You promised you'd never lie to me. That was the very first lie you ever said to me, though I'm fairly certain it was rather unintentional. After all, you did do several things unintentionally, be it that they were good or bad. If the lies I were referring to were the little white ones you told every now and then, it wouldn't be a big deal. But the lies I'm talking about are so much more than something so insignificant as the 'I left my homework at home, may I copy yours?' That was something I could always easily brush off, and I had never really minded in the past at all. In fact, I enjoyed all the times you would lean over my shoulder to get the answers down. True, it wasn't helpful really to give you the answers instead of letting you learn on your own… it's just every time that happened you were so close to me. Okay, so I did it for my own selfish reason, but come on. You were cheating, so either way we were using each other.
I know you can hear me; it doesn't take a genius to know that. If you can't though, that's all right. I'll just yell at you when I come right after. Heh, I'll probably break down then too while screaming at you asking why. Why you had lied to me each and every day, over and over again. When you were finally done lying to us all, you gave us the biggest shock and the most heart-wrenching experience. At least to me, it has to be the worst bit of knowledge and feeling for the remainder of my life. Part of me still doesn't believe what happened did happen, and the other half just wants to collapse right there on the ground when this ceremony ends and they take you to the graveyard to be buried. Just lie there, and never move again while staring blankly at the cold stone when they are all done.
You probably don't even know what lies I'm talking about, do you? It's all right; you were always a bit slow when it came to yourself. Others though, you knew very well. Just as well, it's little wonder why I never got around to telling you. It'd take me years to finally make you understand, not that you are dense or anything… but at times you can be a bit slow. Don't give me that look, I know you're giving it. I know you well enough when you give it, and why you do. Trust me, you can be slow you idiot. Probably shouldn't be calling you an idiot right now, seeing as I'm the bigger idiot for believing all those lies. Every last lie you told me each day, and I believed it without question. After all, you did say you would never lie to me.
Each smile was a lie. You smiled a good portion of the time, therefore all you ever did was lie. I know you weren't trying to lie, and I know at least one of them was a true smile. Or so that's what I would like to believe, that I got at least one true smile out of you at least once… especially during the time you were lying to me. You could say my ego is still around, even after all this. We are, after all, in a way rivals so if I let my ego go, you win. Then again, if letting you win brings you back… of course, after this happened my ego was so damaged for not noticing I'm surprised it's still there. What am I talking about me hurting? Look at you!
Every time you said 'I'm all right, don't worry' you lied. It hurts so much to think that you said that for my benefit only, not even bothering to share what ailed you. Perhaps you never said it because you were afraid of me hating you (although that's impossible). Maybe you never told me because it was a pride thing, you didn't want to admit something was upsetting you. You might not have been telling me because you didn't trust me even. I don't know, I'm not you. Knowing your personality though, it might have been that you didn't want to bother or upset anyone. More likely than not a bit of the pride thing too, you always were a bit hotheaded.
It seems that of your own mind wasn't enough to keep you warm and safe at night though. The heat of your recklessness couldn't protect you from whatever it was that had taken a hold of you. If we still had our Digimon from all those years ago, would they have kept you safe from the dangers? Would I still have you with me, unharmed and still here? Would I still have the chance to tell you, and ensure that nothing like this would ever happen again? God, give me a second chance please… even if these feelings are supposed to be against what you have us believe. After all, you wouldn't create your children just to condemn them, right?
My friend, my rival, my secret crush… I forgot to mention something. Did you know suicide only cast you down to hell because you just committed murder to a human life, and being dead you are unable to repent for the wrongdoing? That's all right. Being what I am, I'll join you one day or another. Whether I decide to take your escape route, or to just let my body wither and rot away as I give in to darkness… either way, I'll be seeing you again. I don't care that I'll suffer eternity in agony, because once I get there I'll be with you. Even if the feelings aren't returned, I know you'll at least still be my friend.
Just when I get there, don't give me a sad smile in welcome. Give me a true smile, and I won't care about anything else that happens to me. True, I'd have to say the only torture they could put on me is to harm even the smallest bit of bacterium on you… or to even try to inflict any damage to you mentally. Alas, what more can they do to you in the head anymore anyway? I mean seriously, Takuya you don't kill yourself with a pizza cutter. You have one very twisted sense of humor, I hope you realize that. You may be the cutest damn thing on this planet… or, were the cutest damned thing… well, you are damned now but…
You get the idea. You can be cute all you want, with both your twisted switch between innocent and suddenly become the most perverted person I know. It's ridiculous, you've no idea how hard it has become to understand you, even harder now. Why? Well, you idiot, it's because you aren't exactly here with me everyday anymore. There I go, calling you an idiot. Look at that, the pot calling the kettle black. I'm going to ask you something now, and I want you to answer me both honestly and quickly. Each minute passing by as more of me is beginning to accept that you are gone, the desire to keep going fades even more so. Like your smile and honesty has been. Fading away, slowly but surely and ebbing at your being.
