Naturalism Chapter 5, a gundam wing/ac fanfic

Again, I don't own any of the lyrics I use. And please please tell me you know who the John Doe is after this Chapter.

Chapter 5:

Nanashi tossed slightly. He felt different. He wasn't cold anymore, he was warm. Blood was not dripping down his leg anymore and he felt somewhat clean. Soft sheets pressed against his skin. Nanashi sighed. I wonder if this is what death is like? He dared to open his eyes.

Nanashi found himself looking up a bright ceiling. That startled him. He sat up a bit and looked around. He wasn't dead. He was in a bedroom, covered in blankets. The room was relatively bright, painted in a pretty green. But it was rather small. Nanashi held the covers against him, suddenly scared. How did I get here??? The last thing I remember is... He put a hand to his heart. The last thing he remembered was Trowa hugging him.

But why? Why would Trowa have hugged him? Why didn't he end Nanashi's life like Nanashi thought he would. All he wanted was to die, to suffer for his crimes. Why did Trowa hug him? Why did he spare him? Nanashi stared down at the covers and sob. He covered him face with his hands. He didn't want to live. Why why why!!!!? I don't want to live anymore!!! Why didn't he just let me die!!!

"Nanashi?" The door opened slowly. Nanashi looked up at Trowa. He leaned in slightly, watching him. "You're awake. That's great." He smiled a bit and came in. "How...How are you feeling?" Nanashi's eyes started to tear again.

"Why..." Nanashi asked. Trowa said nothing. "Why didn't you let me die?" More tears flowed from Nanashi's eyes. He clenched the sheets. "Why!?" He pleaded. All he wanted to do now was die. Why did Trowa stop him?

Trowa said nothing. Nanashi sobbed, covering his eyes with his bloodstained, filthy hands. He shuddered violently, feeling his tears slip through his fingers. They still felt alien to him. Nanashi heard faint footsteps. He thought for a moment Trowa left him to his weeping. But instead, Trowa sat beside him. He moved Nanashi's hands from his face and wiped the tears away with a tissue. The white tissue turned a pale rustic color as dried blood came off Nanashi's face.

"Shh...don't cry..." Trowa coaxed. Nanashi looked up at him timidly. The same compassion Trowa had showed him after he had attacked Wufei was back. Trowa's hands were so soft as they touched Nanashi's filthy skin. "Its ok..." He held Nanashi's cheek. It was a strange feeling, feeling Trowa's tenderness. But Nanashi felt so safe like this. He closed his eyes and rested his cheek in Trowa's hand. "...Wait here." Nanashi felt suddenly cold when Trowa left the room. He drew his knees to his chest and closed his eyes, resting his head on top of his knees.

Something warm pressed against his cheek. Nanashi lifted his head and opened his eyes. Trowa pressed a warm washcloth against Nanash's face, gently cleaning the dried blood of him. Trowa shushed him affectionately. Nanashi said nothing more. Trowa cleaned the blood off of him, eyes closed a bit. Nanashi felt warm and wanted.

"...Are you in any pain?" Trowa asked quietly.

"...No..." Nanashi answered.

"That's good." He said softly. "Do you want to get cleaned up?" Nanashi thought about it. It had been so long since he had felt truly clean. He looked down at himself. Dried blood covered his torso and legs. There was dirt on him from lying in the forest for so long. Nanashi nodded finally. He wanted to be clean. "Okay." He pulled Nanashi to his feet. Nanashi legs were tired from all the running he had done. He stumbled a bit; Trowa caught him. Nanashi face was buried in Trowa's chest. He could sense Trowa's scent. He smells so good, Nanashi thought with a blush. "You alright?"

"Uh huh..." Nanashi murmured as he stood up straight. Trowa smiled at him; he had a beautiful smile. Nanashi let him lead him out into a small hallway. The house had a small quaint feeling to it but Nanashi didn't get long to look the place over. Trowa took him to the bathroom. It was a nice size, with white and pink wallpaper and white porcelain fixtures.

"Here, you take a shower." Trowa said gently. He set a couple towels on the edge of the sink and went to the door. "I'll be out here if you need me." He smiled again and left Nanashi alone in the bathroom. Nanashi looked about for a moment before turning on the water. It was warm to the touch; Nanashi sighed happily at it. He undressed slowly, leaving his soiled clothes on the ground and showered, ridding himself of the blood of others. Nanashi spent a long time in the shower, delighting in the feeling of cleanliness, and gently touching the place where Trowa had put his hands.

Nanashi finally pulled himself away from the warm and pure water. His skin wasn't filthy anymore, just pale as it always had been. He wrapped a towel around his waist and sat down on the edge of the tub. Wrapping his arms around himself, he sighed heavily. He was clean but it felt like he was tainting the white room. He looked down at the floor, suddenly depressed again. There were clean clothes on the floor. Trowa must have brought them in. He dried himself off and dressed. The clothes were a little big on him. But that's probably because I haven't eaten in a while...He pulled on a pair of socks and sighed. Drying his hair, he tried to focus on the positives. Trowa had brought him to a safe house. He had taken him away from those people. He showed him kindness and compassion. Nanashi was happy. He sat against the tub.

