Deliverance 2/?
Summary: Almost directly after their adventure, there are strong,
unresolved issues that Carl feels must be brought forward.
Warnings: shiver Mentions of Het between Anna and Gabriel . . . just
ignore those, they aren't important.
Rating: Pg-13? Maybe R in the Future
After the first day Carl stopped counting. After the first day it didn't matter how long he prayed, how many times he asked for forgiveness, and certainly there wasn't a reason for him to feel as if he deserved any sort of amnesty. He had pleaded his case to the other fathers. He sought some sort of solace from his mind and actions.
He sat now huddled in his room, in a kneeling position not caring that his legs had gone numb hours ago. There had to be something more he could do, he reasoned. Praying for the rest of his life would not excuse his actions, therefore further steps had to be taken. God knew of his sin, and only time would renew the faith.
Even as he prayed, sin corrupted his mind and he dwelled on the thought of Gabriel Van Helsing.
At first his thoughts were of sadness. He had probably ruined his friendship, and the man's thoughts for many years. He couldn't imagine the things running through his friend's head, and he couldn't comprehend his own.
Then the concern slowly turned back to desire, and Carl hated himself. He hated that he wanted the dark, mysterious man. He wanted those strong arms to hold him tight and the commanding voice to parry with him on his inventions again. He just wanted the man to look at him with something more than friendship.
It took him several tries before he could climb to his feet. His legs and feet tingled and he could barely feel the dead weight. Resting on his hard bed he allowed the blood to flow freely to his lower body and twisted his hands in his lap. Confession wasn't enough. He had to show God he was truly sorry for allowing sinful thoughts to invade his mind. He had to prove that he did not want sexual relations with a man.
For days Gabriel had attempted to see Carl. In the beginning there wasn't a real reason for it, and he found with thought he didn't know what he would actually say to Carl. He didn't know how to react to what his friend had said; he just knew he had to see him. He had to let Carl know he didn't hate him.
After many failed attempts and having been turned away by friars and men of the cloth alike, he retired to his room to actually think on Carl's words. He truly had never considered a relationship with a man, but upon further deliberation he decided he was not fully against it.
Yes, he had been influenced greatly by the church's codes and laws, but he also made his own. He saw no reason as to why sharing his bed with a man would warrant him death or eternity in purgatory. What he did was his own business.
But that brought him back to Carl. He had never thought of the man as anything but a friend. Carl had been the only one he truly trusted to watch his back in a battle, and the only man that he counted on in a tight spot. He thought the man was a wonder, a brilliant philosopher and a compassionate brother until the end.
Carl in actuality was the man he considered most important to him. Even when he found himself attracted to Anna, Carl was the one he went to sleep thinking about. And the man was the first thing on his mind in the morning. When in a battle he always feared for Carl's life, and this often caused him to make brash, idiot decisions, he decided. Carl was everything to him, and he did love Carl, but in the way Carl loved him?
He did not know if he could love Carl the way the friar wanted, and he did not want to hurt his friend by denying the feelings. But he found he couldn't lie to the man either.
Gabriel feared this had torn them apart. He was afraid Carl would do something drastic. Gabriel was frightened that if he did not love Carl in the right way now, he would never grow into it. He had a sinking feeling you couldn't grow into that sort of love.
Gabriel sighed. He was due to leave for Paris in a few short days and now he would have to find another friar or monk to help him. He wondered briefly if Carl would accompany him, but thought ill of the idea moments later. Carl was in no state to travel with him, Gabriel mused, and he didn't know if they could ever travel together again.
The next morning Carl accepted food for the first time in two days. He hastily the stale bread and drank his warm tea. It felt good to have nourishment in his body, but in a flash he was bringing the meal back up. He sat and sobbed, feeling wretched.
He fought for control and was finally able to leave his room with destination in mind.
Confession.
He had not been in hours and it weighed heavily upon his soul—if he still had a soul, Carl countered. He needed to speak with a father upon his growing pain.
He had just reached the main floor and turned a corner towards confession when he bounced off a strong object. He had failed to see the person coming towards him and the stairs, and in return he had rudely managed to hit them.
"My apologies," Carl began. Then his eyes widened and he became aware that he was in someone's arms, and they were warm and strong. He delayed looking up at the face of the person he had run into, knowing who it was, but enjoying the fake innocence. When he realized God would know of this, he sprang back, turning away from Gabriel Van Helsing.
"Carl, why do you turn from me?" Gabriel asked, stepping forward, and causing Carl to step back. "Am I not your friend?"
