Disclaimer: Oh, the end of the story and I gain nothing... No Sailor Moon.
"Where do I begin?"
By Chiisana Anisa
"Here we begin.."
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Where do I begin
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that in older that the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start ?
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You know, life isn't something you should take for granted. Because it's full of lessons. For example, my own.
That is the first thing I have learned from all the things that transpired past year. Life is something precious we must carefully hold in our hands and watch over it like a hawk so that it doesn't break by any chance.
Funny how you can apply this same rule when it comes to the matters of the heart. I had my broken. But let me not kid you, it still is. Really, one would wonder if it got repaired over night and in the morning be suitable to love again. Well, no, it doesn't work that way. Sadly, as my remains broken, so does my awaiting for the day that it gets repaired.
As it seems, I am on a good track towards that day. I have finally caught up with my ghosts from the past. Right now I'm standing at one's door. On the other side is a man that I'll love for as long as I live.
A brave man, strong and faithful. Maybe a bit insecure in himself sometimes, but always there for you when you need support. Well, almost always. A smart man, because he knows when he needs to overstep the boundaries of loyalty to prove right from wrong. And smart because he studies so much.
A handsome man to top it all. I fell in love with his eyes, to be honest. They reflected everything that happened inside of him even if his outside posture screamed indifference. His eyes are the color of the midnight sea and every time I would gaze at him I would feel myself drowning. The worst? I didn't want to be saved.
The next thing I fell in love with was his hair. Black as ebony and thick like blanket with which you cover yourself on the coldest winter nights. Soft to the touch, so much it escapes your fingers and makes you wonder if it's made from silk.
The third thing was his body. I mean, really, I do have eyes. And he has the body of a Greek God. When those strong arms hold me I feel as the most secure thing in the world, and his rock hard chest are a solid wall to lean on in the times of trouble.
But what made me love him was his heart.
So alone in this world, he hid it from the people he knew, stashed it away building hard-brick walls around it and turning off the light surrounding it. He kept it hidden and he did it well. But I found it and made it live again, or that's what he told me. Day by day as we spent together I learned the secrets of his heart and saw how beautiful it was for real.
Underneath it all, it was a heart that needed someone to love it. I provided that. It needed something to make it warm and breathe. I hold myself responsible for that too. He needed someone to trust. Well, that part I did wrong. Mostly in the past year.
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With her first hello
She gave a meaning to this empty world of mine
There'd never be another love, another time
She came into my life and made the living fine
She fills my heart...
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But I was blind. He broke my heart and I didn't stop one minute to think that maybe his is breaking too. I didn't think what I was doing to it, I forgot how easily it is for him to raise those tall walls around it again. I forgot to meld it, and that's why I'm here now.
I came to meld it and my own in the process too. I hope I can start today and that his heart will give me a chance to do it over again until it's full again. Because of that reason I now raise my hand and knock on the doors.
I stand impatiently, waiting as I hear the steps on the other side nearing the doors and hands grabbing the handle. He opens up. As I said, his eyes express everything I want to know. Right now they are telling me that he didn't quite connect the image standing in front of him with my picture in his brain.
Then, finally, everything sinks down and his eyes betray a portion of emotions so strong that it would take a lifetime for me to count them all. But relief is the strongest now, which is confirmed with a let out breath he's been holding from the moment he opened up the door. He whispers my name and I can already feel our hearts melding back together.
"Usagi...?"
I nod, shy smile on my lips and unshed tears in my eyes that began forming somewhere between my musings. "It's me, Mamoru. It's me. " I repeat to assure him.
He steps aside to let me in and I walk straight to the couch and sit down, my legs neatly aside to the right. He comes right after me and for a moment I feel like that year didn't even pass and I'm here just for another one's of my visits when he has free time between school, studying and his job. I look up at him, in those stormy eyes and feel my breath catch in.
My God, I hurt this man?
My brain whispers, he hurt you too, but I refuse to listen. That's not important anymore. I have hurt too much people in the past, that's done and over, so now I must place everything back. I have a mission here, after all.
"Will you let me speak Mamoru?" I ask, sheepishly, afraid he will decline and tell me to get out. My question recieves no answer as we look at each other. He passes through his hair with his right hand and blinks away few times, then sits across of me in a lether chair, crossing his hands.
"Give me a minute, Usagi." He says tearing away his eyes from mine to look down towards the floor. He stares at the blue carpet as the minutes pass by. I just sit and wait. It doesn't matter if that minute turns into hours. I was away for a year, for God's sake, I think I can wait a while longer. His deep voice breaks my thoughts.
"First of all, are you ok?"
I blink, looking at him like he has grown another head. That's Mamoru, for sure. Always the one to ask if you're ok if he himself isn't. "Yes, quite well. And before you ask, I did see the girls and made up with them. And I saw my parents too. I came the last to you, for I figure we have scheduled a very long talk. Right?"
He nods absently. "Yes. And I didn't want to ask you about the group or your parents, I know all of that. I just wanted to know how are you."
"I already said I'm fine, Mamoru. And you? Are you too fine? Or just well?" I ask, a bit harshly than I intended.