"Why are you happy? Don't you know what's going to happen next?" the voice hissed. Nanashi dropped the towel and closed his eyes.

"What are you talking about? Why shouldn't I be happy?" Nanashi mumbled.

"Don't you know what will happen? It won't be long."

"...Won't be long till what?"

"Till he abandons you." The voice laughed. Nanashi felt a vice clamp about his chest. "You're so weak, why would he want to stay beside you?"

"Trowa shows me compassion..."

"He shows you pity. There's a difference." The voice grew quiet then started to laugh. "You love him don't you? Hahahaha"

"...So what if I do..." Nanashi said. He closed his eyes and clutched his heart. He had never said it before but that had to be the reason. Nanashi loved him. I love you Trowa. I can't explain why, but I do. I want to spend the rest of my days with you...but I don't wanna hurt you...

"How could he love someone as weak as you."

"I'm getting real tired of you..." Nanashi sighed.

"But you're weak. Heh, he'll never love you. He'll just get tired of you and leave you all alone. Or worse, send you back to them."

"No! He wouldn't do that! Trowa's not like them. He has compassion and love in his heart and soul. I don't believe you! You aren't winning today." Nanashi snapped in defiance. The voice said nothing for a bit. Nanashi smiled a bit to himself and got up and looked in the mirror. He fixed his hair a bit and noticed a lovely looking vase with dried flowers on the window behind him. Sighing happily, he closed his eyes. I won this time.

"Well. Let's be hypothetical for a moment." The voice said. Nanashi opened his eyes and looked at his reflection. "Hypothetically, let's say Trowa did love you back. And he didn't abandon you or send you away." Nanashi said nothing. "Don't you understand what will happen?"

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"They'll come looking for you." The voice whispered. "You know they will. They're not about to give you up without a fight." Nanashi didn't say anything. He crossed to a radio on the floor and flicked it on. He wanted to drown out the voice.

"I'm not listening." Nanashi snapped.

"You know you can't ignore me." The voice hissed. Turning up the radio, Nanashi closed his eyes and tried to focus on the lyrics.

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

"Listen Nanashi." The voice purred as the music played. As loud as Nanashi had made the music, the voice was still louder. Nanashi held his head, trying to block it out. "They'll never stop hunting you. They'll return and take you back, whether you like it or not. And if Trowa tries to defend you, since he 'loves' you, what do you think will happen to him? Hm?"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." Nanashi begged.

"You see? They'll torture him if they catch him near you. They'll murder him and enjoy doing it too." Nanashi whimpered. "You know what you have to do." Opening his eyes Nanashi stood and faced his reflection. There was a dark gleam in his eyes. "You have to get away from him."

"I have to get away...But if I run, Trowa may follow me..." Nanashi murmured. The music blared.

"That's right. So there's only one way for you to get away from him forever. Only one way for you to protect him. Do it Nanashi. Do it for your 'love.'"

"Do it for my love..." Nanashi mumbled. He stared into the mirror, looked at the glass vase's reflection. In a dream, he whipped around, hand colliding with the vase and sending it crashing to the ground. The voice encouraged him.

"That's it Nanashi. Its so close now, you can taste it, can't you?" Nanashi nodded slowly and gripped a large piece of glass. He sat back against the door, clutching it tightly and feeling it drip down along the glass. "Go on Nanashi. It's the only way to save everyone. It's the only way to protect Trowa from them."

"The only way..." Nanashi said. The glass felt kinda cold. The purity of it was stained.

"That's right. Do it Nanashi. Protect him. Save him. Finish it." The voice ordered.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the Habit
Tonight

Trowa looked up at the clock. He had been pacing about the hospital waiting area for almost two hours. His heart pounded wildly in his chest. Trowa started to pace again, wringing his hands. How long is he going to be in there? God, let him be alright...he has to be alright.

Trowa had brought Nanashi to the emergency room two hours ago. He had been setting things in the other bedroom. Quatre had brought him a duffle bag with some clothes, some personal items, his flute, and sheet music when he had come to drop off his motorcycle. Nanashi had woken up, in tears. Trowa had left his things and went to him, to comfort him. He cleaned up Nanashi's face a bit; he had been covered in dried blood. Nanashi seemed a little better after that. He wasn't shaking and his face had color again. Trowa had been so happy to see him looking well. Nanashi had decided to get cleaned up so Trowa went back to putting things away, waiting for Nanashi to finish.

It had been after he had finished and was looking over his music sheets that he had heard it. A faint crashing sound. His head snapped up and wondered where he it had come from. Perhaps Nanashi had slipped or something. His legs still seemed somewhat weak; he had fallen into Trowa's arms earlier. Getting off his bed, he returned to the bathroom door. He could hear music coming from within but nothing else. He had knocked a couple times, calling out Nanashi's name. There was no answer. Worried, Trowa opened the door to see inside.

