DISCLAIMER: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of its characters. Also, P.T.A. stands for Parent Teacher Association. Please Thank Author would also work, however.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: For the purpose of comedy, some characters may be OOC (out-of-character). Those who have read Funny Sessions and Funnier Sessions already know the drill.
O-O-O
A bus stopped in front of a large middle school building. The door opened, and Alice stepped out, books in hand, ready to begin another day in the life of a seventh-grader.
"I hate school," Alice mumbled.
Someone once told me the grass is much greener
On the other side
So I punched him in the face
And said "stop talking in overdone cliches!"
Every day, things are the same
Till further notice
I'm in detention
I guess I'm lucky
It wasn't a suspension
But at least no one tells me the grass is much greener...
On the other side
As Alice walked up to her locker, she was approached by three girls, all of them wearing identical pink t-shirts with matching blue jeans. The only words on the t-shirts were "Fabercombie and Mitch, Est. 2057". Alice tried to walk around them, but one of the girls thrust her arm out into Alice's path, stopping her.
"Aren't you going to compliment us on our clothes?" asked the girl who'd stopped Alice. The girl had long, red hair, which seemed to glisten as the light from the ceiling shined down on it.
"Yeah!" said the girl immediately to the redhead's left, brushing her light brown hair away from her face. "These t-shirts cost 10,000 wulongs, you know!""Why would anyone pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt, when you can get something that looks a lot better for less money?" asked Alice, a puzzled look on her face.
"Because it's made by Fabercombie and Mitch, duh," said the girl who hadn't yet spoken, a tall girl with short blonde hair. "Why don't you have any Fabercombie and Mitch stuff? I heard your family's rich."
"Yeah, well... I don't wanna pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt, and anyone who spends that much on a t-shirt is retarded."
Alice pushed past the three girls and walked up to her locker. As she began to open it up, the redheaded girl walked up to Alice and tapped her on the shoulder.
"What did you call us?" asked the girl, an angry look on her face. "I'm Maxine Starla, the most popular girl in school... nobody calls me retarded and gets away with it!"
Ignoring the angry redhead, Alice placed her books in her locker, keeping her math book, which she would need for her first-hour class. She walked to class, and Maxine continued to yell, her blonde and brunette friends echoing everything the redhead said.
"Nobody calls us retarded, you hear!" shouted Maxine.
"Nobody!" mimicked the blonde.
"Nobody!" mimicked the brunette.
"You're going down!" shouted Maxine.
"Down!" mimicked the blonde.
"Down!" mimicked the brunette."You'll pay!" shouted Maxine.
"Pay!" mimicked the blonde.
"Pay!" mimicked the brunette.
Alice walked into her first-hour class. As she closed the door behind her, Maxine had a few last words for the girl who'd insulted her.
"Alice Oniyate... we will BURY YOU!"
O-O-O
Session 54: P.T.A. Pasquinade
O-O-O
"Now, before class gets started, I'd like to remind you all that there is a P.T.A. meeting tonight at 6:30. I'd like it if all of your parents would attend," said the teacher, a middle-aged woman with curly brown hair.
"Hey, Alice..." said a girl with short, light blue hair, seated just behind Alice's desk. "Is your mom gonna come to the PTA meeting?"
"I don't know, Makiko..." Alice replied. "I heard something really bad happened last time..."
O-O-O
At the last PTA meeting, the conversation had shifted to discussion about the school's budget. Faye, who really didn't like sitting through boring discussions, had fallen asleep right in the middle of the meeting.
"Daddy..." said a little boy seated inbetween his father and the still-sleeping Faye, tugging on his dad's shirt sleeve. "This is boring, why did I have to come to this stupid thing?"
"Because I couldn't get a babysitter tonight, and your brother's at a baseball game," said the boy's father.
"But it's not fair..." said the boy. He looked to his left and saw Faye, sleeping like a rock. "Hey... that lady has free balloons!"
O-O-O
Later that day at lunch, Alice and Makiko sat together at a small round table in the corner of the room. Usually, several people joined them at the table, but on this particular day, no one would sit with them at all. In fact, no one would sit within three tables of them, leaving the two girls isolated in the corner of the room.
"What the heck's going on?" said Makiko, looking around. "Why is nobody eating with us?"
"I don't know... but I'm getting to the bottom of it," said Alice.She got up from her table and walked over toward the other side of the room. Several of her fellow students began to run away as she drew near, and when she walked up to a table that contained several of the students who had used to sit with her and Makiko, all of them except one got up from the table. The last one, a tall boy with long, brown hair, began to slowly slink away, but Alice stopped him by reaching out and grabbing his arm, preventing his escape.
