Hentai Ryou

By Vada via cretino

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Kazuki Takehashi does. I don't make any money out of writing this. And all I have is £3 and some gum I found in my pocket. Still want to sue? Feel free.

Warnings: Yaoi. My weird 'sense of humour'. Perverted and sarcastic Ryou. Swearing.

I decided to thank the people that have reviewed my fanfic. I'm so grateful!

 S. A. Bonasi - I didn't know that about the doll thing, actually. But it definitely sounds like something Yami Bakura would do! And I recently watched the episode in Battle City where Yami Bakura switches with Bakura and takes the attack from Yami. It doesn't show whether he's doing it because he cares, or whether he's just using Bakura because he can't survive without him, but I'm going to be ignorant and decide on the former! Thanks for the reviews. ^_^

Satoshi – It's the same with me. I can be quiet and reserved in front of strangers, but I'm normally a loud-mouthed, irritating cow. But my friends don't seem to mind! A hamburger with egg on it? Ugh. And I've lately heard something that was put on someone's hamburger that definitely was NOT mayonnaise. ; They're gonna sue. I've been put off McDonald's for life.

The Chaotic Ones – Eep! I updated! Don't hurt me! *Hides under the table for safety* Anyways, thanks for reviewing!

darkarc – Arigatou! ^_^ I plan on having lots and lots of torture in my upcoming chapters! For both Ryou and Bakura! *Cackles evilly*

chibi's ^.~ - I appreciate the tip. I plan on using some form of perverse humour sometime during the fic, don't you worry!

Kri Kri – Thanks for reviewing! I hope you enjoy this chapter.

phwee? yami hobo – I don't know if Bakura likes Elmo, but who knows what's going on in the weird mind of his? Not you! *Laughs insanely* Because I won't tell you what he knows just yet, that would be telling. That song is from Electric Six and guess what it's called? Gay Bar. It was stuck in my head and annoyed me to no end. So I used it.

Ranma Higurashi – Hehehe, he can't hide forever! Well, he's gonna try his darndest, but nothing good ever happens to poor Ryou as you're about to find out.

FiRe-AnGeL and Calvin – I appreciate that. Some people have no sense of humour. Well they don't agree with my sense of humour. Okay, so it's mainly my teachers that like to pick on me. So I threw the discus as far as I could and the damn teacher moved out of the way. ;_; I was SO close to hitting her, too!

Celestial Magician – Aww, thanks. Me like fluffy, too. ^_^

chibi_ai – It was cool, wasn't it? And I loved watching the duel against Yami Bakura and Yami. But Yami Bakura was laughing all insane like, it was kinda creepy, but I love him, so I'm willing to overlook that little flaw.

Dark Millenia – Why thanks a bunch! I update as fast as I can without being distracted by my homework. Though I suppose the correct way to put it would be that my writing distracts my homework. Hehe, who cares?

Wolfqueen821 – I'm glad I could distract her for you, Yami-Wolfqueen! And I humbly bow in thanks for reviewing to both of you! *Bows*

Kaial SkyWolf – Thanks for reviewing! I hope there'll be lots more drooling to come. Apologies if that sounded sick and disturbed. :P

VampssAmby10210 – Hehe. I'm glad you like. And I updated! Yay!

Also, thanks to all you other kind people who reviewed my other two chapters. My fingers hurt so much now…

*~*~*~*~*~*~* - Change of time and/or scene.

//Blah.// - Yami to Hikari through their link.

/Blah./ - Hikari to Yami through their link.

"Blah" – Speech.

'Blah' – Thinking.

****************************************************************************************

Chapter 4 – Hippopotamuses

Oh sweet Mary mother of Jesus, what have I gotten myself into? I am never going clothes shopping with Yugi Mutou or his Yami EVER again! I mean, really, is leather all they ever wear?

I look down at myself and then at the load of clothes in the bags at my feet.  They didn't even let me keep the clothes I'd been wearing before we went shopping. They insisted this look suited me much better. Well in my opinion, faded jeans and a sweater suit me just fine, thank you very much. I don't think black is really my colour. I groan for about the millionth time that day while I wait for the taxi to arrive. People that walk past me are giving me suggestive looks. I'm really, truly scared now.

You may think I'm some sort of wimp, but when a fat lady caked in make-up winks at you and wiggles her behind to appear sexy, you'd be scared for your life, too.