Did someone do this to you? Did someone hurt you? …did I ever hurt you? Please, just tell me. If someone did this to you, seeing as I'm already condemned for loving you it wouldn't matter if I stabbed ravenously at the person who did this you. Even if it's myself, anyone who could hurt you deserves pain. If no one did this to you… then why? What could have been so horrible that you had to go and misuse a pizza cutter like that? Yes, this is no laughing matter but for some reason I just keep imagining you with Agnimon laughing at me for agonizing over this so much. As I already pointed out, you have one very twisted sense of humor…
Stupid sun. Why is it shining out on a day like this? The day of your funeral? It's supposed to be pouring rain, wind howling in despair at the world losing someone like you. The thunder proclaiming its fury, the lightning striking through the sky in angry lashes, and the dark clouds showing that without you burning brightly there is nothing to be happy about. There is no warm feeling, nothing but a drenching cold. Of course, in Mother Nature is probably happy if she's this bright and sunny. Stupid nature, acting as if it's glorifying your death as some kind of feat. Disgusting! I know you hate it when I sound so bitter… but this is you we're talking about.
Knowing you, you're either laughing your ass off at my misery because this had been intended as a sick joke of yours, or you're blushing like no tomorrow. It seems like when anyone but me talked about you you'd laugh all high-and-mighty, getting a high from such compliments and finding yourself rather egotistical. When I complimented you, however, you would laugh nervously with a light red tinge on your cheeks. I always found it odd, but never questioned it. Did you not like it when I complimented you? Did you not like being with me…? This insecurity you caused in me is annoying, and now I know you're laughing at me you insane jerk. Yes, I Kouji the Jerk, just called YOU a JERK! You left me here!
Don't you dare say I'm acting like a girl PMSing, because you would too if someone you loved had killed themselves for reasons unknown. It doesn't help that when they found your bloody body and blank eyes they also found other things… cuts on your shoulders, bruises covering your legs. Were you smashing your legs intentionally into tables or was someone doing that to you? I don't like neither, but I'd rather go with some freak was doing it. Because then I can keep my image of you, pure and happy even if you weren't. You were always everything I wasn't, and now I'm not so sure any more.
Each time I try to imagine them finding you, it sends a shudder through me. Seeing those normally welcoming reddish-brown eyes suddenly empty with nothing there. Damn, it goes against every bit inside of me. Why couldn't you have told me what was wrong!? Even if it's hard for me to accept you being sad, it's only because I've never SEEN you sad. If you showed me, if you let me help you… at least be there for you… They are letting people go up to the coffin and pay their last respects. I won't do it. To see that tan skin paled from blood loss and death… those bright eyes closed forever… not to mention the cold skin that could make the chills I'm getting even worse.
The greatest nightmare imaginable manifested itself into this world, and became true. You hurt yourself, you told no one, I should have noticed, and finally you killed yourself. With a pizza cutter. What hell were you thinking? About food while your were probably sobbing your gentle heart out? Hey, whenever you caught me crying you'd always say some of the stupidest things… now I don't have you here, and I never will. Hopefully I'll become schizophrenic and hallucinate seeing you everywhere. Either that or get hit by a car, murdered, catch a fatal disease…
…or… I can do what you did. No, it's not the best choice. Yes, maybe I should get help but… crying doesn't do anything and pills never solve problems. They are like when you clean your room and stuff everything in your closet. Sure, it stays in there for a while and no one notices unless you open it. Eventually though, it'll get overstuffed if you keep doing that and finally explode, things going everywhere. Like locking your feelings inside… is that what you did Takuya? Instead of hurting someone else, you took out on your own being? Damn you… you don't seem to think about your own well fare.
Has it ever occurred to you that how well you do determines how well others do? Tomoki took this pretty hard, crying there with his mother and father. Yutaka, his older brother, came as well and seems a bit upset too. The two of you never met, and really I've never met him either. Izumi locked herself in her own room for a few days, and it took forever before any of us got her out. When we did, her eyes were red and puffy, with dark circles beneath her eyes. She hadn't slept the entire time she was locked in there; she had spent the entire time on the Internet researching information on suicides and possible causes.
