A/N-Yes, I am going to make parodies of the other books.
Not Exactly What The Brochure Said
(End Scene Change Music)
Harry walked happily into the Dursley's house.
"Hey, how did you guys get off the island?" he asked the Dursleys.
…………………………Y'know, that's a fair question How DID they get off the island?
Author ponders it for a bit, then shrugs and continues the story
Harry, for the next month, was generally boring. Oh, and he turned his fish into an owl.
At long last, Harry finally arrived at some random train station.
"How do I get on to platform 9 and ¾?" he wailed, realizing for the first time that that was his station.
"It's easy, Harry, all you have to do is run into this brick wall," Petunia explained, pointing to a pillar.
"Well, you guys don't know, apparently, so away with you!" Harry said.
The Dursleys all disappeared.
"Darn it!" Harry howled. "How am I supposed to find my way to the station that should be absolutely crawling with wizards toting owls and cats and such, yet attracting no attention at all?"
Immediately he was run over by a cart toting an owl, a cat, and such, yet attracting no attention at all.
A large family came running after the cart.
"HOW DARE YOU LET THAT CART GET AWAY FROM YOU??!!" the mother, Molly, was screaming. "YOU COULD HAVE SERIOUSLY HURT SOMEONE oh, look, dears, here's a poor, lost, wandering soul."
(Cue "Poor Wandering One" from Pirates of Penzance)
"I'm Harry Pothead," Harry said.
(Cue Collective Gasp)
Harry looked back and forth between the twins. "I can't tell! Which one of you is Mary-Kate and which one is Ashley?"
The twins stared at him, rapidly blinking out Morse Code. You see, they are only allowed 15 words per movie between the two of them, so they wanted to save them for when they really needed them.
"I'm not even supposed to be here, since I'm not going to Hogwarts this year," Ginny, who has unlimited Rollover Lines, said. "But I think I'll fall in love with you right here and now and project the Inner Squealy Fangirl of all Ginny/Harry writers. Will you sign my bum?"
Ginny disappeared. She apparently forgot that the author is a Harry/Hermione shipper.
Percy was talking on his cell phone. "Look, I've told you a thousand times, you want GEICO, not WEASEL. Where'd you get my cell number, anyway?" He paused as the other person talked, and then grinned. "So, what are you wearing?"
"Hi, Harry, I'm Ron," Ron said. "You can tell right off the bat that the only thing I'll be good for is comic relief, because even my rat is a more important character than I am. I have a feeling we'll be bestest of friends!"
Harry began to tear up. "I'VE NEVER HAD A BESTEST FRIEND!!!"
Harry and Ron linked arms and skipped off into the brick wall, singing, "WE GO TOGETHER LIKE RAMA-LAMA-LAMA, KA-DINGITY-DINGY-DONG!!!!!!!!! WAOOOOOOOOOOOH-YEAH!!!!!!!!"
"Hey, Harry, want a weird and disgusting CGI candy?" Ron said. They had were sitting together in a compartment, like bestest friends should.
"Sure!"
Harry picked up a Chocolate Frog, and then gasped and threw it to the floor.
"What's the matter?" Ron exclaimed.
"Kill it! Kill it!" Harry jumped on the box, effectively crushing it and getting chocolate stains on the floor. Does he know how hard it is to get chocolate out of the carpet?
"Harry! What was that for?"
"I saw…the most horrific…the absolute evil…it was a…a…a…POKEMON CARD!!!!!!!"
"Wh-which one?"
"It was a PIKACHU!"
Ron screamed like a little girl and hid under the seat.
Suddenly, the door opened. A girl with a Very Goofy Movie-esque 'fro named Hermione stood there.
"WouldyoutwostopyellingIt'sruiningmyhair!!!"
"How?" Harry asked.
"Wellwhenyoutalkyourealeasesalivaaswellasair…"
TWO HOURS LATER
"…andthat'showIfoundWaldo!" Hermione yelled, proudly brandishing a child's book.
She walked out.
Ron was flipping through his script/character guide. "Nope, this year I'm supposed to hate her. It's only the even-numbered books in which I like her."
Suddenly, the door opened again. Draco and his posse entered. His posse consisted of some no-name scantily-clad girls, Beavis, and Butthead.
"Well, hello, Draco!" Ron said amicably. "What brings you to our humble neck of the…train?"
"Talk to the back 'cause you need a Tic Tac. Not one, not two, but the whole dang pack!" Draco recited.
Ron curled into a fetal position and cried.
"Get out! Get out!" Harry yelled. "I'm not really that threatening and we both have bad one-liners but apparently, you're frightened of me!"
Draco and his posse ran away screaming. Not because of Harry, oh no. They had seen the remains of the Pikachu card and that was the sign of evil even Moldywarts was frightened of. Oh, and he was frightened of Harry's Tinkie-Winkie sign. But nobody knows that…
"All right, guys, for no reason at all we're gonna put you on a boat so you can freeze to death," Hagrid said.
"Hagrid," Harry said, squinting at the side of the boat. "Why does it say Titanic on the side of the boat?"
(Cue Ominous Feeling)
"Um…no reason!"
After a fairly uneventful ride—well, if you can call crashing into an iceberg and nearly drowning uneventful—they arrived at the Hogwarts Castle.
Hagrid knocked on the door. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!"
"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin chin!" a squeaky voice answered.
"Then I huff (deep breath) and I'll puff (another deep breath) and I'll BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW your house down!"
"Hagrid, wouldn't it be easier to just open the door?" Ron said.
Hagrid looked around. "Did someone hear something?"
Ron wept bitter, lonely tears. Oh, the pain of being a secondary character.
"Y'knowthiscastlelookssuspiciouslyliketheoneinBeautyandtheBeast," Hermione said.
The new students watched a bunch of sissy Frenchmen singing show tunes try to knock the door in until they got run over by a UPS truck.
The door swung open of its own accord.
(Cue Creepy Organ Music)