D A M N A T I O N ?
A Hunter x Hunter fanfic co-authored with fellow forum member and special title holder: Azile
Disclaimer: Hunter x Hunter and Yu Yu Hakusho are copyrighted by Yoshihiro Togashi, Shounen Jump Weekly, Shueisha and Nippon Animation
Author's Note: Azile came up with the idea for this fanfic. Even though I was the one who penned the words, Azile's contribution, in terms of ideas, phrases and scenes, was substantial. Her inspirations and ideas came to her after reading "Salvation". If anyone wishes to dispute the content of the fic, please do so at my forum: and start a thread under "Fanfic Discussion". I do not particularly care for your opinions about our ideas on religion but feel that even though we have put this disclaimer, discussion about our lack of faith is inevitable, hence if you do want to rant, please do so at the forum instead. However, the review board is open to comments on whether you believe that our portrayal of the Hunter characters is accurate or not.
Author's note 2: One author has opined that the Cult of Kristianity is not sympathetic enough to appeal to the Hunter characters and give the true test to see if religion would appeal to them or not. I thoroughly agree, and maybe I wasn't cajoling enough with Leorio in the first chapter. Hence with the last two chapters, Yomi switches tack and opts to use methods of coaxing and subtle pressuring on the last two main characters. I would like to thank that reviewer for suggesting that I should be fairer to the characters and present the more appealing side of religion to them for that reminded me of another tactic which I equally abhor. So though not entirely a comprehensive 'how-not-to-fall-for-the-lies-of-those-who-would-seek-to-convert-you', it has covered the main methods and I hope that armed with this, it can be adapted to your own individual uses and situations.
Author's Note 3: I don't know if Killua's character is entirely consistent in this chapter or not. Originally, this chapter was probably 350 words shorter. Like Kurapika, although Killua's not wordy, we believe that a large part of his character consists of his ability to instantly see through bull and state his point of view in an outrageous, though hideously accurate way. If there are complaints about Killua's character in this chapter, Yomi will most definitely consider reworking it.
Summary: Yomi is pestered by his personal secretary, Azile, to masquerade as Geezus Krist and go to Ningenkai to gauge the reactions of the Hunter characters to his preachings.
Chapter: 3 / 4
Yomi leaned against the brick wall of an alley that looked as bad as it smelt. It was the only refuge open to him, where he would be left alone with no one to mock him any more. He could feel the shark jagged edges of the cracked bricks digging into his back, reminding him, through pain, that he was still alive when by all rights he ought to have been dead for having said those dastardly words and for copping a kou reinforced punch without any defences.
His youki was concentrated around his abdomen, repairing the damaged muscles and disbanding the bruised blood such that the ugly purple swelling subsided at what everyone would acknowledge as inhuman speeds.
His hands trembled as he reached into the folds of his robes again for the phone, only to hear himself groan. The phone had cracked in two places, when Illumi's fist merely brushed past it during the assault. Precariously holding the machine together, Yomi dialed that all too familiar, and now rather hated, number to his Office, where Azile would be swivelling around in his executive chair no doubt, lauding around as if owned the place. Probably already did, just not in name. Just wait until he got those negatives and every damn copy back, then her head would be on a pike, beside his bed to give him sweet dreams.
"Tell me tell me tell me!" Azile gushed in a flurry the moment she handled the receiver as she set down the appallingly large bowl of vanilla ice cream that was doused with generous dollops of hot, melted chocolate. She carelessly licked the corners of her lips, sucked on her fingers where the running ice cream had managed to overflow and reach, then drummed those slag coated fingers on Yomi's desk. "So, did it work? Did ordinary humans succumb to Kristianity's preachings and the Manual's message?"
"My fucking arse were they normal humans! I was punched with kou! In fact, I don't think I'll be having solid foods for the next month, all thanks to you. Dialogue D is a killer. I'd love to see you approach someone and shout Dialogue D in their face and sound you actually believe it!"
"What's wrong with Dialogue D?" Azile sounded perfectly innocent, and Yomi grit his teeth so hard he swore he heard a molar crack.
"Oh, I don't know," Yomi spat, sarcasm so thick in his voice that any lesser woman would have been quivering in fear. "Maybe it's because I'm yelling that they're an aberration of nature to their faces only because the homophobic Manual says so. I was forced to label them as wrong and call them monsters if only because one of them chooses to stick his penis in an arsehole and the other guy lets him do it! Like it's any of my damn business where they decide to stick their bloody penises anyway! How do their sexual activities and preferences affect whether they're a moral person or not?! How have they sinned just because they have engaged in consensual sex?!"