What do they think I am, some sort of street hooker? Then again, I am dressed quite like one. But that's beside the point. I have the look a rabbit would have when a fox has cornered it and there's no way out. I think hookers have more of an 'I'm sexy come and – excuse my language - fuck me' sort of look on their faces.

STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU UGLY WHORE!

Breathe Ryou. You're okay. You can get through this. The taxi is due to arrive…5 bloody minutes ago!

But that's fine. Taxis can sometimes arrive late. It doesn't mean you're going to die or anything.

…Maybe just get jumped on by something that highly resembles a hippopotamus.

Ugh. I'm feeling really uncomfortable now. And more so than just the sense of fearing for my life. I mean, it's like having a second skin, that's how tight these blasted leather pants are. And you can see my stomach for Kami's sake! Surely the point of wearing a t-shirt is to actually cover up skin. Then again, this definitely isn't a t-shirt. Hell, I didn't know what it is. I've never worn anything like it in my life. It looks as if it's a size too small and you can see my stomach for Kami's sake!

It's only your stomach. Just calm down, Ryou. When you get home you'll be away from prying eyes and in the company of your Yami. Then again, he won't be happy. He'll say I'm selling my body or some such crap.

…Shouldn't that lady have gone home by now? She's been standing outside that shop window and pretending to be interested in assorted cheeses for the past ten minutes. How naïve and stupid does she think I am? And to be honest, would someone completely naïve be wearing what I am? I think not!

I sigh weakly and glance at myself in the shiny metal of a parked car. My eyes widen in horror as I see a familiar figure standing behind me in the reflection. I was hoping to get home before anyone I knew saw me! Dear Kami, this is embarrassing!

 "Ryou?! No way! It can't be you!"

The blond eyed me up from behind and I whirled round in shock

"Don't stare at my ass!" I cried.

"Why not?" He purred. "It's a very, very nice ass. And I really didn't expect you to be going around wearing clothes like that, but they definitely suit you."

I felt myself going red and I glared at him. "I don't normally go round wearing things like this! Yugi and Yami decided to be charitable and take me clothes shopping!" I yelled. "They tried to make me buy a collar as well, but I don't like looking like a dog. No way, there was no way in hell they were going to get me tagged up like a mutt!" I drew in a much needed, shaky breath due to my outburst.

All Malik did was raise an eyebrow at me and shake his head. "Ryou, Ryou. You seem to be a little worked up, my friend."

I bristled. "You think?! How would you feel if you had to stand here wearing hardly anything and get eyed up by fat, wrinkly hippopotamuses!"

Yet again, Malik raised an eyebrow. Though this time he looked at me as if I had gone insane. I mentally snorted. That's rich, he's the one insane. Not me.

"I don't know whether you've noticed or not my dear Ryou-chan, but I am wearing similar clothes to you." He smirked as he looked up and down me again. "And due to my extreme good looks, I too get eyed up by 'fat, wrinkly hippopotamuses', as you put it."

That's true. No, no, about him wearing those clothes! Though I suppose he is kind of sexy. But nowhere near as sexy as my gorgeous Yami. I snorted at him.

"Yes, but you choose to wear things like…that!" I argued, indicating his clothing with a hand.

"But you've got to admit, I like great in them, don't I?" He leered.

Before I got chance to yell at him again, which I really wanted to, Malik spoke again. 

"What did you mean by them being charitable? Why would you want to go clothes shopping with them anyway?"

Uh oh. I didn't plan on telling him about that. That was why I'd gone shopping with Yugi and Yami, so no one else actually knew. Ack. I'm such a baka. It's not as if I can't go shopping on my own. I just needed some…advice. Not a new wardrobe!

Hmm. I really should be voicing this out loud, shouldn't I?

"Ano…well…I sort of had a little problem, and Yugi seemed the right person to ask." I mumbled quietly.

Please don't ask any more. I don't need him finding out, too. I know Yugi and Yami can keep secrets, but Malik? No way! And he'll tell his Yami, and they're both his friends. I'm doomed! Nothing ever goes right for me.

"What little problem?" He asked.

"Nothing. They didn't help me that much anyway. All they helped me to do was waste my allowance on clothes I don't plan on wearing ever again." I muttered quickly.

"Well since you spent money on all those clothes, it would be a shame not to wear them. You really do look good in them, Ryou. And if I weren't currently involved with someone I'd have jumped you by now." He said with a seductive wink.

I felt myself blushing again. He definitely is a smooth talker, I'll give him that. But he's involved with someone? Since when? Oh! I'll bet I know who it is. They do suit each other, though. Since both of them are totally insane.

