For the second time I went to meet Buffy at work and she wasn't
there. I spoke with her manager, a blond with a five year pin on her
shirt. She told me that Buffy had left early because she looked like she
wasn't feeling well. She'd been moving slow all day and was bringing down
the entire team. We talked for a good fifteen minutes, mostly about Buffy.
I left and took the most direct route back to her house but didn't see her
on the way. I got to the house to find Xander's car in the driveway and
pulled up to run inside to find the girls sitting at the table and Xander
with his back to me.
"Hey, we all screw up." Buffy saw me before the others and her comment touched me. As long as she knew she'd screwed up there wasn't much point on me dwelling on it. I came up behind Xander and put my hand on his shoulder.
"It's good to see you, man. Are you alright?" He nodded and his voice was still emotional when he told me that yes he was fine, but he still couldn't find Anya. I nodded and he left to go look for her. I told him to call me if he needed me, even if it was just for a drink. I was still trying to be there for him even though he wasn't the friendliest guy when we'd met. We weren't the best of friends but we talked sometimes and he recognized I was here to help Buffy. My attentions turned next to Buffy sitting at the table looking like her usual self, but she didn't feel like herself in my head.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm okay." I didn't bring up her leaving work early, but I knew I wasn't going to let her work tomorrow. Shortly I left to go pick up Dawn from school and I took her to the hardware store to get some supplies for a school project she had coming up. She'd told me about it on the way home and I made the detour to help her out. We ended up working on it the rest of the day as Buffy caught up on some sleep. I checked on her mentally every few minutes while I worked and she seemed to be having some very strange dreams, something about an institution. I tried to redirect her thoughts to more pleasant dreams and felt her murmur and roll over in her sleep but stay in the same mental track. Dawn and I finished up her project in time for dinner: Chinese. Buffy ate dinner quietly, but she did eat it all, and then she insisted on going patrolling. Knowing better than to try and argue I simply tagged along.
I cheated a little bit, though. I opened my walls and spread myself looking for mental images of fear (victims) or hunger (vampires) but wisely limited my search to the graveyard. I got a hit coming from the west wall and turned to Buffy telling her that we should split up. At her nod I headed off to deal with the threat I didn't want her to try to meet in her condition, whatever it was. I found them easily enough; two vampires had a high school aged girl cornered between them. They were pretty easy opponents and neither of them had a real clue of what they were doing. I told the girl to run home and watch her shortcuts at night from now on before hurrying back to find Buffy. I was surprised to find Spike face to face with Xander and Willow trying to get between them. My attention went from their altercation to Buffy in a second as she doubled over. I was at her side, my mind reaching out to hers and pulled back at the sharp pain of her vision. I realized it was the same as her dreams before and the pain was similar to the other night when she'd been attacked.
"Guys, I need to get her home." Xander looked up at me from his follow through after punching Spike. Willow's attention immediately moved from the fight to me and even Spike looked up from the ground. I picked her up and Willow was instantly at my side.
"Buffy! Are you okay?" I shook my head and tried to push through to Willow the feelings Buffy was going through as she fell back into her nightmare vision. Willow's worry was enough to motivate her to get Xander moving as well. We left Spike there as we hurried towards my car.
"I'm okay, guys, really." I didn't believe it and she knew it as she quit fighting my hold on her as we kept moving. Behind us Spike had picked up his bag and called after us to put some ice on her neck, she liked that. I stopped suddenly, Xander bumping into my back, as I turned around to pin him with a glare.
"I know." I turned and kept walking as Xander yelled out to Spike that she was our friend and that we'd take care of her. I ignored them, leaving both of them with a fast pace to my car where I placed her gently into the passenger seat. Willow rode in Xander's car as we rushed back to Buffy's house. She was quiet, but kept trying to assure me she was okay; I was having none of it. I was convinced her illness and her visions were connected to her attack. We got her to the house and I helped her walk through the front door, Xander and Willow right behind us and Willow going directly to the kitchen to get Buffy some ice water.
"I've been having these flashes, hallucinations I guess."
"Since when?" Willow asked as she handed Buffy the glass and then took a place next to Xander on the couch. I looked down at Dawn from my place behind Buffy's chair, my hands on its back as Buffy told of her attack and being poked by the demon.
"And when you say poked?" Xander added a hand motion to his question and I glared at him as Buffy answered.
"In the arm." She went on with her eyes downcast as she spoke of the mental institute her visions told her she was in. She met Dawn's eyes when she came to the part with her Mom and Dad being there together. I could tell it was hard on both of them. She got to the part about how convincingly real it had felt and Willow jumped up with a vote for research. Xander got the demon bars and Dawn was going to help Willow check for stuff on the internet. Willow glanced at me feeling my resolve to not leave Buffy's side and didn't say anything but nodded at me. The group split up leaving us alone. I took the unsipped from glass from Buffy's hand and picked her up to arrange her more comfortably on the couch ignoring her protests that she could do it for herself. I sat at the end with her head pillowed in my lap and began broadcasting a mantra I called the 'logic of numbers' because all it consists of is counting as high as you can mentally. It works for reassuring yourself that things are real.
