My head hurt. That was my first conscious thought that morning. I
don't know what I'd been doing the night before, but it couldn't have been
good. Against my better judgment I cracked open an eye to see if I could
get the elephant off of my head. No elephant, just some sharply blinding
light and a full bladder. Finally the latter won out as I went to wrestle
my body into an upright position. I was stopped by a quiet sound that was
both familiar and confusing. The soft murmur of the sleeping body next to
me made me widely open both eyes and instantly regret doing so. I blinked
rapidly until I could ignore the biting pain the light was causing me and
looked around.
"Buf-"I had a double realization as half of her name came out of my mouth. First the images of Buffy as I had seen her last tore through my head and inspired feelings of rage and hurt. Second was the shock that the woman curled next to me on the floor was not Buffy. There was a dramatic pause as my mind got kicked into gear and the events of last night came back in almost stunning clarity. Unfortunately the pain that came with these images caused me to grab my head in agony.
"Ow." With one hand pressed to my skull, I carefully extricated myself from the woman next to me, Willow I realized, and made my way to the bathroom. Feeling the shattered pieces of glass beneath my feet made me realize I was wearing only a pair of boxers. I shook my head, instantly regretting it, at the thought of what I could have done last night. I found the bottle of pain killers and swallowed half a handful with water from the tap. I stood with both hands braced against the sink as I stared at the shattered reflection of my life; somehow it seemed appropriate. I wanted to wait there for a minute before facing the day; unfortunately I didn't get that luxury as sounds from the next room told me she'd noticed my absence.
'Where are you?' And a second later, 'There you are. Why did you leave me?' Her thoughts came in rapid succession and the images she sent me involving us told me nothing about what had happened. Quickly I finished the business that had called me here in the first place before heading out to face the music.
'How are you feeling?' I had to think about it before I could respond.
'My head hurts, and my hand too, a little, actually all of me hurts, but I've had worse days I think.' I came into the room to see her lying under my jacket she'd snagged from the pile of assorted clothes piled on the couch. Her eyes were open, but she was still lying as she was when I'd left.
'C'mere' I moved over in her direction but sat on the couch looking down at her.
'Whassa matter? You're not having second thought about what happened last night, are you?' Her thoughts took on a serious and worried tone. I regretted what was going to happen next.
'Willow, I'm not exactly sure I know what happened last night.' Her eyes grew wide and she sat up straight, clutching the jacket to her chest. If I didn't know she was almost naked before, that gesture alone spoke worlds.
"How can you not know what happened last night? You weren't that drunk. Were you? You couldn't be. Your mind was too clear for you to be drunk." Her voice was bordering on frantic. She took a breath and composed herself, holding up a hand to forestall any comment I might make until she was ready to hear it. She reached into the pile next to me and fished out her shirt which she put on while still concealing herself with my jacket. She moved almost standing up as she planted herself in the recliner behind her before looking at me again. I probed my murky memories for any clues as I waited for her to speak.
'Okay, I'm going to try and be reasonable and I'm going to try and help you puzzle out what happened with you. Will you let me in or do we have to do this the slow way?'
'I don't think I could if I wanted to. I think we need to work it out step by step if you don't mind.' She nodded and while seeming more than slightly vexed, she agreed and began where I ended.
'What was the last thing you clearly remember from last night? Show me.' I thought back and played out the scene in my mind, pushing it across to her, of Finn leaving the apartment.
'Okay. Riley wanted to make sure you were okay and he was surprised to find us drinking together. You were more than a little... unstable last night and he said that you'd rushed away while the two of you were on your mission. He didn't mention what you'd seen, but I guessed at what it was from what you told me.' She paused and looked at me; I just nodded, not wanting to think about it. 'I figured. When you got here last night, you lost control of your mind. You started throwing things across the room, the whole place was shaking, and your thoughts were being shouted in all directions. I started crying myself before I realized where it was coming from and tightened my walls against it. I had to push centering thoughts into you to force you to close your walls again.' I nodded, I remembered that part.
