Cold hit him like a ton of bricks. No blankets were covering him and
cold air was hanging around his body. Sitting up lazily, he reached over
and faced Sydney, who was twisting and turning with the blankets. She was
sleeping. There was something terrible was bothering her and she was in a
fitful sleep. Her brown hair was pulled away from her face and the sweat-
ridden hair was spread over the worn pillow. She clung to the comforter
and continued to toss in turn, screaming out. She was breathing in uneven
intervals and he was nothing short of worried. He had never seen her like
this and all he wanted was for it to stop. She was in pain, struggling
against herself and calling out in coherent phrases as her body twisted and
turned. But the fact remained that he didn't know whether to wake her or
not.
Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore. He sat up further and leaned over her, touching her shoulder softly. "Sydney." He cooed softly but received no answer. "Sydney." He tried again but again the same. "Syd, c'mon. Wake up. Sydney."
She came alert in a heartbeat. Her eyes were wide with absolute terror and she was gasping rapidly for air. Her body was perfectly straight and the blanket was clutched to her chest. Her eyes darted around as she tried to get her bearings, no idea where she was. Those dreams were back and they haunted her. She thrashed around slightly, feeling oxygen slowly flow back into her lungs. She was the plane and she was safe but not alone. These dreams were horrible and they were getting more and more indescribable and terrifying. Her honey colored eyes drifted down to her lap and that's when she realized that Vaughn was not three inches from her face, staring at her. "V-Vaughn?" Her raspy voice managed to gasp. She reached out for him. She didn't care about protocol or anything else that mattered in the world. Actually, protocol was no longer a problem. It was that ring on his finger.
He wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to sink into his chest, shaking like a frightened puppy dog. "It was only a dream, Syd."
"I-I don't even..." She hyperventilated.
"It was only a dream." He repeated once more.
"Oh-my-It-It always feels likes-" She curled body closer, trying to feel some security. There were long threads missing from the blanket and bearing the cold air that was about to hit her, she drew her arm from beneath the wool and started to play with the long ridges through it.
Vaughn looked at her with sheer disbelief, "It always feels? How long have you been having these dreams?" He started to stroke the back of her hair softly, trying to get her to calm down. He felt her breathe come in quick bursts, suppressed sobs deep within her.
"Long enough not to be sleeping anymore." She bit down on her lip and squinted her eyes slightly, "I always see what could have been. I see me and Danny on our wedding day.......my mother alive.......me teaching English class......" she swallowed hard, "us together.......our wedding day.......it all feels so real but then something always happens. The next thing I know, I'm bleeding and alone. I see myself die every time I close my eyes. It's horrible." She sat up slightly, just enough to watch his reaction carefully and saw his visibly pained by this.
Vaughn opened his mouth to speak but was stopped when Sydney raised her hand in protest, "Don't say anything. It's just the way things are now. I have to deal with them on my own." She looked away and wished she was alone right now. She couldn't take being in the same area with him right now and it was taking all that she could not to break down. "You know, when I spoke with Kendal, he started telling me about a baby. The child of the woman depicted by Rambaldi and it's already been decided ten times over that I'm that woman, so it would be my child. And for a minute, I had this hope. I thought maybe I had a child. There was a baby that was mine out there and I have never felt so confused in my life. I was terrified that I didn't remember my own child and afraid that she was out there alone but so happy that there might be a little girl or a little boy that was mine." The tears started to come now. "I know it was irrational to think and being in this life, having children wouldn't be a great idea and when we both put two and two together, he told me that there was no baby. There was a part of me that was disappointed. I was actually disappointed that I didn't have a child I never had to begin with."
Her tone changed drastically. Her subconscious started to plead with the greater forces, "Vaughn, something is missing from my life. Not the two years but something else that I just can't even think of. And when he started talking about the child, something in my head clicked. Maybe that was what's missing. Maybe I need someone to love me for whom I am and not care about my past and have no past of their own."