She didn't fall asleep but just lay there against me with her fingers entwined with mine. Finally I had to get up and use the bathroom and Willow stopped me on the way back with her print out of the demon from Buffy's description. I nodded, that looked like it to me. She followed me into the living room where Buffy'd picked up a picture with her mom and dad in it and was curled up with it on the couch. I moved back to my place by her head and wrapped my arms around her as Willow showed her the picture. Buffy agreed that it was our demon and Willow told of how it carried the antidote to its own venom.
"I feel so lost." Her voice was quiet... scared. I pushed reassuring and stabilizing emotions her way and felt her respond as she pulled herself tighter against me. I looked significantly at Willow as she spoke of how detached she'd been, but Willow was looking at Buffy. I stroked her hair and then rubbed her back as she told us about her time in an institution back in L.A. after she'd seen her first vampire. My heart wrenched sideways as she told of her parents willingly putting her into it and then forgetting it had even happened.
"God, that's horrible." was Willow's understatement.
"What if I'm still there?" She was crying now and I resisted the urge to try and shake her out of it and just pulled her as tight as I could against me. "What if I never left that clinic?" Her eyes were on mine now and they asked the question deeper than the one voiced: was I even real?
"You are not in an institution. You are here. With me. And I'm not going anywhere." She wiped her tears and nodded half heartedly. Willow took that opportunity to break in and reassure Buffy that she was going to get that antidote. She told Buffy that Xander was hunting the demon right now and they'd have it in no time. Buffy was worried that the demon was too strong for Xander and I wondered why Willow hadn't asked me to go with him, but she told Buffy that they'd gotten other help. I didn't have to ask who, I knew it was Spike and I ignored the idea of him helping us out only because Buffy needed it. Willow went back to the kitchen and shortly I picked up Buffy in both arms and carried her up the stairs to her bed. I curled myself around her, resting her head against my arm, and connected my mind to hers trying to convince her that this was real. We were connected like that when the next vision hit her and I got sucked into her fantasy world.
I looked around, amazed at the clarity of the images around me. The white halls and the nurses and doctors moving through them are just what I would picture one of these places being like. I walked to the door next to me and cracked it open to see a bed with tie downs for arms and legs, a table, and a figure curled in on herself in the corner. I came around the edge of the bed, sure from her haircut that it was her.
"Buffy. I'm here for you." I moved to take her in my arms and she reflexively fought me off before looking up into my face and freezing. "Buffy, it's me. I made it through to your hallucination. I'm here for you." I waited for realization from her but she looked at me lost and confused.
"You're here. You can't be here unless you're real. And if you're real than I put you in my dreams. Be nice to me or I'll take you out of my dreams." The sincerity of her comment shocked me into silence. I tried to wrap my arms around her and lend her strength but she shrugged me off again and I pulled back slightly and found myself back in my body with my arms around her. I looked down to find her looking up at me.
"I was there, I saw that place Buffy. Trust me, it's not real." The clarity had almost convinced ME it was real, but I couldn't let her know that.
"It's not real." Her voice was quiet and lacked resolve, but I couldn't push the issue. I held her and rocked with her, supporting her as much as I could. A quiet knock on the door gave way to Dawn bringing tea for her sister. She sat on the bed and they shared a quiet conversation while I tried to puzzle out how to protect her from her next vision. I felt her flash into one beside me and there was no way for me to follow her in. I flailed around in her head searching for her link into the hallucination but pulled back as she blinked and looked back up into Dawn's eyes.
"I'm not even there, am I?" Dawn stood up with tears tracing down her face and retreated a step from the bed. "It's your perfect reality and I'm not even there." Buffy grabbed her head with both hands and I broke into their conversation.
"I'm sure she didn't mean that." Dawn looked from me back to her sister and ran out saying she had to finish her chores. I pulled Buffy close to me as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve leaving mascara marks. I kept my arms around her as I heard sounds of a scuffle echo through the silent house late that night. I traced Willow's thoughts to see her break the spine off the demon's arm and, leaving spike downstairs, sent Xander to the Magic Box for supplies. I turned my attention back to Buffy's mind and went back to anchoring her here in this world with me. I was worried that if I followed her in again she'd see me as even more of a figment than she already did. She slowly drifted to sleep and I concentrated on the light switch, flooding the room with darkness. I didn't get a single wink of sleep that night but hadn't moved by the time Willow came in to wake Buffy up with her antidote. I finally pulled myself away from her to use the facilities and came back to find Spike making some comments in a tone I just didn't appreciate.
"- or I will." I stepped up behind him and he almost walked into me.
"You will what, Spike?" I saw a flash of surprise and what I hoped was fear as I grabbed both his lapels in one hand and forcibly dragged him from the room and against a wall. "You'll bleed on me?" I dragged him down the stairs, through the kitchen and threw him down into the basement. I came down more slowly, observing the demon still chained up against the pillar.
"What the hell are you doing? I helped you."
"No, you helped her. And I do appreciate that. But I told you once before, Spike." I was on the basement floor now and looked into his eyes. "I won't let you, or anyone else, talk to her or about her like you just did. Seeing as I brought you a little closer to God the last time we had this discussion, I'm wondering just what I have to do to make sure you remember this conversation next time you open your mouth around her." I swung with a right I made sure he saw and blocked only to jab with my left, feeling his nose break; a very satisfying feeling.
