The Pain of Freedom: Part 1 of the Empowered
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N: Thanx so much to everyone who reviewed....sorry I didn't reply after each chapter!
Mikito: Sorry I took so long to update...hope you enjoy this chapter!!
Tazthedevilman: I'm sorry I took so long to get this chapter up...bad, bad author. At the moment the plan is for Harry to be away for a year...but something unforeseen may occur to bring him back early...mysterious music
Texasjeanette: He hasn't got a chance to find Harry...but maybe Harry won't be way as long as planned??? You never know...sorry for the delay and thanx for the review. I know that technically and in the eyes of many Harry would still be a child. But as Albus says later in this chapter "...to be a child one must have a childhood...".
Tigris T Draconus: NO!! Not the silly string! bows head in shame I hope you like this one...
Inevitable Darkness: Thank you so much!! I'm glad you like it so far...I'll do my best to keep it going.
Miki23: Well Sev has no chance of finding Harry...at least at the moment. Harry's new life will start off in the next chapter...you'll just have to wait and see evil grin!!!
Insanechildfanfic: I'm glad you liked it so far..thanx for the review!!
Author's Note (2): Please, please don't kill me...NO!!!! Not the guy in the fluffy pink bunny suit!!!! (Is it just me or is that the most phobia inducing sight in the world....embarrassing silence....oooook, just me then.). Seriously though, I'm so sorry for taking so long to update and for the length of the chapters. I haven't been able to access my computer or the net for weeks and then my story disks mysteriously went missing only to reappear after I threatened to erase my sister's files (who by the way does not even live with me and what was she doing with my computer anyway?). This chapter is going to be pretty short as well but I'll try to be quicker on the updates. On with the story.....
Chapter Three: Pointless Realizations
Severus buried his head in his hands, feeling Albus' intense gaze fall heavily on him. There was a long moment of silence before he found his voice, a brittle note entering his tone.
"It's because of me, isn't it?"
He spoke with raising his head, more of a statement than a question really. Albus answered nonetheless.
"Among other things. There were many reasons, Severus. Under all the niceties it is a simple fact that for almost five years Harry has carried the burden of being expected to do something not even the strongest witched and witches could accomplish. And he has now done this thing; he has lived up to every expectation and more. But it has been at a great price and I believe that only a select few in our world are now realizing the enormity of their expectations. They and I as well, have forced a child of eleven to take on the responsibility of the world's well-being. Now that child is no more, he never really existed for to be a child one must have a childhood."
Albus sighed then with such sadness that Severus raised his head to meet the headmaster's sorrowful and wretched gaze. They both knew very well that Harry's life in the Dursley's care had as far from loving and happy as you could get. Severus was filled with rage for a moment at the thought of those pitiful excuses for flobberworm slime but he was brought back to himself as the headmaster continued. There was a slight edge to his voice as he spoke directly to Severus.
"Harry is a man now, Severus, and his soul mate has rejected him. You know how ridiculously low his feelings of self worth are as a bi-product of his years with his aunt and uncle. For all his powers of empathy and the mind he is still so insecure. He thinks that you are disgusted and repulsed by the very thought of being his life mate. So he has removed himself from your presence, in his respect for you and in the hope of gaining some control over his emotional responses to you."
Albus' voice had been hardening as he spoke and he ended in a stony whisper.
"For he, in his feelings, is anything but disgusted or repulsed by the situation. But all he can see clearly at this time is your rather cruel rejection."
The headmaster's eyes were now fierce as he glared at Severus. Severus really didn't notice as his mind raced over the sheer truth of his words. He felt an unfamiliar ache in chest at the thought of Harry's pain, which he had caused in his foolish quest to protect his soul mate from being bound to a greasy old git. He should have known that Harry's fragile self-esteem would cause him to place the blame of Severus' rejection solely on his own shoulders, along with all the other problems in the world.
All his resolves were thrown away as the rubbish they were as the truth coursed through him. He, who had not even opened up enough to smile in at least twenty years, finally admitted to himself that what he felt for Harry Potter went beyond even the deepest love. In any other circumstance the irony of the situation might have amused him but he couldn't even imagine having a positive feeling while separated from his brat. Harry deserved better than him, no-one would dispute that, but for some unknown reason they shared a soul. Anyone would agree that Harry had got the majority or even all of the good to be had in them but they were a set, a matching pair, and neither would exist without the other.
Severus focused once more on Albus.
"You have no idea where he went?"
The old man seemed to deflate as Severus held his gaze. He slumped back into his chair and looked back with ominously twinkle-free eyes.
"There is simply no trace of him. Harry is more powerful than any other, be they living, dead, or yet to come. Though there is still something of a youth in him he is knowledgeable beyond anything I could ever dream when it comes to magic. He doesn't want to be found, so quite simply he can't be. Not by me anyway."
He looked wearily at Severus and continued without much hope.
"I don't suppose you can feel anything through your soul links...."
The younger man closed his eyes for a moment and focused on Harry. He slammed into a mental wall between them that cushioned him as he hit and gently but firmly pushed him away. He opened his eyes and blinked at the foreign burning in his eyes.
"He's blocked me out completely. I know he is there but there isn't a way to reach through the wall. I can't trace him."
Albus sighed and gazed unseeing into the fire, which burn away in a subdued manner as if it felt the sorrow of the two wizards.
"Severus..." He paused for a long moment. "I don't think that there is a way to find Harry. Not until he wants to be found."
The ache in Severus' chest intensified and the burning sensation came back to his eyes as he rapidly blinked away moisture. He didn't say a word as the truth hung between them oppressively. The mere thought of a year away from Harry...his Harry...was almost too much to bare. It tore at him deep inside his heart and left him feeling ripped and bleeding.
He knew without a doubt that when Harry returned he would have changed, he would have found a way to distance himself from Severus. No longer would he share the utter love that Severus had felt flow from him in that split second before he turned away from his soul mate. Severus alone would be left with the all-encompassing emotions as Harry found someone worthy of his love.
He said nothing as his despair filled the room, allowing nothing to show through his rigid mask. Then he just turned and strode in swift mockery of his usual gate through the castle to his dungeon quarters. He reached his door and closed it quietly behind him with a flick of his wand. Only then did the unfamiliar wetness flow freely from his eyes and he collapsed to the floor and lay there weeping salty tears for the first time in his miserable life.
"Harry..."
A/N: I know, he's pretty out of character, but really what is known about Snape's true personality. He's been a Death Eater for approximately twenty years right? How can he not become hardened serving that Snake-Faced slimeball. Add to that the pressure of being a spy for the Order and the fact that no-one really seems to appreciate his work; I mean really...has anyone offered him some anti-depressants? This guy really needs some happy-pills. Now there's this one good thing that comes into his life and he just screwed it up big-time. Of course he's going to fall apart. Don't worry though; he'll have plenty of time to get all mean again. Next chapter; where has Harry gone?