'Sorry about that. I guess I just got so shocked by what I'd seen that my walls cracked, emotional overload. It comes from suppressing and controlling myself for too long before one big sudden shock forces all the pent up pressure through a pin hole and everything just comes pouring out. It's the price I pay for what I can do.'
'I get that. After I got you relaxed you started drinking and I joined in after my own shock at the... thing I'd seen with your eyes. Kinda' took me by surprise too, I guess. We finished off what was left of that bottle, but you were still sounding pretty sober in my head. You started telling me you weren't worth anything and it was like this ingrained truth that was stuck in your head. It started right after you punched out the mirror. I started trying to reorganize your concentric energy fields with some massage. I think I started right before Riley got here. Anyway, you relaxed right into it and then you started a link between us.' She paused for a second and she couldn't meet my eyes. When she was focused again her thoughts came slowly, carefully, and she paused slightly between each one.
'It was the most amazing experience of my life. It was like we were the same person. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. But it wasn't weird or awkward at all, it just seemed... right. There weren't any reservations or miscommunication; I mean, how could there be? We were as one. I've never felt anything like it.' She stopped thinking at me, but I could hear the hum of her thoughts as she relived it to herself and then the sudden stop as she refocused on me. 'I never knew exactly what someone else thought about me. I've never felt so appreciated before. Everything else just came naturally, I guess. I'd hoped to return the favor and knock you out of your self destructive thoughts.' She was looking at me intently and I knew with a certainty that if I said the wrong thing she would be terribly hurt. I took it slow and tried to play it safe.
'First off, I don't think I was too drunk last night. Using my abilities too much or pushing my mind too far throws me out of whack, like I almost don't know what I'm doing and sometimes who I am. Combine that with the emotional overload and the drink and this is the final result.' Meaning me. I let her fully feel what I was feeling for a second and heard her sharp intake of breath before closing myself back down. 'I still need to know, Willow. What did we do last night?' Her eyes got wide and I thought she would cry, but then she nodded and silently showed me the images of what we'd done. Those images sparked recognition in me and it was my turn to avert my eyes. I sat in silence for a long moment as the entire scene played out before my eyes. I reveled in the idiocy that was man as I puzzled out what I could tell her that wouldn't end this badly.
'What do you want to do about this?' After what I'd done I had to make it right between us. I had to make sure we would still be friends.
'How can we not be friends?' How could she hear me? I hadn't broadcast that. 'I can hear you because we are still linked and I don't think you're controlling yourself enough to block me out yet after you pushed your feelings at me just now. As far as what we do now, why do we have to do anything? I understand how you feel about me as a friend and I know you're still in love with Buffy. A part of me wishes you weren't but I can't do anything about that and I can't expect you to change how you feel especially after feeling it myself. I love Buffy too, in my own way. But what happens between us doesn't have to concern her. This is our bond, our connection; our friendship.' She took a breath and sighed it back out. 'You know me better than anyone else in the world now. You know my feelings, you've seen my memories, everything. And I know you the same way. I know about what you've done and what you think about but don't tell anyone else. I know how you feel about me without you having to say it.' I tried to search out the depth of our link and felt her thoughts and worries, her hopes, the place on her back she itched a little bit. She was right. I didn't know how to close it down, if it could be closed down, even if I wanted to. Doing so, I could only imagine, would be like tearing myself into two pieces.
'What about your life? What about Tara?' Her eyes clouded up and I could feel how much she missed Tara.
'Well, I don't know that either. I still love her. I don't know what that makes me. I'm not straight because I still love her, and I'm not gay because I kinda love you too now. How can I not, knowing now what I know.'
'Can we stay just good friends and still share these thoughts? What does that make us?' There was a pause and then the mutual thought sparked between us with special meaning, almost impossible to explain to anyone else but each other.