"Good luck, mate. Compared to the Slayer, you're a bloody amateur." He had bent at the waist and spoke with his hand clutching his nose and muffling his words. I smiled as I brought my knee up against his face and then followed with a left to his temple, knocking him down to his side. A solid kick to his ribs made me feel a lot better and I stopped.
"If we do have to have this conversation again, I will kill you." I left him there in the eyes of the demon and made my way up the stairs. I stopped Willow and asked her about the antidote.
"It should kick in almost instantly. She should be fine in about ten minutes." I thanked her and told her I'd be taking a walk after I told Buffy where I was going. She nodded and put her hand on my shoulder before letting me make my way upstairs. I tapped on the door and waited for her to look up at me before making my way to her bedside.
"I'm gonna go take a walk and cool down before I kill Spike. Are you okay here?" I noticed her cup was empty and she nodded at me before I leaned forward to kiss her cheek and then stood up. I walked out with a single glance at her before making my way back down the stairs and out the front door. I'm not sure how far I walked before I convinced myself I'd done the right thing by not killing my very blond problem. I made it back to the house but it seemed too quiet. My thoughts were to stop by the kitchen for some water before heading upstairs to check on Buffy. Those plans were canceled when I heard sounds of a fight going on down in the basement. Initially I held back, thinking someone else was just beating up on Spike or they were finally hauling out the demon. When I saw Willow getting knocked to the ground by the demon and Xander sprawled sideways I reacted. I jumped down to the floor and immediately joined the fray. My mind cataloged seemingly random items strewn across the floor including rope and duct tape. I kicked the demon, knocking it against the wall and glanced beneath the stairs to see Buffy curled up hugging her knees to her chest.
"Buffy, help me." I barely got it out before I was knocked down myself. I rolled out of the way of the demon's next blow and tried to get to my feet again without running into or over Tara, Dawn, or Willow. Next thing I know the Slayer, and she was all Slayer, is standing in front of the demon for a second just looking at it before kicking it across the room. A few more blows including some while holding it up and finally finishing up with a straight fist into the flesh of its chest. The demon fell back clutching the hole in its chest as Buffy just looked down at the goop on her hand. I looked around and saw a towel next to me and grabbed it as I stood up to meet her. I wrapped her hand in the towel and my arms around her.
"Thank you." She looked up at me as I spoke and I saw that her Slayer aspect was gone to be replaced again with the worried girl she'd been a few minutes ago. "For coming back to me." I crushed her against my chest and then let her go to face her other friends.
"I'm so sorry." It came out as more of a whisper, but everyone heard her. I put my hands on her shoulders as Xander reassured her that we were all okay, it was all okay. Willow wanted her to sit down, but Buffy wouldn't until she got more of the antidote. I supported her as we made our way up the stairs and did convince her to sit down on the couch with me. Willow came up last, after making sure Tara was okay, with the spine from the demon's other arm and headed out to do more concocting with Tara following her. Xander checked on Dawn and got some ice for one of her bruises as he brought me water for Buffy. We stayed in the living room talking, trying to keep Buffy with us and a part of the conversation. I probed for her connection to the delusions and did find one last one of a doctor shining his light into Buffy's eyes, but she was here with us and wasn't even there to see it.
Willow came back quickly with the liquid for Buffy to drink and we all watched her guzzle it down eagerly and wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. Willow immediately asked her how she felt, but I think Buffy was just concentrating on not puking first before answering her friend. It wasn't long before she was both clearer and drowsier. I carried her again up the stairs to her bed and took off her shoes before tucking her beneath her covers. I sat there on the side of her bed with her facing the window and rubbed her back until she slipped into a peaceful sleep before closing the door quietly behind me and making my way back down the stairs. Dawn said she was going upstairs to her room and I hugged her as she passed me. Xander, Willow and Tara were sitting on the couch talking quietly, but there was something I had to say.
"Tara, would you mind giving us a moment? I'll come into the kitchen in a second to thank you." She nodded and rose from Willow's side to cross in front of the coffee table and make her way past me with a nervous smile to the kitchen. I took a breath and looked down at the puzzled faces of Willow and Xander.
"I don't know how else to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm disappointed in both of you. I don't know how you could let this get so out of hand." Willow's face fell and Xander started getting a little angry.
"Now hold on just a minute."
"I'm not done!" I kept my voice quiet, but I still knew how to shut people up when I had something to say. "Xander I know you've been going through your own problems with Anya, but you had a responsibility to your friend who you helped bring back from the grave. Did you really think that some pizza would just automatically fix her as soon as she got back?" He seemed slightly shocked now and I could hear his thought of 'how did he know that?' without trying. "Hello, psychic over here. I've got two different angles on that moment. None of you were sure of what to do and that's understandable, but Dawn was the most level headed of all of you and you didn't listen to her. It's like you thought that as soon as she came back everything would be okay again and you were free to move on to your other problems." I took a breathing pause and Xander decided he didn't have a response to what I'd said so I turned from him to Willow.
"What about me?"