"You do not wish to inflict harm upon me?" Carl asked, drawing a bit closer. "After what I said . . . " Carl trailed off.
"Carl, you are my friend, and I will never hate you. I cannot hurt a man who speaks his heart, a man who care for my being and my safety. I certainly could not hate you, who had stood by my side through many undesirable situations. I could not even dislike you, Carl, for you have saved my life many times, far too many to count."
"I was wrong to think and speak of forbidden things, forgive me Gabriel. I have attempted to tarnish what is pure. You must believe I did not set this purpose in spite of the love you held for Anna."
Carl at this moment attempted to flee, but again Gabriel caught him in his arms. Carl found himself crushed to Gabriel's chest, and it felt good. He forgot his troubles and his sins. He forgot that he was on his way to confession. All he now cared about was being in the arms of Gabriel for the rest of his days.
"But you cannot love me as the way I love you," He forced to Gabriel. "My love is aberrant, your love is for a woman. I must go to confessional."
Gabriel made a last ditch grab for the man again, but Carl eluded him this time, and the friar was soon off down the long hall. "The only pure love is that which is between two people who love each other!" Gabriel listened to his words bounce off the tall ceiling and echo back at him.
"Go to Paris!" Carl told him harshly.
"I will speak with you!"
By the time his words echoed back, Carl was gone and Gabriel was at the mercy of many harsh stares. He glared at the few who questioned him and marched off in search of a weapon to combat
It was very late into the night when Gabriel made his way up to Carl's room. He was determined to speak with the man before he had to leave for Paris. Gabriel felt if he didn't resolve this issue with Carl in part, there would not being anything for him to come back to. Carl was the world to him, and it had to be done.
Gabriel convinced himself to knock once on Carl's door before pushing it open and stepping in.
"What are you doing here?" Carl asked, standing by the window, fully clothed despite the hour. "Why did you seek me out?"
"I need to make you see me, Carl. You need to see that I do not understand, and you need to fix this."
"I will not do this with you," Carl told him. "Not before you leave, and I will not let you give me nightmares."
"Carl! Listen to yourself! Tell me why you avoid me when I have clearly stated I am not bothered by your confession."
"I avoid you because I am hurt. I am hurt everytim I look at you and realize you shall never love me in sin as I love you. I am in pain because God, whom had placed great faith in me, I have betrayed. I am sworn not to sin, and I committed what should not be mentioned again."
"Feelings and thoughts are your own. Yes, worship and love God, but realize you are your own person. If you so wish to love me, that should be your right!"
"You are not a man of the cloth, Van Helsing, you would not understand. You can never understand my pledge to God. It would be as if you were touddenly to murder innocents, and like it. This is devastating upon my heart, soul and life."
"I do not question your faith, or God, Carl, I merely question your happiness. You are hurting, and it pains me to see this. I do not understand how you can allow this to happen."
"No, you do not understand, Van Helsing. My happiness does not matter, only what is right matters."
"And what is right?"
Carl rolled his eyes, pulling his arms around his body. "Good night, Gabriel Van Helsing."
Suddenly he was snatched from behind and spun around. With his face merely inches from Gabriel's he began to feel dizzy and intoxicated. "What is right, Carl?"
"God is right," He managed.
"Is there not a difference between what is right for you, and what is right for him? Should you not be allowed a full life with your own joy? What love is right, Carl?"
Carl defiantly managed to pull back a few inches. "God says man shall love woman. It was intended this way."
"Perhaps for procreation, but there is love you feel for me, and is it wrong because you and I are men?"
"I am not a man, I am a demon. Only a demon dreams of taking another man to his bed."
Gabriel paused for a moment before sweeping down and capturing Carl's lips in a searing kiss. Carl had never felt anything as intense, and as Gabriel's tongue begged for access to his mouth, Carl found himself giving in. It felt so right, and it felt so pure. It made Carl feel as if he were the luckiest man in the world, and the only thing that mattered were Gabriel's hands drifting down his back.
Carl allowed himself to be pulled upward when Gabriel's hands locked under his bottom and pulled him closer. Carl felt as if they had merged, and for the first time in his life felt complete. He felt as if he were a God himself.
And at the thought of Godhood, and a hand slipping into his robes, he tore away, stumbling back and landing on his bed with a vicious thud. Lips red and swollen, chest heaving and mind spinning Carl forced himself fully onto the bed. "This cannot happen. I forbid you to touch me again. Leave me, Gabriel! Leave me and go to Paris! Do not come here again!"
"Perhaps now you will understand pure love."
Gabriel slammed his door harshly and Carl collapsed fully. Briefly his fingers came to his lips, and he touched them experimentally, feeling the swollen flesh.
