Sitting through dinner with Ronnie had to have been one of the most uncomfortable and awkward moments of my life. It felt...weird. Sure he was the same great guy he'd always been but I did have a great guy at home waiting for me, waiting to get on a plane with me and fly off to Vegas to elope.

"Mary-Courtney, is everything cool?"

"Huh?" I asked.

"I was asking if you were okay. You've been pretty quiet all night and you barely touched your food."

"I'm fine. I guess I'm just not very hungry. Sorry if I've been lousy company."

"No it's not that. You're always great company", he smiled.

"Thanks."

"This is funny, us sitting here on New Year's Eve. Brings back a lot of memories."

"Yeah..."

"Do you remember the first one we ever spent together?"

How could I forget?"

"Yeah", I smiled fondly. "Your parents let you have that party that I had to sneak out to because Mama and Daddy absolutely forbade me to go."

"Yeah and you went anyway like usual", Ronnie laughed. "You were such a little rebel. Weren't you like grounded the whole year of 1973?"

"Something like that", I grinned. "But throw me a bone. I had to. Look at my parents. They are so old fashioned and crazy and set in their stupid ways. They weren't as cool as Laureen and the Colonel."

"I just remember how much fun we had that night. The whole team was there and it was just a real good time. Then my parents came down like the minute before midnight and we did the countdown. And I, uh...you and me..."

"We kissed the whole time", I remembered out loud.

"Yeah it was nice. It was pretty cool."

"It was."

"Thanks for hanging out with me tonight, Mary-Courtney. I can't believe you and Charlie didn't have plans and stuff."

"It's okay", I shrugged.

"He's at home?"

"Yeah."

"So I guess it's no point in asking if you want to hang out until midnight."

"Charlie would kill me", I said forcing a smile.

I glanced at my watch, which read ten after seven. Our flight to Las Vegas had already taken off. I was already a dead woman although I knew Charlie was probably more worried than angry.

"That's cool. I understand."

"Yeah actually...I kind of have to get going. I hate to be rude and cut this short..."

"No, no don't apologize. It's totally cool. I'm just glad you got to hang out as long as you did."

"Thanks Ronnie. It was nice seeing you again. Um, I'll walk you to your room?"

Where did that come from? Honestly my words sometimes flowed before my brain even knew what was going on.

"Sure. I'm on the sixth floor."

He paid the bill and we made small talk as we walked and rode the elevator. A few minutes later we were standing in front of room 614.

"Well this is me", Ronnie said as he unlocked and opened the door. "I guess this is good night."

He gave me a hug and a goofy grin spread across my face as I looked over at the mini bar by the window.

"Oh my God! Ronnie look! Seagram's Gin."

He followed my gaze and we both burst out laughing. That bottle brought back floods of memories.

"I hadn't even noticed", he said.

"Well how could I not? I'll never forget that night and neither will Petey. Remember the look on his face when I threw up all over his shoes? Gosh, keep that stuff far, far away from me."

"You can't handle the Gin but how about one glass of wine before you go?"

I should have said no. I should have told Ronnie that I had to leave and that Charlie was at home waiting for me, probably going out of his mind with concern.

"Just one glass", I found myself saying.

One innocent glass. One glass turned into two and before I knew it we were giggling and reminiscing about old times again. When I looked at my watch it was ten p.m.

"That's what I miss most", Ronnie sighed as he loosened his tie. "We had the craziest times. I mean, I have good friends now in South Carolina but none like the ones in Alexandria."

"I know", I sighed.

"Man, is it ten already? Where did the time go? Mary-Courtney, I'm having a great time but if there is somewhere you have to be..."

"I was supposed to get married tonight", I blurted out.

Ronnie's smile quickly faded.

"Come again. You're joking, right?"

"No. Charlie and I had tickets to fly to Vegas three hours ago. We were going to elope."

"Wow...why, I mean, you should have told me. I don't know what to say. Why didn't you go, Mary-Courtney?"

"I wish I could answer that Ronnie, more for myself than for you but I don't have an answer. You called and...I don't know. I just wanted to see you."

"He's probably worried."

"I'm sure he is. Charlie is a good man Ronnie and I love him very much but..."

"But what?"

"I don't know. I've never said this to anyone, not even myself but I have doubts, serious doubts about marrying him."

"Why?"

"Because I can't picture myself happy with him twenty years from now. Because as great as he is and as much as I do love him, I don't know if he is the one. Because...because, he's not you."

I didn't know if it was actually me or the wine talking but whatever the case, the cold hard truth was now in the open.

"Mary-Courtney..."

"I know what we had was a long time ago and we were just kids but it's real to me. And there was no way I could commit to Charlie without telling you that."

Ronnie looked away and was silent for a while. I feared I had said too much of the wrong thing.

"It's real to me too", he finally said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I never stopped being in love with you, Mary-Courtney. All those memories we have, everything we've ever said to each other...it's all real. And part of me regrets breaking up. I wish we could have made it through college. Part of me wishes that I had just transferred to a school up north if that's what it would have taken for us to keep it together. I mean, my life didn't turn out bad but I spend a lot of time thinking how it would be if you and I were still together."

"God, Ronnie what the hell are we doing?"

"I don't know", he shrugged. "Maybe I was wrong to see you tonight but I couldn't help it. I had to."

"So what does this mean for us now?" I asked. "All these feelings are out in the open but it doesn't change our lives. What about Charlie? What about Pam?"

"I love her", he said truthfully. "I really do. And it was surprising that I could love someone so much after you. But I do. And she's a beautiful, wonderful girl and every day it kills me to see what she's going through. Mary-Courtney, have you ever watched someone die?"

"No", I shook my head.

"I can't explain it. The doctors say they can't do anything else for her. They say she is going to die. I don't want her to die, I'd do anything to save her life but after watching her struggle and suffer...sometimes, sometimes I find myself praying for God to just take her. That must make me a pretty horrible guy."

"No...no it doesn't. It's just because you don't want her to hurt anymore."

"It kills me that I can't help her or protect her. And it's so unfair. But through it all...she's just so brave. I can't even explain it. I am so blessed that she has been apart of my life. And I can't leave her...I won't. I will be there for her until the end but I still love you, Mary-Courtney. I always have, always will. You're the love of my life. And I don't know what to do about that. Charlie is an awesome guy and I really like him and I know he loves you but every time I see you two together or think about you together or see that ring on your finger, it makes me want to throw up. Then I feel like a real selfish asshole. I'm the one that broke things off with you, I'm the one who can't leave Pam but yet I don't want you to marry Charlie. That's not right. It's not fair."

"Ronnie, I don't know what to do...or say or feel. I mean, your thing with Pam...I understand it and I respect you so much for it. As for Charlie...I don't even know. I know I'm not being fair to him and that's not right. He deserves so much better than that. The one thing I do know is the level or love and comfort and familiarity and happiness I feel with him doesn't compare to what I feel for you. And I hate that because you're right, it isn't fair. I feel like I should walk away from you and erase our past completely but I can't...no matter how hard I try. It's so scary that I still love and want and need you so much."

"I know I should tell you to walk right out that door and go be with him but I can't. I need you here with me even if it just for one night."

"I know my word probably doesn't count for much now but I did make a promise to Charlie and I have to honor that. Ronnie, I can't compromise that promise to him."

"I'm not asking you to."

"What are you asking?"

"I just want to hold you."

I closed my eyes and allowed his body to envelope mine. So many times I had been in those arms and they felt like home. He held me and it was enough to make me cry. I knew I'd never find that special feeling with Charlie or anyone else