"You know how I feel, I'm disappointed in you. Yes you came through in the clutch today and yesterday with the science but what about the day before that. Did you know she'd been hurt? Did you ask her? Did you even think about asking her? I know you didn't, but I wanted you to realize it." I looked from one to the other and continued on my next sore spot with both of them. "Ever since I got here she's had more and more pressure put on her to be normal, to act like nothing had happened, to get on with life. I saw how she was about to be overwhelmed the first day I was here and she was about to walk out on your little conversation with Giles. Believe me if he was here I'd be talking to him too. For best friends you two have been thoroughly engrossed in your own problems, which she helped both of you with by the way, without supporting her through hers." Looking at Willow again I thought of another subject I'd waited on broaching.
"Will, how long have you been staying here in her house? Have you helped out with the bills or the mortgage? Buffy's working fast food..." I let the words sink in. "The Slayer is saving the world and putting up with your crap for minimum wage!" I took a breath and sat down in the chair, both of their faces looking at me in rapt attention waiting for the next piece of truth to hit them. "You both are making more money than you need while she barely scrapes by every month. I know she's too proud to accept it, but have you even tried or let her know it's there if she needs it? I'm not asking for the world here, people, and she isn't asking for herself." I sat there silently debating with myself if I should tell them the next part and in the end I decided to try. I looked up from my hands and let my face show how I really felt, worried and hurt.
"Do you have any idea what it means to be brought back? This world is a harsh place on a good day, bright lights, cold things, hot things; everything hurts. I know, I had to do it once myself." I paused and let that sink in for a second.
"How did you..." Xander's question faded away as I looked at him.
"I rode the flat line; you know what that means, for more than ten minutes. I felt myself fade away and I knew that I was... complete. I had done my work in this world and could finally rest. They brought me back and I woke instantly to see them working on me, putting me back together, and I was pissed. I started thrashing around on the table and they had to hold me down and sedate me before they finished bringing me back into hell. I convinced myself it was better to be alive with all the good I could still do in the world, but that was before I knew what real hell was." I shook my head to clear it of the memories. Willow had her hand to her face as she'd seen what I had, but Xander's was just shamed into silence. I really didn't mean to put all of this on them along with everything else they'd already been through in the past few weeks, but I wanted them to see what they were doing to her.
"I don't think I can even describe to you the peace I felt before they ripped me back. I mean, how can you tell someone what a strawberry tastes like if they've never tasted a strawberry? It was... perfect. It was my time and I knew it. I could release everything and move on. I gotta tell you, I can't imagine doing it twice." I stood up again and paced around the back of the chair a few times.
"I have to get her out of here and away from this." I stopped and turned to both of them. "I'm taking her on vacation." Their eyes widened and then their faces firmed up and Willow nodded at me as they realized I was right on all counts. I didn't notice Dawn had come down the stairs and had heard part of my little speech. She did have one comment to make.
"What about me, am I just supposed to stay here with Willow and go out with Xander?" I turned to the sound of her voice and made a split second decision that just seemed right.
"How'd you like to come with us? Keep in mind it's supposed to be a calming trip, an escape from stress." She nodded, her indignant face becoming her eager and excited face in a split second.
"I can totally do that. No problem. I'm gonna go start packing right now." She ran back up the stairs disappearing from my sight. I hoped she'd be quiet enough not to wake her sister and a quick thought verified that Buffy still slumbered peacefully. I turned my attention back to the two in front of me.
"We'll leave on Friday after Dawn gets out of school and take most of the week off. I'd appreciate it if you guys could show her more support when we get back, but I know you'll do what you think is right. If you have any problems you can't handle I'll have my phone or you could always beat Spike into helping you." They were both still silent and I sat there for a minute waiting for them to make some kind of comment. When none were forthcoming I excused myself to head into the kitchen to find Tara sitting nervously at the counter with a glass of water in front of her.
"Sorry it took so long, I had to get a few things off my mind."
"I heard. I can understand where you're coming from; I just wonder if you were too harsh with them. They're her friends too."
"That is precisely why they should have noticed this before I did. You saw what she did today. She was ready to walk away from everything here in hopes of a normal supportive life with her parents even if they thought she had been insane. She would have killed you and the others including her own sister to do it; to get away. That kind of thing doesn't just happen in a day." I stopped and calmed myself down. I'd tried to stay away from that subject for as long as possible and had refrained from rubbing Willow's and Xander's noses in that particular piece of evidence. I looked up at Tara's face and remembered why I was here.
"I think you did the right thing letting them know how you feel about what's happened."
"Thank you. That's why I came in here, actually; to thank you for being there for Buffy when she needed you. It means a lot to me that she had someone she could go to for help." She nodded.
"I'm just glad I could help. I'd better get in there to talk with Willow before I leave." I nodded myself and watched her leave. I sat there in the silence, sunlight still streaming through the windows reminding me it was only afternoon. Something inside me couldn't bring myself to care about that, judging by how tired I felt. I stood up and made my way to the base of the stairs where I told the assembled party that I was heading up to get some sleep, not caring they'd know I'd be sleeping in the room with Buffy, before slowly trudging my way up the stairs to her bedroom door. I listened for a second to the blissful silence before quietly making my way in and to her bed where I took off my shoes and over shirt before crawling under the covers with her. I had just gotten comfortable when her arm found mine clutching herself against my chest in her sleep. I smiled and closed my eyes as temporary peaceful oblivion claimed me.
