Disclaimer-No own, no sue

A/N-You have to know the songs to get this chapter

A/N-I also have to thank Katie J for the inspiration for parts of this chapter

Shout-outs: DiggaDigga-You'd be surprised…I think Pettigrew DOES have his own fan following. At least, he has people who don't want to rip his head off, shove it on a stick, and burn it.

Hallo-Queen

Harry and Ron appeared at the Gryffindor Table the next day. Draco walked over to them, because he has no life outside tormenting Ron and Harry. One wonders what he does when he's alone. Probably picks his nose. Or throws small animals out windows and blames Canada. Or maybe the Matrix has him.

"I thought you were going to be expelled!" he yelled in a desperate attempt to shut the author up.

"Nope!" Ron said. "We're indispensable to the plot, unlike you! I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

"Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the Fandango???!!!!!" Harry sang.

"THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTENING, VERY, VERY, FRIGHTENING—ME!!" Draco explained.

"GALILEO, Galileo, GALILEO, Galileo, GALILEO figaro magnificO-O-O-O-O-O!" Hermione yelled from her seat.

"She's a Killer Queen! Gunpowder, gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, guaranteed to blow your mind anytime!" Harry sang.

Hermione somehow took offense to that and glared at him before stalking away.

Harry was waiting on the Quidditch field.

Suddenly, Really Really Hot Guy walked out. He has no name. He is known only as Really Really Hot Guy.

"Hi, Harry," Really Really Hot Guy said. "You're here to learn about Quidditch. Well, here goes." He got on his broom. "I'm a shooting star leaping through the SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY like a tiger, defying the laws of gra-vi-ty! I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva!"

(Author pauses at that, but remembers that this fic is PG)

"I'm gonna go, go, go. There's no stopping me! Y'know, Harry, it is very, very important to the plot that you are a Quidditch player, so pay attention."

"I'm burning through the sky, yeah! 200 degrees; that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit!" Harry responded solemnly. "I'm traveling at the speed of light!"

"I'M WANNA MAKE A SUPER-SONIC MAN OUTTA YOU!!!" Really Really Hot Guy belted out.

"Don't stop me NOOOOOOOW! I'm having such a good time! I'm having a ball! Don't stop me now! If you wanna have a good time…"

"Just give me a call!" Really Really Hot Guy sang.

(Author promptly faints and so we change the scene)

Professor Flitwick was teaching a Charms class. He was teaching them to make feathers fly. Except Hermione, who was very, very bored, because she knew it all already. So she made the feather fly up Ron's nose.

"Fear me, you lord and lady preachers!" she sang, standing up. "I descend upon your earth from the skies! I command your very souls, you unbelievers! Bring before me what is mine: The Seven Seas of Rhye!"

Harry stared at her in wonder. He completely ignored the fact that Ron was allergic to feathers and was having a seizure on the floor right; he was completely absorbed in Hermione. Poor, poor secondary-character Ron.

"Fat-Bottomed Girls, you make the rocking world go 'round!" he said appreciatively.

"I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me," Ron sang miserably, his face turning purple.

"HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAMILY!!" the rest of the class chorused. They all gestured to Hermione. "SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!!"

(Sailors of the HMS Pumpkin Pie rejoice)

"You're just an imbecile! Why don't you actually study for once!" Hermione yelled at him.

"I want to ride my bicyCLE! I want ride my bike. I want to ride my bicyCLE! I want to ride it where I like!" Ron retorted. "And you're a know-it-all!"

"And you smell!"

"Yeah, well, you're a Nick Carter groupie!"

The entire classroom gasped.

"That was WAAAY below the belt, Ron," Harry informed him.

Hermione burst into tears. "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE ME AND SPIT IN MY EYE???!!!" she screamed, and then ran away.

Harry sighed. "This thing called love…I don't know how to handle it!"

"Okay, now you're just ripping off Elvis," Ron said disparagingly.

Professor Flitwick dismissed the class as Harry began chanting, "I know you are but what am I?"

Harry and Ron sat at the Gryffindor table. Hermione was still fairly upset. Light Purple Brown reported that she was singing "Somebody to Love" in the girl's bathroom.

Suddenly, the DADA teacher, Professor Skinny-English-White-Man-In-A-Purple-Turban, ran in. He was very, very, shifty…but I'm sure that he's just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania.

He took a step to the left and jumped to the ri-i-ight, which everyone knew was Shifty-Eyed Language for "There's a mountain troll in the school and we will all die horribly grisly deaths".

Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at his food. Harry coughed loudly. Ron looked at Professor Skinny-English-White-Man-In-A-Purple-Turban, who had put his hands on his hips and pulled his knees in ti-i-ight. Harry sighed and stood up. Ron finally took the hint and walked out, doing the pelvic thrust that really drives them insane.

They knew what they had to do.

Well, Harry, did, anyway. Ron was too busy doing the Time Warp dance

Hermione looked up at the Mountain Troll. Of all the rooms in the castle, what were the odds that it would go into this one?

Poor Hermione. For all her genius, she is obviously ignorant to Plot Elements.

She sighed. "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for MEEEE, FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEERE we are! Born to be kings! We're the Princes of the Universe!!!!!!!!!"

Harry knocked in the door. Ron stood behind him, singing backup.

"Here we are, fighting for survival! We've got to be the rulers of your world!!!" Harry stuck his wand up the troll's nose while Ron tied his shoelaces together. The troll tripped and broke his horned-rim glasses. He then ran away crying. Later he would become a Nobel Prize-winning psychologist to help high-school social misfits who suffered the same fate as he did. But that's another humorous anecdote for another day.

"Will somebody find MEEEEEEEEEE somebody to love??????!!!!!!!!" Hermione sang. She looped her arm through Harry's and they skipped off into the sunset and had 2.5 kids and a dog, while Ron went off to California to live with his sister and star in a sitcom which never did any good because he was nothing, NOTHING without his Friends…

Meanwhile, a creepy disembodied voice sang, "I am immortal! I have in me the blood of kings! (Yeah)! I have no rival! No man can be my equal! TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE OF YOUR WOOOOOOOOOORLD!!!!!!!!"