Nanashi collapsed on the ground before him. He had been using the door to support himself. Blood was gushed out of deep gashes in his wrists. A large piece of glass fell out of his hands. Trowa screamed Nanashi's name, pulled Nanashi into his arms. Nanashi hardly reacted to him. His eyes rolled dangerously into the back of his head. He mumbled weakly, saying something about saving his love. Trowa shook him violently, cursing him slightly. Grabbing whatever he could, he wrapped up Nanashi's wrists and carried him outside. It had been strange, trying to drive his motorcycle while holding Nanashi. But he had to get him to the hospital. Trowa had to save him.

Which was why Trowa was pacing back and further in the hospital now. Waiting for any word on Nanashi's condition. He was wondering whether he was going to wearing a groove in the floor. The door opened; Trowa's head snapped up. A nurse walked straight past him and away. Trowa sighed heavily and sank into one of the chairs. He felt very tired now but refused to sleep. Sipping slightly at the coffee he had bought, he made a slight face. He normally wasn't a big fan of coffee but he need the caffeine to stay awake.

Why? Why did he do that?! Trowa asked himself. He put the cup down and held his head. Nanashi had been a sickly white when Trowa watched them rush him back into surgery. What possessed him to take his own life? I thought he was okay... Trowa had been surprised when Nanashi asked him why he hadn't killed him. But he thought that Nanashi was feeling better, with how affectionate and quiet he was being after Trowa cleaned his face and shushed him tenderly. I guess his desire to die was too strong...god don't let him die. I don't know what I'm going to do if he dies.

Trowa laid his head back on the back of the chair. He listened to the slowly tick tock of the clock, counting the monotone seconds. Trying to stay awake, he took another sip of coffee. Its effect was starting to wear off. Trowa rested his elbows on his knees and closed his eyes. I'll just rest my eyes for a minute. He dozed off. Trowa didn't dream very much. It felt like he had just closed his eyes when someone shook him awake.

"Excuse me sir?" A male voice spoke softly. Trowa opened his eyes reluctantly. He looked about, hoping that everything that had happened was just a dream. He was still sitting in the waiting area. Trowa sighed and looked to the nurse. He smiled softly. "Your friend's out of surgery."

"He is?!" Trowa exclaimed. He gripped the nurse's arms. "Well is he alright?!"

"He'll be fine. It was close, but he'll be alright." The nurse pried Trowa's hands off him. Trowa sighed happily.

"Can I see him?" Trowa asked. The nurse smiled at him.

"Sure. He's on the third floor, 211." he said. Trowa thanked him quickly and rushed to the stairs. He realized, as he was running up two steps at a time, that it was the same room that Quatre had been in almost two months ago. He wondered if there was any significance to it but soon forgot about it as he opened the door and looked into the room.

Nanashi was asleep, still out from the anesthetics. An IV and blood transfusion were hooked into his arm but other than that he seemed fine. There were thick bandages on his wrists, covering the scars he was going to have from his attempted death. Crossing to the bed, he brushed a couple strands of whitish hair from the boy's eyes. He made a small noise but remained asleep. Trowa sighed a bit and sat in the chair, just like he had done when he was waiting for Quatre to wake. Oh Nanashi...don't ever do this again...

Trowa waited, arms folded across his chest. Every so often, his eyes would droop and his head would fall on his chest but he would force himself awake. Trowa was getting sick of falling asleep; he got up and paced about the room trying to stay up. Looking out the window, the sun was peeking over the edge of the horizon. Trowa wondered how long he had actually been waiting. His legs felt numb from all the sitting he had been doing.

"Nanashi." Trowa said quietly, running a hand through the boy's hair. "I'll be right back, ok? I'm just going to go for a bit of a walk. I'll come right back, promise." Nanashi didn't say anything. Trowa went to the door. He looked back at Nanashi for a moment before leaving and heading back up the hall. Trowa walked for a while, fists in his pockets. He watched the glistening floor as he walked. Slowing down slightly, he read some of the room numbers. 308, 309, 310. Trowa stopped suddenly. 311. The John Doe's room. The nurse's words came back to him. "He's such a good listener." she had said. I could use someone to talk to right now... Looking up and down the hall for a moment, Trowa went into his room and shut the door behind him. It was the same exact scene as it had been before. But the lightening was different, painting the room with faint reds, oranges, and yellows. And on the table was a vase of fresh cut flowers. Trowa went over to the John Doe and sat on the chair beside his bed.

"...I really hate to bother you..." Trowa said as he looked at the floor. The man didn't react. "I mean, I hate bothering people with my problems when yours are clearly more important. But the nurse said you were a good listener and I really just need someone to talk to." He didn't expect an answer out of the man and didn't get one. "...It must be hard. She said you're responsive...it must be hard to be able to hear people and yet you can't tell them who you are." Trowa sighed. "I can't imagine what that must be like..." he stopped. "Sorry, I kinda went off topic didn't I? Not that I've even told you what the topic is. I'm sorry. Its just hard for me to tell people about my problems...or about me actually." Trowa sighed. He looked at the fresh cut flowers on the table and sighed. "Those flowers...they reminded me of him. He sent Quatre flowers, 13 roses, when Quatre was here. That was two months ago. I accidentally came in here, looking for Quatre. He sent him flowers..." Trowa sighed a bit. He scolded himself absently for not bringing flowers or something for Nanashi.

