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A/N-I bow down low before citygirl1116 and UnderneathTheBridge, for I am about to steal from their stuff

The Completely Fanon-Based Potions Master

Harry and Ron waltzed into Snape's classroom. Quite literally.

"Harry, your three-step is coming long quite nicely," Ron complimented.

"1-2-3, 1-2-3 and……DIP!" Harry instructed, and Ron swung him down deep.

When Ron brought Harry up, they stared at each other for a long time. Harry's rich, emotional emerald green (Or sapphire blue, if you prefer the movies…if there is such a race of people) were locked into the dark, deep depths of Ron's…whatever color his eyes are.

"How dare you!" Draco Malfoy walked to them and slapped both of them. "You're both cheating on me!"

"And Ron is cheating on me, too!" Hermione said. She was suddenly tall and gorgeous, because she had "filled out in all the right places", and she was dressed like a Victoria's Secret model.

She slapped Ron, and then threw herself on Harry. "Oh, Harry, darling love, be mine!"

(Author is quite enjoying this particular scene)

"Ahem."

(Author throws something heavy—perhaps OOTP book?—at Snape's head. It unfortunately misses)

"Sit down!" Snape bellowed, and they all scurried to sit. "Potter, you breathed! A billion points from Gryffindor!"

Harry and Ron grumbled, grumbled, grumbled.

"Weasley, you had better stop grumbling…I prefer it when you whisper sweet nothings…"

"WHAT?!" Hermione jumped up and threw her cauldron at Snape. "You're late on Child Support AGAIN, and you think you can flirt with Ron right in front of me?!"

"Darling sweetie angel love, I told you, I couldn't taint our daughter's innocence by drawing her into my evil life of evil with the evil people who are EVIL!"

"Oh, Sevvie!" Hermione began weeping. "I don't care! Little Alexandria Sapphira Esmeralda Amelia Clarrise Raven Serena Katherine just wants her daddy!"

"How dare you, Severus!" Draco yelled. "I needed you to protect my poor lost soul from the abuse/psychological damage/ritual sacrifice/high heels/starvation/unmentionable things for a PG fic that my father puts me through, and you leave me for that Mudblood? Not that I blame you, though, she IS very sexy."

"I know!" Ron said, trying to look up Hermione's skirt.

She slapped him. "I don't care if we're dating, Ron, you cannot look up my skirt! Harry, on the other hand…"

"Sorry, Hermione," Harry said. "But I'm drawn to the black blackness of Severus's black eyes. Or maybe I'm drawn to Draco's hairstyle that lets him swim like a fish. Or Ron, just because he's Ron. Or Ginny. Or maybe even Sirius. Or maybe I'm into my own mother…darn, I need a Time Turner for that. Hermione, let me see your Time Turner for no particular reason."

Despite the fact that she doesn't get the Time Turner for two more years, Hermione accidentally drops the Time Turner and they were all sucked into a swirly-whirly-cue-shell vortex into guess where!

"Oy, look Prongsie! Girls!"

Sirius rushed in to meet all the pretty girls. He was sexy. Really, really sexy. Good God, he was ever sexy. You could pop popcorn on him; he was that hot.

"Hi, I'm Sirius Lee Black, the Hogwarts Gigalo."

He smiled with dazzling, pure white, pearly teeth. Half the class fainted. The other half shrieked and went blind.

"Hi, I'm Remus Lupin," said another guy. He looked very worn out, but in that rugged, world-wise, sexy way. He scratched his ears. "And I'm Sirius's boyfriend. Wait, maybe I'm Lily's-bestest-friend/American cousin's boyfriend. Oh, I don't know. I'm going to go stalk sheep…almost as if…I'm a werewolf or something…"

No one raised an objection, so he walked away.

"Hi, I'm Peter Pettigrew," another boy said. He was decidedly not attractive, but ugly, chubby, and just generally looked stupid. A thousand fangirls attacked him with knives and he died slowly and painfully. The world rejoiced and was glad.

"Hi, I'm James Potter," the last boy said. He wore glasses, but they were the sexy kind of glasses. He pointed to Harry. "Hey, you look exactly like me except you have green eyes. Golly gee, who in the world could have green eyes that I know of? I just can't think of anybody."

Lily Evans and her two best friends, one of which was named Kate, waltzed into the scene.

"I hate you, Potter."

"I hate you, Evans."

They proceeded to make out.

"Hey, Lily has green eyes," Sirius commented, and all girls in a fifty-mile radius promptly swooned at the sound of his silky, sexy voice. "But there's no WAY that Lily could be James II's mom. There's just NO WAY. Well, please excuse me, I most go make out with Remus now."

As Sirius walked away, Younger Snape walked in. He looked exactly like Older Snape. He was holding a Cher doll protectively to his chest.

"The preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssss, must protect the precioussssssssssssssssssssssssss from the filthy hobittsses…I mean, Mudbloods."

James flicked his wand and Younger Snape was suddenly Michael Jackson.

Older Snape burst into tears and fell to the floor. Draco, Hermione, and Harry all ran to him to comfort him.

"I'm a frail, delicate soul!" Older Snape sobbed. "Just a few harsh words and I'm broken, Harry/Hermione/Draco, I'm broken…The preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…give us the preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!"

He grabbed the Cher doll from Younger Snape and ran away, laughing maniacally about filthy hobittses/Mudbloods.

"Y'know, Harry, you're mother's real hot, even if she is a Mudblood," Draco mused. "But, then, so is Hermione…and so are you."

"Hey, lookit!" Ron picked up the Time Turner, and suddenly the Potions class was whipped back into 1999, NOT 1991.

(Author is very adamant about Harry and others being born in 1988)

"1000 points from Gryffindor for being Potter's son!" Snape yelled at Harry. "Though…I don't know why, but I feel a sort of paternal connection to you. Maybe it's that affair I had with Lily, the Angel Of All That Is Holy."

"Hey, that makes us brothers!" Draco said. "Snape had an affair with my mom, too. And my dad…and me, for that matter. Small world, ain't it?"

The bell rang. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco sent one last wistful, loving look at Snape, and then left the room.

Snape made sure that everyone was out of the room. He looked the door, and then ran to the desk. He unlocked a drawer, then took out a box, then another box, then another box, then another box…

(15,000 BOXES LATER)

Snape cradled the mint-condition Cher doll in his arms like a baby. "Myyyyyyyyyyyyy preciousssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…………"