The morning seemed to start off simply enough; waking up next to the
woman I love in her bed with the sunlight streaming through the window
shades reassuring me that we were safe, the problems of yesterday
forgotten. She was still asleep, but sweating and with a frown on her
face, two things that were not the normal order of things. I wiped my hand
across her brow and down her cheek before stroking her hair. She was still
turned away from me on her side and I let my hand trace its way from her
hair down her shoulders to her side and wrap around her stomach as I pulled
myself close against her and tucked her head under mine. I might not have
been as tall as Finn, but Buffy was a petite woman and she fit perfectly
against me. It was my turn to frown; she seemed a little warmer than she
normally did. I kissed her cheek and then down to the side of her neck and
she gave a soft moan before cracking open her eyes. Her moan became first
a yawn and then, with an upturned note at the end, a question.
"Its morning, and unfortunately you have a shift at the dreaded Double-Meat Palace." She groans and tries to close her eyes again as she whines.
"Five more minutes." I smile, thinking back to when I used to say that. I put my lips back to her neck and start my way slowly up to her ear and I feel her shiver beneath me as my tongue finds a sensitive spot. She moans again softly as my lips move to the back of her neck and down her spine. She's enjoying my treatment of her, but she doesn't seem to want to wake up yet, so I take it as a challenge. The fingers of my right hand move the strap from her slightly loose tank top off her shoulder and my lips explore the newly available flesh as I roll her onto her back and work my way across her chest and then back up the other side of her neck. Her hand goes to the back of my head and I look up at her face to meet her lips with mine.
'You have to get up.' I kept kissing her; I couldn't help it, working my way from her neck back up to her face. Her lips met mine easily and both of her arms were now wrapped around my neck before she responded to me.
'Make me.' I grinned with my lips still pressed against her and chuckled as my fingers found her side and tickled. She squirmed against me in a very attractive way as she burst into giggles. 'You win! You win!' I stopped tickling her and smiled softly down on my love.
'Are you awake now?'
'Yes, you big meanie, I'm awake.' With a last kiss she rolled away from me and gathered her clothes before heading into the shower. I yawned and stretched before rolling out of bed myself and making it back into the scene of perfection it was the night before. I got dressed and headed downstairs to start breakfast for Dawn who came down just as I scooped the omelet onto a plate for her.
"Thanks. How was your night last night?" I raised my eyebrows at her question.
"Very nice, almost perfect." She blushed and hurried to try and correct herself.
"I meant the restaurant and the nerd hunt and stuff."
"So did I. It would have been better if we could have found them." She nodded, agreeing with me, and took a bite and then a quick sip of juice.
"It's good, hot, but good. Thanks." It seemed like I just turned around and it was gone from her plate and she was finishing her juice. She dropped the dishes into the sink and kissed me on the cheek on her way past me and out the door to the sound of Xander's car horn. I followed her to the door and made sure it was really him and waved at them as they pulled away. I made it back to the kitchen in time to flip Buffy's omelet before it burned. Her breakfast was on the plate getting cold and mine was gone before she finally made her way down the stairs. My eyes followed her motion across the room. Her movements were every bit as careful and concise as they had been the last time I'd watched her move, but something was wrong. She was slower, for one, and seemed more than a little out of it.
"You okay?"
"Fine. Why? What's going on?"
"Nothing. You just seem kind of... slow." Her eyes met mine and I detected the makings of a glare, but with none of the oomph. She sits down to poke at her breakfast a little before shaking her head as if to clear it and then began to eat in earnest.
"Wow, this is really good." I smile at her praise and obvious appreciation as it disappeared quickly; I'm not a big chef at all.
"I'm glad you like it. Are you ready to go?" She nodded and then seemed to just think of something.
"I've got to get Dawn off to school." She really was out of it.
"She's gone already; fed, and safely on her way in Xander's car." She nodded and moved to the coat rack, leaving her dishes there. I followed her out and got into the car to drive her to work. She was silent the whole way, staring out the window. I was starting to get worried now and I hoped nothing had happened to her. I wrote it off as maybe coming down with something and reminded myself to check up on her later.