"Please... please let me go!" shouted the boy. "I don't want to catch-"
"Don't wanna catch what, Trent?" Alice asked, her grip tightening around the boy's arm.
"Maxine said... she said that you and Makiko were lesbian lovers, and that you both have AIDS!"
Alice's jaw dropped in shock. Her grip loosened slightly, but not enough to allow Trent to get away.
"Wait a minute. Even if Makiko and I were lesbian lovers, which we're not, and even if we did have AIDS, which we don't... AIDS isn't spread by close contact! I thought you learned that in health class, just like you learned not to use drugs and not to eat candy or you'll die a horrible, painful death."
"Maxine said you guys have Uber-AIDS... which is even more contaigous than chicken pox!"
"Uber-AIDS, huh?" Alice said. "Looks like somebody's about to get an uber-beating... where's Maxine?"
"Over there," said Trent, pointing to a table near the entrance of the room. There, Maxine and her two friends were seated, along with three tough-looking boys, apparently their boyfriends. Alice stormed over to Maxine's table and glared at the redhead, her eyes filled with pure hatred.
"Where the heck do you get off saying that me and Makiko are lesbian lovers and we have Uber-AIDS?" Alice shouted. "You know that's not true!"
Smiling, Maxine took out a tape recorder and pressed "play".
"Me and Makiko are lesbian lovers and we have Uber-AIDS?" said Alice's voice over the recording.
"See, it is true," Maxine said. "It's right here on this tape."
"Yeah... that's what you get for calling us retarded!" shouted Maxine's blonde friend.
"We did bury you, just like Maxine said!" taunted the brunette. "All hail the immortal Fabercombie and Mitch Syndicate!"
"Ugh..." Alice groaned in disgust, bowing her head. "I can't believe this... completely outsmarted by those stupid preps!"
"Alice... I believe you and I could make a deal," said Maxine, smiling viciously. "I'll call off the rumor... if you promise to be my slave for the rest of the school year!"
"Hey, isn't this how a lot of Sailor Moon hentai fanfiction starts?" whispered one of the boys at the table to another one. The other one shook his head and pointed straight ahead. The first boy paused for a few seconds, pointed straight out as the second one had done, then nodded affirmatively
"What?" shouted Alice. "No way! I've got my pride to think about here!"
"I think you already lost your pride, Alice," replied the blonde. "You don't have a choice."
O-O-O
"This... blows!" Alice shouted, tossing her backpack down on the couch and marching up to her room. Andy Jr., who'd arrived home earlier because he went to elementary school, followed his sister up the stairs.
"What blows?" replied Andy Jr."That bitch Maxine started a rumor about me and Makiko having Uber-AIDS, and she wouldn't agree to stop spreading it unless I promised to be her slave for the rest of the year," said Alice.
"Why don't you just tell mom?" replied Jim, who had started to walk past Alice at the exact moment she'd begun to speak. "Telling mom always works... just like I'm gonna tell her that you said the b-word! MOMMY! MOMMY!!!"
"This day just keeps getting worse and worse..." Alice groaned.
O-O-O
After Jim had tattled, Alice had been called into the family room to have a discussion with her parents.
"I can't believe you'd use a word like that!" Andy said. "That's it, little lady... no more NASCAR for you. That Dale Earnhardt Jr. IV just uses way too many curse words."
"Don't you mean Dale Earnhardt V?" Alice asked.
"You heard your father, no more NASCAR," Faye said. Just as Alice was about to say that she didn't even watch NASCAR in the first place, Faye continued. "Also, you have to come to the P.T.A. meeting with me tonight."
"Why?" shouted Alice. "It's so boring, and-"
"Bingo," replied Faye. "Even I don't want to go to the P.T.A. meeting. The only reason I'm going is that Andy thinks the P.T.A. president is a bountyhead."
"She is," said Andy. "And she's worth fifteen million wulongs!"
"Geez, what'd she even do?" asked Alice. "That's quite a lot of money..."
"She robbed a bank last week," replied Faye. "So, anyway... we've gotta go after her. And since you've been bad, you're coming with us."
"And no NASCAR! Ever!" said Andy. "See, I do know how to parent my daughter!"O-O-O
"We're going now, kids..." said Andy. Faye and Alice were already in the car, and Andy was in the family room with his other six children, saying goodbye. "Since you kids tortured the babysitter a few days ago, we're going to let the TV babysit you this week... I always thought the TV was the best babysitter anyway. Have fun, kids!"