"I'm such a fool. I should've brought something for him..." Trowa scowled. He looked at the John Doe for a moment. "You see, the same person who brought Quatre flowers is in here now. In the same room Quatre was in actually. He...He tried to kill himself." Trowa's eyes welled up with tears as he said that. He wiped them away with the back of his hand. "Sorry...it just hurts you know? For a month...I thought he was dead...since a...a comrade of mine had attacked him and I didn't hear anything from him...for a whole month. I was heartbroken...I was a wreck for awhile. But Quatre took care of me, which I appreciate. But god, when I thought he was dead, I felt like I was never going to be happy again." Trowa quieted, wiping more tears away. "But I found him again. Just last night actually. And I was so happy when I got to see his face, even though he was hurt and scared. And Quatre and I got him somewhere safe...and he seemed fine." Trowa sighed heavily. "And then I open the bathroom door and he falls at my feet with slits in his wrists...God I've wanted to cry for so long...I cried a lot during that month and if he dies, I'll cry again." Trowa held his head. "The nurse said that he'll be fine. But what if he tries again? And what if I can't get him here in time? Or if he tries when he knows I won't be able to help? I don't care if he thinks he wants to die, I'm not going to let him kill himself. I can't lose Nanashi like that." Trowa gripped his hair a bit, a couple tears slipping down his cheeks. "I just can't...I love him too much to let him go..." He looked up a bit. "Maybe...Maybe I need to tell him that...make him understand how much I care about him...even if I hardly know him. I still love him...Yes that might be it." Trowa looked at the John Doe. "Does it seem like a good idea?" There was no response. Trowa got up and looked out the window. "I should at least tell him. I'm going to tell him." He looked at the flowers then at the John Doe. "May I take one of these? For Nanashi?" Trowa thought he could see a faint nod come from the comatose male. He looked the flowers over and picked one, a beautiful white one. He held it in his hand, sniffed it for a moment. "Thank you. For listening..." Trowa smiled vaguely. "She was right...you are a good listener." Trowa walked towards the door, flower in hand. "I should go back to Nanashi." He stopped. "I hope...I hope you get better John Doe...so I can thank you for real. Good bye." Trowa walked away. As he wandered back to Nanashi's room, he didn't see the John Doe's face turn towards where the flowers were. He didn't see his eyes open partial then fall as he whispered in a weak and tired voice the words "Little One" before falling back into his sleep.

Trowa walked back into Nanashi's room. The morning light was brightening up the room. There was no vase on the table so Trowa put the flower in Nanashi's hand. He watched Nanashi for a moment before getting down on his knees beside the bed and resting his head on the edge of it. He sighed quietly and put his hand on Nanashi's.

"...Don't ever do this again Nanashi...please." Trowa pleaded, unsure of whether or not Nanashi could hear him. He gripped Nanashi's hand gently. "Please. I love you too much to let you go like that. Don't ever try something like this again...I don't know what I'll do if I lose you, Nanashi Windsor." A couple of Trowa's tears seeped into the sheets. He closed his eyes and rested, waiting and wishing for Nanashi to wake.

"...Trowa?..." Someone called him. Trowa lifted his head, opened his eyes a bit. The room was so bright now. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. His gaze fell on Nanashi, who was sitting up a bit, the hand with the flower resting in his lap.

"Nanashi...you're ok." Trowa smiled at him, tearstains on his cheeks. He wiped them away and sat on the bed.

"...Yeah guess so..." Nanashi didn't seem too pleased with the idea. He stared down at his bandaged hands. "...Why? You let me live...again."

"Nanashi..."

"No. Explain it to me. Why do you let me live? You'd be so much safer if I was dead." Nanashi sniffled. "Everyone would be so much safer if I was dead. Why do you insist on letting me live?" Trowa put a hand under Nanashi's chin, lifted his face so he could see his eyes. They were glistening with tears. Trowa wiped them away, then kissed his lips very gently. Nanashi's hands clutched the sheet.

"Because I love you Nanashi..." Trowa whispered in his ear. He put his hand on Nanashi's again. "I don't ever want you to go away again..." Trowa watched him for a moment. Nanashi was touching his lips tenderly. Trowa wondered what he was thinking. Running a hand over Nanashi's hair, he smiled lovingly at him. Nanashi's eyes started to tear again.

"But..."

"But what, Nanashi?" Trowa asked.

"...But when they find me...they'll hurt you...I've seen so much blood...and death...I don't wanna see yours too..." Nanashi whimpered. He was shaking slightly at the thought of it. "That's the last thing I want...to see them hurt you." Trowa sat a little closer to Nanashi. Wrapping his arms around the small of Nanashi's back, he pulled him into a gentle embrace.

"They won't. I won't let them take me away from you. And I won't let them come near you..." He rested his head on Nanashi's. "I promise..."

