Dream Keeper: Well folks, standard yada. I do not own The Slayers (Next). sniffs I wish I did but I don't. The wonderful bishonen and bishojo belong to their respectable owners. I am just using them for this twisted fic. I promise to return them, only slightly worse for the wear when we're through with them. Um... Anything else?
Christa: Yeah. This is our first posted Slayers fic, so please be gentle with us. We haven't even seen Try yet! sobs
Dream Keeper: Yes, and it is kind of AU, so please keep that in mind, because we don't know exactly when it takes place. Just pick a series and go from there. It SHOULD work out, but don't flame us if it doesn't.
Christa: Thanx again for reading our writing. We know there's tons of others you could be reading. glomps all fans
Dream Keeper: Same here! Now, on with the fic! Oh, almost forgot. The lyrics were written by the artist Natalie Imbruglia, and are off of the CD "Left of the Middle." We may own a copy of the CD, but sadly the rights to it do not belong to us, so technically we do not own that either. If we did, we would already have bought Slayers and would be making tons of money. So don't sue us. We've said our peace, and you wouldn't get any $$$ anyway because we're poor broke folk.
Christa: And this is a one shot, so don't bother asking for any more!
"Blah" speech (no duh!)
/blah/ lyrics
Dedicated to: people who have known that a love that was not meant to be, but have had the courage to experience it anyway.
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/My lullaby/
/Hung out to dry/
/What's up with that/
/Its over./
I never realized just how wonderful you were until I was unable to obtain you. Certain traits that everyone has make each individual special but in all my millennia I have never come across a person as complex as you. No werewolf, of fish-man, or human, or even dragon has consumed my mind as completely as you.
Because you have never noticed me.
Not once in all of the time I have existed has an individual ignored me so utterly completely as you. Only once did your calm veneer break enough for you to acknowledge my existence. That was when you tried to kill me. I know that destroying your copy of the Claire Bible was wrong and truly evil, but I could not let it fall into hands that may have used it do destroy the monster race. I don't regret it for an instant because for the first time since I joined your little band, you truly saw me. Or at least you saw what everyone else sees.
My feelings for you started then and no matter how hard I tried, I could not bury them. It brought to me an unobtainable dream; something to ponder at night as I guard you while you all sleep so peacefully in your human dreams. Never have I known such unrest as now under the darkened sky, truly alone with my thoughts. It makes me wonder if you will ever glean even a small bit of what I feel. Or do you believe it impossible because of my monster blood?
/Where are you dad/
/Mum's lookin' sad/
/What's up with that/
/Its dark in here/
The feeling that other races call love seems like such a simple thing but as the human cliche goes, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Bah. That may be true of other races, but not mine. In the monster race, love does not exist. So I must carry this feeling tucked away inside of me, in the darkness of my black soul, secretly. Safe, unless my master calls upon me to reveal it. I pray it does not happen because...
You'll die.
Xellas will not allow me to have anyone who can get in the way of what needs done. I can serve only as a puppet to her, never having any chance to allay myself to anyone else. Conflicting loyalties mean death to the person whose loyalty is torn, as well as the offending party. Never would I curse you with that, my dear chimera. Never will I let anyone hurt you. I would gladly give up my life for you.
Even though after trying to kill me you went back to your silence and complete refusal of me, I love you. It hurt that the only people able to break you out of your thoughts annoyed you almost as much as me. I know that I am a pest and a vile creature not worth acknowledging, but still whatever I have in place of a heart longs for you to see me. Not this genki mask I put on for the benefit of the world, but the real me. The monstrous person under all of the childish innocence I muster so I can watch my assignment, Lina.
True I give most of my attention to her, but only because I was assigned to watch her. Xellas does not want people like her running around, wielding power unchecked. She could possibly destroy the monster race, given the right motives. But I do not care about her. I stay here, prolonging your journey with dead ends and false hopes, because it gives me a chance to stay with you.
What was that sound? Was it real? Are you really awake? Have you discovered my secret? Please Zelgadis don't be angry with me. I was only lying beside you, honest. You always sleep off away from the group and you looked so cold. I wanted to give you what little I can. I swear I meant you no harm. I could never hurt you.
I said that aloud? No, pretend you heard nothing. You never should have heard that from my lips. Didn't think it possible? Because I'm a part of the monster race. Bent on the world's destruction? Only some of us. How would we live without the world?
/Why bleeding is breathing/
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/
/Try, bleeding is believing/
/I used to/
The place where you struck me does not bleed. Surprised? No, it does not seem that I have blood. You sometimes forget that fact? I seem human? Impossible. I float behind you all day, annoying you. You make a wonderful meal, do you realize that? The aura you give off has a wonderful flavor. Few would enjoy its intricacies. Off the subject? Sorry.
How often do I do this? I seldom allow myself the luxury. How often specifically? I only did it once before. The night I destroyed the Claire Bible manuscript you obtained from the thieves. Was it real? Yes. Did it contain anything to cure your chimerical form? No.
Would I lie to you?
No.
I think it impossible for me to lie to someone who has captured my heart. A monster has no such thing? Perhaps not, but then why would we have a code to die by for it? Shocked? A monster truly can love, but few choose death over life. You do not believe me? I can not make your mind up for you.
Monsters work under a compulsion of loyalty not love. That word remains foreign and most scoff at it, but sometimes things happen. I said more than I meant to, I apologize. I never meant to frighten you. Not frightened? But look at me. Look at my blood, for the love of Shabrinigido. I do evil, horrid, wretched things to people I do not even know. Not all that bad? You still see my genki mask.