Her tears were like falling diamonds over porcelain. They flowed clear and fast over her skin, causing her eyes to swell and her face to look red and blotchy. But her eyes never left that blanket. She didn't want to see what Vaughn's face looked like or what he was doing. He was probably ignoring her and feigning interest. Men did that. They feigned interest. But when she finally looked up, her body beginning to rack with sobs, she saw tears brimming over in his eyes. "But there is no baby. No baby, Vaughn. And it's just me all over again. And I don't know what to do anymore." Her voice started to plead desperately. "I've never felt like this and I don't know what to do with these emotions." Out of desperation, she ran her hands over her face and tried to push these emotions away. But she couldn't. This was too overwhelming, even for her. She pushed the blankets away from her and tried to put her feet on the ground but found a pair of hands pushing her back down.
"Stop. We need to talk about this. You're not running away from this." He hated seeing her this way. She was broken and he wanted to do something about it. He watched her look at him with 'deer in the headlights look' as he helped her ease back down. "When was the last time you really slept?"
She looked at him with a vacant stare and just knitted her brow together. "I don't know how to be me anymore, Vaughn. Nothing's the same and I don't know what to do anymore. It's all different. I thought this feeling would go away but it just got worse. Everything's so messed up. First it was-"
He opened his arms to her, something he knew he shouldn't have been doing but he did it anyway. She leaned in and cried on his shoulder. She cried until she thought her body would break in two. He stroked the back of her head softly as she collapsed further and landed across his chest. She was so tired just from everything. "We'll get you back to normal soon. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Just close your eyes. Try to get some sleep. Shh....shh...." He watched her collapse down into his chest and slowly, they laid down together. Her head rested on his chest and she stayed curled up there for a while. He traced invisible circles on her back until her sobs stopped.
"It's never going to be okay. This feels absolutely horrible. I never thought it would ever be like this. I never thought it would feel like this! I just wish that I could go back to that day that the recruiter gave me his card for SD-6. None of this would have happened then. I would be Mrs. Daniel Hecht and have two point five kids with a dog and a house with a white picket fence." She cried out.
"But you can't change your past, Syd. I know that hurts more than anything else and I wish I could make this go away. I hate seeing you like this, Sydney. I really do. But I need you to believe that things will get better. I know what this feels like but I need you to hold on. You can't let go."
"I don't know what to do anymore, Vaughn." She sighed heavily and choked back on her words. "I'm trying so hard to focus on our mission but I just can't. I don't know how to be around you anymore and now, I have to be around Kilmer and Madison? And their baby? I buried Kilmer and with him, I buried everything I felt for him. Then I realize that you did the same thing with him. I watched you throw my ashes in the ocean and I'm sure as anything that you tried to do the same but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can."
"You are the strongest woman I know, Syd. You can do anything." He tightened his grip on her.
"I'm weak."
"You're strong." He countered strongly. He breathed slowly and studied the ceiling, each little crack crevice that had grown through the white plaster ceiling. "I know it feels like you're sinking right now but you'll get through this. I promise you, you'll get through this." He knew his words her falling onto deaf ears. He really shouldn't have been talking. Deep in his subconscious, he was dying. His wife was cheating on him and now he had to help his ex-girlfriend get over the man that she loved before him.
This was so screwed up.
But for now, he just laid there and drew lazy circle on her back, hoping she would eventually fall back to sleep. He wished he could sing and soothe her back to sleep with a sweet lullaby but his singing voice was like a dying canary. He felt her breath come in more regular patterns. He strained to see if her eyes were closed. But those beautiful brown eyes that were surrounded by red, blood-shot were still wide open. Her lips, blue from the cold, were slightly pouted and puckered. She was miserable and depressed. Her strong frame was wavering under the duress. "No matter what happens, Syd, whether it is with Kilmer, Madison, Dixon, Kendall, Sloane, Lauren or anyone else in the realm of the world, I want you to know....I will always be there. Everything that I said and what I did, I don't regret. Sydney, I still-"
"Don't, Vaughn." She whimpered, feeling the exhaust from her emotions catch up with her. She knew where this was coming from and started to hate him for it. He was going to say the one phrase that she had been wanting him to say since she got back but knew that the only reason he was going to say it because the new love in his life was cheating on him. The new love of his life was committing adultery.