"Your Yami?"

He nodded and for some reason looked at me suspiciously. "What about you, Ryou?"

I blinked. "Nani?"

Malik snorted and rolled his eyes. "Don't play dumb with me. What about your Yami? Yugi and the Pharaoh are together." He stopped a moment to make gagging noises. "I'm with my Yami. Are you interested in yours at all? It would make sense, what with you asking for help from Yugi and all." He asked with a smirk.

Crap!

"What are you talking about? Why would I be interested in my Yami?"

I must say, I am definitely impressed with my own acting skills. I didn't even blush, either. Maybe I'm all blushed out from the many times Bakura decided it would be fun to use me as a pillow.

Malik eyed me suspiciously and I just stared blankly back.

My eyes widened in horror and shock. And for a second, I think Malik thought he'd somehow gotten me to confess. He then realized I was staring past him and at the huge creature making her way towards me. Or maybe past me? I hope to all that is good and holy that it's the latter.

Is the ground shaking? Oh. It's just me. But it wouldn't surprise me if the ground were shaking. It's enormous! No, no. She's enormous, Ryou. She licks her lips as she approaches and I visibly shudder in disgust. Does she know she's now smudged her ugly orange lipstick and it's now smeared on her chin? Well, one of them anyway.

I sigh with extreme relief as she walks past.

I shriek and jump about three feet in the air. I'm not turning round. No. No way. No fucking way. I'm just going to stand here and wait for…MY TAXI! Thank you, Kami-sama, I am eternally grateful!

Malik stares at me as I pick up my bags and raises an eyebrow yet again in a silent question. I just shake my head and mutter, "Ja ne, Malik," before quickly scrambling into my taxi and ordering the driver to take me home.

I breathe deeply and try to calm myself down. I'm going to have nightmares about huge hippopotamuses for the rest of my life.

Why is the driver staring at me through the rear-view mirror like that? Have I suddenly sprouted another head or something? Oh well. It's not like I'll ever see him again. The reason for that being I'm never stepping foot out of the house once I get home.

I can live off of ordered pizza and Chinese for the rest of my life. Bakura can take up the job of being a hired assassin or something. He's good at killing people. Or maybe he can just steal to earn money? He never seems to get caught, and he does steal some pretty neat stuff. And there's always the money my Dad sends us. He's rarely home so he'll never notice the fact I never leave the house.

To be honest I don't care how I live, as long as I never have to see another huge hippopotamus ever, ever again.

The driver stops and I pay him. He keeps looking at me strangely. Ugh. And his eyes keep leaving my face to…

Oh.

He's checking me out. Well that's just bloody fine and dandy, isn't it?

I quickly scramble out, which is quite hard with shopping bags full of leather pants and small pieces of material that are supposedly clothing people actually wear, in both hands.

I ran to the door and tried to open it, only to be stopped by the blasted bags in my hands. Cursing in frustration I dropped the bags and finally managed to open the door. I could have cried in joy when I ran into the house and slammed the door shut, throwing the bags to the ground.

The slamming of the door had caught Bakura's attention and he appeared from the kitchen seconds later. His eyes widened, but I barely noticed. I flung myself at him and he stumbled, preventing us from falling.

"Hikari? What th-"

"SHE GRABBED MY ASS!" I cried in horror and frustration.

I didn't care that I'd flung myself at him. I was trying extremely hard to attack him further by kissing him breathless, though, which is no easy task, believe me. I was merely glad to be safe in my own home, away from the stares of all the people…and hippopotamuses. I'd be especially happy if I got out of these – if they could be called that – clothes.

"She what?!" He growled. "And who exactly are you talking about? Show me who and I'll send that bitch to the Shadow Realm!"

As flattered as I am, there is no way in hell he's getting me to set foot out of this house ever again!

"No, no, no! I'm never going out there again! You can't make me! I can live on ordered food and you can get a job as an assassin, or you can steal things, well, more things. And-"

"Ryou, what the hell are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath and looked into Bakura's chocolate-coloured eyes. He looked annoyed and…red?

I blinked. "Bakura? Why is your face all red?"

He opened his mouth and shut it again. He didn't know what to say? Well, that's a first. He let me go and took a step back, looking extremely embarrassed. I tilted my head to the side in confusion. It was then I realized what he was wearing.

"Ryou…" He growled.

My eyes widened and my mouth fell open.