"You have a good day and I'll be by to pick you up later, okay?" She smiled and nodded at me, giving me a goodbye kiss. Climbing out of the car, she walked slowly into fast food hell. I shook my head again over her decision to work there, but stopped myself from the bad vibes and sent a reassuring thought her way as I drove off. I got back to the house to find Willow coming down the stairs. Without a word we greeted each other good morning and she started cleaning the dishes while I started another omelet for her. She ate and I finished cleaning first the kitchen and then headed upstairs to clean myself up for the day. I could feel Willow's thoughts go with me and we filled each other in on minor details of our lives from the past few days. Finally I got around to asking her what she had going on today and I sensed anticipation and a little bit of nervousness.
'I'm gonna' go try and see Tara today between classes.' I decided that simple anxiety was what I was hearing and sent her a calming thought and the feelings to go with it.
'I'm sure you'll be just fine and her too.' I got dressed and headed downstairs to find her sitting in front of her laptop, but not doing anything more than drumming her fingers on the table in front of her nervously. I grinned at the image, but before I could comment she closed the monitor and stood up to pick up her bag and sling it over her shoulder. She met my eyes as she made her way to the door.
"Wish me luck?" I gave her a hug and smiled as I walked her to the door.
"Good luck." She smiled nervously and was gone. I looked around the big empty house, wondering what I was going to do today. With a sigh I knew I would do what just had to be done. An hour later I was finished with the vacuuming and the dusting and was about to start the windows when I heard the back door slam and moved to look around the corner to see Spike and a smoldering blanket littering the kitchen. He took a second to fix his appearance before making his way down the hallway toward the living room. I stepped around the corner and he stopped short, anger burning in his blue eyes.
"She's not here, Spike."
"I bloody well know that. Unfortunately I'm here to see you." He seemed almost as disgusted with the idea as I was. I decided to give him a few minutes to explain himself. Besides, if he pissed me off too badly I could always just toss him out into the sun. The idea made me grin as I led the way into the living room to make sure the blinds were closed before he followed me in. I sat down on the couch and he took a seat on the chair facing me.
"What do you want Spike?" He sat for a few seconds before answering, almost like he had to build up his courage or something.
"Look, I don't like you. I just want to make that clear."
"You came here to tell me that?"
"I love her." I stopped talking at his announcement and simply started listening. I focused in on his aura, trying to see past the surface feelings to his thoughts; and failing. All that meant, though, was he truly believed his conviction. He didn't think, he felt. I leaned forward propping my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands in front of me pasting an open expression on my face I nodded for him to continue. Throughout his entire speech he behaved erratically, alternating mostly between sitting forward, leaning back, and at times standing up to pace around the room only to sit back down again and continue with his story. He started back when he was with Dru, and how she'd left him because he was thinking about Buffy all the damned time, as he put it. He spoke of following her around and even having the Buffybot made when he couldn't have the real thing. He told me everything about her death and how he failed to stop it, but had lived up to his promise to protect Dawn. How he counted the days she was gone from his life and of his joy with her in it. Finally there came a time when he'd stopped talking and was mirroring my pose waiting for a response from me, only I had none to give.
"Spike, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you're a vampire; all of this is a little hard for me to believe right off the bat. How can you say you love her? She kills your kind; she would have killed you if she had the chance." I leaned back against the couch and sighed as I processed what he'd told me and what I was going to do about it. "Why are you telling me this, Spike? Do you think I'm going to help you? I love her Spike. For the first time in years I've found someone who really deserves as much as I have to give and more. You don't really think I'm going to give her up because of what you've told me, do you? Everyone's got their own sob story." He leaned back cocking his head to the side.
"I'm dead, mate, the sobbing is over. God, I should have killed her so long ago, I wouldn't be in this mess." That was enough of that. I stood up, stepped over the coffee table, and slugged him a good one on the chin knocking him back over the chair and down.
"Don't ever say that. You love her but you wished you'd killed her? What kind of crap is that, you sick son of a bitch. Now, I don't know why you thought you'd come over here and tell me all of this to make me feel sorry for you, but it won't work. I've come through too much, and dealt with more than enough for a man of my years, to sit hear and listen to your line of crap. Now get off the floor and sit down." I stepped back and let him get up on his own and defiantly try and stay standing in front of the chair I'd picked back up so I pushed him down into it and stood over him for a second before moving back to the couch and sitting down myself.