Hesitantly, Nanashi's arms encircled Trowa's waist. Trowa's eyes opened a bit more then smiled faintly. Nanashi's head rest on Trowa's shoulder and they sat there for a while, holding one another. Sighing happily, Trowa rested one of his hands on Nanashi's head. He felt so very happy.

"...Trowa?" Nanashi said finally.

"Hm?"

"...Can we go home..." Nanashi asked in an innocent voice. He sounded like a small child for a moment. Trowa smiled down at him.

"I'll go find a doctor." He got up off the bed. He smoothed Nanashi's hair again. "I'll be right back." Kissing Nanashi's forehead tenderly, he left the room, walking down the hall again. Trowa smiled brightly and touched his own lips, relishing his first kiss.

Nanashi went back to the house with Trowa and stayed there with him. It had been a week or so since he had come home from the hospital. He still hadn't removed his bandages but he hadn't tried anything dangerous since he came home. He ignored the nagging of the voice in his head and tried his hardest to forget. But fate wasn't going to let him.

Nanashi was having nightmares, more nightmares than he had ever had. No more did he dream of the carefree days when he lived with Jack. Now all he dreamt of was all the people he had killed. All the blood he had seen. He dreamed of the moment when he killed without orders, at first to protect himself and then in just a blind rage. Nanashi would wake screaming, tears falling down his face, and his desire to die would return, just so he wouldn't have to see any of it again.

But Trowa was always there. He was so comforting, so understanding. He would pull Nanashi into his arms, even if Nanashi would try to pull away, and whispering gently to him. Telling him that things would alright. Nanashi was truly thankful that Trowa was there for him. Even though his desire to die was very strong, it wasn't what he truly wanted anymore. Now that Trowa had said he loved him, now that he had the taste of Trowa on his lips, he never wanted to be away from it. Which meant that he would suffer through his nightmares and the voice in the back of his head that cursed him, just so he could stay beside Trowa for as long as he could.

Nanashi awoke one morning, fighting back tears as he curled up in the bed he had grown accustomed to. His nightmares were scaring him; he huddled under the blankets and trembled. Nanashi didn't dare go back to sleep. Wiping his eyes, he got up and dressed. The house felt warm this morning but he still pulled a pair of socks on with the rest of his clothes. He looked at his harassed reflection and straightened himself the best he could. Satisfied, Nanashi walked to the door. As he put his hand on it, he heard voices.

"Thanks Quatre, this means a lot." Trowa said quietly. Nanashi opened the door a bit and looked out. Quatre and Trowa had their backs to him. They were in the kitchen.

"Its okay, Trowa. Really. I don't mind." Quatre smiled. This was the second time Nanashi had seen Quatre since trying to kill him. He seemed much better but Nanashi wasn't sure if he wanted to face him.

"...How mad are they?" Trowa asked as he put some things away. Quatre must have brought groceries or something for them. Quatre sat on the counter.

"They're pretty mad. Especially Heero. But I think that's because he's worried about you. He doesn't understand why you left. You were so sick...and then you just left."

"Well I feel much better." There was a smile in Trowa's voice.

"I can tell." Quatre laughed. He watched Trowa put a couple more things away. "Well?"

"Well what?" Trowa asked.

"How is he?"

"Nanashi? He's better. Much better." Trowa sighed slightly. He was really worried about me.

"...He hasn't tried again?" Quatre asked. Trowa shook his head.

"No he hasn't. And I hope he never does. I don't know what I'll do if he dies..." Trowa fell silent. Quatre looked him over, a small smile painting his face.

"You really do love him, huh?" Trowa nodded. "I'm glad...everyone needs someone." Trowa smiled happily at Quatre. Gripping the edge of the door, Nanashi laid his head against it. Everyone needs someone. So simple a statement but so true. Everyone needs someone. Yes, they do.

"And everyone will have someone, except you, you cowardly piece of shit."

Shut up.

"So where is Nanashi?" Quatre asked. Trowa looked up from the tea he was making and looked back towards the bedroom door. Nanashi's eyes widened but he didn't have the time to force his head back. Trowa's eyes smiled gently at him, beckoned him out. Nanashi obeyed. He stepped out in the small hallway and made his way towards them, focusing his gaze on the floor instead on Trowa or Quatre. Quatre hopped off the counter and came to him. Nanashi closed his eyes, expected rage or pain. "Good morning Nanashi. Did you sleep well?" Nanashi's head snapped up and stared at the other blonde. His eyes smiled at Nanashi, as though none of it had ever happened.

"...Not really..." Nanashi admitted, the shock visible in his face. Quatre frowned slightly at that and took one of Nanashi's hands. He turned it over and peeked under the bandages. Nanashi's back muscled tightened; he was so confused. Why was Quatre showing him compassion, after Nanashi had tried to kill him?

"Hm, it looks like its healing fine. As long as you don't pick at it, you might not even have much of a scar." Quatre said, kindness still sparkling in his eyes. Nanashi nodded uncertainly. Quatre looked him up and down. He chuckled to himself. Trowa noticed.

