught a glass resting next to him. It flew away towards the floor smashing into a thousand sharp shards.

"Dad?" His son must have been just outside the room, his voice suddenly loud and concerned.

"It's just a glass, I'll deal with it."

"Let me help," Steve came towards him and Mark fired up.

"I said I'll deal with it! I am not totally helpless!"

"I didn't mean to imply you were. Dad? Are you ok?" For the first time Steve looked closely at Mark. Finally, after a night in the hospital and three sessions over two days with James Barrington, he felt he was making some progress and the rest of the world was settling back into place around him. The guilt that was now producing was all for his father.

"Yes, I'm ok. Everything is just dandy." A spasm of pain in his chest caused Mark to catch his breath and he was silent for a few seconds allowing Steve to jump into the fraught conversation.

"I'm gonna cancel this. It's too soon for us to be holding a party."

"No! It has to be now. Has to be … it's a new start. We need a new start."

Steve wasn't sure what he saw in his father's eyes, or heard in his voice, but he knew that to argue would be counter productive and maybe even dangerous so he nodded his head and, knowing that any assistance he offered would be refused, made his way slowly back the way he had come.

ooo

Jesse carefully put the shaver back in the bathroom cabinet. If he didn't position it just so everything else fell out. Of course, it would make more sense to clear the entire thing and start over, but he only remembered that when he slid the door across and saw the beginnings of a small pharmaceutical avalanche.

Once the doors were closed he looked at himself in the mirrored fronts and sighed. His hair was still sticking up, it didn't matter what he did with it there were always bits which got away. He stared into his own blue eyes and wondered for a moment what other people saw. Some people, he knew, saw a young man, younger than he actually was, they saw an enthusiastic clown, and they didn't see the real him.

The last month had proved to Jesse that he could certainly handle himself in a crisis. There had been other crises too which he had coped with, but this one, this one had been without Steve. Been without the rock which usually anchored his slightly bouncy world in one place, but he had coped and survived intact, and now it was up to him to make sure that his three best friends did the same. Steve and Mark both still worried him, Steve not so much as he had a couple of days ago. James Barrington had finally broken through the Sloan reserve and they were even calling each other by their first names. It would take a while but Jesse knew that Steve had begun to take the initial steps to a recovery which he had every hope would be a complete one.

Mark though was still causing him grave concern. He desperately wanted to discuss the elder doctor with someone, preferably Steve. But not only was there doctor – patient confidentiality to take into account, but also the fact that the complete recovery he had just been contemplating could be jeopardised if Steve realised how much his father was suffering.

Jesse planned to take his boss and friend aside after the meal this evening and try once again to get through to him that he needed to share his pain with someone. But he wasn't hopeful of any great amount of success.

With a sigh he made his way into the bedroom and plonked himself down on the bed. He still had at least an hour before he had to leave for Malibu and he hadn't had a lot of sleep over the last few days. As he lay back and closed his eyes his last conscious thoughts were of Amanda and how she was coping.

ooo

Her dress was laid out on the bed, shoes underneath it on the carpet and her make up was done. Amanda looked at herself in the glass of her dressing table mirror and tried to ignore the deep circles which could still be seen underneath her eyes.

No one had said very much about them but her staff had definitely been carrying her this past week and although she appreciated it greatly it also infuriated her that it had been necessary.

Her mind made its way to the previous morning when finally the wall she had built around herself in the waiting room of the hospital in Nevada came down. She hadn't told Ron about it, but she would, when the time was right she would share, because if she didn't then she had a feeling that the emotions would never ever quite leave her.

The body had been waiting for her when she arrived for work. A twenty-eight year old Caucasian male who had been found bound and gagged by a roadside a little after eleven the previous evening.

She hadn't been called to the scene, and so was interested to see what secrets the John Doe was trying to keep from her. She had worked her way down the body noting various injuries which, to her mind, were in keeping with a severe beating that had eventually resulted in death. It was when she turned the man over that the earth had shifted and she had thought she would pass out.