Andy left, leaving the six kids alone in the room with the television.
"I wanna watch something cool," said Cyrus, pointing the remote control at the television and turning it on."Today, on the 'TV Shows From Movies' Channel, it's everyone's favorite game show... The Million Dollar Sticky!"
"Million Dollar Sticky!" shouted Mystery, repeatedly clapping her hands. "Yaaaaaay!"
O-O-O
The P.T.A. meeting took place in the school's gym, where a large podium had been set up at center court. About a hundred folding chairs were placed facing the podium, and occupying three of those chairs in the front row were Andy, Faye, and Alice.
"This is so boring..." Faye groaned. "But at least no perverts are trying to grab my boobs. Last time, this jerkwad groped me right in front of his kid! Can you believe that, Andy?"
"I'm just glad you gave him what he deserved," Andy replied. "Well, maybe he deserved sixteen kicks in the crotch instead of fifteen."
"You're absolutely right, Andy," said Faye. "Some people are just unbelievable..."
"Remember, everyone," said the woman at the podium. "Next week's fundraiser is about to begin. Now, for this year, we're going to be requiring all students to sell at least ten items in order to pass their classes."
"Bullcrap!" Faye shouted, standing up and pointing at Alice. "There's no way in hell anybody's making my daughter sell overpriced candy! That's ridiculous, there's no way!"
"Wow, I guess that got mom going..." Alice thought. "Wait a minute, my parents always buy lots of candy from me in my fundraisers anyway... I bet she's just trying to create a distraction so dad can catch her! All right, mom!"
"Well, um... any parents who, uh... wish to have their sons or daughters opt out of the program can, um... write a check to the school for 5,000 wulongs and-"
"You know what I think of your 5,000 wulongs?" Faye shouted, taking out her wallet and pulling out a 5,000-wulong bill. "Here's what I think of your 5,000 wulongs!"
Faye pressed the bill up to her face and blew her nose with it, drenching the paper money in snot.
"Yeah!" shouted Andy, also getting up from his chair. "You can't handle the truth!""Andy... do you even know what the hell I'm talking about?" Faye asked him. Andy shook his head, and Faye kissed him on the cheek. "Sit down, dear..."
By now, everyone at the meeting was staring at Andy and Faye. Andy sat down, while Faye continued to speak.
"You can't force children to sell candy in order to pass!" Faye shouted.
"But it teaches children responsibility," replied the P.T.A. president. "If kids learn the value of a dollar, they'll do better in school and better in life!"
"You'd be one to talk, robbing banks to make your money..." Faye thought.
"Well, anyway... we'll vote on the matter, and then we'll have snacks," said the woman. Several teachers began passing out slips of paper to all the parents in the crowd. "Just write yes or no on your paper, and then place it in the ballot box."
The parents, including Andy and Faye, wrote down their votes and placed them in the ballot box. When the voting was finished, the P.T.A. president took the ballot box and left the room, while the rest of the parents and teachers began eating the various snacks that had been placed out for them on a large table near the front of the gym. While all of this was happening, Andy, Faye, and Alice stood together at the exit of the room, formulating their plan to catch the bountyhead.
"Alice, as part of your punishment... you don't get to come with us to catch the bountyhead," said Faye.
"Besides, it's two-on-one already... we can take her ourselves," added Andy. "I mean, she can't be armed. Only weird goth kids take guns into a school building!"
"Dad, I don't think that's entirely accu-"
"We'll be right back, okay?" Faye said, leaning down and kissing Alice on the forehead. "You just stay here and have some snacks. They have cookies... and punch!"
"Oh goodie, my favorite..." Alice said sarcastically, walking over to the snack table while her parents left the room to hunt down their bounty.
O-O-O
Meanwhile, inside a dark janitor's closet, the P.T.A president was busily counting up the votes from the meeting, unaware that Andy and Faye were about to end her days of freedom. Well, either that, or mess up horribly and have to be bailed out by their daughter again.
"'No'.... 'no'... another 'no'... geez, I just wanted to teach these kids some responsibility... 'no'... 'you're going down, criminal'...? Huh? Who wrote-"
"That'd be me," said Faye, standing in the doorway with a smirk on her face. "And you are going down!"
"Yeah, you... bad... criminal... bank-robbing person!" said Andy. "Take this!"Andy started to throw a punch at the woman, but stopped short just inches from hitting her face.
"Andy, what's the matter?" Faye asked. "Hit her!"