He looks up immediately. "What's that supposed to mean? Why wouldn't I be fine?"
I snicker before I can stop myself. "I know you too well Mamoru, don't forget that. And you're not fine, so don't tell me you are. I won't buy it."
He stands up like a shooting ball out of a chair and almost shouts at me. "Don't patronize me Usagi! I'm your elder if you didn't know. And I don't care if you're thousand years and something old right now. If the same thing happened to me I would be very much older than you!"
I feel that old, familiar prick of anger return to my body at his accusing words. I felt betrayed of sort, but angry and down right pissed. Who was he to judge me like that? Does he have any idea what I went through?!
Those same dirty little thoughts from the year ago entered my brain and started clouding it again. Utter rage filled my being, swept it off my feet while I kept staring at him. Bitterness nested in my mind and my heart remained forgotten and left behind in it's attempt to call me to reason.
I raised to my full height and Mamoru draw away. He could probably feel the waves of fury radiating off of me, dangerously dancing around the room we found ourselves in. For some reason he knew what was following but couldn't kept his mouth shut.
"What is it Usagi? Something I said? Well, pardon me if I insulted your royal Highness, but I don't really give a damn. This past year you dictated the rules of this silly little game, but you forgot that you weren't playing it alone. Did you know I died, again?"
He only fueled me further. I let him. Now, my wrath could be almost touchable in the air and I could see the hair on his arms standing up like prickle's. Freezing was the exact word for the atmosphere.
"You just minded your own plans and didn't even stop to think about the rest of us, did you? Who ever gave you the right to do what you did, what were you thinking, for God's sake Usagi...?!" And his tantrum ended, but only because I interrupted him, rather fiercely and harshly.
"I gave my self the right. I thought it over and over again, thinking that maybe you will all change and see how wrong you were. But no, the mighty Tuxedo Mask and the Senshi are always right, don't mind their stupid, always-crying-and complaining leader!!"
I was shaking from the impact that cold anger had on my body, the calm voice of my ever faithful heart lost somewhere deep within my walls.
"A game, Mamoru? You really think that's all it was? Merely a game for me and that I enjoyed it endlessly? That only proves how good you really know me." My eyes were on fire, but I could already feel the cold beginnings of tears forming in the corners of my eyes. The man of my dreams was standing here in front of me and accusing me?
For what? For trying to make everything better, even if the cause itself was done in one of the most ugliest and dangerous ways? Anger began dying down, inch by inch and I felt like an empty shell. Like only a shadow of someone who I once was.
I, the Princess of the Moon, the leader of the Sailor Senshi. I felt abandoned, even though I made up with my best friends, even my parents forgave me for everything. But I'll remain this way if the man I love pushes me away from him now. I just know it.
Mamoru stares at me expectedly, obviously waiting to hear something else. When he catches up that I'm done for now and have nothing more to say, he starts. "Oh, God, Usagi. Do you know what have you done?" His voice is shaky and at the edge of tears.
I look up at him and actually can see the mist of tears in his eyes also. As if I'm seeing some doll, I can't believe my sight. The strongest man I ever knew is now crying here before me. Let me take that in.
Mamoru?
Crying?
Still not sinking in. Shakily I step forward and this time Mamoru doesn't back off, he stands at the spot. "What's wrong?" I whisper, coming even closer, tenderly and fearfully laying a hand against his chest. In a second I find myself wrapped inside of his embrace, caught tightly into his arms.
I can hear his heart racing rapidly and fast puffs of air against my ear. One of his hands sneaks into my hair, messing it slightly and the other clutches at my waist, holding me steady to him. Now I'm really scared out of my wits and I try to call him back. "Mamoru? Tell me what it is?"
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She fills my heart with very special things
With angel songs, with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go, I'm never lonely
With her along who could be lonely
I reach for her hand, it's always there
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He pulls back, and looks me directly in the eyes, blue clashing blue while one word crosses his lips in the quietest of all whispers. "Chibi-Usa..."
The realization struck hard and right on the spot. I knew what I was risking when I started this game, as Mamoru called it. I was deeply aware what the consequences could be, but I assured myself that Chibi-Usa was strong enough to make it trough. Now, I know why he blamed me so. And this time, I'm the one who collapses into his arms, sobbing and overpowered by sorrow, loss and great pain.
"Shh, Usagi... please don't cry. Not now..." He tries poorly to comfort me, but fails miserably when I can hear a sob escaping his lips too. I snuggle even deeper into his hold, seeking a sanctuary which will take away all the injuries of my heart and my soul. On the other hand I'm offering it to him too.
Who could've predicted this? Just few minutes ago we were screaming at each other, blaming one another and holding the distance far too big to cross. And here, we're wrapped around each other, both probably asking for forgiveness the other can give. Only now I realize how much I depend on his strength and how cruel of me it was to push that away when I did. I feel like I still have to apologize.
"Mamoru... I didn't know... I believed no harm would come to her."
He lifts up my chin gently and his eyes speak to me more than ever about what he's feeling. He's hurting inside for what I have done, but trying hard to forgive me. It doesn't last long and the message of apology accepted shines through. I smile badly, thanking him.