It was her way of coping, and she still hasn't slept since. Her mother took her to a doctor, fearing for both Izumi's well being and sanity. They say without enough sleep you could go crazy and well… our blonde friend has been seeing some really freaky stuff lately. After the funeral they were going to try sleeping pills, and if it didn't work something else. I'm not sure what it is. Junpei got very quiet, and made every effort possible to try and help Izumi. Though I think he is merely trying to help her because he is worried about her too, not because he wants to get some screwed up relationship out of it.
Kouichi kind of went into shock when he found out, and well… no one has ever heard him say anything ever since. I don't know what his deal is, but he isn't talking any time soon. Takuya, you were our leader and yet you left us all alone and behind. Even if it was unintentional, you still did. While you were our leader, however I always just wanted to hold you close and never let go. I doubt your personality would permit it though; you are somewhat of a control-freak. Don't look at me like that, you just need to admit it. You and your damn pizza cutters leave me alone… because sadly enough, I find myself liking the pizza cutter. Not because it took you away, but because it can take me to you. Those aren't healthy thoughts my brunette.
I'm insane; I'm saying that and forgetting but the fact that any of my thoughts involving you are never healthy. Trust me, they are very far from healthy in the type of society we live in. I heard that over in America, around six years a teenage boy murdered for being homosexual. With people like that out there, please believe me when I say my thoughts aren't healthy. It's funny in a way, because when I thought that… part of me hoped that perhaps whatever it was that bothered you so was that you were gay. That's a horrible thought, and just makes me want to stab a knife through me hand over and over again. Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Ack, now listen to me. I've gone from considering to suicide to wanting to self-mutilate myself. I don't know how you did it, but you seem to make me do and think the weirdest things. Like when I saved you from my brother when he was under Cherubimon's control, or when I yelled at you for not taking things seriously… Normally I wouldn't have saved someone right after yelling at them for being reckless. Though, when seeing you in the path of danger I moved without thinking. I think I loved you then, though not quite how I love you now. You're probably laughing maniacally up there at the compliment you just received from me. Like a ship captain who follows the North Star without question, I'm attracted to go wherever you are.
That's probably why I never had a problem with you being leader; despite the fact we butted heads so often. Then again, on a few occasions I do recall making you angry just because you were so cute with your eyes ablaze, losing yourself to the heat of the argument. The fire around you is so apparent, but now its out. I really hate water and sand now. They snuffed you out, the mud on the inner ocean inside of you making your feet stuck to it as the water drowned you. That's it; I don't care what anyone says or what happens to me afterwards. I'm going to see your physical form one last time to make sure this isn't a dream. Right when we get home and everyone is asleep, I'm going to come join you in the spiritual world.
"Kouji, I really don't think you should go see him." Kouichi whispered gently, and Kouji glanced at his twin with blank eyes. It was first time the other spoke, but the younger of the two paid no mind to it.
"Why?" Kouji asked any way, ignoring the inside of him demanding to check if it was all a dream.
"I don't want to see you upset." Kouichi whispered. He knew that his younger twin was very close to Takuya, though he wasn't entirely sure why even though he was older.
"I won't be." Kouji said in a voice rather hauntingly monotone, and walked silently up to the black coffin. They were inside the church holding the funeral, and the suns rays poured in. While it was a small church, what Kouji did not realize was that the church held a strange resemblance to the cathedral where Takuya had fought Mercurymon. Just as well, it would only cause Kouji to go into a state of bitter hate and probably an insane hope that the brunette was in the Digital World. Sometimes the sadness inside makes you do some pretty crazy things… especially in the name of your hearts desire.
Serene blue eyes with a barrier held up to hide the emotions and thoughts in the mind behind them glanced down. His hands were shaking, and his heart slowed and began aching in a way he never realized it could. Things blurred, and he slowly became aware of tears rolling down his cheeks. Slowly, he touched his right hand to his cheeks, and felt the warm tears on them. He quickly blinked them away and glanced up, before letting his eyes go back down to see the very reason for the sudden call of the salty droplets to come.
There in the coffin, with bright red that perfectly matched the brunette's personality and departure, was his best friend. Not to mention secret love. The pale skin made Kouji's stomach tie in knots and something, perhaps whatever he had last eaten (which had been four days ago when he finally lost the will to) come rising up. He quickly swallowed it, refusing to let it get anywhere near his lost flame. It was probably bile, and in his opinion it was some nasty stuff. Seeing that no one was looking, Kouji took a shaky head and brushed some of the soft brown strands. It might be his last time any way...
