A/N: This is dedicated in loving memory of Richard Harris. He died last night 10/25/02 at University College Hospital in London.

[ I'd Rather Be In Love With You ]

chapter eight: breakdown

It was Tuesday night and Draco was heading to the Great Hall with a book clutched in his hand. When he got in the Great Hall, he sat in his usual place in the Slytherin Table. He was halfway his dinner when he caught a glimpse of red hair moving at the center of the Hall. He watched her make her way towards Potter and his friends. He watched her as she took her usual place at the Gryffindor Table, noting how long and beautiful her hair was and how well it framed her face when someone called his name.

"Draco, darling?" It was Blaise Zabini.

He reluctantly tore his gaze away from Ginny and turned to look at the face of Blaise, which was covered in make-up so thick Draco wondered why it didn't itch. She was sitting beside Draco and he screwed up his face and swallowed disgustedly. Somehow, when he looked at Blaise's face, he somehow lost his appetite.

"Are you okay?" Blaise asked, oblivious to Draco's change of expression.

"I'm fine, Blaise," Draco said blankly. "You called me?" he asked.

"Yes, well, you see it's Hogsmeade weekend on Saturday and I was wondering if we can go together," Blaise looked at him expectantly confident that Draco would go with her. "So how about it, sweetheart?" Blaise asked shooting Draco a sweet face although Draco thought it was far from sweet.

Pansy, who was sitting at the other side of Draco, overheard Blaise and decided to do something about it.

"Excuse me, Blaise," Pansy said making Draco turn to her. "I was going to ask him the same thing and he's going with me." Neither of them was a pretty sight. At least, not as pretty as what Draco was looking at before Blaise called him.

"I didn't hear him say that and furthermore, I don't see you asking him," Blaise said angrily. Draco didn't know which girl was acting more disgustingly. In his mind, Draco did not want to go to Hogsmeade. Other people were there and he didn't want to see them watch him like a criminal.

"There is no way, Draco is going out with a bitch like you!"

"You take that back you good-for-nothing slut!"

Both girls were screaming in his ears and Draco couldn't take it anymore. "Shut up!" Draco roared his hand slamming against the table making the dishes and goblets dance together with the spoons and forks. Everyone in the Hall fell silent and watched the three of them.

"You could scream at each other for all I care but stop screaming it in my ears!" Draco said angrily, standing up. This made the other Slytherins move away from them, no doubt afraid of the Death Eater's wrath. "If this is what it's going to be like if I go with either of you, then I might as stay as far away from the both of you! I'm not going to Hogsmeade this weekend so you can burn all your plans goodbye!"

With that, Draco grabbed his book and went out of the Great Hall, his dinner unfinished. Both Blaise and Pansy could only look at his retreating back, their eyes wide and their mouths hanging wide open.

"Now look what you've done!"

"Me? It was all your fault!"

* * *

Draco made his way towards the Charms classroom. He was feeling irritated. When he got in the room he saw Ginny already in there. She glanced up the moment he came in and Draco gave her an angry glance. He also noticed that some of the students were already there. He got to his table, sat down and laid his book on the table, waiting for his other students to arrive so they could start.

All throughout the whole session, Draco tried very carefully to keep his temper in check. He didn't want to terrorize his students more than they already are.

After she finished, Ginny sat on a chair and waited up for Draco. She wanted to talk to him about what happened the night before. When Draco stood up and was on his way to the door, Ginny stood up and beckoned for him to stay.

"Can I have a word with you... um... Draco?" Ginny didn't know what to call him, but she thought that using his name would be a good idea.

"Stay away from me, Weasley," Draco warned her in an angry voice. He did not need this right now.

"It's just for a moment, I-"

"Look! Just stay away from me alright? Forget what happened!" Draco said, turning around so he could leave.

"Then, just tell me why you're being so helpful all of the sudden! Just tell me and I promise to leave you alone!" Ginny didn't understand him at all. He goes around helping her and when she asks him about it, he tells her to forget it.

"You won't believe it."

"Try me."

"Alright! FINE! You really want to know?" Draco was screaming so loud and the fury in his eyes were so intense that Ginny's heart was pounding in her chest. He threw the book he brought to the floor.

"I am so sick of everyone looking at me for what I really am! Did you see how those little first years look at me? Huh? They look at me like I'm going to kill them any second!"

Ginny was staring at him wide eyed because she didn't know what to say. Then Draco held up the sleeve of his left arm.