Azile hummed a bit, ignoring Yomi's hyperventilation and weakening grip over his sanity. "I take it Dialogue D backfired then," she solemnly observed.
"Backfire is the understatement of the millenium! It didn't merely backfire. I was surrounded by a mob and vigilantes were going to lynch me if security didn't step in fast enough. I was spat on, kicked, verbally abused, I had a durian thrown at my head and blood is still pouring down my face! My self-esteem is at an all century low. I can still hear 'Shame, Geezus, shame' ringing inside my head and how I felt like I wanted dig a hole and crawl in. Honestly, Azile, just what kind of human would buy into a Cult that likes to make you feel worthless to control you and pry into people's sex lives to determine their character?!"
Azile sighed, and if she were beside Yomi, she'd give him her most compassionate pat on the back, if the bone of compassion within her was larger than her fingernail that is. The poor old guy. He had been too sheltered all his life, believing that brute force, dictatorship and discipline was the only way to control people's hearts and minds. Maybe after a month or so, when he had recuperated, both mentally and physically, from this experience, he could treat it as a small and invaluable lesson and discover that emotional exploitation works wonders too.
"Well, forget about the adults then," she began slowly, "Gon and Killua are only kids. I don't think either of them can hurt you too badly any more."
"Are you being fucking serious? Killua's an assassin with extraordinary skills and Gon's father is reputed to be the greatest hunter of all time!"
"But they're kids." Azile switched to her reasonable, but uncompromising, tone once more. "Even though Killua may be a bit more intelligent than the average twelve year old, his emotions will essentially be that of a child. Surely you can brainwash a child!"
Yomi sighed in defeat. He was in too much pain to argue. "Can I at least ease back on that whole 'you're-gonna-to-burn-in-hell!' approach? Kids respond better to coaxing."
"Oh, all right," Azile conceded. Under normal circumstances, she would have put her foot down and not budged an inch, but guilt of Yomi being beaten up by another nen user and humiliated persuaded her to cut him some slack. "Try the compassionate approach again, like when you tried to do Leorio. Killua doesn't have any dead friends, so I don't think he's going to get upset enough to punch you in the nose."
"Thanks," Yomi muttered, and made the phone disappear into the folds of his robes again. It was hot outside, but he couldn't go back to the shopping mall. Too many people would recognize his face and come up with unbelievably creative ways to torment him for denouncing….what were their names again?
He shook his head. The headache was like having a dozen tympanis struck by toddlers who were getting back at their parents for not endowing them with the proper gifts. He stumbled back onto the main streets of the city, idly drifting on unsteady legs. He constantly bumped into people, murmured apologies that were entirely mechanical, then heard the silver chimes of Green Sleeves as he approached the park.
An ice cream van. Maybe he could take a break and treat his sweet tooth.
He stood in line behind another child who was taking his pleasure in ordering nearly all the flavours that the van had to offer, omitting only red coloured one which Yomi was later told was 'sweet chilli' flavour.
"Yo, Gon! Do you want any?" the child hollered.
A voice faintly floated back. "You go ahead and eat, Killua! I've got to help the granny cross the street! I'll order when I come back!"
He heard Killua's grumble, forgot about ordering his own ice cream and slowly approached the kid.
"Yes?" Killua suspiciously threw a side glance at the man dressed up in robes that one would expect to find at the museum, in those glass exhibits, not on the curators. Of all bench parks the man with the weird clothes could have sat at, when he chose the same one as Killua, there were ulterior motives at play.
Yomi put on his most benign smile and said, in his most fatherly way, "How are you today, my son?"
"Er….good." Killua scratched his cheek and appraised the man with healthy amounts of consternation. "And you are…?"
"My son, I am the saviour, your lawd Geezus Krist."
"Sure you are," Killua said slowly, as one would to the mentally insane.
"I have come down to the mortal realm to offer you my love and comfort!"
Killua leapt off the bench in alarm, as if the bench had become so hot that it had burnt his bottom. To Killua however, the reaction was necessary, for when an older man declared love for younger children, the image of Hisoka resurfaced in his mind, coupled with the incident back in Greed Island wherein the magician's distressing behaviour and his tendency to stalk left him shivering.
"Goodbye, let's not see each other later," he said quickly and stalked off, hoping to put in as much space between himself and the pedophile as possible before the older man realized what was happening and gave chase!
