Finally Chapter, short and sweet. Some meanings but mainly, just to let everyone know things will be alright.
Chapter 8: Fare thee well, little one
A harsh and bitter wind whipped at the long black jacket he had upon his shoulders. Buttoned all the way to his chin, he walked slowly across the frost covered cemetery, cradling the simple gift. Hair fell into his eyes but he brushed it away, feeling only a slight pain from his old wounds. Stopping before the simple grave, he looked it over. It seemed far too plain for someone so important and yet it seemed perfect for them as well. He grasped the dead flowers in the vase, replaced them with the bouquet he had bought just an hour before. A graceful hand ran across the headstone, fingering the etchings.
"...I know I haven't been here since you were buried, Jack." Nanashi sighed. He ran a finger across the faint scars by his eyes. "But I've been in bed for a while..."
Nanashi fell silent for a moment. He was remembering. Remembering waking days later, days after being tortured and raped, days after murdering his own father, remembering waking in that warm bed that he and Trowa had shared. He was bandaged and wrapped up in warm, loose pajamas and blankets. Nanashi had no idea where he was at first, he thought he was dead. But then he felt it, a hand wrapped around his own. He felt Trowa's hair tickling his skin. Trowa slept with his head on the bed, some music sheets surrounding him as he slept.
Nanashi remembered breaking down into tears at the sight of the room, at remembering everything that had transpired days before. His tears had startled Trowa, who looked up at him with a look of mixed fear and relief. He had sat beside Nanashi, hugged him gently as Nanashi sobbed. That happened a lot during the month that Nanashi spent in bed. Him feeling Trowa's compassion and love for him. Nanashi sighed again and pulled himself away from the memory.
"I was in bed for a month. But Trowa took care of me." Nanashi said. He sat cross legged in front of the grave, hugging the gift he had made. "Trowa said he'd always take care of me and I believe him." The cold wintry breeze tugged at him again. "You want to know why, Jack? I thought you would..." Nanashi sighed, feeling a shiver build in him. "They caught me...again. And they took me away from Trowa...but it couldn't have been for very long. A few hours, half a day maybe...but they took me away again..." Nanashi shivered more.
"I made you something." Nanashi changed the subject. He placed the flower halo on the ground before him. "It was kinda hard, since my shoulder still hurts a lot but Trowa helped me out. He's not as good as Mum was," Nanashi laughed a little bit. "but no one ever will be." Nanashi looked back for a moment. He could see Trowa sitting on the bench, wrapped up in a brown trench coat. Waiting in a respectful silence as Nanashi sat and spoke with his brother. "He's here though." Nanashi turned back to the grave. "But he said he was down here before, to talk to you, and that I deserve my own time." Nanashi played with the edge of his coat. He could almost feel Jack questioning him.
"...I...I killed him Jack..." Nanashi whimpered. A tear or two fell onto the white petals. "I killed him, Adrian Mullen. I killed Dad..." Nanashi cried quietly. "He was the one...who did this to us...He never loved Mum...he never loved us...but I killed him Jack. God, I shot him..." Closing his eyes, he hugged himself. "...I felt like I had to Jack. I really did...Jack?" He opened his eyes again and looked at the gray sky above him. Snow would be coming, maybe tomorrow or tonight. "Are you disappointed in me Jack? Did...Did you know him Jack? Did you know who he was? Did it hurt Jack? Did it hurt to look at me because we looked so much alike?" Nanashi laughed in spite of himself, knowing what Jack would say. "Of course not. That's your answer, right Jack? You'd never admit it, even if it was true, would you Jack?" He asked. "How is Mum anyway? I bet you're happy, to be with her again. And maybe...maybe Dad's there too." Nanashi sighed and hugged himself again. "I don't know if that's good or bad. I never really knew how you felt about him. Whether you longed for him to come back or if you hated him beyond reason. I never understood your feelings to him and I guess now I never will...there are still a lot of unanswered questions...but I guess they don't matter anymore, do they Jack?" Nanashi sighed and ran his fingers over his shoulder. He could almost feel the scar through the jacket and sweater. "I don't think that scar is ever going to fade...but it's kinda fitting in a way...C.R.Y....that's all I ever seem to do anymore." Nanashi wiped tears away again. Trowa would be devastated if he saw I was crying again... "I can't help it Jack. I feel so soaked...I still feel dirty, I still feel bloodstained. Its like I'm never going to be clean again..."
Nanashi sat there, crying, watching his tears disappear into the freezing earth. The wind brushed against his face, trying to whip the tears away but only caused more. Sobbing loudly, Nanashi drew his knees to his chest. He cursed himself inside for crying in front of his brother's grave, cursed himself for crying over all the things he couldn't change in himself, cursed himself for still feeling dirty, for letting himself be used. Cursed himself for things he hadn't cursed himself for in such a long time. God I'm never going to forget any of this!! I'm never going to feel clean!! I'm never going to stop having nightmares, never stop waking Trowa up in the middle of the night with my tears!! God none of this will end!! I don't want to be like this, why won't it stop!!! Trowa's familiar arms encircled him, pulled him back into his lap, gently brushed the tears away. He must have heard Nanashi's sobs and come to consol him, as he had been doing often. Nanashi let him, crying softly in his arms.