"Hey, we all screw up." Buffy saw me before the others and her comment touched me. As long as she knew she'd screwed up there wasn't much point on me dwelling on it. I came up behind Xander and put my hand on his shoulder.
"It's good to see you, man. Are you alright?" He nodded and his voice was still emotional when he told me that yes he was fine, but he still couldn't find Anya. I nodded and he left to go look for her. I told him to call me if he needed me, even if it was just for a drink. I was still trying to be there for him even though he wasn't the friendliest guy when we'd met. We weren't the best of friends but we talked sometimes and he recognized I was here to help Buffy. My attentions turned next to Buffy sitting at the table looking like her usual self, but she didn't feel like herself in my head.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm okay." I didn't bring up her leaving work early, but I knew I wasn't going to let her work tomorrow. Shortly I left to go pick up Dawn from school and I took her to the hardware store to get some supplies for a school project she had coming up. She'd told me about it on the way home and I made the detour to help her out. We ended up working on it the rest of the day as Buffy caught up on some sleep. I checked on her mentally every few minutes while I worked and she seemed to be having some very strange dreams, something about an institution. I tried to redirect her thoughts to more pleasant dreams and felt her murmur and roll over in her sleep but stay in the same mental track. Dawn and I finished up her project in time for dinner: Chinese. Buffy ate dinner quietly, but she did eat it all, and then she insisted on going patrolling. Knowing better than to try and argue I simply tagged along.
I cheated a little bit, though. I opened my walls and spread myself looking for mental images of fear (victims) or hunger (vampires) but wisely limited my search to the graveyard. I got a hit coming from the west wall and turned to Buffy telling her that we should split up. At her nod I headed off to deal with the threat I didn't want her to try to meet in her condition, whatever it was. I found them easily enough; two vampires had a high school aged girl cornered between them. They were pretty easy opponents and neither of them had a real clue of what they were doing. I told the girl to run home and watch her shortcuts at night from now on before hurrying back to find Buffy. I was surprised to find Spike face to face with Xander and Willow trying to get between them. My attention went from their altercation to Buffy in a second as she doubled over. I was at her side, my mind reaching out to hers and pulled back at the sharp pain of her vision. I realized it was the same as her dreams before and the pain was similar to the other night when she'd been attacked.
"Guys, I need to get her home." Xander looked up at me from his follow through after punching Spike. Willow's attention immediately moved from the fight to me and even Spike looked up from the ground. I picked her up and Willow was instantly at my side.
"Buffy! Are you okay?" I shook my head and tried to push through to Willow the feelings Buffy was going through as she fell back into her nightmare vision. Willow's worry was enough to motivate her to get Xander moving as well. We left Spike there as we hurried towards my car.
"I'm okay, guys, really." I didn't believe it and she knew it as she quit fighting my hold on her as we kept moving. Behind us Spike had picked up his bag and called after us to put some ice on her neck, she liked that. I stopped suddenly, Xander bumping into my back, as I turned around to pin him with a glare.
"I know." I turned and kept walking as Xander yelled out to Spike that she was our friend and that we'd take care of her. I ignored them, leaving both of them with a fast pace to my car where I placed her gently into the passenger seat. Willow rode in Xander's car as we rushed back to Buffy's house. She was quiet, but kept trying to assure me she was okay; I was having none of it. I was convinced her illness and her visions were connected to her attack. We got her to the house and I helped her walk through the front door, Xander and Willow right behind us and Willow going directly to the kitchen to get Buffy some ice water.
"I've been having these flashes, hallucinations I guess."
"Since when?" Willow asked as she handed Buffy the glass and then took a place next to Xander on the couch. I looked down at Dawn from my place behind Buffy's chair, my hands on its back as Buffy told of her attack and being poked by the demon.
"And when you say poked?" Xander added a hand motion to his question and I glared at him as Buffy answered.
"In the arm." She went on with her eyes downcast as she spoke of the mental institute her visions told her she was in. She met Dawn's eyes when she came to the part with her Mom and Dad being there together. I could tell it was hard on both of them. She got to the part about how convincingly real it had felt and Willow jumped up with a vote for research. Xander got the demon bars and Dawn was going to help Willow check for stuff on the internet. Willow glanced at me feeling my resolve to not leave Buffy's side and didn't say anything but nodded at me. The group split up leaving us alone. I took the unsipped from glass from Buffy's hand and picked her up to arrange her more comfortably on the couch ignoring her protests that she could do it for herself. I sat at the end with her head pillowed in my lap and began broadcasting a mantra I called the 'logic of numbers' because all it consists of is counting as high as you can mentally. It works for reassuring yourself that things are real.
She didn't fall asleep but just lay there against me with her fingers entwined with mine. Finally I had to get up and use the bathroom and Willow stopped me on the way back with her print out of the demon from Buffy's description. I nodded, that looked like it to me. She followed me into the living room where Buffy'd picked up a picture with her mom and dad in it and was curled up with it on the couch. I moved back to my place by her head and wrapped my arms around her as Willow showed her the picture. Buffy agreed that it was our demon and Willow told of how it carried the antidote to its own venom.
