Quick A/N: I know the title implies otherwise, but I shall extend this to mocking other things. Horrible Sues are not the only problem plaguing this particular fandom. (H/A coughs H/A)

Oh, and a big hug to some of the folks at Crim. Someone gave me the idea for the ending, and I stole it without asking. Désole and merci beaucoup to whoever that was.

Part Two: Holly Fowl

"Dammit, Artemis!" Holly cried, shaking the limp figure cradled in her arms. "Dammit all, just stay awake!"

Artemis Fowl the Second, his slender figure decked out in red, black and white, made no response besides the faintest fluttering of his eyelids. Pale lips quivered, trying to form words, but the blood painting them a fated crimson allowed little but a hoarse attempt at breath.

Holly's hands reached around his back, pulling him onto her narrow lap. Around them, giant granite slabs rained down on the city and outlying concrete plains; the 'sky' of Haven was falling. The city was abandoned, thankfully; thanks to Artemis' hijacking of the Council warning-system, they had gotten the evacuation order out on time—but Foaly would have wished it otherwise.

Holly blinked back tears at this thought. Foaly. Foaly, who had been her constant friend in the LEP for so long. Foaly, who had saved her life countless times. Foaly, who had betrayed them when they had least expected it. Foaly…

"Damn damn dammit all!" she cried, shaking Artemis' body again. The black Armani suit was dyed a truer shade of sable at his chest; before Foaly had been killed, he had managed to squeeze out one too many Mud Man-style rifle shots. Butler had died earlier of Foaly's machinations, though they had all blamed Artemis for it, and Root lay already buried in the LEP building he had dedicated his life to.

And there was Juliet. She had gone insane with the death of her brother, killing herself with that same rifle that eventually kil—fatally wounded Artemis.

Holly wished for the thousandth time she had magic left. The battle had left her drained of all her sparks, and Artemis hadn't told her until it was too late. He hadn't even worn a Kevlar jacket, driven by those biting words she had given him…

Regrets. She had so many of them. If she hadn't told Artemis that he was a coward, he would have worn that jacket and saved his own life. If she had only paid closer attention to that suspicioud limp, she could have gotten him to the medics in time.

If she hadn't even joined the LEP, she wouldn't have had to known Artemis Fowl.

But Artemis had made a mistake. And this time, there weren't any Butlers around to dive in front of the bullet.

Artemis was dying.

The tears fell hot and fat down her cheeks, some splattering onto Artemis' pale face. They left crescents through the grime, trailing down and across his gaunt cheekbones.

If her eyes hadn't been so blurred, she would have seen that not all those tears were hers.

"Holly?" Artemis asked weakly. His eyelids trembled, as if struggling to open.

Holly opened her eyes again, one hand reaching up to rub them eyes free of tears. "No, Artemis! Don't die on me!"

(No pun intended)

On her lap, Artemis finally managed to open his eyes. They were little more than slits; the curve of a bow, really; the ivory curve of the Greek Goddess Artemis' bow—glazed with death and pain. "Call… me…"

"Call you what?" Holly asked feveredly, holding Artemis closer. Around her, the granite began to truly fall, the sounds allowing room for nothing but the closest conversation. The thought of saving herself did not even cross her mind.

"Ar—ty…"

Holly blinked twice in quick succession. Tears trembled on her lashes, then fell. "What?"

Artemis did not respond, instead opening his eyes all the way. A hundred feet to their left, a boulder the size of a small house crashed into part of the large airfield used for experimental models of the Hummingbirds. The main part of the Haven-cavern had already collapsed entirely; this was the last remnant of the People besides the dying urban city of Atlantis itself.

Holly read those eyes, read them like one of Root's precious lawbooks. There was regret, blue-black regret that screamed more aptly than any media announcement or simple words:

I love you.

Artemis smiled slightly, closing his eyes again. "Stupid… I… know…." He coughed suddenly, weakly, more blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.

Holly shook her head, the veil of tears once more descending upon her vision. Dust coated her face as the ceiling above began to rumble. "No, no, it's not stupid!" she whispered fervently. She smiled, though her heart was breaking. "I have something to tell you too."

Artemis didn't ask. He didn't need to.

Holly held Artemis closer, gently leaning forward to give Artemis a final, parting kiss.

Carried by the collapse-induced wind, two voices drifted past the hopelessly snogging Holly and Artemis.

"…should we do it now? Ooh, this is just driving me insane! I would never go around kissin' you!"

"Really. In any case, save the Neutrino for Foaly when we get back. That piece is about to fall on their heads."

"Just because you like watching this sort of thing doesn't mean I do."

"That was immature, Captain."

"As if you aren't."

Twin Neutrino shots, separated by less than a millisecond, speared the entwined silhouettes embracing on the floor. The sound could not be heard over the sound of the demolition glycerin knocking out those final granite pieces from the ceiling to make room for the new (and improved!) Spud's Spud Emporium.

The boulder pieces smashed nothing but ancient concrete and a small pile of slightly radioactive carbon, which defied both the laws of chemistry and canon.

When they had stilled, two slender silhouettes began picking their way across the extensive boulder field. Although one was considerably taller than the other, both were dwarfed by the warehouse-sized slabs they were flying between on their new Hummingbirds.

Their argument echoed in the chamber, which seemed rather odd since it was roughly the size of the Bronx. Things not of its own particular world tend to do that.

"…you really did not have to shoot, Captain. It would have been most helpful if we had at least collected samples from them. Waste not, want not."

"You ought to pay attention to your own words, Arty."

"My name is not 'Arty', Captain. Just because you are not capable of sounding out such big words does not mean you cannot try."

The smaller of the two figures drew out her buzz baton and zoomed in closer to the real Artemis. "I'll call you whatever I damn well like, Arty, and stop staring."

Artemis, of course, stared at her, fiddling with the controls on his altered Hummingbird. "What?"

When they arrived back at the new LEP building in the newly developed city of Nouvelle, Foaly would wonder why the buzz-baton charge was so drained.

Heheh…. If the end confused you a bit, I figured that. I wrote this is about thirty minutes when OMAM was giving me trouble. Again, no pun intended.

Next week: Belle!Hermione – or – Arty's Not-So-Secret CrUSh (and it's not Holly, against all odds…)

(To give y'all fair warning, I plan on mocking a B/A and slash in general – not Yeti's brilliant creations, mind you, since I simply adore Forty-Two and My Queer Young Mind – in the near future. Slash should be expected, and ruthlessly mocked.)

Namárië,

Nallasariel the Weeper