Chapter 6
Kirsten woke with a start. "Damn alarm!" she growled. Well it was 8am. She was awake. And she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep so she swung her legs out of bed and grabbed her dressing gown. She turned to see Sandy sprawled on top of the sheets. His mop of hair in a tangle and his mouth open. She thought he looked adorable even when he was asleep. She gently kissed him on the forehead secretly hoping to wake him. She was drained from the events of the previous day and she longed to be in Sandy's arms if not for a second. But he didn't stir. He simply let out a grunt and rolled over to her side if the bed. "At least the spark's still there," she joked to herself.
As she made her way downstairs she heard the rustling of a newspaper in the kitchen and she realised that Ryan was already up. She walked into the kitchen to find Ryan sitting looking rather dishevelled in his white beater and old shorts. "Sleep well?" she asked brightly.
"Like a log," he simply said. There was an uncomfortable silence as she and Ryan stared at each other but it was interrupted when Ryan said, "Look. About yesterday I just really wanna say that I ... well I just... that... I really appreciate what you did. I mean I've never had anyone who actually cared about me before you know? It's just that I uh... thanks." He finished weakly.
"I'm glad that you finally know that I do care about you. And you know you were there for me too. I guess I wanna thank you for that," she replied.
There was a silence. Kirsten was taken aback that she was the first one to mention the abortion. Damn!
"Yeah. Look about that whole thing. I didn't mean to bring it up. It's your business and I had no right to say that to you and I promise I won't mention it to Sandy. I don't think he would appreciate me knowing.
Kirsten looked into her coffee. "Well the thing about that Ryan is that uh... well you and Theresa are the only people that know about it."
"What do you mean? Didn't you didn't tell him?"
"Well he wasn't the father Ryan."
"I... I am so sorry I just assumed that you had told him and there I go and ask a stupid question. I'm sorry," Ryan blushed. "Idiot!" he told himself. "Then... I... well... I really do promise that I won't say anything."
"Don't worry. I can't ask you to do that for me. It would mean you would need to lie to Sandy and Seth and I can't do that to you.
A silence followed
"I've thought about it and I've decided to tell Sandy myself."
Ryan had been back for a week and Kirsten was feeling pressured to tell Sandy.
Not that Ryan had mentioned anything to her about it but still... she could feel his gaze upon them every morning. She knew he was checking what mood they were both in. When he saw everything was normal he'd go back to eating his cereal. Seth and Sandy, oblivious to anything, went on as usual.
She made her way out to the poolside. She settled herself on a lounger and stared out to sea. She began to reminisce about her younger days with Sandy. His sharp blue eyes piercing into her under those thick eyebrows. She remembered when she had tried to pluck them while he was sleeping but when he woke up and realised what she was doing he pinned her to the floor and tickled her, which she hated, until she dropped the tweezers. She laughed sadly and a single tear rolled down her cheek when she realised that they would probably never be that way again after she revealed her darkest secret.
She thought back to her night of infidelity with Jimmy Cooper.
She and Sandy had been arguing. He hated the way her father treated her and the way she pandered to him. He told her that he didn't know that he could do it anymore and he needed space. Kirsten didn't know what to say. She stared at him open mouthed when he suggested they take a break. She refused to cry in front of him. She didn't show the signs of her heart breaking in two. She silently left his apartment. She could hear him smashing the glass he had in his hand against the wall. She couldn't understand why he did this. She knew he loved her even though they hadn't said this to each other yet. She walked across town toward her dorm.
When she got to the floor of her dorm she found a huddled up figure sitting on the floor just outside her door. When he noticed her he swept her up in his arms, "Hey how ya doin' kiddo?" Kirsten couldn't reply. She broke down into tears as he set her back on the ground. She searched through her bag until she found her keys and she let them both in. Her roommate was out so they had the place to themselves. She sat perched on the edge of the couch as she explained her situation. He made coffee and listened intently as she got everything off her mind. "Come on now kiddo, you know that this isn't the end for you and Sandy. You're stronger than this. You love each other." There was silence as Jimmy studied Kirsten's grey/blue eyes. Her mouth curled up into a small knowing smile with her long blonde hair covering her face. "Do you think we could talk about something else?" she asked.
Jimmy talked about his new wife Julie. He explained that she was from Riverside and Kirsten began to play with a hair clasp sitting on the coffee table. Jimmy stopped realising what he was saying, "Kirsten what happened between me and Julie... I didn't mean to hurt you. It just happened." Kirsten nodded in agreement but Jimmy continued, "I never got to tell you how sorry I am. I was drunk and she was just there. I'm sorry I didn't..." But he was interrupted by Kirsten who felt the anger building up inside of her, "Why are you sorry Jimmy? That you did it? Or that you got caught?" Jimmy looked at his feet, "You know the answer to that." Kirsten began to cry again. Jimmy looked over at her, "Kirsten...? How did I get caught? I have no idea how you even found out about it. I mean I was in Vegas and you were in Newport with your family. I mean I got home from Vegas and you told me it was over. No explanation. Did my brother tell you?"
"No."
"What then?"
"I wanted to surprise you." Kirsten tried to stop the tears rolling down her face but she couldn't. "What do you mean?"
"I came to Vegas for your birthday to surprise you. I was in your hotel room when you came home with her. I snuck out after you two kissed."
"How did I not see you?"
"You were a little preoccupied."
"Kirsten I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to put you through that."
Kirsten got up and made some more coffee to distract herself from the twisting feeling she had in the pit of her stomach. She didn't hate Jimmy. She couldn't. It was Julie she hated. In that moment she could have killed her. Jimmy came up behind her, "Please talk to me. Tell me how you're feeling right now," It was then at that moment Kirsten made the biggest mistake of he life. She leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated for a second but he looked at Kirsten. The girl that he was truly in love with. His soul mate. He kissed her back.
A week later Kirsten pulled up outside the clinic feeling a familiar twisting in her stomach. She informed the receptionist that she had made an appointment and she waited on the hard grey chairs in the waiting room. She couldn't believe what was happening. She had broken up with her boyfriend on the same night she was impregnated by her ex. She knew she only did it to get back at Julie. She wanted to break them up but not so as she could have him for herself. She loved Sandy but she wanted Julie to feel some of the pain she had that night she had caught them. "Kirsten Nichol?" The nurse had called her name. Time to bite the bullet. She entered the room to find a young doctor with a harsh face setting up his equipment. A nurse with a warm smile assured her that she would be there the whole time with her. Kirsten lay in the cold hard table and held the nurse's hand tightly. Tears streamed down her face as she lay there. She was embarrassed as the nurse gripped her hand watching her lie in pain.
When she exited the clinic she felt dirty and sick. She sat in her old car and wept for her baby. Her child that she had killed. She was ashamed. She drove through town in a blur of tears and distress. She felt her stomach lurch and she had to stop the car. She dashed into a side street and threw up. Tears streamed down her face as she leaned on the wall for support.
As she climbed back into her car her cell phone rang. The invasive ring of the cell startled her but when she answered she heard the soft Brooklyn accent that she had come to love.
"Kirsten?"
"Uh yeah it's me. How are you?"
"I'm... I'm fine. Are you ok you sound a bit croaky?"
"Yeah. I'm not feeling too good but... now you've called I'm feeling much better."
"Do you think we could talk... you know face to face?"
"Tomorrow I'll come round. I can't really face anyone today."
"Okay. I look forward to it hon... Uh Kirsten."
"Sandy?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
And that was it. She could never get up the courage to tell him that the night they had broke up she had slept with her married ex- boyfriend.
It had been eighteen years. How could she tell him now? It would kill him. She got up of the lounger and headed off to work.