Hentai Ryou

By Vada via cretino

Thanks for the reviews, people! I'm currently working on two stories at once, so to make things slightly easier for me, I'll alternate which story I update. Unless I get sudden inspiration or something, though that never happens.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. If I did, do you think I'd be wasting my time writing fan fics? Of course not. I'd be busy making episodes filled with Yaoi and making Yami shirtless in every one. ^_^

Warnings: Yaoi. My weird 'sense of humour'. Perverted and sarcastic Ryou. Swearing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~* - Change of time and/or scene.

//Blah.// - Yami to Hikari through their link.

/Blah./ - Hikari to Yami through their link.

"Blah" – Speech.

'Blah' – Thinking.

****************************************************************************************

Chapter 2 – Do you think I'm sexy?

Normal POV

"I don't want to go to school today, Daddy, I want to stay home and bake cookies with you…"

Bakura, who was currently knelt next to a waking-up and slightly dazed Ryou, raised an eyebrow.

"What in Ra's name are you on about, hikari?!"

Feeling frustrated and guilty, though he'd never ever admit this to anyone, Bakura shook Ryou's shoulders in order to wake him up fully.

"Wake up weakling hikari, dearest!" He said in a singsong voice dripping with sarcasm.

Ryou stirred slightly and his eyes fluttered open. Blinking and looking around, Ryou's eyes, which had landed on a very annoyed-looking Bakura with a knife still in his hand, widened considerably. Before Bakura knew what hit him, Ryou let out a very loud, high-pitched scream.

Ryou's POV

Oh my God! Oh my God! He's going to kill me! Where's a Pharaoh when you need one?! At least he's temporarily deafened by my extremely manly war cry… I should make my tactful and extremely non-weakling-like escape now.

I get up and run, though my head hurts like hell. I bet that when I had that sudden dizzy spell – don't you just hate it when they creep up on you like that? – I fell and hit my head on the floor. Bakura, being the extra nice Yami that he is, had probably just let me fall.

Where am I going to go? If I stay in the house he'll probably cut me in to a million pieces. If I run away I'll have to come back, and I'll still end up getting cut in to a million pieces. Decisions, decisions…

"Oh Ryouuuu. Where are you my precious little aibou?"

I shuddered at his tone. He's enjoying this. Damn him. Why couldn't I have been given a moderately sane Yami? I love him and all, sure, but he could at least try not to kill people and could show a little compassion every now and again. Then again, my idea of compassion is him sticking his tongue down my throat. I rolled my eyes at myself. I really need to get out more.

Speaking of getting out. I'm trapped. Why, oh why, did I run into the kitchen?! The exit is at the other end of the house! Plus, the kitchen is full of more knives and other sharp things! Shit!

At this point I'm reduced to a shaking, curled up ball on the floor. All coherent thought gone, and the only thought going through my mind right was, 'I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.' You get the picture.

\\Silly hikari! I'm not going to kill you!\\

Ugh, even in my mind he sounded amused. But…he wasn't going to kill me? Then why did he have a knife in his hands?

\\To scare you out of your mind.\\ Came the smart reply.

\I hope the Pharaoh kills you slowly and painfully!\ I yelled back.

I'm probably the most stupidest person in the world. Is stupidest even a word?! Aw hell, I don't care. I know a 16-year-old shouldn't think things like this, but… I want my Daddy!

I look up from my knees – I'm crouching in a defensive position, okay?! –  to see Bakura standing in the doorway with a sexy, sadistic smirk on his face. I'll bet I look really pathetic right now. Then again, I'm guessing I always look pathetic to Bakura. Not that I care. Okay, that's a lie. I do care. But I'm not going to let him know that.

"Now, now, hikari dearest. That wasn't a very nice thing to say, was it?"

I raise an eyebrow in disbelief. Hai, I know he was being sarcastic, but hearing those words coming from him…

It just…wasn't…right.

"Shut up." I mumbled. I was in no mood for him. Having a headache from fainting and hitting my head on the floor, due to being scared out of your mind by a sexy yet extremely scary psychopath tends to do that to you.

"Now that definitely wasn't nice." He growled.

I just give him a 'does-it-look-like-I-care?' sort of look. Though I know I'm in for it big time. He doesn't like it when I'm all polite and nice, which is pretty much my personality, but when I talk back at him, well, let's just say I'd rather be under the wrath of Yami Malik.

"Stupid hikari. You're not good for anything. All you do is cause me trouble. And I'm not even allowed to kill people?! What am I supposed to do around here?"

I got up and shot him an incredulous look. "I cause you trouble?! Well excuse me Mr. 'I'm so tough and cool' but I'll have you know I have saved your ass on many occasions!"

"You?! Save my ass?!" He snorted.

Yes, Yami, your very, very nice ass.

"Remember when you threw a Hamburger at the Chef in McDonald's screaming about the fact they were trying to poison you?" (1)

"They were! That shit is awful!"

"I had to flirt with him so he wouldn't press charges!" I shuddered. He was fat and bald and covered in grease…ugh.

He growled. "I don't appreciate you selling your body to get what you want. I could've just sent him to the Shadow Realm."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. My body, in my opinion, was his and his only.

"Remember when you 'accidentally' tripped Yugi up at the arcade and his Yami was going to send you to the Shadow Realm?"

"Hai, demo–"

"Or when you put super glue on Yami's chair, and when he sat down he was stuck for hours?" I interrupted with a slight giggle.

He smirked at the memory. "You made me go see the Pharaoh no Baka and his stupid brat. I figured I might as well have some fun."

"Bakura!" I scolded. "Yami and Yugi are nice people!"