"Shh...there, there Little one..." Trowa whispered. That simple pet name calmed him, as it always did. Nanashi relaxed a bit, feeling his tears slow. I hope you don't mind Jack...I want him to call me that...just like you used to...it feels right... "That's better..." Trowa cooed. He placed a soft kiss on Nanashi's lips.
"I'm sorry..." Nanashi whispered. Trowa put a finger over Nanashi's lips.
"Don't be..." Trowa whispered, wrapping his arms tighter. "Its okay, Nanashi...go ahead and cry..."
"But..." Nanashi started. Trowa stopped him again, pulling him closer and kissing him calmly. He felt Nanashi's tears slide along his face and wiped some of them away. Nanashi looked up at him then back to the grave. "I'm sorry Jack...I wish I could stop crying..."
"I'm sure he understands, don't you Jack?" Trowa said. Nanashi sighed quietly as a cool breeze circled them. Trowa nuzzled him with a small smile. "Of course...I will always cherish Nanashi..." Nanashi felt a blush come to his pale cheeks as Trowa held him and whispered. "I will always cherish you." Nodding slowly, Nanashi fell further back into Trowa's warmth. Trowa put a hand on Nanashi's forehead; his hands were cold. "Are you feeling well, Little one? You look so much paler. Perhaps we should go home. It hasn't been very long since you got up." Trowa said, his words fading slightly as the wind continued to circle them, questioning.
"Oh, I didn't tell him that." Nanashi said. He turned his gaze back to the grave. "I have a home now...just like we wanted, remember Jack? A big house in the middle of nowhere. Heero invited us to stay with them." Nanashi could feel Trowa's grin on his neck. Trowa really wanted to go back, he missed them, even if he won't admit it. "So we're going to be living there. Its in the middle of nowhere, just like we wanted. And they're very nice...er well polite I guess you could say. Quatre and Duo are very nice. Duo's pretty funny sometimes, kinda odd but welcoming. And Quatre's always been very welcoming...even after I tried to hurt him." Nanashi quieted for a moment. "Wufei's more indifferent than anything else. He's courteous and somewhat friendly but I'm going to have to work a bit to gain his friendship. But he seems to be understanding and willing to accept me there. Heero...Heero is going to take a lot of work. I can't read him at all...so I don't know if he likes me or not. I don't think he trusts me, but I don't blame him." Trowa's arms tightened again. Nanashi's fingers held his hands a bit. "I'm willing to work hard to earn his trust again...and with C.R.Y.P.T. gone, I can. I'll do whatever it takes. Heero says that I can stay with them as long as I don't do anything to endanger them and pull my own weight and I'm more than happy to." Smiling, Nanashi put his arms around Trowa's neck, shifted his position. If Trowa will let me, that is. "So I guess that means I'm going to be okay now."
"Of course you will, Little one." Trowa smiled. "I will make sure of it." They shared a warm kiss. "Shall we go? Or is there more you want to say? I can wait." Nanashi looked to the grave. There was a small smile still on his face. I'll come back and visit you Jack. You can count on it. I'll come back soon.
"No...that's all...Good bye Jack. I'll come back to see you again." Nanashi bid him farewell. Trowa smiled.
"And don't worry Jack. I'll take good care of Little one. You have my word." Trowa insisted. Nanashi nodded and stood on shaky, cold legs. His jeans were damp from sitting in the wet and cold grass. Trowa smiled at him, scooped him up into his arms, grinning at the blush that Nanashi let spread across his cheeks. "Let's head home, get warmed up." Nanashi nodded. "Goodbye Jack. Next time." And Trowa started his walk, still with a slightly limp to it. Sighing slightly, Nanashi rested against him shoulder. He looked back for just a moment, reading the etchings on the cold stone.
Jack Sebastian Windsor
Loving son, brother, and guardian
"We are all Victims of Naturalism. There are no differences."
I know Jack...I know... Nanashi thought to himself, singing softly, watching the growing smile on Trowa's face as he listened, reminding himself of the truth to those words. "All victims of Naturalism." I know Jack...I know...
"Alas my love you do me wrong
To cast me out discourteously;
When I have loved you so so long
Delighting in your company.
Your gown was of the grassy green
Your sleeves of satin were hanging by
Which made you be a harvest queen
Yet you would not love me"
"Green sleeves was my all my joy
Green sleeves was my delight,
Green sleeves was my heart of gold
And who but my lady green sleeves.
Alas my love you do me wrong
To cast me out discourteously;
When I have loved you so so long
Delighting in your company."
Ok that's that
Nanashi: don't you have notes?
oh yeah, thanks Nanashi. My notes. The wind represents Jack, since it has some very comforting movements. The halo symbolizes Nanashi's understanding and the end of his cycle of killing. The words on the headstone are pretty self explanatory. Everyone is a victim, one way or another. Um i think that's it....yeah i guess so So yeah that's the end
Nanashi: do i still have a purpose then?
course you do you're in my next story, ok i'm off to write and work on my rotary application RR please, and i hope to get feedback on the next one i write Sayonnara