Disclaimer-(Battles away lawyers)

A/N-I don't hate Catholics. How could I, my mom is Catholic! But those people who go around saying that Harry Potter is demonic really get on my nerves and yes, most of them are Catholic. So don't go around saying I'm prejudiced, or I'll sic my flying hermit crabs of doom and gloom upon you!

The Keeper of the Peas

BOOM

The door fell in. The Durselys all woke up and came running into the room because, apparently, they'd slept through the whole knock-knock joke.

The very large man that everyone should recognize easily came into the room.

"FE FI FO FUM…wait." Hagrid tossed a script over his shoulder. "I'm shooting that tomorrow. Anyway…where's Harry Potter?"

"Here!" Harry called in a childish voice, raising his hand.

"Ah, Harry, I could go into a long and tragically sweet trail of memories about you as a baby but the author doesn't feel like it. My name is Rubeus Hagrid, but since Rubeus is too nice a name for me, call me Hagrid."

"Get out of my house!" Vernon yelled, pulling the trigger.

It hit Hagrid. He seemed to freeze, and then, in slow-mo, he fell face forward to the floor. Harry ran to him and somehow managed to turn him on his back. How he did it, we shall never know.

"Harry…" Hagrid said in a raspy voice. "I need you…to take over the family business…Kaley Cuoco can't handle it."

"Hagrid."

"Tell my wife I love her, would you?"

"Uh, Hagrid."

"Dark…it's getting so dark…"

"Hey, Hagrid."

"Dad, is that you?"

"HAGRID. It was a WATER GUN."

Harry pointed to the gun in Vernon's hands. It was bright purple and had "Super Soaker" emblazoned across it.

"Yeah, I know, but this was my only opportune moment for a death scene." Hagrid took out his resume and scribbled that piece of useful information on it.

"Now," he said as he pocketed his resume. "I'm the Keeper of the Peas at Hogwarts."

"Do you work in a bathroom or a receptical tank?" Harry asked innocently.

Hagrid stared at him blankly. "Peas as in VEGETABLES, Harry."

"…OH."

Hagrid sighed and took a very dip swig of Irish Ale.

"Well, Harry, there's something you should know. I am your FAAAAAAAATHER."

"No, you're not."

"I know, but I wanted to try out Darth Vader." Hagrid quickly wrote that on his resume, too. "You're actually a wizard!"

"A wizard? Someone on a cell phone told me I was a wiz."

"A WIZ?!" Hagrid roared. Angrily, he turned Dudley into a big yellow bird, which turned out to be a blessing rather than a literal curse, because he went on to become loved by 3-year-olds everywhere with the pseudonym "Big Bird".

(Ripping off SilverPhoenix25? Why, whatever do you mean?)

"Harry, your parents were the best of the best wizards of the day, beloved by all except the book-burning Catholics! They fought the evil forces of murder, corruption, pollution, and double-parking until they were tragically killed by the antagonist!"

"Really?" Harry had always been told his parents died in a freak Twizzlers accident. It was very tragic.

"Yep! And you'll be going to school to learn magic even though no one can really think of jobs that require magic besides teaching it."

Hagrid handed Harry a printed-out e-mail.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT, WIZARDRY, AND IMPERFECTIONS OF PIG FLESH

By order of Headmaster Albus Many-Middle-Names Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, 1st class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump of International Confederation of Wizards, and All-Around Nice Guy)

"Dear Harry James Daniel Timothy Henry Samuel Maurice Pothead the 516th," Harry read out loud. "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Imperfections of Pig Flesh because we simply must further the plot. RSVP. Yours, Minerva McGonagall, otherwise known as M&M."

"He's not gonna go," Vernon said, crossing his arms and stamping his foot.

"Shut up, you Muggle," Hagrid said.

Petunia shrieked and covered Dudley's ears.

"Well, there was no need to get rude about it," Vernon said huffily. He turned to the camera. "It's like this all the time!" he complained. "All he ever calls me is "Muggle"! And he never does his own laundry either!"

"Did you know I was a wizard?" Harry asked.

"Of course we know! Haven't you read my book How To Hide From Your Beefy can't-be-bothered-to-cut-and-paste For Dummies? If you had read it, you would realize that I'm a witch, too, and I dated Severus Snape until Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black tried to kill me and I thought that Snape had set me up so I left Hogwarts and had a fight with your mother and never spoke to her again and now I have to look after you and live, as the title says, an angsty and regretful life. Good God, no one reads anymore! You know who's to blame? MTV. Or Canada. One of them. Or both of them. God!"

Petunia stormed upstairs and slammed the bedroom door.

"So, Hagrid, who's the antagonist?" Harry asked serenely.

"A very, very, evil wizard by the name of…MOLDYWARTS."

Lightning struck. Horses reared. A woman screamed. Goldfish swam in a circle. All other manners of panic were induced.

"But how did I survive?"

"Harry, don't you know that's part of a plot device saved for the 5th Book?" Hagrid asked sadly, shaking his head. "The ex-witch is right, no one reads anymore." He sighed. "But anyways, Moldywarts gave you that sign on your forehead."

Harry rubbed the Tinkie-Winkie sign furiously. "Is that why La-La and Po are always trying to make-out with me? At the same time?"

"I guess. So, Harry, ready to plunge into a book series and be loved by nearly all the planet?"

"Oh, why not?" Harry said happily. He took Hagrid's arm and skipped merrily from the house, then skipped merrily back in because it was raining and Hagrid didn't like getting wet.