Might. I still have hope I can see you again. Slowly jerking his hand away, Kouji looked down at it with a forlorn look. Glazed eyes slowly traveled at and stared blankly at, and seemingly through the still form in the coffin. If they hadn't placed a jacket on the brunette, Kouji probably would be unable to handle the situation he was in now. His legs felt weak, and his heart felt both dead and torn like a cheese shredder was ripping it up into small little unrecognizable pieces. Ensuring one last time no one was looking, Kouji placed a small white rose inside next to the dead body.
"See you soon." Kouji whispered, and closed his eyes. He'd smile, but it was no longer in him to even try. Attempting to calm the world around him, he slowly realized he was smiling when a soft memory of when they were in the Digital World came to mind. For whatever reason Kouji had called out the brunette's name, and Takuya turned around and smiled softly because asking 'what?' How he longed for that… to see one final smile. Maybe he was losing it like Izumi slowly was, but he could almost swear he saw his dead friend smirk. Mocking me still? Once the funeral ended, everyone had driven home. Kouji gave no outward or detectable sign of what he was thinking, needing, or feeling.
The night swept in, coming unusually quickly. Rain soon came after it, finally mourning for the loss this world has suffered. Either that or it knows what I'm doing, and its finally getting through to the world that hate drives people to the edge. I don't know what pushed Takuya over the edge, but I do know whatever it was will get what's coming to it. Gently pressing my index finger on the wheel of the pizza cutter, I pushed forward harshly and watched it spin in circles as bright red came from the small gash created by it. Rain splattered against the window glass like the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. This is what you used, but I'm not going to. You see, my sense of humor was whatever yours was.
Anything you thought was funny, I suddenly found amusing too… even if I originally had not seen it as humorous. It's your gift; you can make anything seem funny… except this. Placing the glimmering object down, I sigh softly. Every breath hurts now, I never knew what someone meant by pain until now. You don't know agony and torture until the one you love is gone. I learned this, and all I can say what you feel on the inside can never be described by mere words. How I long to run through the rain and thunder, to ignore the splashing and go to your current resting place.
In fact, that's what I'm doing know. I can't stand being away from you, even if technically you aren't here to begin with. Though what I'm planning to do, being at your tombstone is the perfect place. I bet you really are laughing now, as you watched me just slip and fall right on my ass. Well, just so you know Takuya I'll slide and tear my own skin over and over again for you. Even when the skin is gone, and there is merely red flesh beneath I'll fall and let it rip open and tear even more. You are worth all the pain in the world, so long as you are truly happy. Don't try and lie to me again saying you are happy, because if you were… you'd still be here with us. With me.
The rain is beautiful tonight; mixing with my tears erasing the signs I was crying and made me look like someone who had slept in his contacts much too long. You know, the flower store I'm making a pit stop at is where I bought my stepmother her flowers. You know these two flowers, right? A red rose stands for everlasting love I believe, and Forget-Me-Nots represent remembering. It's too bad I can only afford two for you, while I got someone I could care less about a bouquet. I guess that's life's irony for you, just as the happiest and most loving person I know was really in inner turmoil.
If you are scolding me for running out in the rain without any protection or warmth, well that's your fault. If you had let me give you protection and warmth, we'd both probably be at the others houses joking around. We would be using the pizza cutter for what it was made for, not for what you seemed to decide was a 'better' purpose. There, now you have flowers at your grave. It upset me greatly when I didn't have anymore aside from the small rose now resting with your body, and no one else left you one at all that I'm aware of. The thing that pissed me off though… were the people shaking their heads at you as they left.
They didn't know you, and they were judging you. I hate that, I hate life, I hate my family, I hate the world and most of all… I hate the fact you left me here alone and people don't realize how special you are. Now, I'm coming for you whether you want me to or not. Deal with it. I love you, and I doubt there's anyone else out there for me. Living on knowing you are somewhere in possible pain can probably kill me in itself, even thinking of… now you really are laughing at me. Hugging myself like a small child, tears racing the rain to see which falls from my face first. I can't help it.