"I feel so lost." Her voice was quiet... scared. I pushed reassuring and stabilizing emotions her way and felt her respond as she pulled herself tighter against me. I looked significantly at Willow as she spoke of how detached she'd been, but Willow was looking at Buffy. I stroked her hair and then rubbed her back as she told us about her time in an institution back in L.A. after she'd seen her first vampire. My heart wrenched sideways as she told of her parents willingly putting her into it and then forgetting it had even happened.
"God, that's horrible." was Willow's understatement.
"What if I'm still there?" She was crying now and I resisted the urge to try and shake her out of it and just pulled her as tight as I could against me. "What if I never left that clinic?" Her eyes were on mine now and they asked the question deeper than the one voiced: was I even real?
"You are not in an institution. You are here. With me. And I'm not going anywhere." She wiped her tears and nodded half heartedly. Willow took that opportunity to break in and reassure Buffy that she was going to get that antidote. She told Buffy that Xander was hunting the demon right now and they'd have it in no time. Buffy was worried that the demon was too strong for Xander and I wondered why Willow hadn't asked me to go with him, but she told Buffy that they'd gotten other help. I didn't have to ask who, I knew it was Spike and I ignored the idea of him helping us out only because Buffy needed it. Willow went back to the kitchen and shortly I picked up Buffy in both arms and carried her up the stairs to her bed. I curled myself around her, resting her head against my arm, and connected my mind to hers trying to convince her that this was real. We were connected like that when the next vision hit her and I got sucked into her fantasy world.
I looked around, amazed at the clarity of the images around me. The white halls and the nurses and doctors moving through them are just what I would picture one of these places being like. I walked to the door next to me and cracked it open to see a bed with tie downs for arms and legs, a table, and a figure curled in on herself in the corner. I came around the edge of the bed, sure from her haircut that it was her.
"Buffy. I'm here for you." I moved to take her in my arms and she reflexively fought me off before looking up into my face and freezing. "Buffy, it's me. I made it through to your hallucination. I'm here for you." I waited for realization from her but she looked at me lost and confused.
"You're here. You can't be here unless you're real. And if you're real than I put you in my dreams. Be nice to me or I'll take you out of my dreams." The sincerity of her comment shocked me into silence. I tried to wrap my arms around her and lend her strength but she shrugged me off again and I pulled back slightly and found myself back in my body with my arms around her. I looked down to find her looking up at me.
"I was there, I saw that place Buffy. Trust me, it's not real." The clarity had almost convinced ME it was real, but I couldn't let her know that.
"It's not real." Her voice was quiet and lacked resolve, but I couldn't push the issue. I held her and rocked with her, supporting her as much as I could. A quiet knock on the door gave way to Dawn bringing tea for her sister. She sat on the bed and they shared a quiet conversation while I tried to puzzle out how to protect her from her next vision. I felt her flash into one beside me and there was no way for me to follow her in. I flailed around in her head searching for her link into the hallucination but pulled back as she blinked and looked back up into Dawn's eyes.
"I'm not even there, am I?" Dawn stood up with tears tracing down her face and retreated a step from the bed. "It's your perfect reality and I'm not even there." Buffy grabbed her head with both hands and I broke into their conversation.
"I'm sure she didn't mean that." Dawn looked from me back to her sister and ran out saying she had to finish her chores. I pulled Buffy close to me as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve leaving mascara marks. I kept my arms around her as I heard sounds of a scuffle echo through the silent house late that night. I traced Willow's thoughts to see her break the spine off the demon's arm and, leaving spike downstairs, sent Xander to the Magic Box for supplies. I turned my attention back to Buffy's mind and went back to anchoring her here in this world with me. I was worried that if I followed her in again she'd see me as even more of a figment than she already did. She slowly drifted to sleep and I concentrated on the light switch, flooding the room with darkness. I didn't get a single wink of sleep that night but hadn't moved by the time Willow came in to wake Buffy up with her antidote. I finally pulled myself away from her to use the facilities and came back to find Spike making some comments in a tone I just didn't appreciate.
"- or I will." I stepped up behind him and he almost walked into me.
"You will what, Spike?" I saw a flash of surprise and what I hoped was fear as I grabbed both his lapels in one hand and forcibly dragged him from the room and against a wall. "You'll bleed on me?" I dragged him down the stairs, through the kitchen and threw him down into the basement. I came down more slowly, observing the demon still chained up against the pillar.
"What the hell are you doing? I helped you."
"No, you helped her. And I do appreciate that. But I told you once before, Spike." I was on the basement floor now and looked into his eyes. "I won't let you, or anyone else, talk to her or about her like you just did. Seeing as I brought you a little closer to God the last time we had this discussion, I'm wondering just what I have to do to make sure you remember this conversation next time you open your mouth around her." I swung with a right I made sure he saw and blocked only to jab with my left, feeling his nose break; a very satisfying feeling.
