Okay, I heard this song on the radio and it totally clicks with this chapter...more with what Kilmer is going through than anyone else but I just thought it fit...we're getting down to the last couple of chapters!!! So here it is, Chapter 28 featuring:"Breaking the Habit" Linkin Park

There are some awkward situations in life. Most of them can be dated in a high school career or early collegiate life. Well, this situation was a very real experience for a thirty-something crowd. They sat in the Athens safe house, waiting for the go order from Langley. Kilmer, Madison, Vaughn, and Sydney all sat in a circle, sipping tea and coffee in silence. No one really knew what to say to the other. Rivers was keeping an eye on Sark, now in custody, and Lauren and Jonathan.

Madison sat with her baby in her arms. Never had she felt so much relief in her life. She knew she had made this right decision, a lucky one at that. It was very risky for her to put her safety on the line like that but she loved Kilmer and Layla too much not to. She would rather have died a slow, painful death that have her beloved and daughter in peril. "I'm leaving the CIA." She spoke abruptly, quickly ending the silence that had reigned for all of five minutes.

FLASHBACK

Kilmer watched the door to the safe house open and he felt his entire body tense up. He knew he should have been expecting the others to join him. Still, he was apprehensive about seeing Madison again. He really wasn't mad at her. He couldn't be. While he had been tortured and subjected to more pain than is fit for words, he had come to terms with it. He knew that he loved her more than life itself and that it was okay. It was all okay. Plus, he had made his decision about what he was going to do with his life.

The door opened swiftly and a warm burst of humid air filled the room. Kilmer rosee at the sudden noise. Every muscle in his body bulged from his body and he thought his heart was going to pound out of his chest. Madison came in first, Vaughn and Sydney at her heels. "Where is she?" she shouted the moment the door flew open. She was still dressed in her black and white outfit and her gray eyes frantically searched the Athens house. "Where is Layla?"

"She's right here, Maddie." Kilmer replied, move from the couch and picking Layla off the floor, where she was playing with a set of blocks. Much to her dismay, he separated her from her beloved new toys and was subjected to angered screeches.

"Oh my baby!" Madison lunged towards Layla and hugged her tightly to her body, kissing her hair and mumbling slightly. "Oh my baby. My little girl." The tears flooded her hair and landed in the toddler's hair. She melted down on the floor and rocked back and forth. "I missed you. Mamma missed you so much. So much. I love you. I love you, little girl." Kilmer knelt down next to her. She sensed his presence and looked up, "I thought I lost both you." She reached up and touched his cheek. "I'm so sorry."

The other agents snapped their attention towards her, their jaws dropping in disbelief. "Maddie, are you sure?" Kilmer was the first one to reclaim the idea of being able to talk. His tongue felt swollen and his heart started to pound in his chest. He knew where this conversation was going to go. They had one similar not three weeks earlier.

She turned towards Kilmer seated on the couch to her right. Her eyes were brimming over with emotion and her arms started to shake slightly as she worked up to this speech that she had been practicing in her head over and over again. "Layla is the most important thing in my life. When she was taken, I realized that I may have chosen this life but she didn't. And I can't live without her. I won't live without her. She deserves to be in a safe home and if that means a desk job for me, then so be it." She raised her head a little higher, revealing crystal tears forming in her eyes. "I'm not asking you to come with me, Robbie. I know you know about me and Julian. I understand if you don't want to stay."

Kilmer was without words, a rarity to be said. He sat forward and placed his hand on Layla's forehead, "I could honestly give a damn who her biological father is. I'm Layla's father and there is nothing in this world that's going to change that."

She reached for his hand and placed it upon his wrist, "That's very big of you, Robbie."

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

"I had some time to think about it." He replied sarcastically, refraining barely from rolling his eyes. He pulled his hand away and immediately looked hurt. "That doesn't mean I'm okay with it. I will love Layla until the day I die. You, on the other hand, lied and cheated." He took a moment before continuing, "I was an assignment? Langley didn't trust me?"

There was no way that she was expecting this. He was suppose to be mad, yes; but it wasn't suppose to be this anger. She recognized this in his eyes and it honestly scared her. His chest started to heave, his lungs pulsating against his lungs. "Robbie, please."