"I have to, Sydney." He replied firmly. "I have never in my life-"
"Vaughn." She started to cry again, whispering in protest, willing him to stop. She turned even further and buried her head in his chest, muffling any sound that would come out of her mouth. She inhaled deeply and let out a slow shaky breath.
Without any words, he pressed his lips to the top of her head, "No matter what Sydney, I will always love you."
She bolted out of the bed and stood there. "Don't do this to me Vaughn! Don't do this to me! I'm trying to get over you; I'm trying to get use to the idea of you living with another woman. I'm trying to get use to the fact that I might not find another man that I love! I'm trying to get use to the fact that I can't-that I shouldn't love you anymore! And then you say that you will always love me? You're only saying this because Lauren's messing around with another man! Extraordinary circumstances, Vaughn! You don't love me anymore. You stopped loving me the ninth month after I was missing. I saw you-you and Lauren. I know! Don't do this to me, Vaughn! Let me mourn for us and get over it! I can't be in love with you anymore! Can't you see? It's killing me?" She shouted at the top of her lungs and pointed at him accusingly.
Vaughn watched helpless and sat upright. He pulled the sheets away, "Syd, c'mon. Let's talk about this.'
"There's nothing to talk about! You can't keep doing this to me! Can't you see? You're killing me!" She bolted from the bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind her. She couldn't stay in there, with him anymore. It was bad enough that they never said that they loved each other when they were dating. She staggered out of the bedroom and managed to make it to the fireplace until she collapsed. She hugged her knees to her chest and felt her head lightly hit her head on the stone hearth. She sobbed until she felt her body given out beneath her.
"Sydney?" she heard a soft male voice call out to her.
She raised her head slightly and saw Kilmer standing there. She inwardly cringed. She couldn't deal with this right now-not anymore. "Hey Kilmer." She managed to whisper as she sat up and leaned back on her haunches. She wiped her eyes and sniffled slightly. "What's going on?"
She watched that concerned look that she had grown accustomed to, "I guess I should be asking you that, sweet pea. What's going on? Why are you crying?" He walked towards her slowly and knelt down by her near the fire, that was reduced the brightly burning ruby embers. She turned away from him and studied the dying heat source. "Sweet pea?" He inched closer to her, like a negotiator approaching a person on a cliff, ready to jump. Slowly, he approached her until he could reach out and put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped, as she forgot that he was there or didn't see that he was that close. "Sweet pea?"
"Please don't call me that." She said through her drying tears. "Please."
"Why?"
"Because it makes it that much harder for me to be around you. Hearing you call me that reminds me of how happy we were, how much I loved you, how you were my first almost everything, how it hurt when you died." She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, "I'm so happy you're alive, Kilmer. I'm happy that you got a second chance at life and I'm sure you're thinking the same way. But I, I need to get through my mission and I need to through my life. So, I need you not to call me that anymore. I'm so happy that you and Madison are together and you have a baby and you're going to get married but-but" she took in a deep inhale, "this is a lot for me to take in and I'm going to need time and-tomorrow night is the first step of the mission. If something goes wrong or something happens because I'm distracted by everything, I'll never forgive myself. Like I never forgave myself for fighting harder in Chile." She looked at Kilmer with sympathetic eyes.
"Sydney." He sighed, his brow wrinkled with concern and he reached out to touch her but she recoiled.