"Do you see that, Weasley?" he asked and Ginny looked at it. There in the middle of his arm was the Dark Mark. It looked like it was engraved in his skin. It showed an outline of a skull with a snake protruding from its mouth like a tongue.

"That is the Dark Mark, Weasley. You see that? I am a servant of Lord Voldemort! I am a Death Eater and I hate it! I can't stand the way other people, including you, look at me with fear because that's exactly the way innocent men, women and children look at me before I kill them!" Draco couldn't take it anymore, he was feeling so furious with himself that he punched the wall so hard he was sure one of the bones in his right hand was broken. He turned back and faced Ginny. "Do you understand me? I am a murderer! Do you hear? I killed them mercilessly and I can't stand what it's doing to me! I can't think straight and I'm going out of my mind! I can't sleep and I can't even eat!"

With that, Draco started sliding down in a sitting position with his back on the wall. He bent his head down and placed his hands on his temples, his elbows resting on his folded legs.

Ginny took a step closer to him. She couldn't believe what she just heard. Never in a million years did she suspect that Draco would be feeling that way. She always believed that hurting and killing others must be entertainment for a person like Draco Malfoy. But she was wrong. She stared at him at his state and her heart ached at what she saw.

"I can't stand it! It's making my life hell. I can't live with myself. I can't even stand looking at the mirror anymore," Draco said but his voice was much softer now. He was feeling so angry but he didn't cry. Draco never cried anymore. His father taught him that. Crying was a sign of weakness and Draco was trained not to have any.

Ginny looked at Draco Malfoy. She could feel the stinging of unshed tears at the back of her eyes. Her heart wrenched when she thought about the ordeal Draco must've been put through. She realized that he didn't tell anyone about this because of the rage he just showed her. He must've been keeping it to himself. He must have been dying to let it all out, only he couldn't because he didn't want anyone to see him in this kind of state. Without thinking, Ginny knelt beside Draco and placed her arms around him tightly as if to take away his pain. She felt his body shaking with anger and then he stiffened. She didn't know what possessed her to do this, but she felt that maybe Draco needed it.

When Draco first felt her arms around him, he stiffened and his eyes widened. He didn't expect her to do this. He expected her to run away and leave him. Nobody has ever seen him this angry. He had always been able to keep his anger in check. Other's would've ran away from him or else suffer terrible consequences. But the Weasley girl did nothing of that sort. Instead of leaving him, she embraced him. His first instinct when he felt her arms around him was to draw away. But then, she hugged him so tightly as if trying to comfort him. Nobody ever hugged him like that. No one has ever tried to comfort him. He, then, felt an unfamiliar tenderness within him that he previously thought he was incapable of feeling.

Even though, at the back part of his mind screamed that this was not supposed to happen, Draco didn't move away. Because he has never been given a real hug. Like the one she was giving him now. Draco closed his eyes. It was the first time he had ever felt secure in someone else's arms. He felt... somehow, protected. Draco then felt himself relax. He had wanted to feel that for so long that he just gave in to the feeling of someone hugging him.

When Ginny felt Draco beginning to relax, she tightened her embrace even more. She was kneeling at his left and she shifted her left arm to cup his head, her chin resting on top of his head. Ginny could feel herself smiling and then closed her eyes. She liked this.

They stayed that way for long minutes and when reality came back to Draco, he pulled away. He looked up to Ginny. He, then, found himself staring at her brown eyes. Ginny was doing the same. Then, he noticed that her eyes might have been brown but there seemed to be golden little flecks at the sides of her pupils. He wondered why never noticed it before. Then, he felt himself studying her entire face. Her skin was smooth and a little pale, but it was in contrast to her fiery hair. Her eyelashes were very long that they cast shadows on her cheeks. Draco also noticed her prominent cheekbones and her perfectly stationed nose and her chin.

Draco's gaze momentarily dropped on her mouth. Her lips looked naturally smooth without a trace of lipstick or lip-gloss or whatever it was girls used on their lips. He wondered how her lips would feel against his.

What? Draco thought. Why would I want to that?

Then, he realized that he'd been staring at them a bit too long so he focused his gaze back at her eyes. He blinked twice then spoke.

"Why are you doing this, Weasley?" Draco asked, his voice still cold.

"Because I noticed you haven't been yourself and I wanted to know why. You've been helping me a lot these days and that's just not your usual self Draco," Ginny replied truthfully.

"So, now that you know what really bugs me, you'll go telling other people about it?" Draco asked warily.

"No. I'm not that kind of person."

