Disclaimer-No own, no sue!

The Sorting Hat Is Phat, Yo

(End Creepy Organ Music)

Professor McGonagall stood in the hallway. She looked generally unpleasant.

"I'm Professor McGonagall. Do as I say or I'll kill you."

Lightning struck. Everyone looked up. The stage crew guys yelled down a muffled, "Sorry!". McGongall shook her head, grumbled about that being the 6th time this week, and led the students towards the Great Hall.

"You're going to be sorted into houses," she said as they stopped outside the typical humungous double doors. "It's very important because it determines whether or not you're going to be important in the story."

The students gasped and whispered emphatically.

"It also determines whether you're the protagonist or antagonist. So try to get into Gryffindor, won't you?"

The students gasped and whispered emphatically some more.

The double doors swung open and the students went, single-file like good little brainwashed brats, and somehow managed to align themselves in alphabetical order. How, we shall never know.

"Everybody in the spot tonight! Everybody getting sorted tonight!" someone rapped. Everyone looked around to see who it was. Could it possibly be that ugly hat on the stool with its brim moving?

No. It was Mr. Jiggyfly. He was in the corner, rapping for the hip-hop mob bosses.

The students watched him for a while, then turned back to the hat.

But when the hat straightened up, they saw that it had a heavy fake gold chain, and a baseball hat turned backward and upside down sat upon its head.

(Cue Unoriginal Rap Music)

"Have you ever seen a Hufflepuff be important to the story, being cool in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Ravenclaw act dumb besides Cho Chang, her booty shaking in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Slytherin be a poor Mudblood, but still be cool in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Gryffindor who won't get his/her own fanclub, fangirls screaming in Hogwarts?"

So fresh, so fly, so sweet, so polite!

Ravenclaws are neat-o but turn out freaks and tarts!

There's the Slytherin talk, the Slytherin walk

There's prejudice over there and it didn't just start!

Hufflepuffs are kinda dumb

Their heads are big drums

They like to work, not to play, so we'll ignore them

Nah, don't worry none

Gryffindors have cool wands

Fired up to make the evil Dark Wizards gone

You sitting in my school

Waiting to eat

Hip-Hop's not cool in England, apparently!

Up in the school with your hands in the air

So much Quidditch in the atmosphere

Malfoy, quit fronting, you can't play for beans!

Harry, you're the protagonist so you can fly sweet!

Hermione, you're really smart, you read lots of books!

Ron, you've got fangirls, they think you got some looks!

You're the only VIP in the stories, you're cool!

And I'm just this weird, rapping, CGI tool!

Have you ever seen a Hufflepuff be important to the story, being cool in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Ravenclaw act dumb besides Cho Chang, her booty shaking in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Slytherin be a poor Mudblood, but still be cool in Hogwarts?!

Have you ever seen a Gryffindor who won't get his/her own fanclub, fangirls screaming in Hogwarts?"

(Author does not want to attempt parody-ing the rest of the song because hip-hop severely annoys her)

The mindless drones clapped and turned to McGonagall. The professor quickly snatched do-rag of her head and shoved it in her pocket.

The Sorting was very boring and nobody cared about anyone else. Hermione went to Gryffindor, Draco went to Slytherin, and Ron went to Gryffindor in the projected future.

Harry finally went up to the Hat. He put it on his head and sat down.

"Yo, yo, you CENSORED you should be in Slytherin 'cause that'll show ya inner angst."

"Yeah, but it'd be kinda dumb to place me among the antagonists wouldn't it? Word."

"Yeah, I be thinking so. Smack wid da shizzo and back up da hubcap, playa. WOOOOOOOOOOOORK."

And Harry went to Gryffindor and was very, very happy.

Dumbledore stood up. "Hark! The tale I do tell-eth is the Setting!"

(Cue Collective Gasp)

"Hear ye, hear ye! Away from the 3rd-Floor stay ye or die grisly deaths, unless you are Harry, Ron, and Hermione! Thee protagonists shall-eth have the chance to flex thy own strengths, even though it's the last time-eth Ron shall have-eth to be important-eth to-eth the-eth story-eth. Hark!" He sat down.

(Author has just blatantly ripped off citygirl116 and begs forgiveness from her Greatness)

And they all skipped merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily to their common rooms, because life is but a dream! Or, in Spanish: Allegre, allegre, allegre, allegre a dormitorios de nosotros, porque vida es un el sueño!

Speaking of dreams, Harry had a very strange one. There were Pikachus floating around his head and he was doing a grind line with La-La and Po. Moldywarts was hugging something to him…something that looked like a Cabbage Patch Doll...

Harry woke up, very, very scared. Ron was muttering about tap-dancing spiders, which Harry thought was strange. Then he thought about spiders…arachnids…scorpions…which sounded like "snakes"…he wondered why everything evil seems to have an "S" in it…he thought about sea cucumbers…then about cucumbers…then about melons…then about sweet…then about sugar…then about how many cups of sugar it takes to reach the moon.

He took out his calculator, decided it took 15 gazillion, and promptly fell asleep.

(Cue Scene Change Music)