My Yami laughed in that sexy, insane way of his and shook his head. "Yami is an over-protective baka and Yugi is a weak little twirp."

I rolled my eyes at him, trying hard not to laugh. "Anyway… as I was saying, if it weren't for me, you'd be in the Shadow Realm right now!"

"Only because you and the brat gave the Pharaoh no Baka 'the look'." He snorted. "Besides, I could've kicked his ass easy."

I know I shouldn't…but the idea of him ever defeating Yugi's Yami was hilarious! I burst into laughter.

"Yeah right!"

He growled and stuck his nose in the air. "Could, too."

I walked up to him and patted his shoulder, as if to comfort him. "And I think Weevil Underwood is the sexiest person alive."

He wrinkled his nose in disgust and shot me a murderous glare. I smiled sweetly at him and walked past him and into the Living Room to watch T.V.

Bakura came in shortly and I looked up at him, to see with him a thoughtful expression on his face. I shrugged and focused my attention back to the T.V.

"Ryou?"

"Hmm?" I answered absently.

"Do you think Weevil is the sexiest person alive?"

I was so shocked and disgusted I almost fell of the couch. How could he even consider that for one second?! Weevil? Sexy? Eww! He has those ugly yellow glasses and that awful green hair, and I'm not even going to go on to the matter of his fashion sense! (2)

He chuckled. "Good. For a second there I thought you were insane."

I raised an eyebrow. "Even if I was, it would be entirely your fault."

He shrugged carelessly. "Just because I like to see people suffer and scream out in pain, it does not mean I'm insane."

"Sure, Yami."

[Insert sarcastic comment here]

I'm scared. He's been staring at me for the past few minutes. What the hell is his problem? Gah…I'm starting to sound like my Yami. Maybe this is what its like for him every time I stare. And I stare a lot. And that's an understatement. Stop staring at me, dammit!

"Ryou?"

"H-hai?"

He said your name and you can't even answer without sounding pathetic?! ..And now you're shouting at yourself. You need help Ryou.

"Do you think I'm sexy?"

What the...?! Where the hell did that come from?! I'm not answering that. Iie. I refuse to answer it.

"W-what?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I said, do you think I'm sexy?"

"Wouldn't I be incredibly narcissistic if I thought that?"

I'm so clever. Responding to a question with a question. And a very smart question at that. I don't think he even knows what narcissistic means.

"I don't care whether you'd be narcissistic or not. Answer the Ra-damned question!"

I'm doomed! What will do if I say he's not? What will he do if I say he is? Of course I think he is. I mean, you'd have to be completely blind to think otherwise. Or a straight guy. And I'm neither. So, yeah…

"Why do you want to know what I think?" I replied slyly.

If I have to go down, I'm doing down fighting, dammit! …And I really need to stop cussing. I'm the friendly and polite Ryou Bakura. (I've decided to drop the whole honesty thing, it's not really working) If I so much as mention the word damn in front of Yugi, his Yami would have me in the Shadow Realm before you can say 'Ryou…you're stupid.'

"What does that matter? Why the hell won't you answer my question?" He growled.

Hey, he's not supposed to do that! Now I have three more questions to answer! Why does he even care if I think he's sexy or not? Can't he see what kind of position he's putting me in?

Bad Ryou! Naughty Ryou! Can't you keep thoughts like that out of your head for five whole minutes?!

I sigh and look into Yami's smouldering, chocolate-coloured eyes…which are currently narrowed in anger. It was only a simple question. Why is he so mad that I didn't answer it?

"What ever I answer…you won't kill me, right?"

He's laughing at me! It's not funny, dam- dang it!

"Of course not, hikari."

Is he…smiling? Does he already know the answer? His smile is creepy. Or maybe it's just that I've never seen him actually smile before. Smirk, leer, growl etc. sure. But never smile.

"Um…well…" I muttered.

Hey, look at the floor! It's an amazing shade of blue! …What's that stain? I've never noticed that before. Looks like…spaghetti sauce or something? Damn, ack, I mean dang! That's not going to come out…

"Ryou!"

"Huh? Nani?"

Oh yeah. He wanted me to answer, didn't he? Gah…he's looking angry, and…amused? Pfft, he always did have a weird sense of humour.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Well?"

 "Hai." I muttered angrily. "Happy now?!"

He looked at me gleefully and nodded his head. I raised an eyebrow of my own. Why the…heck did he need to know that?

He slapped me on the back. Hard.

"You're not so bad looking yourself, you know, hikari!" He chirped happily.

I just stare at his ass as he walks out of the room. Hey, you should know by now how perverted I am. He's my Yami. I can look at his ass if I want to!

Now I sound like Yami Yugi! Argh!

He turns round and catches me looking at him. Or more specifically his ass. Is he angry?

Iie.

He just smirks, winks at me and continues to walk out of the room, swaying his hips as he does so. He's doing that on purpose! All I want to know is…

What the hell?

****************************************************************************************

Alright! I kind of got stuck in the middle of that. Okay, so I go stuck at the beginning, the middle and the end. But I did it! It didn't actually turned out the way I planned…but oh well! My greatest apologies if it does suck. *Bows humbly* Did I already tell you that I love you all and you're all very, very nice people? Well you are. ^_^ Okies…I'm finished sucking up now. -.-;; Anyway…Please review! Sorry if the swearing was a little extreme. I don't seem that much to me. *Shrugs* You can never be too sure. Review, review, review!

(1) Do they even have McDonald's in Japan? Ah well. They do now! ^_^

(2) Nothing against any Weevil fans out there! If there are any… Does he have a Japanese name or is it just Weevil Underwood? *Shrugs* I'm never going to mention him again so it doesn't really matter!