'Together.' The rightness of that thought and the connection it stood for resounded through me and we just looked at each other as I realized what we had was more than what Buffy and I had had, but it would still not be all we would need. We were together, as one, but both of us needed someone else. Both of us needed someone to love.
She stood then and dropped my jacket to unselfconsciously sort through the pile of clothes for her underwear, pants, and then her socks and shoes. I didn't watch her, but I didn't need to. What point would it be when I could feel everything she felt, including her own body. She threw my pants at me and I silently thanked her to which she nodded. I waited and had the idea for a shower. She looked at me and I had no problem with her going first in so she smiled and headed past me to the bathroom. I went to the kitchen and began frying some eggs and potato hash browns. I made her eggs scrambled and with cheese, her favorite, then I salted them to her taste. All of this was a little weird; I was still getting adjusted to the bond not to mention still being out of it from the night before.
'I'm almost done.' She thought at me. I smiled as I replied, seeing what she saw as she looked into the broken mirror.
'I know.' I felt her answering smile as she dried herself off and I forced my concentration to putting the food on the counter and then poured two glasses of juice. She met me at the counter as I sat down on one of the bar stools there and she found the one next to me. We ate in silence, reveling in the simple pleasures of cold, sweet juice and near perfectly cooked eggs. I smiled as the thought came to me but before I could discard it I heard her answering chuckle and felt her amusement. Wait; was that my thought or hers? It had to be mine, it was about my past. But she knew my past now too. I realized that trying to puzzle this out would only confuse things more, better to just let it be. I felt her agree with me and then dropped the issue. I'll just say it had to do with food and a certain ex of mine that swore I couldn't cook unless it involved her body.
'So what do we do about Buffy?' I'd waited until we were done and the plates washed before I took my turn in the shower, but still wanted to try and work this out.
'I don't know. I know that she and I are still friends, and she can hardly blame us after what she and Sp-' I cut off that thought.
'Can we not think that name right now?'
'Sure. Sorry. Anyway, I think you should give her time, keep your distance.'
'I don't know what to think about her.'
'You love her. I can tell that you still love her and want to be with her. To say otherwise is to lie to yourself... and me. I know she stabbed you in the back for the second time, but just give it time; you'll see.' I paused as I thought of her face. This was important to both of us. How was Buffy going to react to Willow and I being bonded like this? How would she react to Willow knowing more about me than she would know about her own boyfriend, if we did get back together that is. I didn't want to think about it.
'So don't.' Her answer was simple, but doing it would be hard. Buffy wasn't one you could easily forget, to say the least. I did know that I would be staying here so when she was ready to talk she could find me, however long that was. Besides, I still had to protect her, didn't I?
'You should go back to the house, I'm sure she needs you too.' I was in the bedroom now pulling out a shirt and a pair of jeans from the drawer in front of me as I heard a glass break in the kitchen. I knew Willow was okay, but why did she break the glass?
'You want me to leave?' I winced at the pain in her thoughts at that idea. I walked into the living room still barefoot and walked up behind her where she was stooped over picking up pieces of glass. She stood up as I came near and allowed me to draw her into my hug.
"I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to go anywhere. But I also don't want her to be without her best friend either. She needs to figure out what she wants too. Besides, no matter where you go you're still only a thought away." I spoke aloud to show her how serious I was. She relaxed into my arms and returned the hug.
'I'm not going anywhere until I make sure you understand how worthy you are.' She pulled out of my arms and gave me a resolve face that Buffy had obviously gotten from her, she was a true master.
'We don't need to go there. You know what I've done. You know why I am this way. We do not need to talk about this.' I retreated from her, but she followed me into the bedroom as I fished for some clean socks.
'We aren't talking about this now, but we will have to eventually. I'm just gonna make sure you can't get rid of me until we do.' Her resolve face was definitely a force to be reckoned with. I closed down that part of myself, shying away from the memories she was talking about. Her eyes went wide.
