"Kiddo, you absolutely have to come shopping with me", Alice announced dramatically as she plopped in front of my desk.

"Alice, how do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Have a normal conversation with that cigarette dangling?"

"Trust me, it takes years of practice. Anyway, we have to go shopping."

Alice always made me smile. She was like a breath of smoke filled fresh air whenever I needed. Her friendship had kept me sane and had been the only source of normalcy in the past few months of my turbulent life.

"And why do we have to go shopping?"

She proudly handed me an envelope fresh from the office mailroom from one of our biggest clients that had worked on a huge account our firm closed.

"Mr. Timothy Barrett, yes as in Barrett & Barrett Associates wants to take little old me out for a night of dinner and dancing as a token of his appreciation for all my help on his deal. And of course I don't have a thing to wear. You have got to help me pick out a fur..."

"Fur? Weren't you just into saving the whales last week?" I teased.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Well then faux fur."

"Faux fur...riiiight", I laughed.

"If you would clean this rat's nest of a desk you might find an invitation or two in here yourself, Mary-Courtney."

"Great. That's all I need", I said, rolling my eyes.

"Gosh, it must be three weeks worth of mail here, kid."

"I'll get to it."

Blowing smoke rings into the air, Alice ignored me and began sifting through my mess.

"Luncheon...luncheon...staff notes...you just won a million dollar sweepstakes...appreciation note from the boss...airline vouchers....Ronnie Bass...account invoices..."

We stopped and looked at each other at the same time. Alice abruptly handed me a white envelope that had been postmarked from Greenville, South Carolina. I sat there for what seemed like forever just staring at it.

"Mary-Courtney, you're killing me here, kid. Open it up! What does it say?"

With trembling hands I opened the envelope and my eyes scanned through his familiar handwriting. My heart caught in my throat and I don't think I took a single breath the entire time I was reading. When I was done I could finally exhale.

"You okay?" Alice asked nervously.

I nodded and handed her the letter to read which she did so carefully. When she was done we sat there in silence.

"Mary-Courtney?"

"I need a cigarette", I blurted out.

Alice tossed me her pack and we puffed together in silence.

"You know, this changes everything, Mary-Courtney."

"Yeah", I coughed. "I know."

It was dark outside when I finally got home and Charlie was already inside the apartment making dinner.

"Hey", he smiled when he looked up and saw me.

"Hey."

"How was your day?"

"Okay...um, Charlie can we talk? There's something I need to show you."

He stopped what he was doing and reluctantly gave me his undivided attention.

"What's up?"

I simply handed him the envelope from which he began to read Ronnie's letter out loud.

18 March 1979

Dear Mary-Courtney,

I know it's been a while since we talked and maybe it's better that way. At least that is what my head tells me but I wish someone would try and explain that to my heart. You are a wonderful person and we've always shared such a special friendship for so many years. All I ever wanted is for you to be truly happy. I know I keep saying that and I just realized that might be the case if just maybe I left you alone. It troubles me to know that you found such a good thing with someone as great as Charlie and I let my selfishness ruin that. So this is the last time you'll hear from me for a while but there are two things I wanted you to know. First of all, Pam died. She passed on the 4th of this month. I can't explain how rough this whole year has been on me, especially these past few weeks. It was hard to watch her suffer yet it inspired me to watch her put up such a gallant fight. It was impossible almost for me to have to accept the fact that she was going to die yet in her darkest hours, I actually wished for it. Then it happened. There was no noise, just peace. And although a part of me died with her, and I will miss her forever, I take comfort in knowing she is now in a much better place. She will always be young and beautiful and more importantly she won't have to hurt anymore. It also warms me that she was such a special person who had the chance to live an extraordinary life in the few years she was on earth. I'm just blessed to have been a part of that...to have loved her and have her love me back. Pam's life and death put so much into perspective for me and that's the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. Mary-Courtney, you have been more of a comfort, inspiration, and friend than I've ever had in my life...and probably ever will. I cherish you as a person as I treasure all the time we got to spend together. Your love, your friendship, your spirit and your smile will be with me forever. I used to sit back and second guess certain choices I've made and wonder and worry and sort through all the "what ifs", especially when it came to us. I can't and won't do that anymore. It isn't right and it isn't fair. All I can do now is tell you what you've meant to meant to me and then give us both the space to move on. For the first time in a long time I feel truly at peace with my life and with myself and that's a pretty nice feeling to have. I wish you that same sense of peace and also the love and joy you so desperately seek and deserve. Charlie is a good man and a lucky man. I hope that you both find it in your hearts to forgive me and each other for all the unnecessary pain that has been caused. All I've ever wanted is what's best for you, Mary-Courtney. I want you to be happy. I want you to be okay. Promise me that you'll take care of yourself. You're the strongest person I know, so I know everything is going to turn out okay. Just never look back and blame yourself. Don't focus on the past because the whole world is now at your feet. I love you so much always and forever.

Ronnie

"I don't know why I showed you that Charlie but I felt like it was important that you read it."

"Damn", he joked. "Now I know why this Ronnie Bass character is so wonderful."

"Charlie..."

"No, I mean it Mary-Courtney. You showing me this letter, him writing it...it all makes sense now. This letter set his soul free and now yours can be too."

"Charlie, what are you saying?"

"I know I'm gonna want to kick my own ass later but I'm saying go to him."

"What?"

"You heard me. Go. Because if you don't, right this very minute, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been."

"But I love you..."

"And I love you too, babe. Believe me, more than you could know. This hurts me but it needs to be done. They say if you love something, then let it go and if it comes back then it's truly yours and it was truly meant to be. Now it's time for me to man up and put that to the test. I'm letting you go, Mary-Courtney."

"What about us?"

"If you go, and your heart tells you to come back to me, then we go on and put all this crap behind us. If you go and your heart is with him, then at least we know and you'll be where you need to be. But this is do or die, babe. As much as I love you and want and need you, I can't spend the rest of my life with you if you're not sure about us."

I wiped away tears. Charlie was so right and I knew it. I knew what I had to do, I guess I had known all along. Still it was much harder than I had ever imagined. And once again through all the pain and frustration, Charlie was still there for me.

"No matter what, I'm gonna love you forever, Charles Foreman."

"And I'm gonna love you forever too. Now go. Go before I change my mind."

"Are you sure?" I asked, giving him one last hug.

"I'm positive. It's time for all of us to move on, especially you, Mary-Courtney. But sometimes in order to go forward, we have to start by taking a step back."