"I loved you so much that it almost killed me." She started a familiar speech that she had heard and now everything was making sense. "I was devastated after you were captured. I was in that hospital room for days and for those days; I tried to figure-to figure out what went wrong- what I did wrong. And I couldn't find anything. So, I started back at work but every night for eighteen months, I would go home and analyze the mission. I stopped living. I didn't know what to do anymore and then I don't even known what happened. I guess-"
"You met Noah? I know all about it." He tried to smile and pass that smile onto her but that obviously didn't work. "I was so happy when you decided to move on-so relieved that you could move on with your life. I was given weekly updates about you and your condition-"
She got to her feet and walked into the kitchen, "I can't deal with this right now." She ran her hands over her face, "We have a mission in less than twenty-four hours. I can't do this right now." She reached the kitchen and whipped around, "Go back to your bed with your girlfriend and your baby. I need to be alone right now."
Kilmer opened his mouth to protest but saw that look on her face. Silently, he stood up and walked back into his bedroom. He couldn't say anything to make this better or to help her through this. She would have to get through it on her own. She was a big girl but as he walked across the door, he couldn't help but stop and look at her. "I'm here if you need me." He said in a hoarse voice.
"I'll be fine, Kilmer. I give you my word. I'll be fine."
"Sweet-pea-"
She looked at him harshly, "I'm begging you, Kilmer. Please, don't call me that anymore. I've haven't been that since I was twenty-two. Good- night, Kilmer." She watched the figure look at her reluctantly and turn back into his bedroom. Sydney placed her hands on the countertop and hung her head. Her brain was swimming with bizarre thoughts. She couldn't think straight but the only thing that was clear, the one thing that could be clear, was that Vaughn admitted that he loved her. After all this time, he still loved her. He was married, sleeping with another woman and he still loved her. As the tears poured down her face, drying the tear ducts in her eyes like the Sahara Desert, a small smile started to play on her lips. She hadn't had hope in such a long time.
Her brown eyes jumped to the her bedroom door and she stared at it for a moment, waiting for something to appear. The hope in the back of her mind swelled into faith and that faith turned to the love that she had buried in her blackened heart. She wiped her eyes and sniffled slightly. She slowly made her way over to the couch and curled up into the fetal position there, her eyes never leaving the door. A small question started to beg itself in the darkest corner of her mind, "He said he loves you but does he mean it? His wife is having an affair.......this could just be revenge on Lauren and you would be the pawn."
And that's when she made herself the pledge. She pledged that she would always love Vaughn, not matter what but would never become his pawn.
Not her.
Not now.
Not ever.
Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore. He sat up further and leaned over her, touching her shoulder softly. "Sydney." He cooed softly but received no answer. "Sydney." He tried again but again the same. "Syd, c'mon. Wake up. Sydney."
She came alert in a heartbeat. Her eyes were wide with absolute terror and she was gasping rapidly for air. Her body was perfectly straight and the blanket was clutched to her chest. Her eyes darted around as she tried to get her bearings, no idea where she was. Those dreams were back and they haunted her. She thrashed around slightly, feeling oxygen slowly flow back into her lungs. She was the plane and she was safe but not alone. These dreams were horrible and they were getting more and more indescribable and terrifying. Her honey colored eyes drifted down to her lap and that's when she realized that Vaughn was not three inches from her face, staring at her. "V-Vaughn?" Her raspy voice managed to gasp. She reached out for him. She didn't care about protocol or anything else that mattered in the world. Actually, protocol was no longer a problem. It was that ring on his finger.
He wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to sink into his chest, shaking like a frightened puppy dog. "It was only a dream, Syd."
"I-I don't even..." She hyperventilated.
"It was only a dream." He repeated once more.
"Oh-my-It-It always feels likes-" She curled body closer, trying to feel some security. There were long threads missing from the blanket and bearing the cold air that was about to hit her, she drew her arm from beneath the wool and started to play with the long ridges through it.
Vaughn looked at her with sheer disbelief, "It always feels? How long have you been having these dreams?" He started to stroke the back of her hair softly, trying to get her to calm down. He felt her breathe come in quick bursts, suppressed sobs deep within her.