Images of you being impaled by a giant sword, the very essence of you spilling everywhere eyes glazing over into emptiness as you slowly drift away from me. I hate seeing it, but it keeps playing over and over again in my mind like some sick video made by those weirdoes on the Internet. Maybe I am crazy, hugging your tombstone close to me as if it were you. Ignoring the stabbing pain, ignoring the self-consciousness that I'm holding a stone slab as if you were instead in my arms. The very thought warms and settles my insides. God… what I'm going to do is going to make you hate me even more now most likely. But if you represent love like my family has taught me, then hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive Takuya and me and spare us.
Or at least let me be with him, or see him happy in heaven… I don't care if it means sending me to hell… I just want him happy! Takuya, if you hear me to then damnit… I love you too much to let you be sad, and whatever torture meant for you I'd more than happily go through to protect you. You were my world, my life, my everything and now your gone. But not for long, I will see you again. I know it's insane… I know you are probably worried about my sanity right now. But you don't realize how I long to just keep you happy and safe. I don't care if you will only be my friend, I don't care if you grow to hate me, just be happy. I have to make sure you are happy.
'Takuya Kanbara: 1988-2004
Beloved son, friend, and student. Rest in Peace." That's what they put on your tombstone. I roughly rubbed my index finger I cut with your weapon of choice earlier to draw the blood out again. There, now it says, "Rest in Peace and happiness." Now I can finally do what I came too… what, you thought I just skinned my knee merely to give you flowers? Come now Takuya, you aren't some girl… you're a fellow man I love, and seriously… flowers just don't do you justice. Now, I'm coming for your whether you like it or not buddy. There, I stole your word and get used to it my flame. Yes, you also have a new nickname whether you like that or not too.
When Kouichi had come over to the Minamoto household that night, he went into Kouji's room and saw the teen was both not there and left a certain metallic object on the desk he generally worked on homework with. Alerting the adults of this, they quickly drove off in search of the missing teenager. The checked the streets, dropped by the Kanbara house, and anyone else they could think of. It wasn't until Kouichi suggested they check the graveyard until they had found him.
Kouji Minamoto was rushed to the hospital, doctors rushing to try and keep what life was still there alive. It was a hopeless cause, but they tried any way. At midnight he was officially dead, and the cause of death was simple. At first Kouji had tried slitting his wrists, but he must've figured it wasn't enough because there were also bite marks on them. It horrified the parents, and greatly disturbed Kouichi by his brother's drastic actions. It was beyond them what could have caused the troubled teen to do something so morbid to him self.
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In a field of flowers made of memories and hearts, they say souls find peace there. They also say in the Shibuya Memorial, a local graveyard, you can sometimes hear two teenage boys laughter fill the air. Two graves yearly grow two certain kinds of flowers, and lay right next to each other. No one knows how the flowers grow there, or why they do. All they know is every now and then the pollen from the Forget-Me-Nots and roses can sometimes make you hallucinate. Or so they claim.
For example, there have been several reports of a black-haired teenager talking with a brown-haired teenager, both joking around. When the person blinked, the two ghostly pale figures disappear as if they were never there. Though the haunting laughter would ring through your ears as if they never left there either. It was confusing, and quite creepy so people left that place alone. It was all right; those who did venture near would see the greatest sight of all.
True love full in bloom, no matter when you go near. Some people never find their soul mates, and settle with something close. Other people however, find them and they spend the remainder of their lives together forever. Others though, find each other in the afterlife and get granted eternity with one another. And that's how both Kouji and Takuya ended up together. Pay a visit to the cemetery, and smile at how beautiful love can really be. Both boys wrapped in each other's arms and life, a connection never broken and a unity impossible to achieve by physical means. A soft kiss, and they fade away as the flowers wither and die beneath them. Then when the flowers are reborn, they reappear, still together. Remembering and loving the entire way.
Owari
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A/N: My first stab at angst, though I had to give it a happy ending. It's just… I can't be mean and keep those two away! They need to be together! It's not I want them to, they need to be. It's like… an unwritten rule. Also, I know I might have more or less hit some touchy subject area, but know what… I don't care. That's right, I don't. Have a problem, send me an e-mail. Don't yell at me anonymously through a review otherwise I can't justify myself, and you'll be a coward for merely flaming. Give me a chance to explain, and if you still don't agree that's okay and I'll respect your beliefs. But that doesn't mean I'll take this story down. I like it. –Sweat drops-
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon. Also, on a side note killing yourself does not solve your problems. As they say, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are considering it, talk to someone or get help. Better yet, do both. If you're hurting yourself… pretty much the same. Everyone is important and special; no one wants to see you in pain. Do it for yourself, and everyone else. Thank you.