"What the hell are you wearing?!" We said in unison.

He looked down at his feet and blushed. Aww! That is so cute. Weird, frightening and very, very wrong…but cute. But the fact he was wearing a light blue apron with white frilly things along the edges over his leather pants – though not as tight fitting as mine – and his black wife beater made it even more terrifying.

His head snapped up and he glared at me. Oops? It wasn't as scary as normal due to his very strange outfit, but I was fearful none the less.

"Why are you dressed up like some sort of prostitute?" He snapped. "No hikari of mine is going around dressed like that!"

He can't tell me what to wear! I don't care if I feel half naked and uncomfortable in these clothes, I'm going to wear them out of spite! 

I glare right back. "I'll wear what I bloody well want! You can't control me and tell me what to do! I'm my own person, Bakura. If I want to go round looking like some kind of whore then I will do! But the hippopotamus thought I looked nice. Hell, so did Malik. So if you'll kindly excuse me. I think I'll go do my homework now."

I turned round to storm up to my room in a dignified manner before a hand on my arm stopped me.

I sighed, hoping it sounded like I was mad. Well, I was slightly angry. But it's not his fault if he's a bit possessive of his things. And yes, I definitely was his. If only he knew that.

"Ryou? I-I"

Yes, say it. Say it! I know you want to!

"I'm sorry."

Aw, nutbunnies. He was supposed to say, 'I love you.' Hmm. I'm definitely going to have to do something about that. Well he did say he was sorry. That amounts to something. I don't think I've ever heard him say those words.

I smiled brightly and hugged him. I'm guessing he didn't expect it because he sort of just stood there at first. Eventually he hugged be back awkwardly.

"Yami? Have you ever actually been hugged before?" I asked, trying to hide my disappointment after he stepped back again.

He stood there with a blank look on his face for a while before he answered. "Not that I remember."

Oh. Blank look + Bakura = Thinking.

"It was mainly just sex. None of that lovey dovey crap." He continued with a smirk.

My mouth falls open and it is taking a huge amount of effort to stop my brain imagining Bakura in that apron, and only that apron. It appears I am not all blushed out because the colour red has come back with a vengeance.

He continues to smirk at me so I decide to get revenge. I wonder where he got it anyway. Did he steal it? I don't remember my Father ever buying one. If he did steal it, he's got some explaining to do. It's not so much the stealing, but why would he want an apron in the first place?

I smile innocently back at him and the smirk immediately drops. Damn, is my innocent look a give away? "Yamiiii?"

"Hai?" He asks suspiciously.

"Why are you wearing a frilly apron?"

He crosses his arms over his chest and looks at me calmly. Well that ruins my fun.

"I was cooking and I didn't want to get my clothes all messy. So I went out and bought this. Is that all right with you?" He asked sarcastically.

"I just have a few questions. Number one, why on Earth were you cooking? I'm surprised you didn't burn down the whole house! Number two, you bought it? I don't know why you think the appropriate word is bought, but in Japan we calling that stealing, you know."

He looks down at his feet. I blink as another thought occurred to me.

"Plus, if you were hungry you could have just ordered pizza or something. You always did that before. What's with the sudden desire to become a chef?"

He looked back up, his face slightly flushed.

"I wasn't making food for me." He answered quietly.

"Bakura?" I asked, annoyed. "You weren't burning my things again, were you?"

"What? No! Of course not!" He argued, pouting slightly. "Why would I do that?"

"Well you seemed to enjoy doing it the last time I caught you. And the time before that. And-"

"Okay, okay. I get your point. I didn't do it this time, though." He cut in with a frown.

"Uh…Bakura?" I asked anxiously.

He growled. "What now?!"

"Is black smoke coming from the kitchen a bad thing?"

His eyes widened and he turned and ran into the kitchen. Pretty damned fast, too.

"No!" He shrieked, his voice going higher than I thought possible. "My muffins!"

****************************************************************************************

And I think I'll end it there… Who was Bakura baking the muffins for? And why the hell would Bakura bake muffins in the first place? It shows he obviously can't cook that well. Or maybe Ryou…distracted him? Hehe. Only Bakura knows! *Cackles*

Oh, and thanks to all the reviewers that told me Weevil's Japanese name is Insector Haga. And also those who told me about McDonald's…which I am currently staying away from! *Shudders*

I think I'm going to try and get over my writer's block for my other fic and get cracking with Chapter 3.

Anyways, Please review!