Her assistant had rushed to her aid, sat her down behind her desk and put a call through to Jesse. Maybe she had actually lost consciousness because he seemed to be there in an instant and the next thing she really knew she was in an exam room a blood pressure cuff on her arm and a worried doctor at her shoulder.

"Jess?"

"Shhh, don't talk for a little while, just gather yourself back together first." She had felt his soft fingers warm across her wrist as he took her pulse, closed her eyes and done as she was told.

"Now, do you want to tell me what happened?" Jesse had finally allowed her to sit up and she was anxious to get back to work.

The question had confused her for a few moments but then the memory had rushed back at her and she'd gasped, covering her mouth with her hand as tears filled her eyes.

"The whip."

"What?" Even the one word had been spoken in a gentle and caring way and Amanda had been so glad that it was Jesse who was sitting listening to her. No one else would understand what she was about to say.

"I … I had a body, he'd been beaten, kicked, punched and when I turned him over …" She closed her eyes for a second but knew that she would continue. "His back was covered with marks from a whip."

Jesse had said nothing, just taken her into his arms and she had let the emotions out which had been hiding beneath the surface since she had realised that Steve had been attacked with a riding crop.

"He … he must have suf … suffered so m … much." The tears soaked into Jesse's shirt but still he had held her, whispering soft words of encouragement, and eventually she had been able to pull away and look him in the eye.

"What would we have done if she'd succeeded? She came so close." The question which had been haunting her finally came out and she looked to her friend to provide the answer she was seeking.

"I know she did, but the gods were on our side. The good guys won, and even though it'll take some time we will get back as close as possible to where we were before this happened."

Somehow his words, similar to those she had been trying to use to persuade herself of a safe and secure future, began to calm her racing heart and brain. She had held him tight as his confidence and certainty permeated her soul and when she had left his side to return to her work the seeds of hope had already found a fertile place to begin their new growth.

ooo

Steve sat on the sofa and looked at the scene before him. It was so obviously false that he felt as if he was watching a play. Jesse was the only one of them who seemed to be acting the way he normally did. The plate he held in his hand was full to overflowing with ribs, salad and fries and he was investigating the possibility of putting a serving of coleslaw on there too.

Ron and Amanda seemed embarrassed to even be at the beach house. They had plates with food on but nothing was being eaten and they were talking quietly to each other, occasionally glancing over at his father, worried expressions on both their faces.

He too was spending most of his time watching his dad. Mark had been the epitome of the genial host, almost, but not quite, his normal self and Steve had a feeling that the act would have fooled anyone who didn't know him well. They all did know him well though and none of them had been taken in for a moment.

Ever since he had heard the glass break Steve had been thinking and he knew that once everyone left he would make sure that he got his father to sit down and actually talk to him.

How could he have been so narrow minded, so self centred, so totally absorbed in his own problems to the exclusion of everything else which was going on? He knew he was a selfish man; the fact that he was still a cop when his dad would rather he be anything else was testimony to that fact, but to ignore so many things which were right under his own nose? He hadn't thought he had that in him.

As Steve watched his father make a slow and painful, at least to watch, journey towards the table a pager began to go off. He automatically felt for his only to realise that he wouldn't be being contacted for at least another month if not longer. Jesse ignored the noise but Ron pulled a face and Steve had known that the party was effectively over.

The tall FBI agent made his way closer to his host and placed a regretful hand on his shoulder.

"Mark, I have to go. Thank you for the welcome. I know I'll see you soon."

"Already? But the night is young." Mark wondered what it was that had called the man away, his interest flaring momentarily but then it was gone.