"I am not going to allow you to talk like that about her. You say you love her, but that doesn't stop you from lying to her, trying to get her drunk, and then trying to beat her up and mess with her mind. You say you love her but you knew how torn up she was when she came back and you tore her down even further. You told her she was dark, that she'd come back wrong. Instead of trying to help her fix her life, you told her that her friends would never understand her, they'd never fully accept her, especially if they knew the 'truth'. She told me all I need to know. That's not real love, Spike. You want to tell me you love her, you better be willing to back it up and prove it. I will stand you tall before the man." I shook my head trying to pull myself out of soldier mode. Would I ever stop quoting that movie? I realized I was looking at Spike as if he was one of my wayward troops; someone who'd messed up without really understanding why or how. This was a cold blooded killer, I reminded myself; just like me.
"The sobbing doesn't end when you die."
"How the bloody hell would you know?"
"I died once; rode the flat line for a good ten minutes before they brought me right back to the hell hole I was in at the time." I chuckled and shook my head. "Got a promotion and a god damned medal for that crap." I thought back to the next day and the new and romantic meaning I thought I'd seen in the world... until the mine went off under my buddy's foot and really woke me back up to the harsh reality; life is pain. I looked up to see Spike watching me and pulled myself back to the present problem.
"What do you want from her, Spike? What do you want from me?"
"I want all of her. I want her love. And from you I want only death. If I can't have her, I don't want anything." His mooning reminded me of high school puppy love, so ready to throw their lives away for someone they won't even keep in touch with after graduation. I stood and pulled him up by the collar dragging him to the door and opening it to let the light in. I held him right outside the beam and put my face directly in front of his.
"If you want death, you've come to the right place. But you'd better mean it." I yanked him between me and the light letting him start smoking and trying to get away before shoving him back into the shadow and onto his back. "The only thing stopping me from helping you out of this world is not wanting to seem petty for killing the guy who screwed my girlfriend, too cliché. Unlike some people, I don't want to lie to Buffy." I closed the door and shoved him back in the direction of the kitchen. "Try your luck with me next time and I'll be more than happy to get rid of another bloodsucker." I let him pick up the blanket and watched him glaring at me as he opened the door and ran out into the sun. I stood there for a minute looking after him wondering how long I could have kept killing him a secret before shaking my head; I would have had to vacuum again.
"Its morning, and unfortunately you have a shift at the dreaded Double-Meat Palace." She groans and tries to close her eyes again as she whines.
"Five more minutes." I smile, thinking back to when I used to say that. I put my lips back to her neck and start my way slowly up to her ear and I feel her shiver beneath me as my tongue finds a sensitive spot. She moans again softly as my lips move to the back of her neck and down her spine. She's enjoying my treatment of her, but she doesn't seem to want to wake up yet, so I take it as a challenge. The fingers of my right hand move the strap from her slightly loose tank top off her shoulder and my lips explore the newly available flesh as I roll her onto her back and work my way across her chest and then back up the other side of her neck. Her hand goes to the back of my head and I look up at her face to meet her lips with mine.
'You have to get up.' I kept kissing her; I couldn't help it, working my way from her neck back up to her face. Her lips met mine easily and both of her arms were now wrapped around my neck before she responded to me.
'Make me.' I grinned with my lips still pressed against her and chuckled as my fingers found her side and tickled. She squirmed against me in a very attractive way as she burst into giggles. 'You win! You win!' I stopped tickling her and smiled softly down on my love.
'Are you awake now?'
'Yes, you big meanie, I'm awake.' With a last kiss she rolled away from me and gathered her clothes before heading into the shower. I yawned and stretched before rolling out of bed myself and making it back into the scene of perfection it was the night before. I got dressed and headed downstairs to start breakfast for Dawn who came down just as I scooped the omelet onto a plate for her.
"Thanks. How was your night last night?" I raised my eyebrows at her question.
"Very nice, almost perfect." She blushed and hurried to try and correct herself.
"I meant the restaurant and the nerd hunt and stuff."
