AN: Hello again, for anyone that remembers me, this is DarkMagnus. I wrote several one-shots as well as 'Put Your Cards on the Table' and 'Ace of Hearts'. Anyway, I've returned to with a less serious fiction. This story is largely humorous and a bit satirical. I hope you enjoy it.

Marth smiled.

"Another day in the life of a two-face."

Waves of sun swept across the verdant courtyard. It was a beautiful day, especially when one's thoughts were focused on large sums of gold.

VERY large sums of gold.

You see, there are several things that drive men- even particularly sharp ones, to do strange things. Inventive things.

Stupid things.

But this 'thing', this heist, sham, job, whatever you want to call it surely broke the record in all three categories.

"It's simple as this. You go and get sworn into the King's service. You do whatever, brownnose, be his little lap dog. And then, you can be our inside man for the biggest heist in the history of Hyrule!"

Of course, Marth was skeptical at first. How could you not be? The only thing left of the last person that tried to rob the king, Captain of the Guard Falcon, is his helmet. You don't want to know what happened to the rest.

But when the blue haired bandit thought of the thousands of gold coins, the gems, swords and jewelry, well, his better judgment took a lunch break. So, he accepted, tired of the miniscule rewards granted after small robberies. He was an excellent thief, and never allowed his face to be seen. But he had grown tired of that as well. He wanted to resemble the greater thieves of the era, like Robin Hood, Sinbad and the Masked Kirby... Of course, that may too be foolish.

Small setbacks had been overcome, and Marth's initiation ceremony was to begin in a fortnight. Unfortunately, nobody knew how long a fortnight was, so they decided to do it the same day. The entry went smoothly.

"Ah, you must be Marth, the new stable-cleaner."

Marth nearly had an aneurysm.

"What?! L-let me see that sheet!"

Marth looked over the long sign up parchment, and stopped at his name.

New Servant List

-Mario Mario........Princess' Guard

-Luigi Mario.........Assistant Chef

-Yoshi.................We've Got No Clue

-Marth Lowell........Stable Cleaner!!!

Marth wasn't sure why his horrible job had been underlined, bolded and put before exclamation marks, but he wouldn't let it stand. Using his thievish guile, he switched a couple names, and voila!
New (Revised) Servant List

-Marth Lowell.............Princess' Guard

-Luigi Mario........................Assistant Chef

-Yoshi.................................We've Got No Clue

-Mario Mario.........Stable Cleaner!!!

He handed it back to the deskworker with a smile.

"Right, there was some mistake. I'm the Keeper of the Princess."

The deskworker stared at Marth for a minute.

"You know what, that was so stupid, I'm going to let you get away with it."

"Yay!"

Sometime Later

"Yeah, door to the right. The lights are off. Here's a lantern."

Mario proudly walked through the door closed it behind and shouted.

"It's-a me! Mario!"

There was a short pause.

"MAMA-MIA!"

Sometime Not-So-Later

The evening bell tolled, signifying the beginning of the ceremony. Marth, decked out in shiny new Royal Guard armor, whistled a happy tune, followed by a sluggish man wearing brown. Marth looked at him, turned his head to the side and talked.

"Why so down?"

The brown-clothed man slowly gazed up at Marth and spoke.

"My name is Mario Mario, and my shirt is normally red."

"Oh."

Marth turned and quickened his pace.

In the chapel, filled with conscripted soldiers and other workers, a priest stood in front of the castle chancellor, which was somewhere below the king. Maybe. Hell, I'm the narrator. I'm not paid to learn hierarchy. Anyway, the chancellor nodded to the priest, who began to chant.

"Au nobis facem. Uue lleman cachen. Something...something...something."

The chancellor coughed loudly.

"Hey, at 15 gold an hour, this is the best you'll get!"

The priest yelled, a bit annoyed.

The priest was shooed off the stage, and the king himself was presented to the entire assembly.

"Welcome, new recruits. All of you have been handpicked due to your elite skills. You are the best in the nation. You are the most illustrious warriors to ever grace the battlefield. You are the Secret Service of Eternia!"

A scribe whispered into the king's ear.

"What? These aren't the elites? These are the conscripts and low pay workers? Oh."

"Sorry, I take all that back. You're all worthless, and if you slip up I'll have your heads chopped off. That's all. Piss off."

Several sobs came from the soldiers.

"Hmm," Marth mused. "Good to see morale so high."

Whenever, it might be later, maybe not

"Ok, let's see..." Marth paged through a comprehensive map, reading out all the locations. "Torture Chambers...no, Torture Chambers...no, Kitchens...no, Torture Chambers right next to the freaking Kitchens...Jesus, Armory...no, Harem...umm, maybe later... and... THERE! Zelda's Chambers."

Marth made his way past the many torture chambers and up to Zelda's Quarters. There, he knocked on the door, and without waiting for a response, walked in.

A girl shrieked.

"I'M CHANGING!"

Marth poked his head in.

"Oh no! Really?!"

The girl looked around shiftily.

"No... but it's always been a fantasy of mine."

Marth backed up.

"O...K..."

The strange lady perked up when she saw Marth's armor.

"Ah, you must be my new guard!"

Marth smiled.

"Then that means you're Zelda."

"The one and only. It's so good to know someone there to protect me, especially after what happened to my last guard."

Marth froze.

"Um, what... may I ask... happened?"

Zelda smiled and nonchalantly recalled the gruesome details.

"Well, he was captured after a failed attempt on my life and sacrificed to the Dragon God Bahamaut."

Marth's eye twitched.

"And... did they catch the bandits that did it to him?"

Zelda nodded.

"Of course. Well, most of them, anyways."

"Most...of...them?"

"Ok, so only a couple. But what are the chances of ANOTHER attempt to kill me? I mean, it's like lightning striking twice."

Outside Zelda's window, Marth swore he saw a twinkling eye.

And that's all (s)he wrote. For this chapter, anyway. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and it's time for DARKMAGNUS TRIVIA!

A small role in an upcoming chapter will be given to the person that finds out where 'Eternia's Secret Service' came from. Just leave the answer in your review. Hint: It has to do with something I've done in the past.

Today's Trivia: The title, 'Service with a Smirk' comes from Slywolf's old EAB avatar text. I dunno why I remember it.