"It won't be by the time I'm done. We came in separate cars so Amanda will stay a little longer. Steve, I'll see you too." He nodded in the direction of the one man he counted as a true friend, and then reconsidered; Jesse was tucking into his meal at the table and Ron realised that he too was someone he knew he could call on in an emergency. It was a reassuring feeling.

ooo

As he knew it would the party had broken up after Ron left. Jesse had made himself up a considerable sized doggie bag and then, with mumblings about advice needed on a patient, had carefully directed Mark to a quiet corner where he could be seen talking in earnest with him.

Amanda had sat quietly with Steve for a few minutes, he had looked deep into her eyes and been concerned by what he saw.

"What's wrong?"

"Not as much as there was."

He wasn't sure how to reply to the cryptic response and so, like the good cop he was, Steve waited.

"I had a case yesterday …" She looked away, felt his finger as it rested underneath her chin and gently pushed her face up so that she was unable to avoid his blue-eyed gaze.

"And?"

"And he had been beaten with a whip." The sharp intake of breath had hurt and surprised him.

"I'm sorry, I won't say any more."

"You don't have to. She whipped me, with a riding crop that split the skin. The scars will always be there, I have no way to get away from that … but you do. Honey, you can't let what happened to me affect you and the way you do your job. You're the best there is, in my opinion, and I need to know that you're there working my cases, and there will be more cases, because she won't beat me, or you either."

The words had gotten stronger the longer he spoke and Steve found himself growing in strength with them. He had again lifted her face towards him and planted a soft and gentle kiss on her forehead. "She won't beat us because together we are stronger than she will ever be and if we talk these things through then they won't take us over."

"I know and I have, talked about this I mean, it's not easy, I've cried over it too, but your dad … Steve." She couldn't continue, her own problems fading into insignificance as she thought about Mark and the pain she saw haunting his eyes.

"I know, I didn't, but I do now. Don't worry, just be there, in the background, because I know I'm gonna need you and Jesse to help me. Let me start it but he's hurting so much and I'm not enough on my own…" Steve trailed off; there weren't words to convey his worry and concerns.

"We'll be here, just as you are for us." This time it was Amanda who kissed Steve on the cheek and then she got to her feet. "But first of all I have to be there for my mother and relieve her of her babysitting duties. I'll call by tomorrow. No, don't get up. I know my way out."

"I should hope so. Bye, Amanda." He watched her go with a feeling of satisfaction inside of him. Following on from what he and James had talked about over the last couple of days he was relieved that she had broken down and let some of her feelings out. The fact that she had been able to tell him about it as well was a good sign and he knew that he didn't need to worry about her, well, not any more than he usually did at any rate.

As the seat beside him was vacated, Steve watched his other friend come and fill it. He looked past him to see Amanda kiss Mark on the cheek, get very little response and then with a heavy sigh pick up her purse and make her way out of the house.

"Steve, how're you feeling?"

"Better. You were right, James Barrington is a good guy … thanks."

"Hey, all part of the service. Did Amanda …?" Jesse trailed off but Steve knew instantly that Amanda had already told his friend about what had happened to her.

"Yeah, she did. But I think she'll be alright, y'know?"

"Oh, three visits with a shrink and he's an expert!"

"I thought it was you who'd visited a shrink – didn't you use to be six foot eight?"

"Oh, funny guy!" Jesse shook his head but inside he was cheering for all he was worth. The banter, which he hadn't realised how much he'd missed, had returned. He wasn't naïve enough to think that Steve was back to normal, that couldn't be, not yet, but he was taking steps, far bigger steps than his dad.

"Steve, I have to go. I spoke to your dad …"

"And got nowhere, I'll bet. And I thought I was stubborn. Jess, I'll speak to him, but I don't want to upset him, or make him feel worse than he's obviously feeling right now. How do I do that?"

For a moment Jesse thought and then with a sigh began to speak. "I don't know that you can. I have no way of telling you any of what we've talked about, but what I can say is that none of it has been of consequence."

"Ok. Thanks. Look, you go, Jesse, I'll talk to him, if I need you, or Amanda, I'll call. And, Jess?" Steve suddenly realised that there was something else he had to say.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, you saved his life and mine. I should have said something."