"What's so funny Quatre?" he asked.

"Nothing. Its just we really do look a lot alike." Quatre smiled at Nanashi again. "Those fit you fairly well. I thought they would."

"They're yours?" Nanashi asked. Quatre nodded happily. "Oh..." Quatre must have noticed the surprise in his voice.

"Don't worry about it." He said. Nanashi simply nodded and sat down at the table. He rest his elbows on the table and held his head for a moment. I don't get it. He's so kind. I tried to kill him. They're both so kind, its so confusing. You'd think he'd try to choke me for what I did to him.

"Nanashi, is something wrong?" Trowa asked. He set a glass of orange juice in Nanashi's hands. Shaking his head, Nanashi sipped it in silence, trying to avoid their looks now. Trowa ran a hand through Nanashi's hair. He smiled at Trowa's touch and relaxed a bit. "Staying for breakfast Quatre?"

"No, I should get back before they realize I'm gone. We don't need Heero to get suspicious." Quatre walked to the door and slipped his shoes on and donned a jacket. "I'll see you in a week."

"Alright, thanks again." Trowa went to see him off. Nanashi felt cold, deprived of Trowa's touch. Closing his eyes, he rested his head on the table, listening to the sound of a car pulling away. Nanashi shoulders were pulled up and into a loving embrace. "What's wrong Nanashi?"

"Nothing, really." Nanashi insisted. Trowa's chin rest on his shoulder, his fingers played with Nanashi's hair. Nanashi closed his eyes, sighing placidly.

"Lying doesn't suit you Nanashi." Trowa whispered tenderly. "You can tell me, Nanashi."

"...Just a little surprised is all." Nanashi admitted.

"Surprised at what?" Trowa asked.

"...Why is he being so nice to me?" Trowa looked at him with a bit of amazement in his beautiful green eyes. Nanashi looked at him, confusion and a little sadness painted in his own. "Why?"

"You mean Quatre." Trowa said and released his shoulders. He moved away and back into the kitchen. Nanashi looked down at his hands. Had he offended Trowa? That wasn't his intention. He just wanted to understand. "Quatre is a naturally kind person. He's probably the most compassionate of the five of us." I beg to differ Trowa, Nanashi thought with a loving admiration in his eyes. Trowa set a plate in front of Nanashi then sat beside him. "I guess he believes there is good in everyone, though I'm only assuming that's his belief. He understands," Trowa's fingers encircled Nanahi's hand. "what was going on with you." Trowa's voice was very soothing. "As do I. Its understandable. Its...forgivable."

"...No its not." Nanashi answered. "Its not forgivable to take another's life." Nanashi felt Trowa's fingers tighten slightly. "...I can't be forgiven for what I did...for my own weakness..." Depression took over. Nanashi sank slightly in his chair. I will not be forgiven for what I did...no one can forgive me for all the blood on my hands. He looked down at his hand and clenched. All the waters of the world...can't dispel the blood.

Trowa's arms were wrapped about Nanashi's torso, holding him close to his chest. Nanashi could hear the rapid beating of the taller male's heart. His fingers traced a path along Nanashi's cheek. Shuddering slightly, Trowa brushed his forehead with a tender kiss. Nanashi made a small noise, pulled closer to Trowa for his comfort. Trowa's arms tightened about him as he whispered gently.

"Don't ever think that Nanashi." Trowa pleaded. "Don't even think that it was just your fault, your weakness. We live in a world based on naturalism." Naturalism? "One cannot be solely held accountable for the things that they do, good or bad, not with the way the world is now." He rested his hand under Nanashi's chin. Nanashi looked at him, listen to his uplifting philosophy. "Believe me Nanashi, you are no more guilty than those who forced you. You are no more guilty than me." Nanashi looked into his green eyes. For a moment, he thought he could see guilty tears radiating on his lashes. How are you guilty, Trowa Barton? I can see no guilt in you...nothing but the purity I've always seen in your eyes. Nanashi slipped his arms about Trowa's neck, pulled Trowa down just a little to grace his cheek with a soft kiss. He smiled at Nanashi and ruffled his hair slightly. "Now eat. You are far too thin for your own good." Nanashi obliged, releasing Trowa and sitting again to enjoy the breakfast that Trowa had made him.

Hours later, in the late afternoon sun, Nanashi sat alone outside in the backyard. On his knees, he played with the flowers he had picked from the large garden around him. He has hidden from the outside world here, sitting amongst the petals and surrounded by trees. It reminded him somewhat of the seclusion of Trowa's other house. We will be safe here. They won't find us here.

"You keep thinking that. They'll find you, 'Little one.' They'll find you and force you to watch them torture Trowa. It'll be your fault that he gets hurt."

Fuck off. I'm not listening to you today. The voice persisted but Nanashi ignored it. He focused on Trowa's face, Trowa's eyes, his words. "One cannot be solely held accountable for the things they do, good or bad, not with the way things are." "We live in a world based on naturalism." "You are no more guilty than those who forced you." Nanashi smiled at the thought of his words. They were so compassionate, as he had intended them to be. He smiled happily and touched his lips for a moment. Nanashi loved the feeling of Trowa's skin. Oh Trowa...I love you so much...