"Good luck, mate. Compared to the Slayer, you're a bloody amateur." He had bent at the waist and spoke with his hand clutching his nose and muffling his words. I smiled as I brought my knee up against his face and then followed with a left to his temple, knocking him down to his side. A solid kick to his ribs made me feel a lot better and I stopped.
"If we do have to have this conversation again, I will kill you." I left him there in the eyes of the demon and made my way up the stairs. I stopped Willow and asked her about the antidote.
"It should kick in almost instantly. She should be fine in about ten minutes." I thanked her and told her I'd be taking a walk after I told Buffy where I was going. She nodded and put her hand on my shoulder before letting me make my way upstairs. I tapped on the door and waited for her to look up at me before making my way to her bedside.
"I'm gonna go take a walk and cool down before I kill Spike. Are you okay here?" I noticed her cup was empty and she nodded at me before I leaned forward to kiss her cheek and then stood up. I walked out with a single glance at her before making my way back down the stairs and out the front door. I'm not sure how far I walked before I convinced myself I'd done the right thing by not killing my very blond problem. I made it back to the house but it seemed too quiet. My thoughts were to stop by the kitchen for some water before heading upstairs to check on Buffy. Those plans were canceled when I heard sounds of a fight going on down in the basement. Initially I held back, thinking someone else was just beating up on Spike or they were finally hauling out the demon. When I saw Willow getting knocked to the ground by the demon and Xander sprawled sideways I reacted. I jumped down to the floor and immediately joined the fray. My mind cataloged seemingly random items strewn across the floor including rope and duct tape. I kicked the demon, knocking it against the wall and glanced beneath the stairs to see Buffy curled up hugging her knees to her chest.
"Buffy, help me." I barely got it out before I was knocked down myself. I rolled out of the way of the demon's next blow and tried to get to my feet again without running into or over Tara, Dawn, or Willow. Next thing I know the Slayer, and she was all Slayer, is standing in front of the demon for a second just looking at it before kicking it across the room. A few more blows including some while holding it up and finally finishing up with a straight fist into the flesh of its chest. The demon fell back clutching the hole in its chest as Buffy just looked down at the goop on her hand. I looked around and saw a towel next to me and grabbed it as I stood up to meet her. I wrapped her hand in the towel and my arms around her.
"Thank you." She looked up at me as I spoke and I saw that her Slayer aspect was gone to be replaced again with the worried girl she'd been a few minutes ago. "For coming back to me." I crushed her against my chest and then let her go to face her other friends.
"I'm so sorry." It came out as more of a whisper, but everyone heard her. I put my hands on her shoulders as Xander reassured her that we were all okay, it was all okay. Willow wanted her to sit down, but Buffy wouldn't until she got more of the antidote. I supported her as we made our way up the stairs and did convince her to sit down on the couch with me. Willow came up last, after making sure Tara was okay, with the spine from the demon's other arm and headed out to do more concocting with Tara following her. Xander checked on Dawn and got some ice for one of her bruises as he brought me water for Buffy. We stayed in the living room talking, trying to keep Buffy with us and a part of the conversation. I probed for her connection to the delusions and did find one last one of a doctor shining his light into Buffy's eyes, but she was here with us and wasn't even there to see it.
Willow came back quickly with the liquid for Buffy to drink and we all watched her guzzle it down eagerly and wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. Willow immediately asked her how she felt, but I think Buffy was just concentrating on not puking first before answering her friend. It wasn't long before she was both clearer and drowsier. I carried her again up the stairs to her bed and took off her shoes before tucking her beneath her covers. I sat there on the side of her bed with her facing the window and rubbed her back until she slipped into a peaceful sleep before closing the door quietly behind me and making my way back down the stairs. Dawn said she was going upstairs to her room and I hugged her as she passed me. Xander, Willow and Tara were sitting on the couch talking quietly, but there was something I had to say.
"Tara, would you mind giving us a moment? I'll come into the kitchen in a second to thank you." She nodded and rose from Willow's side to cross in front of the coffee table and make her way past me with a nervous smile to the kitchen. I took a breath and looked down at the puzzled faces of Willow and Xander.
"I don't know how else to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm disappointed in both of you. I don't know how you could let this get so out of hand." Willow's face fell and Xander started getting a little angry.
"Now hold on just a minute."
"I'm not done!" I kept my voice quiet, but I still knew how to shut people up when I had something to say. "Xander I know you've been going through your own problems with Anya, but you had a responsibility to your friend who you helped bring back from the grave. Did you really think that some pizza would just automatically fix her as soon as she got back?" He seemed slightly shocked now and I could hear his thought of 'how did he know that?' without trying. "Hello, psychic over here. I've got two different angles on that moment. None of you were sure of what to do and that's understandable, but Dawn was the most level headed of all of you and you didn't listen to her. It's like you thought that as soon as she came back everything would be okay again and you were free to move on to your other problems." I took a breathing pause and Xander decided he didn't have a response to what I'd said so I turned from him to Willow.
"What about me?"