"Goes with the white coat and the stethoscope, but trust me it was my pleasure, and the hospital in Nevada had a lot to do with both of you still being here. I'll see you tomorrow, Buddy."

Steve acknowledged Jesse with a raise of his left hand and then again he watched as a friend gathered up his belongings, this time including the large doggie bag, and left him and his father alone.

ooo

The conversation had been stilted and far more difficult than even Steve had imagined. For over an hour the words had been monosyllabic and Mark, usually so upbeat, so confident, so verbose, had been unable to even look his son in the eye. Steve had bit back on the words of anger which fought for freedom, knowing that the situation was his fault and ultimately only he could reach his father. He also knew that shouting would have the totally opposite effect to that which he desired and so he had kept his voice soft and low, as if speaking to a child, but still nothing was getting through.

"Dad, please, look at me. I want to help you, just as you have always helped me in the past."

"Have I? How can you sit there in obvious pain and say that?" It was the longest sentence he'd uttered since Jesse had left.

"What? Of course I can say that. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for you. I've always known that."

"No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't have been chained to a wall, you wouldn't have been beaten to within an inch of your life, you wouldn't have been left in the desert to die and you wouldn't have been set upon by dogs." Mark paused for a second to take a breath. "Oh, you are so right, without me you certainly wouldn't be where you are today." The torrent of words stopped as abruptly as it had started, but finally Steve realised what the problem was. He saw the usually loving eyes in front of him full of pain and tears and his own throat constricted but he fought past it and spoke.

"You think this is your fault?"

"No, I don't think it, I know it. 'This is what happens when you play detective. The law isn't for amateurs; it is the professionals who suffer.' That's what she said and she was right."

"Dad, I know I suffered, and so did you, but not because of anything either of us had done. The woman is a fruit loop but I will not let her turn you away from what you do best."

"She doesn't have to. I'm done. No more. I'll resign from my post as consultant to the police department, give the board at Community General six months to find a successor as Head of Internal Medicine and then do what I should have done years ago and retire gracefully." Mark was the most animated he had been for a while but as the words finished he seemed to fold back in on himself.

The shock which he felt prevented Steve from answering right away and as he paused a noise was heard in the silence as a hand knocked on the front door.

"I'll get it." He cursed the timing of the visitor wishing he could ignore the sound, but knowing that he had to answer it. He saw the face of a woman peering through the glass, a stranger, not known to him and he undid the catch but kept his foot against the door opening it only slightly.

"You are, Mr Sloan?" The accent wasn't American; at a guess he would have said maybe Russian. "Mr Mark Sloan?"

"No, that's my dad."

"But he is here?" She saw Steve nod and continued. "This is for you. You pay me, da?"

Steve had already seen that she had a courier's badge on her lapel and he fished about in his pocket for his wallet. "How much?"

"Ten dollars, plus tip." She smiled and Steve sincerely hoped that she would spend some of her money on toothpaste.

"Fifteen, thank you." He took the package through the narrow opening, signed his name on her address sheet and then watched as the courier ran down the steps before he closed the door. For a minute or two he stood facing the stairs to his own apartment, the implications of his father's words permeating his brain, and then, just as he shook himself back to reality, the doorbell rang again causing him to almost jump out of his skin. He turned back towards it and smiled as he saw Cheryl waiting to be let in.

"What's that?" Her voice was sharp and Steve felt his heart begin to beat wildly.

"Just … just a package. It's for dad why?"

"Don't touch it any more than you already have, and certainly don't open it."

"Cheryl, Jesse, where did you come from … what is it?" He hadn't seen his best friend arrive, but he was now standing with his partner and the anxiety on both their faces scared him. The blood was rushing through his ears and although he didn't want to know what was wrong he had to ask.

"We just got a report that Amanda's car was located on the side of PCH, the engine was still running, but she is nowhere to be found."