It had been awkward around our place to say the least. Charlie and I really hadn't discussed our situation since I had returned from Virginia. There was so much to say but at the same time there was nothing to say. It felt like everything had already been said, at least for the time being. Still we walked on eggshells around one another being painfully polite, treating each other as if we were strangers. Sometimes that's exactly what it felt like, I thought as I crawled into bed beside him. I missed Charlie, the real Charlie, the old Charlie. I wanted to laugh again at the silly things. I wanted to enjoy the comfortable silence of being in his company. I wanted him to talk to me, tickle me, hug me...make love to me. At the same time, nothing had changed with Ronnie. I knew I was being unfair and selfish but I couldn't help myself. I knew I had to right the wrongs and make a choice but it was too hard. Just for one night I didn't want to "think" anymore. I only wanted to feel.

"Charlie", I murmured as my hands explored his body.

He was tense, naturally at first but almost involuntarily his body began to loosen up. I kissed his lips then his neck, silently willing for him to respond. Then it happened. With a low growl he kissed me passionately and pulled me close in his arms. It felt so good...it had been so long.

"I've missed you...so much", he whispered.

"I missed you, too", I answered between kisses.

I was lost in another world controlled by passion and pure emotion. Until I could make a clear decision and stop making the people I cared about miserable, I knew I should have told Charlie no. My head was screaming that but my heart and body desperately cried out yes.

"Mary-Courtney, are...are you sure you want to?" Charlie asked as his lips continued to kiss me all over.

"Charlie", I gasped. "Make love to me...please."

He nodded, giving me a sweet smile as he gently brushed a strand of hair away from my face. After all I had done, after all the hurt and humiliation my indecisiveness had caused him, he could still look at me with pure want and love in his eyes.

We kissed and slid beneath the covers, our hands and mouths frantically exploring one another. It just felt so nice to be touched again, to be wanted, to be loved...

"Oh", I cried out. "Oh! Oh Ronnie!"

And just like that, just like someone pressing the pause button, it stopped. No sooner than the name had slipped from my lips, I realized my mistake. But it was too late. All I could do was hope. Hope and pray that Charlie hadn't noticed. That he hadn't noticed me calling out another man's name in the depths of our passion.

Slowly, deliberately Charlie backed away from me. His eyes were wide with shock and a hurt I had never seen before.

"Charlie, I..."

He put his hands to his lips.

"Don't", he said. "Don't say a word."

"Charlie..."

He literally collapsed at the foot of our bed still in a state of disbelief. I didn't know if he was going to burst into tears, start yelling or slap me, three things I all would have deserved. Instead, he just laughed.

"Charlie..."

"Let me guess. You're sorry, right."

"Yes", I whispered as tears began to fall.

What else could I possibly say?

"Don't be. It's my fault. I should have known better."

"Charlie..."

"No, it's my fault, Mary-Courtney for trying to pretend even if only for a minute that everything was okay between us. Nothing is okay anymore and it hasn't been for a while. I doubt it will ever be."

"Look, I didn't mean it..."

"Are you sure? Because if you did, there's no point in denying it anymore. Damn, Mary-Courtney, I can't keep doing this. I can't. This is killing me inside. You're killing me."

"I know. I know and I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I keep trying to do better but I only end up making things worse."

"God, what do you want from me?"

"I...I don't know. I just wanted one night. I wanted one night where things were normal and beautiful and perfect between us like they used to be before I fucked everything up."

"I want that too but what are we doing? Really. Are we kidding ourselves? Just prolonging the pain?"

"I don't know."

"I thought we could have the good times again. I guess that was pretty stupid, huh? What's the saying? One time, shame on you, second time shame on me."

"Don't do this."

"What? I was the dummy thinking we could have one night here alone without Ronnie Bass in bed with us."

"Charlie, please."

"I'm not doing this with you anymore, Mary-Courtney. I can't, I swear to God. I love you and I'm trying to be patient and let you get yourself together but this is ridiculous. It's a ridiculous game with no end in sight. You say you want to be with me, then be with me! But if you're gonna be with me then I need all of you. One hundred percent of your mind, body and soul. I need all of you 24/7. I'm sorry but I can't, no I won't settle for anything less. And if you can't handle that and if you aren't willing to go that distance with me, for me...then what the hell are we trying to save here? And as much as it makes me want to puke saying this, if you want Ronnie, if that's where your heart is, then you have to go to him, Mary-Courtney. But you have to do something and fast because this whole little love triangle is getting a little old."

"I know", I whispered.

He was right, so right but what was I supposed to do? How could he judge me when he didn't know the turmoil I was going through inside?

"Listen, um, I'm just gonna go crash on the couch."

"No Charlie, you don't have to do that..."

"Yes I do."

"No...you don't."

"I do. Because I can't handle being so close to you now. I'm trying to deal with you loving him but this is crazy. It's too much for any one person to take."

"Charlie..."

"When I look into your eyes, Mary-Courtney...I see him. And when you look into my eyes, you see him too. You can't even make love to me without seeing him and that's where I draw the line."

Fresh tears welled in my eyes and my bottom lip trembled furiously as I struggled to keep my emotions in check. With a final sigh, Charlie placed one last kiss on my forehead before grabbing a blanket and pillow and heading off to the living room. And once again I was alone. Alone with my thoughts and feelings, ones I had been trying desperately for so long to escape. I did the only thing I could do. I rolled over to the empty space beside me and cried my heart out.