'How did you do that? I can't see part of you anymore.' Her thoughts were worried and her expression clouded over. I could tell I'd hurt her just by that simple act alone. I felt her pull slightly away from me mentally as though she was afraid of what I would do next. I sat down on my bed, my arms going slack as a wave of melancholy swept up from the depths of my soul. If she didn't get it before, surely she must understand now why I wasn't worthy of a gentle touch or a caring gaze... nothing. My thoughts went to the now empty bottle sitting in my living room and the other ones like it sitting in my garbage can.
Her presence was instantly enveloping my depression with comfort and her arms came around me as she pressed herself against my back and began rocking me back and forth. I heard in my mind her continuously soothing and reassuring thoughts.
'It's okay, baby. You're okay. I'm here. Everything is going to be alright. We're fine. Don't worry, baby. It's all gonna be okay now.' I felt my body go slack and I almost gave up caring in the instant before I felt her roll us onto our sides and I curled up against her like she was a teddy bear. It was a long ten minutes before I opened my eyes and looked up into her face. She stopped her steady broadcast of comforting thoughts and met my gaze steadily, tears on her face as well.
'I told you I wasn't worth it. Do you believe me now that I've hurt you too? Now do you see why it could never work with me and Buffy? I'll only wind up hurting her too.' Her eyes cleared and I felt her get angry with that thought.
'How can you say that? Do you know how you make me feel when you do that?' She stopped for a second as she brought her anger under control. 'Do you trust me?'
'Of course.'
'With your life?'
'Yes, but my life isn't worth a whole lot.'
'Do you trust me with more than your life?'
'Absolutely.'
'Then I need you to trust in my judgment that you are worth the attentions I give you. I know you better than anyone else and you know me. Don't you think I'm a good enough judge to know when someone is worthy or not? If you don't you'll just be insulting me and I still won't leave.'
'I trust you with more than I've ever trusted anyone else with. But I also know that I can never redeem myself. I can't ever make it up enough to where I can live again and leave my men to their cold deaths.' I looked down at my hands and the scars left there by war. She held me close to her chest then, pulling me back down to her and drawing my thoughts away from the past.
'No. Those thoughts are not worthy of you, not the other way around. Ignore them and be here with me. This is good, you deserve every bit of this and more for what you've done, let alone what you're going to do.' Did she just think that or was I reliving what I'd told Buffy.
'My thoughts are for you, baby. You know that I am here for you, I'm not going anywhere.' I relaxed against her and let her mind show me the way to rest and temporary comfort. I dreamed then, and watched a fantasy me do things that could never redeem me, but could probably go a long way towards. The phantom pain that seemed real didn't bother me; my phantom deaths didn't wake me. I was calm in the knowledge that I would one day die for my sins with the fact that I had been doing good since would someday being my one small comfort in hell.
My dreams moved into a different scenario: one straight from my past. I led my men and they followed me. Into hell and back, they'd said, and if I had only realized how true that was. We were in the jungle, the maze of war, and were quietly moving through it alert for danger. Suddenly my men began disappearing one by one and there was nothing I could do. I opened fire with my weapon and sprayed lead in any direction I thought the attack was coming from. It wasn't long before all my men were gone and I was alone running through the maze of death toward I know not what. Then I was attacked by an apparition I could see as one of my men I thought dead ran toward me and waited till I got close enough to look at his wound before vamping out and trying to sink his teeth into me. As he pulled back from his repast he thanked me for letting him die so he could kill his family and have their blood be on my hands as well.
I sat up straight in my bed with cold sweat gleaming off of my face and hands. I looked around frantically and wondered where my weapon could be. I noticed I was gasping for air and tried to make myself breath normally before finally getting myself under control. I hadn't had dreams about my men in a long time, not since I had said goodbye to the Army and what I'd done. I felt warm fingers trace the curve of my shoulder and jumped as I looked down at the groggy redhead now running her fingers through my hair. I smiled as I relaxed and realized I was safe, really safe, and laid back down into her embrace and I smelled her wonderful strawberry psychic scent as she drifted me back into much more comforting dreams.