"I'm sorry, Faye... I just can't do it," Andy replied, pulling back his fist. "I just can't strike a woman! I'm a cowboy, it's not-"
Suddenly, the scene froze, as if paused by a VCR remote. A large, bearded man walked out in front of the screen, looking directly out into the audience.
"Actually," said the man, "Andy has hit women in the past, despite what his chivalrous nature as a cowboy would indicate. Just watch these past examples of Andy's record of violence against the female gender."
Fahrenheit Andy
(written, produced, and directed by Michael Moore IV)
"Oh, Cowboy Andy, my hero!" the old lady said.
"It's nothing," Andy said. "Really."Andy punched the old lady in the gut. The old lady fell over, dropping the bag of cash. Andy looked into the bag."There's red ink all over these bills," Andy said. "Just as I thought. Looks like I caught the 'Old Lady Bandit'."
"As you can see," said Michael Moore IV, "Andy's violence isn't even relegated to the young. Even the elderly have felt his wrongtious fury. Yes, I know that wrongtious isn't a word. Screw you, I'm right, and you're wrong. Here's another scene of Andy's violence against women."
"Maybe my bullets will work," Andy said, pointing his gun at Ruby and firing several rounds.
"He's even shot at them," said Michael Moore IV. "Fortunately, his bullets missed, but assault is assault. 73 of people agree with me, because I'm Michael Moore. Actually, I'm his great-grandson, but screw you."
"I beat your friend," Loft said. "What makes you so sure you can beat me?"
"Nothing!" Andy shouted. "But I'm gonna give it the old college try anyway!"
Andy ran at Loft and kicked her in the head, knocking her back. She somersaulted backward to keep her balance, then ran at Andy and punched him in the nose.
"Ouch!" Andy shouted. "Take this!"
Andy leapt up and kicked at Loft again. She ducked under the kick and rolled under Andy's legs, then kicked him in the back, knocking him to his knees."Sorry I can't stay, but I've got a plane to catch! Actually, I don't. But it's a really good excuse! So long, sucker!" Loft shouted. She ran out of the tomb and into the night. Andy stood up and shook his fist.
"You won't get away with this!" Andy shouted. "Because I am- oh, just screw it. I just got beat by a GIRL!"
"So, as you can see, Andy has injured members of the female gender in the past," said Michael Moore IV. "Whether he's doing it now or not is irrelevant, but I just wanted to let you know that he has done it before. Now that that's cleared up, back to the Funniest Sessions.
The scene restarted.
"Fine!" Faye shouted. "If you won't subdue this bountyhead, I will!"
Faye threw a punch at the P.T.A. president's head. The punch connected, knocking the woman back into the wall.
"Why are you attacking me?" shouted the woman. "I didn't rob any bank!"
"Yes you did!" shouted Andy. "Your picture was on the news and everything! You're wanted all over the solar system!"
"So what if I did?" replied the woman. "I'll let you know I had a damn good reason to rob that bank!"
"And just what was that?" asked Faye.
"Well," said the woman, walking up to the ballot box and picking it up. "If you'll look closely... it's right inside this box.""Really?" said Andy, looking down into the box.
"Andy, that's the ballot box, that's not-"
But it was too late. The woman picked up the box and (insert whichever you prefer: hit, smacked, whacked, smashed, bonked, bashed, clanged, clonked, clocked, whaled, beat, whanged, crunked, plunked, plonked) Andy over the head with it, knocking him out cold.
"Hey!" Faye shouted. "How dare you trick my husband like that! That does it, I'm going to..."
But when Faye reached down to her waist, she realized that her gun wasn't there.
"Oh yeah, this is a school... no guns..."
"Bingo," said the P.T.A. president, (insert whichever you prefer: hitting, smacking, whacking, smashing, bonking, bashing, clanging, clonking, clocking, whaling, beating, whanging, crunking, plunking, plonking) Faye over the head with the ballot box. Then, leaving the two unconscious bounty hunters in the janitor's closet, the P.T.A. president dashed out of the room and made her escape.
She got about ten yards.
"Hello, lady," said Alice, standing in front of the woman as she tried to run down the hall, ballot box in hand. "What'cha doooooooin'?"
"I'm just counting the votes for the poll we had tonight," said the woman, trying to get past Alice. "Would you let me through, please?"
"Tell me... what did you do with my parents, anyway?" asked Alice. "Ya know, after they tried to capture you? I mean, you did beat them, right? That's the only reason you're out here. Lemme guess... you killed them, didn't you?"