"My son," the looney called behind him. "I don't mean that kind of love. I meant fatherly love, the love of family and the comfort of belonging!"
Killua stopped and he relaxed somewhat.
"Come again?"
"I am the all knowing Krist, and I know you, Killua Zoldick, lack the affection and love from a family as what every child should expect. I've sensed your pain and have manifested on the earthly realm to be your friend."
Killua snorted and crunched, in a near menacing fashion, on the waffle cone. "Cut the crap. You've been doing your research on my background. Now what the hell do you want? My mother wouldn't trust a deluded freak like you to bring me home, and you don't seem so terribly dangerous. So why'd you dig into my history?"
Yomi strained his muscles to the limits to pull off the ultra benign smile. "To offer you salvation, my son, to save you from pain and desolation. My love will give to you the things that are missing in your life."
An arching eyebrow was never a good sign. Yomi felt the stirrings of ill from the pit of his (injured, and still aching) stomach and fought to keep that smile from dropping into a line of depression.
"Ok, no one ever goes around offering something without asking or expecting something in return. Suppose for one ludicrous moment that I have all these insecurities, what do I have to do?"
Yomi came to realize what the words "practical and impudent" truly stood for in Killua's profile. Who would have thought that a twelve-year-old boy knew the harsh realities of bargain and barter, or more simply put – nothing in this world was ever free? The trick in this case however, was to make it sound like the target got a lot without having to do much, or that whatever he had to give, it should be a transaction of good will, not a reluctant payment.
"You just have to pray to me, and accept I, Lawd Geezus Krist, as your saviour, harp on to your friends about me with every opportunity that you can get – you can call it 'sharing' if anyone ever objects to the pushy nature – and you shall have the company and love that has always been lacking in your life. I will be the father you never had and the brother you should have had and the grandfather – "
"Whoah, hold it right there!" Killua interrupted severely. "How can you be my father, brother and grandpa at the same time?"
Yomi could almost taste the bile and vomit in his mouth. "Because I bear infinite love for humanity – "
"More like you are a vending machine." Killua allowed himself to be distracted and turned his head towards the busy road to check how much progress Gon had made with the granny. They were on the other side now of the street now, and Gon had to wait for the green man to cross back, because jay walking was against his moral fibre. He caught Killua watching him and vigorously waved.
Killua turned back to Yomi. The child's eyelids were lowered in boredom he blew a sigh of exasperation in Yomi's face. "You look confused. I suppose I have enough time to explain why." Killua crossed is arms and looked totally business with no room for tomfoolery that was befitting of his age. "It's because you're just so convenient and have all the answers to all our fears and problems that actually makes you more unbelievable than you already are. Need love? Give me your soul! Need a father figure? Give me your soul! Need someone to soothe your guilty conscience? Give me your soul! Feel lonely and need a friend? Give me your soul! You have any problem whatsoever and I will say anything to make you feel better! There's no universal solution like that, and I don't intend to waste my life living in a fool's ignorant paradise "
"Well, now that you put it that way…" Yomi mumbled, feeling himself nod appreciatively. But he snapped out of it and resumed his authoritative posturing. After all, he was an adult, and what was the world coming to when an adult agreed with the childish opinions of a streetwise kid who had some smarts? Surely, if he, the grand-Bastard of Gawd held himself out to be fact instead of 'just another belief' and the whole YOUTM methodology, then Killua would eventually submit to his ideology.
"You have to believe in the almighty grace, that I, Geezus, the sinless, could came to earth and be stapled to the T for humanity's sins because of my overwhelming love for you, then you really can find whatever you need in me. Cold empty nights will now be warm. The darkness in your life will be lifted and you shall bask in the light and glory of my love. Whatever guilt you are troubled with I will shoulder for you. Aren't I so great?"
Killua could only give a disdainful chuckle and regarded Yomi with a sinister light of victory in his eyes. "My father told me to beware of anything that's too good to be true, especially those who say they've never done anything wrong in their life. It smacks of severe delusion. And honestly, I love and respect my dad heaps, my grandpa too, so I don't think I have any more room for your overwhelming love. As for your fabulous greatness to shoulder my troubles, it might be more than you can handle."