"Buf-"I had a double realization as half of her name came out of my mouth. First the images of Buffy as I had seen her last tore through my head and inspired feelings of rage and hurt. Second was the shock that the woman curled next to me on the floor was not Buffy. There was a dramatic pause as my mind got kicked into gear and the events of last night came back in almost stunning clarity. Unfortunately the pain that came with these images caused me to grab my head in agony.
"Ow." With one hand pressed to my skull, I carefully extricated myself from the woman next to me, Willow I realized, and made my way to the bathroom. Feeling the shattered pieces of glass beneath my feet made me realize I was wearing only a pair of boxers. I shook my head, instantly regretting it, at the thought of what I could have done last night. I found the bottle of pain killers and swallowed half a handful with water from the tap. I stood with both hands braced against the sink as I stared at the shattered reflection of my life; somehow it seemed appropriate. I wanted to wait there for a minute before facing the day; unfortunately I didn't get that luxury as sounds from the next room told me she'd noticed my absence.
'Where are you?' And a second later, 'There you are. Why did you leave me?' Her thoughts came in rapid succession and the images she sent me involving us told me nothing about what had happened. Quickly I finished the business that had called me here in the first place before heading out to face the music.
'How are you feeling?' I had to think about it before I could respond.
'My head hurts, and my hand too, a little, actually all of me hurts, but I've had worse days I think.' I came into the room to see her lying under my jacket she'd snagged from the pile of assorted clothes piled on the couch. Her eyes were open, but she was still lying as she was when I'd left.
'C'mere' I moved over in her direction but sat on the couch looking down at her.
'Whassa matter? You're not having second thought about what happened last night, are you?' Her thoughts took on a serious and worried tone. I regretted what was going to happen next.
'Willow, I'm not exactly sure I know what happened last night.' Her eyes grew wide and she sat up straight, clutching the jacket to her chest. If I didn't know she was almost naked before, that gesture alone spoke worlds.
"How can you not know what happened last night? You weren't that drunk. Were you? You couldn't be. Your mind was too clear for you to be drunk." Her voice was bordering on frantic. She took a breath and composed herself, holding up a hand to forestall any comment I might make until she was ready to hear it. She reached into the pile next to me and fished out her shirt which she put on while still concealing herself with my jacket. She moved almost standing up as she planted herself in the recliner behind her before looking at me again. I probed my murky memories for any clues as I waited for her to speak.
'Okay, I'm going to try and be reasonable and I'm going to try and help you puzzle out what happened with you. Will you let me in or do we have to do this the slow way?'
'I don't think I could if I wanted to. I think we need to work it out step by step if you don't mind.' She nodded and while seeming more than slightly vexed, she agreed and began where I ended.
'What was the last thing you clearly remember from last night? Show me.' I thought back and played out the scene in my mind, pushing it across to her, of Finn leaving the apartment.
'Okay. Riley wanted to make sure you were okay and he was surprised to find us drinking together. You were more than a little... unstable last night and he said that you'd rushed away while the two of you were on your mission. He didn't mention what you'd seen, but I guessed at what it was from what you told me.' She paused and looked at me; I just nodded, not wanting to think about it. 'I figured. When you got here last night, you lost control of your mind. You started throwing things across the room, the whole place was shaking, and your thoughts were being shouted in all directions. I started crying myself before I realized where it was coming from and tightened my walls against it. I had to push centering thoughts into you to force you to close your walls again.' I nodded, I remembered that part.
'Sorry about that. I guess I just got so shocked by what I'd seen that my walls cracked, emotional overload. It comes from suppressing and controlling myself for too long before one big sudden shock forces all the pent up pressure through a pin hole and everything just comes pouring out. It's the price I pay for what I can do.'