Nanashi went back to what he was doing. With a graceful movements, he bent and manipulated the stems of the flowers in his hands, binding them together. It was a skill Nanashi took great pride in, something he had been taught long ago and was thankful he still remembered. It was part of his earliest memory. Sitting in a garden in a yard by a house he couldn't remember, on the lap of a woman he adored. His mother. She would guide his young, tiny hands along the stems. Bending and twisting the fragile flowers to bind them together in a natural halo. She would place on his head, hold him close to her. Sing a grace filled song in an angelic voice. Nanashi closed his eyes at the memory, recalling his mother's voice. It was the only piece of her he could truly remember. Still banding the flowers together, Nanashi sang in a low voice, trying to match his voice to his mother. Almost in hope that by matching his voice to hers, he may be able to see the woman's face. Nanashi continued to sing, voice growing a little stronger with each passing word. He had no idea he was being watched.

"Lovely." Trowa said, his voice breaking the rhythm of the melody. Nanashi wheeled about, blushing like mad. He held the halo he was making tightly, controlling his embarrassed trembling. Trowa walked down from the small back stoop, strolled across the grass and knelt beside him. "Please, don't stop." Nanashi said nothing. "What's wrong Nanashi?"

"Sorry, its just that I don't typically sing around other people."

"Why not?" Trowa asked. He rested his chin in his palm and smiled lovingly. "You have a beautiful voice." Nanashi blushed more. Trowa draped his arms over Nanashi's shoulders. "That's ok. You don't have to." He tickled Nanashi's neck slightly. "But it was lovely. 'Green Sleeves' wasn't it?"

"Mhm." Nanashi went back to work on the flower halo. Trowa watched him work. "My mum and my brother used to sing it to me." Nanashi's now British sounding voice had a nostalgic tinge to it.

"Oh." Trowa could hear the small bit of sadness in his voice. He tightened his hug slightly. "You miss them?"

"Yeah...a lot." Nanashi admitted. "I miss my brother more though."

"Oh? How come?" Trowa asked. He rested his head on Nanashi's shoulder and listened to him.

"I don't remember my mum. She died when I was still too little to remember her well. But my brother was around for awhile and he took good care of me." Nanashi fell silent for a moment.

"Nanashi?" Trowa called. Nanashi didn't hear him. He was remembering again.

Eight years earlier. Nanashi stood outside his school. Looking up and down the sidewalk, he waited and watched, searching for Jack. He was always waiting outside the gate for Nanashi after school. But today he was late.

Nanashi trembled slightly. Jack was never late. He was always punctual, especially when it came to picking up Nanashi. He sank down against the gate, sitting cross-legged with his books on his lap. Parents and kids came and went. Nanashi listened to their laughter and, for a moment, wished for a family like that. Hugging his knees, he imagined it. His mum, who he couldn't remember, opening her arms to him as he came out of school. His dad, someone he also didn't remember, standing beside her with a gentle smile. And Jack, grinning from ear to ear as he always did. Nanashi would love it if his family was like that. But he was content with having Jack by his side. He opened his eyes; Jack still wasn't there.

"Excuse me." Nanashi squeaked at a man walking by. He looked down at Nanashi. "Can you tell me what time it is?"

"A little after 4:00." The man said after looking at his watch.

"Oh...thank you." Nanashi said. The man nodded and continued on his way. Nanashi looked up and down the street again. "Jack where are you? It'll be dark soon. I don't know my way home..." Nanashi hugged his knees more. Jack would come soon, Nanashi knew he would. He would just have to wait.

He must have dozed off. When Nanashi lifted his head again, it was dark. The street lamps flickered over head. Nanashi stood up and looked about terrified. Jack still hadn't come and now it was night. Something must have happened to him. Nanashi started calling Jack's name, begging him to come. A couple tears dripped down his face; he had to find Jack.

"Hello Nanashi." someone's hand fell on his shoulder. Nanashi pulled away, turned to face the same men he had seen months before. The ones outside Mr. Levin's store. But there was another now. An older man, still somewhat young, perhaps in his late twenties. He grinned at Nanashi, his cerulean eyes gleaming somewhat evilly at Nanashi behind blonde bangs. He pulled Nanashi back, gripped his wrist rather painfully. "How are you Nanashi?"

"Ow! Let go!! Who are you?! Let go!!!" Nanashi yelled. Dropping all his things, he struggled to pull away. The man snickered a bit and pulled Nanashi off the ground. "Ahh!!!"

"Be quiet." he hissed. Nanashi struggled. Finally, he managed his escape. He kicked as hard as he could, connecting with the man's knee. He howled, drop Nanashi, he fled up the street. "Damn it! Get him!"