"Long enough not to be sleeping anymore." She bit down on her lip and squinted her eyes slightly, "I always see what could have been. I see me and Danny on our wedding day.......my mother alive.......me teaching English class......" she swallowed hard, "us together.......our wedding day.......it all feels so real but then something always happens. The next thing I know, I'm bleeding and alone. I see myself die every time I close my eyes. It's horrible." She sat up slightly, just enough to watch his reaction carefully and saw his visibly pained by this.
Vaughn opened his mouth to speak but was stopped when Sydney raised her hand in protest, "Don't say anything. It's just the way things are now. I have to deal with them on my own." She looked away and wished she was alone right now. She couldn't take being in the same area with him right now and it was taking all that she could not to break down. "You know, when I spoke with Kendal, he started telling me about a baby. The child of the woman depicted by Rambaldi and it's already been decided ten times over that I'm that woman, so it would be my child. And for a minute, I had this hope. I thought maybe I had a child. There was a baby that was mine out there and I have never felt so confused in my life. I was terrified that I didn't remember my own child and afraid that she was out there alone but so happy that there might be a little girl or a little boy that was mine." The tears started to come now. "I know it was irrational to think and being in this life, having children wouldn't be a great idea and when we both put two and two together, he told me that there was no baby. There was a part of me that was disappointed. I was actually disappointed that I didn't have a child I never had to begin with."
Her tone changed drastically. Her subconscious started to plead with the greater forces, "Vaughn, something is missing from my life. Not the two years but something else that I just can't even think of. And when he started talking about the child, something in my head clicked. Maybe that was what's missing. Maybe I need someone to love me for whom I am and not care about my past and have no past of their own."
Her tears were like falling diamonds over porcelain. They flowed clear and fast over her skin, causing her eyes to swell and her face to look red and blotchy. But her eyes never left that blanket. She didn't want to see what Vaughn's face looked like or what he was doing. He was probably ignoring her and feigning interest. Men did that. They feigned interest. But when she finally looked up, her body beginning to rack with sobs, she saw tears brimming over in his eyes. "But there is no baby. No baby, Vaughn. And it's just me all over again. And I don't know what to do anymore." Her voice started to plead desperately. "I've never felt like this and I don't know what to do with these emotions." Out of desperation, she ran her hands over her face and tried to push these emotions away. But she couldn't. This was too overwhelming, even for her. She pushed the blankets away from her and tried to put her feet on the ground but found a pair of hands pushing her back down.
"Stop. We need to talk about this. You're not running away from this." He hated seeing her this way. She was broken and he wanted to do something about it. He watched her look at him with 'deer in the headlights look' as he helped her ease back down. "When was the last time you really slept?"
She looked at him with a vacant stare and just knitted her brow together. "I don't know how to be me anymore, Vaughn. Nothing's the same and I don't know what to do anymore. It's all different. I thought this feeling would go away but it just got worse. Everything's so messed up. First it was-"
He opened his arms to her, something he knew he shouldn't have been doing but he did it anyway. She leaned in and cried on his shoulder. She cried until she thought her body would break in two. He stroked the back of her head softly as she collapsed further and landed across his chest. She was so tired just from everything. "We'll get you back to normal soon. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. Just close your eyes. Try to get some sleep. Shh....shh...." He watched her collapse down into his chest and slowly, they laid down together. Her head rested on his chest and she stayed curled up there for a while. He traced invisible circles on her back until her sobs stopped.
"It's never going to be okay. This feels absolutely horrible. I never thought it would ever be like this. I never thought it would feel like this! I just wish that I could go back to that day that the recruiter gave me his card for SD-6. None of this would have happened then. I would be Mrs. Daniel Hecht and have two point five kids with a dog and a house with a white picket fence." She cried out.
"But you can't change your past, Syd. I know that hurts more than anything else and I wish I could make this go away. I hate seeing you like this, Sydney. I really do. But I need you to believe that things will get better. I know what this feels like but I need you to hold on. You can't let go."