"That's what the other guy back at the mall also said," Yomi muttered to himself, frowning in dread, but that thought was quickly pushed to one side and he said aloud to the child, "But you still have a dysfunctional family. I will give you everything else that you lack – "
"You really don't get it, do you?" Killua asked him. His voice held a puzzlement that was very real and a smugness that made Yomi sound foolish for not understanding something that was incredibly simple. "Life is not meant to be perfect. Do you know how bored I'll be if you can make me believe that you can give me everything by telling me things I want to hear? That means I don't have to work it or train for it. Don't you believe in good old fashioned hard work?"
"But that's the beauty of my love and my grandfather's embrace! It is a love generously given and you need not feel lonely or lost ever again by simply believing that my grandfather is the lawd of us all and worship him, follow our instructions and brand all your unbelieving friends as immoral and disrespectful cretins because you've lost your ability to think for yourself! How can you turn this gift down and make yourself laboriously work for love with no guarantee that your efforts will be reciprocated? Why do you chose the backbreaking toils of this world to get the few measly returns when paradise welcomes you if you just believe?" Yomi asked passionately, but deep inside, he suffered a draught of nostalgia as he got the premonition that he was about to enact his scene with Kurapika all over again. Only Killua was an…let's see here…ex assassin who still displayed all too frequent tendencies of cold-blooded mercilessness towards people who generally pissed him off. It would be no different to asking a cow to fly over the moon as it would to hope that Killua would show Krist the same grace and civility as the Kuruta.
There was satisfaction and mocking in Killua's expression. "Because I don't seek paradise. If there are no scumbags to kill, idiots to mock, people in need of a strong hand and no hard problems to tear our hair out and find a solution for, what's there for me to do?"
"But a splendid life of peace and comfort and – "
"I want to be like Gon. I want to live a life of excitement and adventure, of danger, sudden death and the thrill of the chase . Unless you're volunteering to be the prey, in which case, I can count to ten and give you a good head start."
Yomi really didn't feel like arguing. Even though the child was but a child with his childish emotions, he had an alarming insight parallel in depth and breadth to a wizened adult. There were no petty, naive dreams wanting the world to be fair and wanting "everything going right." There was need to be consoled and be told that things were crap in your life because it was meant to be that way for the inscrutable reasons of a divine being who you may or may not feel. There was the strength and courage to accept that things in life were crap and no one can do anything about it so shut up, stop complaining or get professional help.
Yet surely, all humans must hanker for someone to give them the perfect world and soothe their hurts and be told that the world didn't mindlessly wound them with circumstance and bad luck just because it had a sadistic sense of humour. Could the cynic prevail over the dreamer? Or was the dreamer merely a parasite in the mind that could dominate, and one day control, the mind by feeding it promises of plenty? And the giver of the promises could then have all the parasites eating out of his hand, and he could laugh, a chilling and malicious laugh, at the power he had accumulated merely by pampering the parasite that most people with sense should keep lean. He had to try. He had to know. He had to see how many 'you's' he could fit into one speech.
"You suffered anguish as a child. You were a defenceless little boy thrown to the wolves of a family that does not understand humanity. You've been hurt, poor thing, taught to kill and forced your hands to be washed in blood when you need love and you need to be sheltered from the savage storms of the world. Don't you want me to deal with this pain for you?"
"Geezus, are you trying to drown me in sap? Who do you take me for, a weakling in need of pity?"
"Asking for pity is not the act of a coward." Personally, Yomi had a lot of things to say about that and would strangle Shura if he ever caught him saying it. "I want to ease your pain, my son, and help you accept me as your saviour."
Killua looked offended. "Are you saying that I can't ease my pain on my own, using my own methods that I discover?"
"That's not what I mean." Yomi resisted an urge to grunt and swear, stamp his foot and jump up and down like a Azile had just dumped a colony of bull ants into his underwear. Nasty, cocky brat. "I mean to say that you have unjustly suffered, and my lawd grandfather is just and righteous and he will accept his stray lambs – "
"Look, I don't think you have anything to offer that I want. Even though I don't like my mum and Milluki is an annoying pig, I wouldn't be kickass and powerful without their nagging. If I slacked off as much as I would have liked to when I was a kid, I would still be struggling with nen. And yes, being shocked by a million volts of electricity does hurt, and maybe doubly so if your mum is laughing maniacally when she's poking you with the electric prods herself, but really, there was no other way to learn that technique. If you want to be the best, you've got to train harder than the rest. The skills I've acquired outweigh the shit I went through in my childhood. I really don't feel like complaining."
Had it been Shura who had uttered those words, Yomi would have turned himself inside out in pride, sobbed like a woman and crushed his son in a suffocating hug to test whether Shura could pry himself out of it. Even now, hot tears of pride threatened to well in his eyes and his voice wavered at first. He had to take in a few deep breaths to steady himself and press on with the script.
