Disclaimer-I know naught of this ownership you speak of!

Shout-outs:

Dadivaunv—Catholics ARE Christians. Catholicism isn't a separate religion, it's just a denomination of Christendom. Like Protestantism and Deism (That's me)! Methodists, Baptist, Lutherans, etc are all subdivisions of Protestantism.

Diagon Alley—Can't Think of Funny Alteration

Birdies chirped and squirrels hunted acorns. Dolphins barked and played happily. Wolves and deer made friends. It was a day Snow White would've been proud of.

"Oh, Danny BOOOOOOOOOY, oh DANNY BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY, I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry and the Durselys all turned to stare at Hagrid.

"Blah, blah, blah, nobody cares what I say," Randy said.

"Oh, you're so adorable. I love you. You are so totally you singing Irish laments. Call me," Paula said, tears of happiness and admiration in her eyes.

"You suck. I hate you. You should go drown yourself before you torture anyone else's eardrums," Simon said.

Petunia made the AI judges disappear with her wand. Nobody noticed she had it, though, because they all figured it was another glitch in the Matrix. Anyways, an owl swooped in and gave Hagrid the paper.

Front Page Headline: THERE WAS A BOMB SOMEWHERE THAT KILLS LOADS OF PEOPLE, SURVIVORS SAY: "WHAT ELSE IS NEW????"

Second Page Headline: JENNIFER LOPEZ MARRIES 17th BOYFRIEND, FAMILY SAYS: "WHAT ELSE IS NEW?????"

Third Page Headline: THIS STUFF IS NEW!!!

The owl had a sign on it that says "Must be paid in food or money". The owl looked around, and spotted the familiar red box. It swooped in, grabbed the box with its talons, and made to escape.

"NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Harry yelled, jumping on the box and pinning it down, the owl still trying to flap off with it. "Get your own box!!"

The owl beat him about the face with his wing, making Harry let go of the box, and then flew from the house before anyone could stop him.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN –deep breath— OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

For, you see, Harry had lost a priceless treasure. He had lost…

White Cheddar Cheez-its.

(Cue Violin)

"Let's go shopping, Harry!" Hagrid said.

"Okay!" Harry said, Cheez-its forgotten.

"How dare you?!" Vernon yelled, weeping and holding a picture of the Cheez-its. "She's not even cold yet!!!!!!!"

And Harry and Hagrid left the house of much weeping and gnashing of teeth behind them.

Hagrid and Harry first went to the bank, where Harry's discovered, by the ATM receipt, that he was a bajillionaire. They wasted much time there, because the machine ate Hagrid's ATM card, and they had to get a new one from the goblins, and Hagrid was very mad because he needed something from the vault but he didn't have is ID on him so they wouldn't let him get it. Finally he punched out the goblins and stole it, along with some of Harry's money. Then he gave Harry and himself sunglasses so they wouldn't be recognized as bank robbers and he made sure his timeshare in Costa Rica was still available. It was all very exciting and Harry was somehow sure it would be relevant later on, but he just wasn't sure how.

Harry was reading the list of requirements.

"All first year students require books whose authors all have names somehow relating to the subject which you never actually use anyway and we just assign them to make the Weasleys look poor," Harry read off. "They also require cloaks and robes until third year, when apparently you can wear jeans. You can have a pet as long as you bring a Pooper-Scooper with it." He looked up at Hagrid. "Wowies-bajowies Hagrid, can we buy all this in London?"

"Yep!"

So Hagrid and Harry strolled the streets of London. Harry stopped to get an autograph from Courtney Cox-Arquette, who was shooting the London episodes with the rest of the cast, and told Matt and Lisa on no uncertain terms that Joey and Phoebe belong together. After glaring at the script writers, Hagrid and Harry went on their merry way.

Then Hagrid and Harry finally arrived at the store. The store where you can buy anything. The holy of holies. The store of…

WAL-MART.

(Cue Angelic Choir of Angelic Angels)

"You can go get your clothes by yourself. I'm shooting Jack and the Beanstalk today," Hagrid said, magically disappearing, even though since he was expelled in his 3rd year, he would never have been able to learn to Apparate.

Harry yippee-skippeed into the clothing section of Wal-Mart. After having picked out a predictably boring outfit (Author is female and therefore bad at describing boys' clothes) and went to the changing rooms.