"No, I-"
"Or maybe they're not dead, maybe they're just tied up. Well, congrats, you just did something that me and any two of my siblings can do in five minutes flat. Wait, maybe you didn't hurt them at all. Maybe they just haven't found you yet. That's it, isn't it? I certainly hope so, because if you've harmed my parents in any way, I'm going to have to kick your ass. Yes, that's right, I said 'ass'. It doesn't matter anymore, though. If my parents are dead, they can't punish me, so I can say ass all I want. Ass ass ass ass-"
"I didn't kill your parents, or tie them up," replied the woman. Alice immediately stopped saying 'ass' and started looking around nervously.
"Oh geez, oh geez, I hope they didn't hear me-"
"I did knock them out, though," said the woman.
"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Alice immediately replied, running at the P.T.A. president and throwing a series of quick punches at her. The P.T.A. president took two blows to the face, recoiling away from Alice as she let loose a relentless wave of punches and kicks.
"I've gotta end this now!" thought the woman, swinging the ballot box at Alice's head. Before she actually swung the box, however, she stopped, letting the wooden green object face to the ground at Alice's feet. "No... no... I can't hit a child... I've never hit a child..."
The scene paused, and Michael Moore IV again stepped out.
"This... is actually true, she's never hit a child," said Michael Moore IV.
The scene restarted.
"You're under arrest, jerkface!" shouted Alice, picking up the ballot box. "Now I'm gonna knock you out!"
"I... had to rob those banks..." said the woman. "My daughter ran me into the ground... always demanding I buy those Fabercrombie and Mitch t-shirts... she wouldn't stop, we barely had enough to eat, we-"
"Wait a minute," said Alice. "Can I... ask you your name? First and last, please."
"Uh... Fabrika Starla," said the woman. "But why would you want to know-"
"Hmm..." said Alice, beginning to think to herself. "Maybe... we can work out some kind of a deal. But you have to promise never to rob another bank as long as you live."
"But how will I get the money to-"
"That's the other part of the deal. You need to set some limits for your daughter," said Alice. "She's being a complete jerk to me at school. Oh, and destroy any cassette tapes she might have on her person. Search her room, the whole works. You do this for me, and I'll let you escape. I'll tell my parents you knocked me out, and that'll be it."
"But wait," said the woman. "Won't... won't your parents be mad and come after me?"
"I guess you might have to quit being president of the P.T.A. too," said Alice. "So... do we have a deal?"
O-O-O
The next day, at school...
"So I guess, um... I guess I'm sorry for making up rumors about you and your friend," said Maxine, quite a bit more humble than she was the day before.
"Sorry," echoed her blonde friend.
"Sorry," echoed her brunette friend.
"And...?" said Alice, her hands to her hips. "What else are you sorry for?"
"Making you our slave," replied Maxine.
"Also, I see that your mom's making you sell your Fabercombie and Mitch t-shirts for 1,000 wulongs a piece. I'll take ten," said Alice, holding out a 10,000-wulong bill."I thought you said you'd never pay 10,000 wulongs for a t-shirt," said Maxine's blonde friend.
"10,000 for one, no. 10,000 for ten... well, that's kind of a bargain, isn't it?" said Alice, taking the entire bag of t-shirts from Maxine. "Now to give these to my real friends!"
O-O-O
"Hey, Faye..." said Andy, on his hands and knees on the family room floor, wearing an apron and holding a soapy sponge.
"Yeah, Andy?" replied Faye, also wearing an apron and holding a sponge, scrubbing the carpeted floor extremely firmly.
"Tell me why we're doing this again," said Andy.
"Oh, I don't know," said Faye. "Maybe it's because YOU LET SIX HYPERACTIVE KIDS WATCH THE MILLION DOLLAR STICKY WITHOUT BEING SUPERVISED BY A BABYSITTER!!!"
"Oh," replied Andy, returning to scrubbing the carpet. "Just wondering."
See you, space cowboy...
O-O-O
Alice: So, up until now, it's been me saving mom and dad's butt from bountyheads.
Andy Jr.: But you know...
Cyrus: There are other characters on the show besides Alice, mom, and dad.
Chibi Spikuu!: Yeah yeah!
Mystery: Next time, we're literally stealing the show!
Jim: Well, a few of us, anyway.
Mellie: Yeah, some people slip through the cracks...
Alice: Now I know why you kids aren't allowed to say and do very much. You make a mess of everything!
Mellie: Shut up, sis. Next episode of Bebop... "The Kids Are Not Alright"!
Alice: I'd say that's pretty accurate...