"You shouldn't have had to suffer for nen," he tried to sound as persuasive as possible, even if every fibre of his being was shrieking at him, yelling "traitor!" in all six of his eardrums because life in Makai had taught him the exact opposite. "Give up your nen. Gawd is almighty, and he is your defender and protector and only he shall have this power. You hurt yourself daily to learn Loosifer's corrupt power of nen, and gawd will not allow that, for only he can protect you from the world's evils and the Holey Spewrat that he sends will work miracles – ok. I give up. What's so damn funny about THIS speech?!"
"You want me to voluntarily disarm after I've invested so damn much of time into nen and attracted all these psychopaths in my adventures, then rely on some rat, whose abilities I can't bring myself to trust because I've never seen him in action, to stand between me and my enemies?"
"The Holey Spewrat is the earthly manifestation of my grandfather's almighty and kickass powers. Trust me, the Spewrat can fight your battles for you, cure any sickness and disease, give you a room full of gold and buy you whatever toys you so desire."
Killua absentmindedly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and then rubbed the back of his hand against his shorts to remove the sticky, clingy sensations. He didn't really trust a Spewrat to stand between him and Hisoka. In fact, if he didn't know any better, he would stake his entire Zoldick fortune that this Holey Spewrat would put the tail between his legs and run if Hisoka were ever charging right towards him with homicidal bloodlust raging like golden flames in his eyes. So much for receiving protection. What was the Spewrat going to do anyway? Spew partially digested smelly cheese all over Hisoka then kick him in the nuts when the clown was gagging over the stench and cringing at the slime?
Never rely on anyone, his dad and brother always said – best to trust your own skills and fight your own battles. That is the path of the honourable man. Truth was, why feel helpless when you were gifted with extraordinary abilities? Why rely on others for defence when you can construct your own fortifications? Why deprive yourself of the adrenaline rush by getting someone to fight these lunatics for you?
And so Killua told Yomi what just went through his mind, only to be condemned.
"That's very selfish of you," Yomi accused, reading his Finger of AccusationTM. "I was stapled to the T for all your sins, and need I remind you, I am shouldering a lot of your sins here. Of the many people in this world, you are quite sinful and you need to be redeemed and for someone to die for those sins, and that someone was me, and being stapled to the T took a long time to die. Now I only ask that you give up your nen and have a bit of faith in the Spewrat, and you can't even do that for me?!"
Killua snorted with contempt equal to the denunciation and pulled it off with more style than Yomi. Not that you could blame Yomi however, as arranging expressions on a rubber mask, though tight on your face, still took more effort than he had the energy for.
A glint of icy coldness seeped into Killua's eyes. Whilst he had promised to stop his assassin's ways, he never felt he was wrong or had been a bad boy in the 'you're not a goody-goody' sense. All that had happened to incite the changes in his attitude was his shift from his old world to Gon's world, where you could get buy without ramming a knife into someone's skull if they didn't let you have your way. He never attempted to attribute any moral reason for his transition – he merely did it because he wanted to, and pity the idiot who tried to make him feel bad for being the best of all assassins.
His agreeable, though somewhat exasperated tone, hardened. "You never asked me if I wanted you to be stapled for my sins or not. You don't even know if I think sinners need to die or be redeemed or not. Did it ever occur to you that I might not be the spineless coward you perceive me to be and that I would have the balls to fess up to my own bad behaviour and live with it? Here, Geezus, sit down with me whilst my friend Gon now goes to help a grandpa cross the road and I'll give you a piece of my mind."
Yomi felt that this was a rhetorical invitation, as in if he didn't want his private parts ripped off, he'd better agree. Both of them returned to the bench that they had previously sat on, Yomi now the attentive listener with his hands folded in his lap to suppress the trembling and Killua in charge of the conversation.
"Now Geezus, do you understand why you were stapled to the T and not Barney?"
"The purple dinosaur?"
Killua rolled his eyes. "No, the butcher who sold bad ham and got a dozen people killed with salmonella, stupid. Do you know why the people wanted Barney to be freed from the fate of being stapled instead of you?"
"Because he's a cute purple prehistoric creature – I mean – they were sinners who didn't realize their sin and needed to be redeemed. My self sacrifice for the salvation of their souls would reveal to them this truth," Yomi quoted word for word from the script. There wasn't much conviction left now, he had been drained by the day's events.