He wipes away the tears with the tops of his thumbs, but still I'm held softly by him. I enjoy the fact it's so, that he's not pushing me away, telling me to be gone. "What now?"
Only now, he looks away, outside through the window we're standing next to, and breathes slowly in. Mamoru, feels to me, has no right answer. So I try. "Do we stay together? After all of this?"
His head snaps back at me like I burned him with the question, his eyes piercing me. I feel skinned to the bones underneath that look he's giving me and the beginning of solitude slips inside of my heart. What does this mean? That I will not be able to carry out the task I set out for myself when I knocked on his door?
That I won't even be given the chance to do so?
Anxiety spreads around me and I shake a bit. He's still looking at me with that equal gaze, intense and ever-searching. He replies. "Do you want us to be together again?"
My heart jumps high at the given offer. Yes, I scream from the inside but on the outside I stutter saying. "Yes.." Meekly looking down at the rim of his sweat-shirt I'm frightened of what will he say next and am well aware that at this point my heart lies in his hands. My whole future if I want to be honest.
"Well, I want it too."
That sentence has me soaring the skies and I start feeling deliriously happy. Therefore I jump, locking my arms around his neck and just swing myself from happiness. He gives out a small laugh that rings in my ears after long time and I sigh, content.
So the chance was given after all and I took it gladly. How fortunate for me. But I'm not stupid, and I did not forget all the things that still await for us. We haven't set everything straight, it will probably take a lot more than a promise and few tears to make our hearts whole. But the healing process has started, and I'll be damned if I let it be broken ever again.
The memory of Chibi-Usa reenters my brain and I pull away ashamed. "What?" He asks and can see the wrinkling of my forehead and the new tears. "Chibi-Usa..." I cry out weakly and without any clue of what to do on that field.
He leans in and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips, then looks at me smiling. "We'll make it all right." He offers as a solution and I accept quickly. With him, I believe will make the whole world right.
"But you know, Usako, this is just the start. We have much more to go through and talk about." He voices my previous thoughts, as if he read them. I nod, pleased he knows it won't be easy and still is going for it. But the loss of my daughter nested tightly in the bottom of my heart, even if the rest is filled with all that Mamoru as my soul-mate makes...
"Mama...!"
The sound comes from the other side of his apartment doors and I freeze in place. Startled I turn my head to see the doors slowly opening and pink haired girl comes bubbling in with a smile on her face big enough to blind the entire population of this planet.
Mamoru's hands aren't enough to hold me now, and I collapse on the floor, leaning on his legs, in shock. "Chibi-Usa..?" I squeeze out unbelievingly. She nods happily and jumps through the air only to land in my lap, tears washing her face, despite the smile.
Mamoru comes down to hug us both, repeating her name and I let him hold me while I hold her. "Chibi-Usa... But how?"
She looks up with her bright brown-red eyes, the mystery swimming inside. "All you had to do was to give each other another chance. You did, and here I am."
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How long does it last
Can love be measured by the hours in a day
I have no answers now but this much I can say
I know I'll need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there
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I look at her still too stunned, but my mind reasons with her explanation. I cry out her name and grasp her close to me, Mamoru doing the same with both of us. I'm pretty sure we're now making a picture of one happy family, crying, but happy.
In my head I thank the Gods and everything nice for this I'm given. I swear I'll take care of it that it will always remain this way. I'm holding two people that mean more that anything in the whole universe to me and I'm not intending to let go.
For a long time.
Behind their back, in the corner of the room on a small coffee table blue light appears, shining upon small object that just landed on the clean and smooth surface. Later when the reunited family gets up to sit and talk they will see it lying there peacefully.
The thing will be the sign that the hope is still here. That love always wins in the end. That some bonds are far greater and stronger to be broken by our mistakes. Because, after all we are only humans and are made that way. To learn from our mistakes and never repeat them again.
The golden object will forever remain the symbol of light and of the woman who despite the risk decided to change the world for better.
Usagi's broach.
The End
AN: Hey, it's done!! Finito, the end, no more.
And boy, am I glad. I admit it openly, you have no idea how much I struggled with the ending. As I said, I did have it all written out on paper but when I started reading it... Let's just say I wasn't pleased one bit with how it was written. So, almost two months later and I gave you an ending.
Be noticed, I'm still not pleased with the way I wrote it. I have a feeling it could be better, but for now I'm leaving it as it is. Maybe, I mean BIG maybe, that I'll rewrite it, but Lord knows when.
I want to thank all of my reviewers for their great patience and support through the making of this story. I'm so happy I could fly that I have broken 100 mark on the reviews and all thanks to you, my dear readers.
I'm not sure if I'll write long story like this for Usagi again, but I can guarantee some one-shots in the future. I hope you like the ending, enjoyed it and will continue to follow my stories when they pop up on the pages of
I apologize to Adorable Angel for not sending her the last chapter because I couldn't find her adress. I really hope you'll forgive me, because I promised, but stuff happenes. Please, don't be mad. Everyone else, thanks for everything.
Once again, big, big, BIG thank you note from the bottom of my heart and stay well. Lots of love,
Chiisana Anisa