Disclaimer: If you recognise anything, it's not mine.
At TenI can hear white noise white noise white noise all the time now; in my sleep the silence is almost unbearably loud, all screaming static, all end transmission. It doesn't feel like a week no not a whole week I can't stand the fact that the time seemed to slip away so damn fast, when did time start ticking so damn fast? Last night in the bathroom I saw long black hairs in the tub and when I looked at my hands and at my hairbrush the hair was all over.
When was it ever this slow or this fast? A solid knot of panic dread denial fills my head – already too full far too full of horses and lapping water. That water wants my skin, wants to soak my hair and eat my eyes. Sodden bodies. My head's stuffed full of black hair and my skin is melting away.
It's taken forever, this week.
Time lag in my mirror - it's got worse the last few days like I'm beaming my face and hands from across the universe; I don't know how I can stand watching my hand move here then wait the screamingly long semi-second for the reflection to move, I don't know how I really don't know how.
When my mom went away I said have fun, mom, I love you. She said I love you too, but she smiled when she hugged me like maybe I didn't say I love you to her that much anymore.
I can see an eye for an eye for an eye. I can see you EYE can see you through the screen. I can see rings everywhere; I can hear static and birds screaming. There isn't one damn face left in my scrapbook.
Every day is longer than the day before. A table and a glass of water made me scream yesterday; yesterday I saw a goat limping in my dream and in my dream my hands were rotting and I broke its neck like it was nothing, like it was a pencil. The rain sounds like white noise. It's getting louder.
Her hair falls right over her face for just a second. It's long enough though that my heart skips and in the flooding blood in my brain (just for this moment) there isn't room for anything else, and it feels like afterimages of round glistening glowing black black eyes. I've been living with them so long it's like EYE has eaten I. Eye'm smiling back at her, little light-up staticky screen saying wy dnt I cm 2 yr plce?? 2 lonsum 4 u 2 b alon 2nite!!!!
Eye say yes. Becca your o's are staring at me – like a shrieking and a bird sound eye can't remember not being able to hear all the time, not anymore anyway.
Scared. Relieved. Numb? I don't think it's possible to be numb with all those little wriggling things bloating behind my eyes and under my skin. It's got so I can't wait to be numb. It's got so I'm running up the stairs to my door, fumbling with my key in the (circular) lock and laughing with Becca like all the time, like not a damn thing's wrong.
It's got so the static's screaming and the clock ticks round and round all the seconds counting down to ten.
And I'm feeling fine.