"You know how I feel, I'm disappointed in you. Yes you came through in the clutch today and yesterday with the science but what about the day before that. Did you know she'd been hurt? Did you ask her? Did you even think about asking her? I know you didn't, but I wanted you to realize it." I looked from one to the other and continued on my next sore spot with both of them. "Ever since I got here she's had more and more pressure put on her to be normal, to act like nothing had happened, to get on with life. I saw how she was about to be overwhelmed the first day I was here and she was about to walk out on your little conversation with Giles. Believe me if he was here I'd be talking to him too. For best friends you two have been thoroughly engrossed in your own problems, which she helped both of you with by the way, without supporting her through hers." Looking at Willow again I thought of another subject I'd waited on broaching.
"Will, how long have you been staying here in her house? Have you helped out with the bills or the mortgage? Buffy's working fast food..." I let the words sink in. "The Slayer is saving the world and putting up with your crap for minimum wage!" I took a breath and sat down in the chair, both of their faces looking at me in rapt attention waiting for the next piece of truth to hit them. "You both are making more money than you need while she barely scrapes by every month. I know she's too proud to accept it, but have you even tried or let her know it's there if she needs it? I'm not asking for the world here, people, and she isn't asking for herself." I sat there silently debating with myself if I should tell them the next part and in the end I decided to try. I looked up from my hands and let my face show how I really felt, worried and hurt.
"Do you have any idea what it means to be brought back? This world is a harsh place on a good day, bright lights, cold things, hot things; everything hurts. I know, I had to do it once myself." I paused and let that sink in for a second.
"How did you..." Xander's question faded away as I looked at him.
"I rode the flat line; you know what that means, for more than ten minutes. I felt myself fade away and I knew that I was... complete. I had done my work in this world and could finally rest. They brought me back and I woke instantly to see them working on me, putting me back together, and I was pissed. I started thrashing around on the table and they had to hold me down and sedate me before they finished bringing me back into hell. I convinced myself it was better to be alive with all the good I could still do in the world, but that was before I knew what real hell was." I shook my head to clear it of the memories. Willow had her hand to her face as she'd seen what I had, but Xander's was just shamed into silence. I really didn't mean to put all of this on them along with everything else they'd already been through in the past few weeks, but I wanted them to see what they were doing to her.
"I don't think I can even describe to you the peace I felt before they ripped me back. I mean, how can you tell someone what a strawberry tastes like if they've never tasted a strawberry? It was... perfect. It was my time and I knew it. I could release everything and move on. I gotta tell you, I can't imagine doing it twice." I stood up again and paced around the back of the chair a few times.
"I have to get her out of here and away from this." I stopped and turned to both of them. "I'm taking her on vacation." Their eyes widened and then their faces firmed up and Willow nodded at me as they realized I was right on all counts. I didn't notice Dawn had come down the stairs and had heard part of my little speech. She did have one comment to make.
"What about me, am I just supposed to stay here with Willow and go out with Xander?" I turned to the sound of her voice and made a split second decision that just seemed right.
"How'd you like to come with us? Keep in mind it's supposed to be a calming trip, an escape from stress." She nodded, her indignant face becoming her eager and excited face in a split second.
"I can totally do that. No problem. I'm gonna go start packing right now." She ran back up the stairs disappearing from my sight. I hoped she'd be quiet enough not to wake her sister and a quick thought verified that Buffy still slumbered peacefully. I turned my attention back to the two in front of me.
"We'll leave on Friday after Dawn gets out of school and take most of the week off. I'd appreciate it if you guys could show her more support when we get back, but I know you'll do what you think is right. If you have any problems you can't handle I'll have my phone or you could always beat Spike into helping you." They were both still silent and I sat there for a minute waiting for them to make some kind of comment. When none were forthcoming I excused myself to head into the kitchen to find Tara sitting nervously at the counter with a glass of water in front of her.
"Sorry it took so long, I had to get a few things off my mind."
"I heard. I can understand where you're coming from; I just wonder if you were too harsh with them. They're her friends too."
"That is precisely why they should have noticed this before I did. You saw what she did today. She was ready to walk away from everything here in hopes of a normal supportive life with her parents even if they thought she had been insane. She would have killed you and the others including her own sister to do it; to get away. That kind of thing doesn't just happen in a day." I stopped and calmed myself down. I'd tried to stay away from that subject for as long as possible and had refrained from rubbing Willow's and Xander's noses in that particular piece of evidence. I looked up at Tara's face and remembered why I was here.
"I think you did the right thing letting them know how you feel about what's happened."
"Thank you. That's why I came in here, actually; to thank you for being there for Buffy when she needed you. It means a lot to me that she had someone she could go to for help." She nodded.
"I'm just glad I could help. I'd better get in there to talk with Willow before I leave." I nodded myself and watched her leave. I sat there in the silence, sunlight still streaming through the windows reminding me it was only afternoon. Something inside me couldn't bring myself to care about that, judging by how tired I felt. I stood up and made my way to the base of the stairs where I told the assembled party that I was heading up to get some sleep, not caring they'd know I'd be sleeping in the room with Buffy, before slowly trudging my way up the stairs to her bedroom door. I listened for a second to the blissful silence before quietly making my way in and to her bed where I took off my shoes and over shirt before crawling under the covers with her. I had just gotten comfortable when her arm found mine clutching herself against my chest in her sleep. I smiled and closed my eyes as temporary peaceful oblivion claimed me.