'I get that. After I got you relaxed you started drinking and I joined in after my own shock at the... thing I'd seen with your eyes. Kinda' took me by surprise too, I guess. We finished off what was left of that bottle, but you were still sounding pretty sober in my head. You started telling me you weren't worth anything and it was like this ingrained truth that was stuck in your head. It started right after you punched out the mirror. I started trying to reorganize your concentric energy fields with some massage. I think I started right before Riley got here. Anyway, you relaxed right into it and then you started a link between us.' She paused for a second and she couldn't meet my eyes. When she was focused again her thoughts came slowly, carefully, and she paused slightly between each one.
'It was the most amazing experience of my life. It was like we were the same person. I knew everything about you and you knew everything about me. But it wasn't weird or awkward at all, it just seemed... right. There weren't any reservations or miscommunication; I mean, how could there be? We were as one. I've never felt anything like it.' She stopped thinking at me, but I could hear the hum of her thoughts as she relived it to herself and then the sudden stop as she refocused on me. 'I never knew exactly what someone else thought about me. I've never felt so appreciated before. Everything else just came naturally, I guess. I'd hoped to return the favor and knock you out of your self destructive thoughts.' She was looking at me intently and I knew with a certainty that if I said the wrong thing she would be terribly hurt. I took it slow and tried to play it safe.
'First off, I don't think I was too drunk last night. Using my abilities too much or pushing my mind too far throws me out of whack, like I almost don't know what I'm doing and sometimes who I am. Combine that with the emotional overload and the drink and this is the final result.' Meaning me. I let her fully feel what I was feeling for a second and heard her sharp intake of breath before closing myself back down. 'I still need to know, Willow. What did we do last night?' Her eyes got wide and I thought she would cry, but then she nodded and silently showed me the images of what we'd done. Those images sparked recognition in me and it was my turn to avert my eyes. I sat in silence for a long moment as the entire scene played out before my eyes. I reveled in the idiocy that was man as I puzzled out what I could tell her that wouldn't end this badly.
'What do you want to do about this?' After what I'd done I had to make it right between us. I had to make sure we would still be friends.
'How can we not be friends?' How could she hear me? I hadn't broadcast that. 'I can hear you because we are still linked and I don't think you're controlling yourself enough to block me out yet after you pushed your feelings at me just now. As far as what we do now, why do we have to do anything? I understand how you feel about me as a friend and I know you're still in love with Buffy. A part of me wishes you weren't but I can't do anything about that and I can't expect you to change how you feel especially after feeling it myself. I love Buffy too, in my own way. But what happens between us doesn't have to concern her. This is our bond, our connection; our friendship.' She took a breath and sighed it back out. 'You know me better than anyone else in the world now. You know my feelings, you've seen my memories, everything. And I know you the same way. I know about what you've done and what you think about but don't tell anyone else. I know how you feel about me without you having to say it.' I tried to search out the depth of our link and felt her thoughts and worries, her hopes, the place on her back she itched a little bit. She was right. I didn't know how to close it down, if it could be closed down, even if I wanted to. Doing so, I could only imagine, would be like tearing myself into two pieces.
'What about your life? What about Tara?' Her eyes clouded up and I could feel how much she missed Tara.
'Well, I don't know that either. I still love her. I don't know what that makes me. I'm not straight because I still love her, and I'm not gay because I kinda love you too now. How can I not, knowing now what I know.'
'Can we stay just good friends and still share these thoughts? What does that make us?' There was a pause and then the mutual thought sparked between us with special meaning, almost impossible to explain to anyone else but each other.
'Together.' The rightness of that thought and the connection it stood for resounded through me and we just looked at each other as I realized what we had was more than what Buffy and I had had, but it would still not be all we would need. We were together, as one, but both of us needed someone else. Both of us needed someone to love.