"I don't know what to do anymore, Vaughn." She sighed heavily and choked back on her words. "I'm trying so hard to focus on our mission but I just can't. I don't know how to be around you anymore and now, I have to be around Kilmer and Madison? And their baby? I buried Kilmer and with him, I buried everything I felt for him. Then I realize that you did the same thing with him. I watched you throw my ashes in the ocean and I'm sure as anything that you tried to do the same but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can."
"You are the strongest woman I know, Syd. You can do anything." He tightened his grip on her.
"I'm weak."
"You're strong." He countered strongly. He breathed slowly and studied the ceiling, each little crack crevice that had grown through the white plaster ceiling. "I know it feels like you're sinking right now but you'll get through this. I promise you, you'll get through this." He knew his words her falling onto deaf ears. He really shouldn't have been talking. Deep in his subconscious, he was dying. His wife was cheating on him and now he had to help his ex-girlfriend get over the man that she loved before him.
This was so screwed up.
But for now, he just laid there and drew lazy circle on her back, hoping she would eventually fall back to sleep. He wished he could sing and soothe her back to sleep with a sweet lullaby but his singing voice was like a dying canary. He felt her breath come in more regular patterns. He strained to see if her eyes were closed. But those beautiful brown eyes that were surrounded by red, blood-shot were still wide open. Her lips, blue from the cold, were slightly pouted and puckered. She was miserable and depressed. Her strong frame was wavering under the duress. "No matter what happens, Syd, whether it is with Kilmer, Madison, Dixon, Kendall, Sloane, Lauren or anyone else in the realm of the world, I want you to know....I will always be there. Everything that I said and what I did, I don't regret. Sydney, I still-"
"Don't, Vaughn." She whimpered, feeling the exhaust from her emotions catch up with her. She knew where this was coming from and started to hate him for it. He was going to say the one phrase that she had been wanting him to say since she got back but knew that the only reason he was going to say it because the new love in his life was cheating on him. The new love of his life was committing adultery.
"I have to, Sydney." He replied firmly. "I have never in my life-"
"Vaughn." She started to cry again, whispering in protest, willing him to stop. She turned even further and buried her head in his chest, muffling any sound that would come out of her mouth. She inhaled deeply and let out a slow shaky breath.
Without any words, he pressed his lips to the top of her head, "No matter what Sydney, I will always love you."
She bolted out of the bed and stood there. "Don't do this to me Vaughn! Don't do this to me! I'm trying to get over you; I'm trying to get use to the idea of you living with another woman. I'm trying to get use to the fact that I might not find another man that I love! I'm trying to get use to the fact that I can't-that I shouldn't love you anymore! And then you say that you will always love me? You're only saying this because Lauren's messing around with another man! Extraordinary circumstances, Vaughn! You don't love me anymore. You stopped loving me the ninth month after I was missing. I saw you-you and Lauren. I know! Don't do this to me, Vaughn! Let me mourn for us and get over it! I can't be in love with you anymore! Can't you see? It's killing me?" She shouted at the top of her lungs and pointed at him accusingly.
Vaughn watched helpless and sat upright. He pulled the sheets away, "Syd, c'mon. Let's talk about this.'
"There's nothing to talk about! You can't keep doing this to me! Can't you see? You're killing me!" She bolted from the bedroom, shutting the door firmly behind her. She couldn't stay in there, with him anymore. It was bad enough that they never said that they loved each other when they were dating. She staggered out of the bedroom and managed to make it to the fireplace until she collapsed. She hugged her knees to her chest and felt her head lightly hit her head on the stone hearth. She sobbed until she felt her body given out beneath her.
"Sydney?" she heard a soft male voice call out to her.
She raised her head slightly and saw Kilmer standing there. She inwardly cringed. She couldn't deal with this right now-not anymore. "Hey Kilmer." She managed to whisper as she sat up and leaned back on her haunches. She wiped her eyes and sniffled slightly. "What's going on?"