"No, listen to me. I'll help you pack your bags and send you off back to LA or DC or whatever you want to go. I want to hear about Layla's life and be an active part in it. But that's all. I love you more than I thought I could. I'm sorry, Madison, but I can't keep this going. Not that I know the truth now." He got to his feet and turned his back on Madison, who was now close to tears.

"Robbie, Robbie please." She started to beg.

Sydney and Vaughn felt equally uncomfortable. They were witnessing a very intimate conversation that would end in a horrible destruction of their fairy tale life. They both knew that Madison and Kilmer loved each other and the intelligence community would tear them apart. Sydney's heart was especially breaking.

"I'm sorry, Maddie." He replied with his back facing her. "I love you so much but I can't be with you if everything's been a lie."

"Not everything's been a lie, Robbie! My feelings for you have been real! I could never fake that. I knew you before my assignment and I loved you even then. People called it a schoolgirl's crush but I knew that we were going to be something more. Please, Robbie, don't walk away from what we have. We've built a life-"

"A life based on lies, Madison." He snapped. "You were right. Everything's been screwed up for years. I realized after the entire incident with Lauren and Jonathan- I realize that I still have feelings for Sydney." He turned around and watched Sydney's reaction. His eyes stayed glued to her face and continued, "I still love her and always have. I've been lying too, Maddie. I've been telling you that my heart belongs to you but it's been split into two. I've been in love with Sydney all this time." Sydney kept her head down and starred intently at her hands. "And I'd be with her in a heartbeat, if she'd take me."

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Because inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Sydney's eyes still didn't move and her body felt frozen. She heard the muffled anguished gasp of Madison, unable to cope with any of this and she felt Vaughn's body stiffen up. It was now time to reveal her decision. "I'm so sorry, Kilmer." She managed to utter at last. These were her most painful words. She knew how much she was going to hurt him and she never intended to. He had been so kind and sweet to her when she was her when she wailed. Now, she was going to drive a stake through his heart. "I wish I could say that I felt the same way about you. I was so in love with when you. I loved you more than I possibly imagined anyone could love someone. And then you died or got extracted or whatever you want to call it. I was forced to move on."

She started to ramble on the same speech she had given before but stopped herself. There was no reason to hash open old wounds. "There is always a part of me that will love you, Kilmer. Nothing will ever change that. But I've moved on with my life and have found someone who-"She looked at Vaughn and prayed that he would respond with some sort of action. He nodded his head slightly and she felt like she was going to pass out from joy. He wanted to be with her again. He loved her again. She could be his again. "-who feels the same way. I'm so sorry, Kilmer. I wish I could-"

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

Kilmer took one hard look at her before turning and leaving the room. "Kilmer, wait!" "Robbie!" Both women shouted, getting to their to chase after him. There was a loud slam as the bedroom door slammed shut and another click told them that it was locked. Sydney pounded on the door with a closed fist, "Kilmer, open the door! Kilmer, open the damn door!" "Robbie! Oh please, Robbie!"

Madison stood a few feet behind Sydney, suddenly sober and remorse. She simply rocked the sleeping baby in her arms. "Sydney, just leave him be. It's going to take awhile for him to calm down. It always does." She started to walk away from the shut door, embarrassed by the tears rapidly falling down her cheeks. "I'm just going to contact my superiors and tell them my decision. I refuse to wait for contact from them." Her accent clipped softly as she made her way into the kitchen.

don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
â€Ëœcause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Well, everyone seemed to have forgotten about Vaughn for a moment. He still sat in the living room, hands on his knees and looking around like a lost little puppy dog. There were a couple of options but all of them would more than likely turn out sour. So, he just sat there and refused to move. He concentrated on his breathing and kept steady consciousness with the rise and fall of chest.

Sydney reappeared in the entranceway with her hands on her hips. His green eyes caught her brown ones as she moved silently into the room. Neither of them spoke a word as she nestled down beside him. He wrapped his arm around her, even though his touch wasn't really comforting. It was that same type of contact they had shared in Medical Services all those years ago. He swallowed hard and tried to come up with something to say, "Oh Syd." He sighed and swallowed again, "I wish there was something I could ay to you to make this better."

"I just wish there was a way to make everyone happy." She replied and put her head on his shoulder.

He rubbed lazy circles into her back, "Are you happy, at least?" His voice was smooth but raspy. He didn't care if the rest of it fell to hell but if she was happy, then it was all alright.