It was so wrong, but it had felt so right.
Carl scrambled off the bed. He had to repent.
TBC
After the first day Carl stopped counting. After the first day it didn't matter how long he prayed, how many times he asked for forgiveness, and certainly there wasn't a reason for him to feel as if he deserved any sort of amnesty. He had pleaded his case to the other fathers. He sought some sort of solace from his mind and actions.
He sat now huddled in his room, in a kneeling position not caring that his legs had gone numb hours ago. There had to be something more he could do, he reasoned. Praying for the rest of his life would not excuse his actions, therefore further steps had to be taken. God knew of his sin, and only time would renew the faith.
Even as he prayed, sin corrupted his mind and he dwelled on the thought of Gabriel Van Helsing.
At first his thoughts were of sadness. He had probably ruined his friendship, and the man's thoughts for many years. He couldn't imagine the things running through his friend's head, and he couldn't comprehend his own.
Then the concern slowly turned back to desire, and Carl hated himself. He hated that he wanted the dark, mysterious man. He wanted those strong arms to hold him tight and the commanding voice to parry with him on his inventions again. He just wanted the man to look at him with something more than friendship.
It took him several tries before he could climb to his feet. His legs and feet tingled and he could barely feel the dead weight. Resting on his hard bed he allowed the blood to flow freely to his lower body and twisted his hands in his lap. Confession wasn't enough. He had to show God he was truly sorry for allowing sinful thoughts to invade his mind. He had to prove that he did not want sexual relations with a man.
For days Gabriel had attempted to see Carl. In the beginning there wasn't a real reason for it, and he found with thought he didn't know what he would actually say to Carl. He didn't know how to react to what his friend had said; he just knew he had to see him. He had to let Carl know he didn't hate him.
After many failed attempts and having been turned away by friars and men of the cloth alike, he retired to his room to actually think on Carl's words. He truly had never considered a relationship with a man, but upon further deliberation he decided he was not fully against it.
Yes, he had been influenced greatly by the church's codes and laws, but he also made his own. He saw no reason as to why sharing his bed with a man would warrant him death or eternity in purgatory. What he did was his own business.
But that brought him back to Carl. He had never thought of the man as anything but a friend. Carl had been the only one he truly trusted to watch his back in a battle, and the only man that he counted on in a tight spot. He thought the man was a wonder, a brilliant philosopher and a compassionate brother until the end.
Carl in actuality was the man he considered most important to him. Even when he found himself attracted to Anna, Carl was the one he went to sleep thinking about. And the man was the first thing on his mind in the morning. When in a battle he always feared for Carl's life, and this often caused him to make brash, idiot decisions, he decided. Carl was everything to him, and he did love Carl, but in the way Carl loved him?
He did not know if he could love Carl the way the friar wanted, and he did not want to hurt his friend by denying the feelings. But he found he couldn't lie to the man either.
Gabriel feared this had torn them apart. He was afraid Carl would do something drastic. Gabriel was frightened that if he did not love Carl in the right way now, he would never grow into it. He had a sinking feeling you couldn't grow into that sort of love.
Gabriel sighed. He was due to leave for Paris in a few short days and now he would have to find another friar or monk to help him. He wondered briefly if Carl would accompany him, but thought ill of the idea moments later. Carl was in no state to travel with him, Gabriel mused, and he didn't know if they could ever travel together again.
The next morning Carl accepted food for the first time in two days. He hastily the stale bread and drank his warm tea. It felt good to have nourishment in his body, but in a flash he was bringing the meal back up. He sat and sobbed, feeling wretched.
He fought for control and was finally able to leave his room with destination in mind.
Confession.
He had not been in hours and it weighed heavily upon his soul—if he still had a soul, Carl countered. He needed to speak with a father upon his growing pain.
He had just reached the main floor and turned a corner towards confession when he bounced off a strong object. He had failed to see the person coming towards him and the stairs, and in return he had rudely managed to hit them.
"My apologies," Carl began. Then his eyes widened and he became aware that he was in someone's arms, and they were warm and strong. He delayed looking up at the face of the person he had run into, knowing who it was, but enjoying the fake innocence. When he realized God would know of this, he sprang back, turning away from Gabriel Van Helsing.
"Carl, why do you turn from me?" Gabriel asked, stepping forward, and causing Carl to step back. "Am I not your friend?"
"You do not wish to inflict harm upon me?" Carl asked, drawing a bit closer. "After what I said . . . " Carl trailed off.