She watched that concerned look that she had grown accustomed to, "I guess I should be asking you that, sweet pea. What's going on? Why are you crying?" He walked towards her slowly and knelt down by her near the fire, that was reduced the brightly burning ruby embers. She turned away from him and studied the dying heat source. "Sweet pea?" He inched closer to her, like a negotiator approaching a person on a cliff, ready to jump. Slowly, he approached her until he could reach out and put his hand on her shoulder. She jumped, as she forgot that he was there or didn't see that he was that close. "Sweet pea?"
"Please don't call me that." She said through her drying tears. "Please."
"Why?"
"Because it makes it that much harder for me to be around you. Hearing you call me that reminds me of how happy we were, how much I loved you, how you were my first almost everything, how it hurt when you died." She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, "I'm so happy you're alive, Kilmer. I'm happy that you got a second chance at life and I'm sure you're thinking the same way. But I, I need to get through my mission and I need to through my life. So, I need you not to call me that anymore. I'm so happy that you and Madison are together and you have a baby and you're going to get married but-but" she took in a deep inhale, "this is a lot for me to take in and I'm going to need time and-tomorrow night is the first step of the mission. If something goes wrong or something happens because I'm distracted by everything, I'll never forgive myself. Like I never forgave myself for fighting harder in Chile." She looked at Kilmer with sympathetic eyes.
"Sydney." He sighed, his brow wrinkled with concern and he reached out to touch her but she recoiled.
"I loved you so much that it almost killed me." She started a familiar speech that she had heard and now everything was making sense. "I was devastated after you were captured. I was in that hospital room for days and for those days; I tried to figure-to figure out what went wrong- what I did wrong. And I couldn't find anything. So, I started back at work but every night for eighteen months, I would go home and analyze the mission. I stopped living. I didn't know what to do anymore and then I don't even known what happened. I guess-"
"You met Noah? I know all about it." He tried to smile and pass that smile onto her but that obviously didn't work. "I was so happy when you decided to move on-so relieved that you could move on with your life. I was given weekly updates about you and your condition-"
She got to her feet and walked into the kitchen, "I can't deal with this right now." She ran her hands over her face, "We have a mission in less than twenty-four hours. I can't do this right now." She reached the kitchen and whipped around, "Go back to your bed with your girlfriend and your baby. I need to be alone right now."
Kilmer opened his mouth to protest but saw that look on her face. Silently, he stood up and walked back into his bedroom. He couldn't say anything to make this better or to help her through this. She would have to get through it on her own. She was a big girl but as he walked across the door, he couldn't help but stop and look at her. "I'm here if you need me." He said in a hoarse voice.
"I'll be fine, Kilmer. I give you my word. I'll be fine."
"Sweet-pea-"
She looked at him harshly, "I'm begging you, Kilmer. Please, don't call me that anymore. I've haven't been that since I was twenty-two. Good- night, Kilmer." She watched the figure look at her reluctantly and turn back into his bedroom. Sydney placed her hands on the countertop and hung her head. Her brain was swimming with bizarre thoughts. She couldn't think straight but the only thing that was clear, the one thing that could be clear, was that Vaughn admitted that he loved her. After all this time, he still loved her. He was married, sleeping with another woman and he still loved her. As the tears poured down her face, drying the tear ducts in her eyes like the Sahara Desert, a small smile started to play on her lips. She hadn't had hope in such a long time.
Her brown eyes jumped to the her bedroom door and she stared at it for a moment, waiting for something to appear. The hope in the back of her mind swelled into faith and that faith turned to the love that she had buried in her blackened heart. She wiped her eyes and sniffled slightly. She slowly made her way over to the couch and curled up into the fetal position there, her eyes never leaving the door. A small question started to beg itself in the darkest corner of her mind, "He said he loves you but does he mean it? His wife is having an affair.......this could just be revenge on Lauren and you would be the pawn."
And that's when she made herself the pledge. She pledged that she would always love Vaughn, not matter what but would never become his pawn.
Not her.
Not now.
Not ever.