"So did I. It would have been better if we could have found them." She nodded, agreeing with me, and took a bite and then a quick sip of juice.
"It's good, hot, but good. Thanks." It seemed like I just turned around and it was gone from her plate and she was finishing her juice. She dropped the dishes into the sink and kissed me on the cheek on her way past me and out the door to the sound of Xander's car horn. I followed her to the door and made sure it was really him and waved at them as they pulled away. I made it back to the kitchen in time to flip Buffy's omelet before it burned. Her breakfast was on the plate getting cold and mine was gone before she finally made her way down the stairs. My eyes followed her motion across the room. Her movements were every bit as careful and concise as they had been the last time I'd watched her move, but something was wrong. She was slower, for one, and seemed more than a little out of it.
"You okay?"
"Fine. Why? What's going on?"
"Nothing. You just seem kind of... slow." Her eyes met mine and I detected the makings of a glare, but with none of the oomph. She sits down to poke at her breakfast a little before shaking her head as if to clear it and then began to eat in earnest.
"Wow, this is really good." I smile at her praise and obvious appreciation as it disappeared quickly; I'm not a big chef at all.
"I'm glad you like it. Are you ready to go?" She nodded and then seemed to just think of something.
"I've got to get Dawn off to school." She really was out of it.
"She's gone already; fed, and safely on her way in Xander's car." She nodded and moved to the coat rack, leaving her dishes there. I followed her out and got into the car to drive her to work. She was silent the whole way, staring out the window. I was starting to get worried now and I hoped nothing had happened to her. I wrote it off as maybe coming down with something and reminded myself to check up on her later.
"You have a good day and I'll be by to pick you up later, okay?" She smiled and nodded at me, giving me a goodbye kiss. Climbing out of the car, she walked slowly into fast food hell. I shook my head again over her decision to work there, but stopped myself from the bad vibes and sent a reassuring thought her way as I drove off. I got back to the house to find Willow coming down the stairs. Without a word we greeted each other good morning and she started cleaning the dishes while I started another omelet for her. She ate and I finished cleaning first the kitchen and then headed upstairs to clean myself up for the day. I could feel Willow's thoughts go with me and we filled each other in on minor details of our lives from the past few days. Finally I got around to asking her what she had going on today and I sensed anticipation and a little bit of nervousness.
'I'm gonna' go try and see Tara today between classes.' I decided that simple anxiety was what I was hearing and sent her a calming thought and the feelings to go with it.
'I'm sure you'll be just fine and her too.' I got dressed and headed downstairs to find her sitting in front of her laptop, but not doing anything more than drumming her fingers on the table in front of her nervously. I grinned at the image, but before I could comment she closed the monitor and stood up to pick up her bag and sling it over her shoulder. She met my eyes as she made her way to the door.
"Wish me luck?" I gave her a hug and smiled as I walked her to the door.
"Good luck." She smiled nervously and was gone. I looked around the big empty house, wondering what I was going to do today. With a sigh I knew I would do what just had to be done. An hour later I was finished with the vacuuming and the dusting and was about to start the windows when I heard the back door slam and moved to look around the corner to see Spike and a smoldering blanket littering the kitchen. He took a second to fix his appearance before making his way down the hallway toward the living room. I stepped around the corner and he stopped short, anger burning in his blue eyes.
"She's not here, Spike."
"I bloody well know that. Unfortunately I'm here to see you." He seemed almost as disgusted with the idea as I was. I decided to give him a few minutes to explain himself. Besides, if he pissed me off too badly I could always just toss him out into the sun. The idea made me grin as I led the way into the living room to make sure the blinds were closed before he followed me in. I sat down on the couch and he took a seat on the chair facing me.
"What do you want Spike?" He sat for a few seconds before answering, almost like he had to build up his courage or something.
"Look, I don't like you. I just want to make that clear."
"You came here to tell me that?"
