Disclaimer-If you think about it, I don't even own the words I use, because I didn't invent the English language. (Chews rubber band and thinks on it)

The Spam-Mail From No One

Harry clicked on every link in the e-mail, apparently possessing no respect for other people's privacy. He read one of those Internet quizzes (Turns out Harry was most identified with a llama. Who knew?), a chain letter that threatened painful deaths for those who did not send it within .87 seconds to 502 of their friends (Harry decided to leave that for Uncle Vernon) and then…an e-mail for Harry.

(Cue Dramatic Music)

Harry stared at the bold letters that read: re: Hogwarts Acceptance Letter. Slowly, rapturously, he moved the mouse so that little arrow thingy hovered directly above the link. He began to left-click…so close…

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Out of nowhere, in super slow-mo, Vernon came charging. The house shook with every step he took and the mirror fell off the bathroom wall three houses away. He leapt from the ground, did a triple-quadruple back flip in super-duper slow-mo, narrowly dodging the bullets that came out of nowhere, lunged at Harry, and knocked him from the revolving chair.

"Dude!" Harry yelled indignantly. "I mean, really, could you BE ripping off the Matrix more?"

Chandler Bing lit up a cigarette and grumbled about people who made fun of his speech patterns.

"That's not for you," Vernon said. "It's for some champion chess player in Romania, because apparently, that and Albania are the only important foreign countries except for cameo appearances by France and some indeterminate country. I deleted it."

"Well, that was rude," Harry scolded. "You should have sent it to him instead of deleting it. What if he really needed it? What if it was a last message from his dying mother? What if it was his exotic super-model wife telling him that their ridiculously adorable baby had learned to say "Anorexia"? What if it was about the Gettysburg Address………"

(FIVE HOURS LATER)

"…and a water balloon? Did you ever think of that, huh?"

"What if it was spam-mail?"

Harry looked thoughtful. "Maybe you did him a favor. You get your Deleting-Suspicious-E-mail Badge, Uncle Vernon!"

Vernon pinned the badge to his sash and smiled proudly while Harry skipped off to bed, not thinking it was suspicious at all.

The next day, the Durselys and Harry were having a nutritious part of this complete breakfast when the phone. Harry ran to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"7 days…" a creepy, disembodied voice answered.

"Well, how did you know it was 7 days until my birthday? I'll finally be an adolescent! I won't get any discounts at buffets or movie theaters anymore! Hey, did you know they discovered Daniel Radcliffe in a movie theater? Isn't that cool? And why does he have blue eyes in the movie? Aren't they supposed to be green? And why does Ron get all the sucky parts? Haven't they totally destroyed Ron's character? And didn't the 3rd movie have a lot more Harry/Hermione than Ron/Hermione? So, who is this?"

"……Sorry, I think I have the wrong number," the same voice said.

"No problem, my good woman!" Harry said cheerfully. He hung up the phone, and then, magically, it rang again!

"Hello?…………Sure, tell me all about your long-distance plan!"

(2 DAYS LATER)

"Yes, yes, Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Aunt Bertha, I'll call," Harry promised sincerely. "Bye-bye now." He hung up.

And the phone rang again! Harry picked it up. "Hello?"

"Are you Harry James Daniel Timothy Henry Samuel Maurice Pothead the 516th?"

"Yeppers!"

"Well, guess what, Harry, you're a wiz…darn, I'm going through a tunnel!" The connection broke.

"I'm a wiz?" Harry asked incredulously. A stunning smile suddenly spread across his lips. "I'm a wiz!"

He ran through the streets yelling, "I'm a wiz! I'm a wiz!" Old ladies sighed sadly and declared it was a shame that such a fine-looking boy should be…slow. The Potheads beat him up.

"Guess what?" Vernon announced over breakfast the next day. "We're going to an abandoned island to keep us safe!"

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Well, that's my timeshare."

"Why?"

"Because it is."

"Why?"

"Because that's how God intended it."

"Why?"

"Because He's all-powerful and all-knowing."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Harry was stumped at this, so he went to pack his bags.

And so, to keep the family safe, Vernon led them to his timeshare abandoned island in a rickety old boat. The house seemed to be made of popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue but they overlooked that.

Predictably, Harry slept on the floor, wrapped in nothing but a blanky and cuddling a stuffed bunny.

Poor, poor Harry. Today he would turn 11 and nobody cared. That didn't quite match up, because the "7 days" phone call had only been 3 days ago, but Harry shrugged it off as merely a glitch in the Matrix, and wept disconsolately.

"Oh, woe is me!" he wailed angstily (From Webster's Dictionary: "Angstily" is not a word). "I must suffer the predictably cruel fate of every protagonist on the planet: A meanie step-family and no apparent way out until someone delightfully strange rescues me! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Quite suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.

"Who's there?" Harry called.

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Banana."

"Banana who?"

KNOCK, KNOCK

(3 HOURS, 49 MINUTES AND 2.83 SECONDS LATER)

KNOCK KNOCK

"Who's there?"

"Orange."

"Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?"

(Cue Laugh Track)