She stood then and dropped my jacket to unselfconsciously sort through the pile of clothes for her underwear, pants, and then her socks and shoes. I didn't watch her, but I didn't need to. What point would it be when I could feel everything she felt, including her own body. She threw my pants at me and I silently thanked her to which she nodded. I waited and had the idea for a shower. She looked at me and I had no problem with her going first in so she smiled and headed past me to the bathroom. I went to the kitchen and began frying some eggs and potato hash browns. I made her eggs scrambled and with cheese, her favorite, then I salted them to her taste. All of this was a little weird; I was still getting adjusted to the bond not to mention still being out of it from the night before.
'I'm almost done.' She thought at me. I smiled as I replied, seeing what she saw as she looked into the broken mirror.
'I know.' I felt her answering smile as she dried herself off and I forced my concentration to putting the food on the counter and then poured two glasses of juice. She met me at the counter as I sat down on one of the bar stools there and she found the one next to me. We ate in silence, reveling in the simple pleasures of cold, sweet juice and near perfectly cooked eggs. I smiled as the thought came to me but before I could discard it I heard her answering chuckle and felt her amusement. Wait; was that my thought or hers? It had to be mine, it was about my past. But she knew my past now too. I realized that trying to puzzle this out would only confuse things more, better to just let it be. I felt her agree with me and then dropped the issue. I'll just say it had to do with food and a certain ex of mine that swore I couldn't cook unless it involved her body.
'So what do we do about Buffy?' I'd waited until we were done and the plates washed before I took my turn in the shower, but still wanted to try and work this out.
'I don't know. I know that she and I are still friends, and she can hardly blame us after what she and Sp-' I cut off that thought.
'Can we not think that name right now?'
'Sure. Sorry. Anyway, I think you should give her time, keep your distance.'
'I don't know what to think about her.'
'You love her. I can tell that you still love her and want to be with her. To say otherwise is to lie to yourself... and me. I know she stabbed you in the back for the second time, but just give it time; you'll see.' I paused as I thought of her face. This was important to both of us. How was Buffy going to react to Willow and I being bonded like this? How would she react to Willow knowing more about me than she would know about her own boyfriend, if we did get back together that is. I didn't want to think about it.
'So don't.' Her answer was simple, but doing it would be hard. Buffy wasn't one you could easily forget, to say the least. I did know that I would be staying here so when she was ready to talk she could find me, however long that was. Besides, I still had to protect her, didn't I?
'You should go back to the house, I'm sure she needs you too.' I was in the bedroom now pulling out a shirt and a pair of jeans from the drawer in front of me as I heard a glass break in the kitchen. I knew Willow was okay, but why did she break the glass?
'You want me to leave?' I winced at the pain in her thoughts at that idea. I walked into the living room still barefoot and walked up behind her where she was stooped over picking up pieces of glass. She stood up as I came near and allowed me to draw her into my hug.
"I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to go anywhere. But I also don't want her to be without her best friend either. She needs to figure out what she wants too. Besides, no matter where you go you're still only a thought away." I spoke aloud to show her how serious I was. She relaxed into my arms and returned the hug.
'I'm not going anywhere until I make sure you understand how worthy you are.' She pulled out of my arms and gave me a resolve face that Buffy had obviously gotten from her, she was a true master.
'We don't need to go there. You know what I've done. You know why I am this way. We do not need to talk about this.' I retreated from her, but she followed me into the bedroom as I fished for some clean socks.
'We aren't talking about this now, but we will have to eventually. I'm just gonna make sure you can't get rid of me until we do.' Her resolve face was definitely a force to be reckoned with. I closed down that part of myself, shying away from the memories she was talking about. Her eyes went wide.