"What I meant was, by the way, why did you... uhh... hug me, Weasley?" he asked.

"I thought you needed it. I know it must be hard-"

"No, you don't know, Weasley and frankly, I don't need your pity," Draco interrupted her, standing up. Ginny did the same.

"It's not at all like that, Draco. It's not about pity. Although, you might be right. Maybe I don't really know how hard it is," Ginny admitted, shifting her robes. "But the point is, I realized that you're not at all evil as most people would think. You just want other people to see that you are but, I think you're not. It's just your cover and you believe people will see you as nothing else so you don't bother changing their minds. Why don't you start treating other people more kindly? I'm sure they'll change their minds."

"Forget it, Weasley. People will be saying I'm trying to be like Potter the hero or something like that," Draco said, disgusted at the very thought of it.

Ginny breathed a defeated sigh. It was definitely hard to convince him. "You could be wrong about that you know," she said.

Draco stayed silent. He didn't know what to say to that. The silence was getting uncomfortable so Ginny said, "I have to go." She looked at him and then, turned around and walked towards the door.

Draco was just standing still looking at her retreating back. Ginny grasped the doorknob and was about to fling the door open when-

"Hey Weasley," Draco called his face devoid of any emotion despite what just happened.

Ginny turned around to face him and said, "Yes?"

Draco looked at her for a moment as if contemplating whether he should say what he wanted to say or not. Ginny looked at him expectantly wondering what he was about to say.

"Thanks," Draco finally said.

Ginny smiled at him and Draco caught his breath.

"You're welcome," she said. She looked at him for a moment before turning around and walked out of the door. Then Draco exhaled.

After a few moments Draco retrieved his book to where he threw it and let himself out of the classroom to head towards the Slytherin Common Room. When he did, he went straight to his room, did his homework, changed and read the book he's been carrying. He tried to concentrate on the book but the things that happened to him in the Charms classroom kept popping in his head. When he couldn't stand it any longer, he decided to go to sleep.

He was lying awake on his four-poster when he finally permitted himself to think about what happened in the Charms classroom. He tried to remember the way it felt when Ginny held him. It was the few things Draco ever experienced in his life. It's a forgone conclusion that he never got that from his father, and his mother wasn't very fond of showing any emotion especially around his father, so she never hugged him very much. At school, no one in their right minds would ever think of hugging him because he was always considered as the 'big bad bully'. When he became a Death Eater, it was worse. Everyone was afraid of him, so he'd given up hope that someone might care for him.

So what am I saying? That maybe the Weasley girl cares for me? Draco asked himself. That seemed absurd. There was no way anyone would care for him now much less a Weasley.

Draco sighed. Yes. There was absolutely no way the Weasley girl would feel that way about him. She just probably did it out of pity for him. But she did say it wasn't about pity, his mind reasoned with him.

Draco, then, gave another frustrated sigh and tried to chase those thoughts away. He did not want to think about this right now. He was frustrated with himself. He definitely didn't know what to make of the Weasley girl. She was as unpredictable as the weather. One moment smiling, the next glaring at him and probably the most unexpected of all when she held him.

He was freeing his mind of those thoughts so he could will his mind to sleep when he remembered something that made him even more frustrated with himself. It was when Ginny smiled at him and told him that he was welcome when he told her 'thanks'. He recalled that he had been too preoccupied with her smile that he momentarily forgot everything else. But he remembered something he didn't do, though.

He distinctly remembered that at that moment, he wasn't breathing.

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A/N: Please review guys and tell me what you think about this chapter. Did it suck? Was it good? Please tell me! Hugs and kisses to the beautiful people who reviewed namely, Rachel, Flora Fairfield, Aurora Noctifer, ferggirl99, Molly W, Dragon (madickey@bellsouth.net), Evil Slytherin Child, Dracos gal, txt-eva, Athena Lionfire16, elen and cosmoz!!! You guys are the best!

Flora Fairfield: I like it when that happens, too! That's why I placed that in the story! :)

Aurora Noctifer: Muse? What do you mean? Anyway, I was thinking about the same thing about the whole romance thing. I was just assuring you guys that there will be! :)

ferggirl99: Aurora Noctifer and I were thinking of the same thing.

Molly W: It has something to do with the story... I ain't sayin' no more! hehehe! :)

A/N: By the way, if you're wondering about the death of Richard Harris, go to this link: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/kr/20021026/lo_krnewyork/richard_harris_dead and see for yourself. This is so sad! May he rest in peace.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story except the plot, so please don't sue me. Thanks!