"Carl, you are my friend, and I will never hate you. I cannot hurt a man who speaks his heart, a man who care for my being and my safety. I certainly could not hate you, who had stood by my side through many undesirable situations. I could not even dislike you, Carl, for you have saved my life many times, far too many to count."
"I was wrong to think and speak of forbidden things, forgive me Gabriel. I have attempted to tarnish what is pure. You must believe I did not set this purpose in spite of the love you held for Anna."
Carl at this moment attempted to flee, but again Gabriel caught him in his arms. Carl found himself crushed to Gabriel's chest, and it felt good. He forgot his troubles and his sins. He forgot that he was on his way to confession. All he now cared about was being in the arms of Gabriel for the rest of his days.
"But you cannot love me as the way I love you," He forced to Gabriel. "My love is aberrant, your love is for a woman. I must go to confessional."
Gabriel made a last ditch grab for the man again, but Carl eluded him this time, and the friar was soon off down the long hall. "The only pure love is that which is between two people who love each other!" Gabriel listened to his words bounce off the tall ceiling and echo back at him.
"Go to Paris!" Carl told him harshly.
"I will speak with you!"
By the time his words echoed back, Carl was gone and Gabriel was at the mercy of many harsh stares. He glared at the few who questioned him and marched off in search of a weapon to combat
It was very late into the night when Gabriel made his way up to Carl's room. He was determined to speak with the man before he had to leave for Paris. Gabriel felt if he didn't resolve this issue with Carl in part, there would not being anything for him to come back to. Carl was the world to him, and it had to be done.
Gabriel convinced himself to knock once on Carl's door before pushing it open and stepping in.
"What are you doing here?" Carl asked, standing by the window, fully clothed despite the hour. "Why did you seek me out?"
"I need to make you see me, Carl. You need to see that I do not understand, and you need to fix this."
"I will not do this with you," Carl told him. "Not before you leave, and I will not let you give me nightmares."
"Carl! Listen to yourself! Tell me why you avoid me when I have clearly stated I am not bothered by your confession."
"I avoid you because I am hurt. I am hurt everytim I look at you and realize you shall never love me in sin as I love you. I am in pain because God, whom had placed great faith in me, I have betrayed. I am sworn not to sin, and I committed what should not be mentioned again."
"Feelings and thoughts are your own. Yes, worship and love God, but realize you are your own person. If you so wish to love me, that should be your right!"
"You are not a man of the cloth, Van Helsing, you would not understand. You can never understand my pledge to God. It would be as if you were touddenly to murder innocents, and like it. This is devastating upon my heart, soul and life."
"I do not question your faith, or God, Carl, I merely question your happiness. You are hurting, and it pains me to see this. I do not understand how you can allow this to happen."
"No, you do not understand, Van Helsing. My happiness does not matter, only what is right matters."
"And what is right?"
Carl rolled his eyes, pulling his arms around his body. "Good night, Gabriel Van Helsing."
Suddenly he was snatched from behind and spun around. With his face merely inches from Gabriel's he began to feel dizzy and intoxicated. "What is right, Carl?"
"God is right," He managed.
"Is there not a difference between what is right for you, and what is right for him? Should you not be allowed a full life with your own joy? What love is right, Carl?"
Carl defiantly managed to pull back a few inches. "God says man shall love woman. It was intended this way."
"Perhaps for procreation, but there is love you feel for me, and is it wrong because you and I are men?"
"I am not a man, I am a demon. Only a demon dreams of taking another man to his bed."
Gabriel paused for a moment before sweeping down and capturing Carl's lips in a searing kiss. Carl had never felt anything as intense, and as Gabriel's tongue begged for access to his mouth, Carl found himself giving in. It felt so right, and it felt so pure. It made Carl feel as if he were the luckiest man in the world, and the only thing that mattered were Gabriel's hands drifting down his back.
Carl allowed himself to be pulled upward when Gabriel's hands locked under his bottom and pulled him closer. Carl felt as if they had merged, and for the first time in his life felt complete. He felt as if he were a God himself.
And at the thought of Godhood, and a hand slipping into his robes, he tore away, stumbling back and landing on his bed with a vicious thud. Lips red and swollen, chest heaving and mind spinning Carl forced himself fully onto the bed. "This cannot happen. I forbid you to touch me again. Leave me, Gabriel! Leave me and go to Paris! Do not come here again!"
"Perhaps now you will understand pure love."
Gabriel slammed his door harshly and Carl collapsed fully. Briefly his fingers came to his lips, and he touched them experimentally, feeling the swollen flesh.
It was so wrong, but it had felt so right.
Carl scrambled off the bed. He had to repent.
TBC