A/N: Ah, well, chapter one of my spoof of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Now, I AM a fan of Harry Potter, so e-mails telling me how rude I am being, I'm not: All e-mails like that will be ignored. Now, enjoy the story

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, I do not own these characters.

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Chapter One: Dicky Demented

Boy who lived, scar-face, skinny ass, yadda yadda yadda: Each book starts out the same, describing the famous Harry Pothead. So here we have Harry sitting in a bush, and with thorns up his ass pretending to listening to the news.

Vernass: "Where is that boy?"
Aunt Pervert: "Jacki-"But Aunt Pervert stops in the middle of her sentence, remembering that nothing sexual is in Harry Potter books. "...Not in the house."

The opening notes of the music that sounded the seven o' clock news reach Harry's ears. Perhaps tonight, after a month of waiting, his period would start and he could tell Ron that he was not pregnant after all.

Of course the news contained nothing of interest to Harry, that would end the book too early and it wouldn't be a grand total of 870 pages long.

Suddenly, a loud fart broke the silence of the cloned neighborhood. Harry had been waiting for this signal, and quickly whipped out his long ahem, wand.

But Vernass stopped him, because he's mean like that.

Then Aunt Pervert and Vernass lectured him, because they're bitchy together like that.

Harry: "The owls... they're making me see things. I have these images, inside my head..."

Aunt Pervert: "Oh damn, Vernass, he watched The Ring again!" Vernass: "The one ring to.... RULE THEM ALL?" Harry: runs away for the millionth time

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Harry: "Hey Ickle Dickykins!"

Suddenly pitch black

Dicky: pees pants

Harry: "Oh no, Nazgul! Damn J.R.R. Tolkien ripped off once again!"

Dicky: "I'M BLIND!"

Harry: "EXPERMENTO POTTY!"

Of course it works, because Harry Pothead saves everything and everyone. Harry then put his wand away, only to be stop by his psycho neighbor, Mrs. Frat.

Mrs. Frat: "Don't put it away, problem child! Uh, I'm going to kill Meany Fetcher!"

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A/N: Now, REVIEW. If I get good reviews I'll post chapter two as soon as possible! Suggestions are welcomed :)