The younger boy humphed cruelly, in ways which reminded Yomi of Azile, as it was capable of stirring the small hairs on his arms.
"Ah, the snobbery of the immortal elite," Killua sighed, leaning back on the bench. "The people don't know any better, they're idiots filled up to their eyeballs in sin – I suppose that's what you're trying to say. Well, hate to tell you, Krist, but maybe it's exactly because you keep on trying to smother us with our sins and trying to make us feel bad about ourselves and the things we do that the people wanted you to die. And maybe it's because you are like the irritating hawker trying to offer us products that are cheap, worthless, and when purchased, fall apart the second day, that people wanted you out of their lives. And so between you and Barney, people had no qualms kicking you out of the way instead of the human and faulty Barney who just bought a batch of bad ham. You were waving your yardstick and doing all this judging presumably because you had a lot of time on your hands and you thought you were better than everyone else when in fact your manipulations and terrorizing made you worse than the dogs.
"I mean, no human was created perfect, so why choke us with the fact and then frighten us if we can't live up to your impossible standards of perfection that can only be attained by massive denial? Oh! I see, that's the only way to get us grovelling at your feet, begging for your help to save us from the damning fires of hell because of who we are. And then I suppose your followers, who do this judging work for you, get this amazing ego rush because they're comparing their saintly selves to people who they believe, in their mind, are so sinful they are worse than animals. Is this it? Is this how you propose to make my life better? By giving me a bogus right to snob and degrade other people based on your despotic and bigoted belief system?
"Well, excuse me if I turn away from your offer of paradise. I will walk this world, up and down, sideways and diagonal even, and go through one experience after another, without having some artificial safety net that gawd is always there to be my friend. I find real love and real friendship to be more satisfying than imagined love. I'm pretty sure I can come up with an infinitely more interesting character with a bag full more of personality using my imagination instead if I do ever need an imaginary friend, pathetic as I will be by then.
"So carry on and glorify yourself as the martyr for human perfection, but now and then, when you're alone with your own thoughts, play with the idea that maybe, just maybe, people wanted you dead so that they could carry on their lives without someone trying to whip their version of morality and good conduct into them or exploit their emotional vulnerabilities."
Yomi likewise slouched into the bench and kicked his feet out in front of him, behaving in a very un-Geezus like manner. "If only my son had half your brains, I wouldn't have so many wrinkles. But tell me, Killua, what would ever happen if you fell into an abyss so dark and so bottomless and you have no one to turn to and your spirit is crushed? Will you then not turn to the solace and comfort that I offer?"
Killua's laughter was clearer than any silver bell. "One, I would never allow myself to reach such a state, and two, if someone reduced my life such that there was nothing but warm revenge, then that someone better start turning to the paranormal spewing rat for aid because a man who's got nothing to lose is the most dangerous of them all. And after revenge, who knows? Do things that will make me feel better! Laugh and live another day! Make new goals for myself to achieve! Ah, what rhetoric! I'm sure Gon would be pleased to hear me say that."
"I like your way of thinking!" Yomi gushed as well. He slapped Killua on the back with more force than intended, but the child managed a weak grin after spluttering up half his ice-cream that then dribbled down his chin and ruined the front of his shirt with yellow stains. "You know kid, I never wanted to do this gig anyway. You guys just weren't made of the right stuff for Kristianity and couldn't be bought with Geezus' love and whatever else I need to pull out of my bag in order to tempt you into selling your soul to me because you guys have way too much dignity. In fact, that's all I've been doing all morning – bribing you, showering you with gifts to become your friend. True friendships aren't bought and sold like that – it's actually disgusting and repugnant, and I feel like I've just spent the past few hours crawling through a tunnel of raw sewage. I'm going to go home and take a really long shower that will involve lots of scrubbing with some steel wool and gallons of methylated spirits after this. Then, if I still can't sleep at night because my conscience is tormenting me for pulling out such a bastardly act today, I'm going to get myself one of those flashy-thingies from MIB and purge any memories from today. I'll get going soon as I repeat the script for your friend, Gon."
"Go for it. You won't succeed."
Yomi glumly resumed his slouched position. "I know. But your friend won't….physically attack me or anything, will he?"
"Gon's nice. He'll probably try to offer you his kind of salvation instead."
Yomi palmed his forehead and stood up. "Being a Grand-bastard is harder than it looks," he grumbled, standing up as Gon skipped towards them. "And I'm glad I'm doing a piss poor job at it too."