Nanashi ran as fast as he could. But he was still just a kid and those men's strides were much longer than his own. He prayed as he ran, prayed for Jack to come running up at him, defend him from his pursuers. But Jack was nowhere in sight. Nanashi ran as fast as he could, ducking down an alley. Nanashi felt someone grab him from behind. He screamed, hoping someone would hear him. A hand clamped over Nanashi's mouth, muffling his screams.

"Shut up you brat." A gruff voice snapped. Nanashi felt himself being lifted off the ground. He bit the hand as hard as he could and fell back on to the ground. "Ow!! You god damn brat!" Nanashi felt the man's hand collide with his face. He started to wail.

"Now, now. Don't get too rough with the boy." the blonde man stepped into the alley. He had a frightening grimace on his face. Nanashi moved away, scarping his knees on the ground. The man grabbed him again. Nanashi whimpered. "We still have use for him."

"Jack!!!!!!" Nanashi screamed. The man shoved something in Nanashi's mouth and tied it in place. Nanashi struggled, kicked and hit wherever he could. He end up on his stomach, feeling them tie his hands behind his back. All the while, Nanashi longed for Jack to come and help him. Large tears dripped down his face as they swung him over a shoulder. Nanashi whimpered and called for Jack again.

"Quiet now." The blonde said, ruffling Nanashi's hair roughly. "Let's get you home." He snickered and walked out of the alley. Whoever was carrying Nanashi followed him, shoving him into a dark car. Nanashi looked out the back window, still hoping to see Jack running after it as they sped away.

"Nanashi???" Trowa called again. Nanashi blinked, still feeling the bitter sting that memory always brought him. Trowa had moved him onto his lap, was hugging him tightly. "Nanashi, why are you crying?" Nanashi touched his cheek tenderly; it was covered in tears. He said nothing but rested his head against Trowa's chest, suddenly feeling very alone. "Nanashi, what's wrong?"

"...I'm sorry..." Nanashi apologized, biting back a more tears. Trowa wiped them away. "I...I was just remembering..." His voice caught in his throat.

"Remembering what, Nanashi?" Trowa asked. He kissed Nanashi gently to calm him. "You can tell me Nanashi..."

"...I was remembering...my brother Jack..." Nanashi whimpered. He clung to Trowa's sweater, eyes closed to prevent more tears from falling. "He never came to pick me up from school..." Nanashi's voice so very young in his ears. Trowa said nothing. Nanashi felt his fingers wipe more tears away. He wrapped an arm tightly about Nanashi's waist. Nanashi whimpered; he felt suddenly very warm.

"Don't cry Nanashi..." Trowa cooed. "I'm certain he just was held up..." Trowa didn't understand. Nanashi let out a soft sob. "Nanashi? Was it something I said?"

"He never showed up...I...I never saw him again..." Nanashi sobbed. His body started to shake. Nanashi buried his face in Trowa's chest, bawling. "He never came! He, he never came and got me. Even though I was screaming his name, he didn't come!! They took me away and he never came!!" Nanashi sobbed. He couldn't see Trowa's reaction. He felt Trowa rub his back, hush him gently. Nanashi gripped his sweater, quaking as he sobbed loudly.

"Nanashi..." Trowa whispered. Nanashi said nothing, just continued to cry. He felt Trowa pick him up; the unfinished halo fell off his lap. "Shh there, there Nanashi..." Trowa carried him inside. Nanashi felt the warmth of his bed underneath him. He opened his eyes, still dripping with tears, and watched Trowa close the blinds. Sitting up, he watched Trowa who moved back to his bed. "Lay down Nanashi. It'll be okay..." he pushed Nanashi back down into bed. Much like Jack had often done. "Rest, it'll make you feel better." He turned to go.

"Trowa." Nanashi gasped and gripped his sleeve. Trowa looked down at him, a faint worried smile on his face. "...Will you be here when I wake up?"

"...Of course, Nanashi. I'll never leave." Trowa whispered with a small smile. More tears dribbled down his cheeks. Nanashi rolled over onto his side and sobbed again, burying his face in the pillows. Trowa sat on the edge of the bed. He tried to get Nanashi to look at him; Nanashi buried his face further. "Nanashi? What is it? What did I say?"

"Jack..." Nanashi whimpered. Trowa seemed to understand. He ran a hand through Nanashi's hair. Absently, Nanashi's nuzzled the male's palm. "...Why did he leave me..."

"Shhh..." Trowa whispered. He sat back against the head board, moved Nanashi onto his lap. Nanashi felt suddenly calm; he nuzzled into Trowa's lap, safe and warm. Trowa bathed Nanashi's cheek with light kisses. "Sleep...rest..." Trowa's voice seemed far away. Nanashi was now so tired. Crying made him feel so very tired. His eyes closed softly, his breathing evened and his tears dried. He was lulled into a gentle sleep, massaged by Trowa's fingers in his hair and the humming of a sweet, sweet melody, one Jack had sang long ago.

I like it. hm any notes? i don't think so...oh wait. The flower halo. Its a symbol. It symbolizes the unanswered questions and the incompleteness of Nanashi and his memory and understanding. ...It makes sense to me!!! And yes the song "GreenSleeves" is very important.