"I love her." I stopped talking at his announcement and simply started listening. I focused in on his aura, trying to see past the surface feelings to his thoughts; and failing. All that meant, though, was he truly believed his conviction. He didn't think, he felt. I leaned forward propping my elbows on my knees and clasping my hands in front of me pasting an open expression on my face I nodded for him to continue. Throughout his entire speech he behaved erratically, alternating mostly between sitting forward, leaning back, and at times standing up to pace around the room only to sit back down again and continue with his story. He started back when he was with Dru, and how she'd left him because he was thinking about Buffy all the damned time, as he put it. He spoke of following her around and even having the Buffybot made when he couldn't have the real thing. He told me everything about her death and how he failed to stop it, but had lived up to his promise to protect Dawn. How he counted the days she was gone from his life and of his joy with her in it. Finally there came a time when he'd stopped talking and was mirroring my pose waiting for a response from me, only I had none to give.
"Spike, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you're a vampire; all of this is a little hard for me to believe right off the bat. How can you say you love her? She kills your kind; she would have killed you if she had the chance." I leaned back against the couch and sighed as I processed what he'd told me and what I was going to do about it. "Why are you telling me this, Spike? Do you think I'm going to help you? I love her Spike. For the first time in years I've found someone who really deserves as much as I have to give and more. You don't really think I'm going to give her up because of what you've told me, do you? Everyone's got their own sob story." He leaned back cocking his head to the side.
"I'm dead, mate, the sobbing is over. God, I should have killed her so long ago, I wouldn't be in this mess." That was enough of that. I stood up, stepped over the coffee table, and slugged him a good one on the chin knocking him back over the chair and down.
"Don't ever say that. You love her but you wished you'd killed her? What kind of crap is that, you sick son of a bitch. Now, I don't know why you thought you'd come over here and tell me all of this to make me feel sorry for you, but it won't work. I've come through too much, and dealt with more than enough for a man of my years, to sit hear and listen to your line of crap. Now get off the floor and sit down." I stepped back and let him get up on his own and defiantly try and stay standing in front of the chair I'd picked back up so I pushed him down into it and stood over him for a second before moving back to the couch and sitting down myself.
"I am not going to allow you to talk like that about her. You say you love her, but that doesn't stop you from lying to her, trying to get her drunk, and then trying to beat her up and mess with her mind. You say you love her but you knew how torn up she was when she came back and you tore her down even further. You told her she was dark, that she'd come back wrong. Instead of trying to help her fix her life, you told her that her friends would never understand her, they'd never fully accept her, especially if they knew the 'truth'. She told me all I need to know. That's not real love, Spike. You want to tell me you love her, you better be willing to back it up and prove it. I will stand you tall before the man." I shook my head trying to pull myself out of soldier mode. Would I ever stop quoting that movie? I realized I was looking at Spike as if he was one of my wayward troops; someone who'd messed up without really understanding why or how. This was a cold blooded killer, I reminded myself; just like me.
"The sobbing doesn't end when you die."
"How the bloody hell would you know?"
"I died once; rode the flat line for a good ten minutes before they brought me right back to the hell hole I was in at the time." I chuckled and shook my head. "Got a promotion and a god damned medal for that crap." I thought back to the next day and the new and romantic meaning I thought I'd seen in the world... until the mine went off under my buddy's foot and really woke me back up to the harsh reality; life is pain. I looked up to see Spike watching me and pulled myself back to the present problem.
"What do you want from her, Spike? What do you want from me?"
"I want all of her. I want her love. And from you I want only death. If I can't have her, I don't want anything." His mooning reminded me of high school puppy love, so ready to throw their lives away for someone they won't even keep in touch with after graduation. I stood and pulled him up by the collar dragging him to the door and opening it to let the light in. I held him right outside the beam and put my face directly in front of his.
"If you want death, you've come to the right place. But you'd better mean it." I yanked him between me and the light letting him start smoking and trying to get away before shoving him back into the shadow and onto his back. "The only thing stopping me from helping you out of this world is not wanting to seem petty for killing the guy who screwed my girlfriend, too cliché. Unlike some people, I don't want to lie to Buffy." I closed the door and shoved him back in the direction of the kitchen. "Try your luck with me next time and I'll be more than happy to get rid of another bloodsucker." I let him pick up the blanket and watched him glaring at me as he opened the door and ran out into the sun. I stood there for a minute looking after him wondering how long I could have kept killing him a secret before shaking my head; I would have had to vacuum again.