'How did you do that? I can't see part of you anymore.' Her thoughts were worried and her expression clouded over. I could tell I'd hurt her just by that simple act alone. I felt her pull slightly away from me mentally as though she was afraid of what I would do next. I sat down on my bed, my arms going slack as a wave of melancholy swept up from the depths of my soul. If she didn't get it before, surely she must understand now why I wasn't worthy of a gentle touch or a caring gaze... nothing. My thoughts went to the now empty bottle sitting in my living room and the other ones like it sitting in my garbage can.
Her presence was instantly enveloping my depression with comfort and her arms came around me as she pressed herself against my back and began rocking me back and forth. I heard in my mind her continuously soothing and reassuring thoughts.
'It's okay, baby. You're okay. I'm here. Everything is going to be alright. We're fine. Don't worry, baby. It's all gonna be okay now.' I felt my body go slack and I almost gave up caring in the instant before I felt her roll us onto our sides and I curled up against her like she was a teddy bear. It was a long ten minutes before I opened my eyes and looked up into her face. She stopped her steady broadcast of comforting thoughts and met my gaze steadily, tears on her face as well.
'I told you I wasn't worth it. Do you believe me now that I've hurt you too? Now do you see why it could never work with me and Buffy? I'll only wind up hurting her too.' Her eyes cleared and I felt her get angry with that thought.
'How can you say that? Do you know how you make me feel when you do that?' She stopped for a second as she brought her anger under control. 'Do you trust me?'
'Of course.'
'With your life?'
'Yes, but my life isn't worth a whole lot.'
'Do you trust me with more than your life?'
'Absolutely.'
'Then I need you to trust in my judgment that you are worth the attentions I give you. I know you better than anyone else and you know me. Don't you think I'm a good enough judge to know when someone is worthy or not? If you don't you'll just be insulting me and I still won't leave.'
'I trust you with more than I've ever trusted anyone else with. But I also know that I can never redeem myself. I can't ever make it up enough to where I can live again and leave my men to their cold deaths.' I looked down at my hands and the scars left there by war. She held me close to her chest then, pulling me back down to her and drawing my thoughts away from the past.
'No. Those thoughts are not worthy of you, not the other way around. Ignore them and be here with me. This is good, you deserve every bit of this and more for what you've done, let alone what you're going to do.' Did she just think that or was I reliving what I'd told Buffy.
'My thoughts are for you, baby. You know that I am here for you, I'm not going anywhere.' I relaxed against her and let her mind show me the way to rest and temporary comfort. I dreamed then, and watched a fantasy me do things that could never redeem me, but could probably go a long way towards. The phantom pain that seemed real didn't bother me; my phantom deaths didn't wake me. I was calm in the knowledge that I would one day die for my sins with the fact that I had been doing good since would someday being my one small comfort in hell.
My dreams moved into a different scenario: one straight from my past. I led my men and they followed me. Into hell and back, they'd said, and if I had only realized how true that was. We were in the jungle, the maze of war, and were quietly moving through it alert for danger. Suddenly my men began disappearing one by one and there was nothing I could do. I opened fire with my weapon and sprayed lead in any direction I thought the attack was coming from. It wasn't long before all my men were gone and I was alone running through the maze of death toward I know not what. Then I was attacked by an apparition I could see as one of my men I thought dead ran toward me and waited till I got close enough to look at his wound before vamping out and trying to sink his teeth into me. As he pulled back from his repast he thanked me for letting him die so he could kill his family and have their blood be on my hands as well.
I sat up straight in my bed with cold sweat gleaming off of my face and hands. I looked around frantically and wondered where my weapon could be. I noticed I was gasping for air and tried to make myself breath normally before finally getting myself under control. I hadn't had dreams about my men in a long time, not since I had said goodbye to the Army and what I'd done. I felt warm fingers trace the curve of my shoulder and jumped as I looked down at the groggy redhead now running her fingers through my hair. I smiled as I relaxed and realized I was safe, really safe, and laid back down into her embrace and I smelled her wonderful strawberry psychic scent as she drifted me back into much more comforting dreams.