"These leather pants are too tight!" a blonde boy whom we all recognize right off the bat screamed at the legions upon legions of scurrying, pathetic creature. "They're chaffing me! Get me some more! Now!"

And the scurrying, pathetic creatures scurried pathetically to get him another set of leather pants.

Draco caught Harry staring at him. He quickly rearranged his facial features. "Yo, smack wid da shizzo, homedog."

"Word, my brudda," Harry answered, and went to his own stall to change.

When he came out, Draco had also changed into a new set of pants.

"Pleather's de shiznat, yo," Harry said politely. "It's old school, yo."

"This one makes my butt look big!" he yelled at the scurrying, pathetic house-elves. "Ain't worth shizzo, yo, like the rest of ya!"

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Harry yelled, wagging his finger in the air.

"Oh, yeah, I did, Bizzlenatch."

"Like, you're so rude!" Harry yelled, flinging around his hand, which suddenly sported a bright red manicure. "It's like, so bad for my aura. Seriously! Now I need to go buy incense. Bye-bye, loser, loser, double loser, whatever, as if, get the picture, duh!" Harry flounced away to go buy incense. Never mind the fact that the last time he burned incense he set the house on fire. In fact, that was why the house on Vernon's timeshare was made of popsicle sticks. Vernon was apparently pretty cheap with building materials.

Hagrid suddenly reappeared. "Hogwarts has four houses," he said for no particular reason. "In a nutshell, Gryffindors rocks, Slytherin sucks, and no one really cares about Ravenpuff and Huffleclaw."

"RAVENCLAW AND HUFFLEPUFF!!!!!!!!!" fangirls all over the world screamed, and promptly burst into tears at the thought of the death of whatever ridiculously hot guy they got to play Cedric who says a grand total of two lines and flexes his pecs even after he dies.

"Because now we can see how JKR prioritizes personalities," Hagrid continued. "In all actuality, bravery, intelligence, industriousness, and ambition are all good qualities but there has to be the predictable house of evil people that no one in their right mind would want in their school except everyone knows Dumbledore's not in his right mind. How can the poor guy be, people are always making him hook up with McGonagall, Moody, me, Hermione, you, Snape, Moldywarts, and Bellatrix."

"Who's Bellatrix?"

"Don't worry, you'll hate her later. She has a predictably evil name, so we can know that for certain. Oh, and she's Moldywarts's…"

The Censors, having taken a coffee break from Jerry Springer, glared at him.

"…Advisor, yeah, that's it." Hagrid coughed loudly.

Harry got his aforementioned books and Hagrid bought him a bag of fish for a pet.

"And now, for my wand," Harry said. "A come-from-behind awkward moment that will somehow be relevant in upcoming years."

"Right you are, Harry. Right you are."

Harry and Hagrid went and got Harry's wand, which had a phoenix feather core (Note subtle irony with 5th book) that turned out to be taken from the same phoenix that supplied the wand core to Moldywarts's brother's sister-in-law's ex-husband's father's uncle's stepmother's aunt's best friend's barber's ex-lover's cousin's dog's former owner's grandmother's stepson who happened to be Moldywarts.

Harry and Hagrid went to get some McDonald's.

"Oh, but Hagrid, I'm just a lowly 11-year-old who sets fires to houses with incense," Harry exclaimed. "How could I ever do anything that would somehow save the world and be beloved by all except the Fundamentalists and the Orthodox Southern Baptists?"

"I though it was Catholics who hate us?"

"Apparently not. J-chan once again got her facts mixed up. OW!" Harry was poked with mechanical pencil.

"Well, no worries there, Harry, you're name's in the title, so you obviously must do something important."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"Absotively posolutely?"

"YES, NOW SHUT UP!!!!!!"

Harry shut up and drank his Pepsi-Coke-Dr. Pepper-Hi C-Brisk Ice Tea-more Pepsi drink that he had concocted at the McDonald's soda machine.

(Cue Scene Change Music)

Once again, I have NO religious vendetta against anyone, but people who burn FICTIONAL books saying "They teach kids to be evil, Devil-worshipping Wiccans and Pagans!" really bother me. Especially because Wiccans don't worship the Devil and I don't think Pagans do, either.