She sat up and starred into his eyes. There was something different about his intense gaze. His green eyes swirled around like mystic pools, threatening to swallow her whole. She met his gaze with equaled intensity. Her hand extended, feeling an icy chill run to her fingertips and touched his face. Like a spark to kerosene, there was a blast of heat rushing through both of them. She relaxed her hand against his cheek, resting her palm on his face. He felt the same heat and anxiety reach the breaking point in his body. His hand covered hers and slowly, he turned his face and kissed her palm. Softly, he turned back towards her and murmured, "Please tell me that you're happy with me."

She nodded so subtly that he almost thought that he had dreamt her reaction. Gaining nerve, she nodded again, "I'm happy with you." She leaned in closer, taking his other hand in hers and gripping it tightly. Their hands were pressed together between their stomachs as their foreheads were molding into one. "I'm so happy with you."

They sat there for a long while, feeling that life had finally come full circle. They had gone through the motions of pretending to move on with their lives and they had gone through the phases of avoiding their true feelings. Now, the masks were removed and the aliases were long forgotten. At the end of the day, at the end of this very important day, she was just a girl who was gone for two years and he was just a boy in the process of separating from his wife. Forget the intelligence community and all that it entailed. Of course, things were always dramatically more complicated. Just for right now, it was alright just to be there, with all of the complications intact. They just sat there, hands tightly clasped and foreheads pressed together in like perfect puzzle pieces.

Madison stood in the kitchen, watching like an alert observer of this intimate human relation. Her heart was breaking faster than she could allow the tears to escape her eyes. Kilmer had chosen a woman that was in love with someone else. This was all to be expected, to some degree. She had a daughter with another (younger) man. It was a blow to his ego. He would get over it. One thing about Robbie Kilmer was that he never stayed mad for long. Besides, she had reason to be mad at him. He had kissed Sydney just a few days earlier and confessed his love for her right in front of her. Her affair had been over 29 months ago. Almost three years. Almost three years. She licked her lips and could still taste Sark's lips pressed against hers and she almost vomited. Honestly, she loved Kilmer more than anything and wished that he would resign from the CIA and be with her. Apparently, that wasn't going to happen. She tried not to laugh at the fact that only ten days earlier, he had told her that no one would ever know about Layla and how they could escape to the States. All of that was nothing more than cotton candy filled lies. She adjusted her beautiful baby girl in her arms as she reached for her secure cell phone. With her fingernail, she dialed a series of codes, "HQ, this is Agent Madison Perkins...."

Kilmer braced his arms on either side of the sink and starred into his own complexion. He felt dirty and heartbroken. He had felt this way after leaving Sydney the first time. There were so many times that he wanted to tell her of his double agent status when they were at SD-6 together. It was an almost uncontrollable urge that he felt whenever they were alone, especially when they were in non-work related situations. He had no idea what he was going to do now. His whole plan, the idea of working side by side with Sydney again, crumbled faster than he ever could have anticipated. He was set here now, with absolutely no plan and no direction. He wanted to take Madison back. He wanted not to be furious with her. She had cheated on him, however, and had a child with another man. That was a mistake that she would live with for the rest of her life. Part of him wanted to scream, "hasn't she suffered enough?" But had she suffered? Hadn't he been the one that had truly suffered throughout all of this? It was his perfect life that had been shattered. He had a beautiful fiancée with an even more beautiful child and then it was all being destroyed. His fiancée was no longer being honest with him and the more beautiful child was no longer his.

So...what was he going to do? He could take Madison back and go back to being happy. He could make due on all of those promises he had made to her. They could go back to being a happy again. They could forget the past and just move on with their lives. All that he said could be erased. He could take it all back and all of it would be forgotten. It would be simple and it would be easy.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright

Or, he could ask for another long term assignment and disappear into his work. No love to complicate things. He could be a true agent again. He wouldn't have to worry about past lovers or their pasts. No longer would Project Dying Rose haunt him and the names of Sydney, Madison, and Layla could disappear into the smoke. His name would vanish faster than a spark of lightning.

So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

He locked eyes with himself one last time, coming up with a decision in his mind. This was the way it was going to have to be. He walked away from the vanity, unlocked the door, feeling the cool metal beneath his clammy palms, and entered the living room. "Madison?"


Tonight