You still do not see me. Look at this. Look here. Look what happens when I cut my wrist.
See? It does not—bleed...
/My mouth is dry/
/Forgot how to cry/
/What's up with that/
/You're hurting me/
How did this happen? This can't be. Impossible. No monster can bleed. Our forms are only astral projections. What did you say, Zelgadis? Crying? No I—not possible. What? You say its only human? But I'm not human. I'm a monster.
You really believe that? That I could just be a horrid person? Not? That I could just be confused? That I could just be punishing myself for being... me?
Now I have gotten confused. Is this what it means to be human? To laugh at yourself, and cry, and feel horrid, and to... feel pain? Why does my chest ache so? It feels like something inside of me broke. What do I feel? Please tell me! Fear? But I can't fear anything!
I am a monster
/I'm running fast/
/Can't hide the past/
/What's up with that?/
/You're pushing me./
Do I really believe it? Yes. You never saw what I did to the dragons during the wars. You haven't seen what I've done to people, just for fun. Once I gutted a human in front of his family just because he offered to feed and house me. I have done so many horrid things that I can't even begin to atone for them. No, don't touch me. Don't profane yourself with my horrid essence. Don't dirty your clean hands.
What? Washed in blood? I do not believe it. I simply don't. You never do anything without thinking when it comes to hurting people. You always think about the consequences. What? You didn't used to? When working for your uncle?
But you have worked to atone for your actions since. The blood still stains your hands? Let me see them. The moonlight shows me nothing but skin and pebbles. You want me to take off my gloves? You want to see my hands? But... these gloves are my hands. Take them off anyway? Fine, suit yourself.
This is amazing! I have real hands! Hands of flesh and bone, not just of leather and thread! I can feel! Your hands feel warm and rough. They look like pristine snow? But they should be colored red...
I guess its true. While we can't see it, we're both murderers. I guess it actually gives us something in common. A common ground to stand on.
/Why, bleeding is breathing./
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/
/Try, bleeding is believing/
/I used to/
You helped me to understand this. Why? You hate me. Why have you started caring now? You don't hate me? You treat me like all of your friends? But always you ignored me, no matter how much I pestered you...
You were lost in thought? Wondering why I hated you? But I never hated you! You interested me from the start. You were the only one who didn't seem to see me. I have always gotten people to notice me, with no exceptions, until you came along. You breezed into my life and when I pestered you, you never even batted an eye. You just ignored me and kept walking. You were cold to me, and distant, and grouchy, and completely unafraid. Even Lina fears me.
Never saw anything to be afraid of? Thought I was just being cruel? Knew I was a monster from the very start? But how?
Because my eyes cried out for help?
/Why, bleeding is breathing./
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/
/Try, bleeding is believing/
/I saw you crawling on the floor/
But I always have my eyes closed. How can they have cried out? Huh? The fact that they were always closed? Eyes are the windows to the soul? But I have no soul.
You think I'm human now? Well, it is possible. No one ever knows exactly how a monster gets sentenced to death. But why would Xellas let me go so easily? She never lets a possession go without a fight. Why didn't she just kill me?
Do I want to die?
No. I want to be with you. Now I fear I said too much. I apologize again.
/Why, bleeding is breathing./
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/
/Try, bleeding is believing/
/I saw you crawling to the door/
My saying that doesn't bother you? Why not? Because you believe that everyone needs a dream? How poetic. But I don't dream. Don't you see? Monsters don't dream, they don't eat, they don't sleep, they don't feel, and they don't love.
I'm contradicting myself? How? I never admitted I love you. I simply said I like spending time with you. No difference? Maybe, but I cannot say it. I will not see you killed for a monster's folly. Ouch! That HURT! No, monsters don't feel—oh. Damn it.
You laughed at me. Comical? Me? I suppose it would be from your point of view but I don't find it very funny. Why not? Why do I not find all of this human feeling funny?
Because I'm scared.
/Why, bleeding is breathing./
/You're hiding, underneath the smoke in the room/
/Try, bleeding is believing/
/I saw you falling on the floor/
Really? You don't understand why? I guess you wouldn't understand. A monster cannot die. Monsters never die unless killed by something stronger than them. I was a monster, now I am human.
Now I will die.
So will you? I suppose you will. I never thought about it before now. Somehow I let myself believe that your chimerical form would lend you eternal life. No? Just longevity? That's sad. Someone as wonderful as you should live forever.
Too much of a bad thing? If you say so. I don't think you're bad at all. I think you're wonderful and beautiful, and kind, and caring, if a little distant. I think... I think I'll say it aloud.
I love you.
You have a stunned look on your face. You accused me earlier of admitting it. You were just using it to prove a point? Didn't really think about it? Oh. Well, what do you think? Do I scare you now? No?
That gives me hope. Will you accept me, my beautiful chimera? I'll wait for your answer.
I have eternity.
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Dream Keeper: So what do you think? We were trying to apply a new writing style, with not using to be verbs, but I don't think it turned out very well.
Christa: Nope, don't think it turned out very well at all. Oh well.
Dream Keeper: Anyway, its late and we're totally out of ideas.
Christa: thanks unseen gods The muse-block is gone!
Dream Keeper: Muses get writers block?!
Christa: tactfully ignoring the author Anyway folks, please R&R which means read AND REVIEW!!!! Thanx.