Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to THE OC.
AN: This is a total soap opera type story with over the top drama to follow. Simply purging my mind of all the Angsty!Ryan. I promise to update all my other stuff soon, but when I hit 25 pages on this one, I thought I should start posting it.
"A Flat"
Trust In me can't trust
I know, I don't believe it
All my life so scarred
what for, you can't conceive it
Everything you fear
I'll be, you couldn't live it
I whisper in your ear
so loud, why can't you hear it
I'm OK
All my faith is gone
you think I couldn't find it
Pieces falling down
shattered, nothing behind it
In my mind alone,
Lost here I'm separated
Crawl deeper in my hole
safe here from what I hated
All the demons in my head won't leave me
I know I can hear them
All the sacrifices made for nothing
Don't show can't believe it
Want to show that I'm good for something
I can't you won't let me
All your artificial words won't heal me
Because you can't accept me
And I hate myself
And I hate my face
And I hate my world
And I hate my ways
And I
And I
And I
I'M NOT OK! I'm OK
Trust In me can't trust
I know, I don't believe in
All my life so scarred
what for, you can't conceive it
Everything you fear
I'll be, you couldn't live it
I whisper in your ear
why can't you feel it
All the demons in my head won't leave me
I know I can hear them
All the sacrifices made for nothing
Don't show can't believe in
Want to show that I'm good for something
I can't you won't let me
All your artificial words won't heal me
Because you can't accept me
I don't believe it [2x]
"You think Ryan's going to be okay?" Sandy asked Kirsten at the airport. Seth was a few feet away at the ticket counter.
"Jimmy's helping him right now, I'm sure he'll be fine. Tell Seth to call me as soon as you guys get there, okay?" Kirsten replied.
Seth and Ryan had graduated from Harbor two months earlier and they were both going away to college. Seth had decided to follow Anna Stern to a college in New York. They hadn't dated in years but remained long distance friends. Ryan had decided to stay in California and attend UCLA. Both boys had exemplary grades in high school and Ryan had received a full scholarship to UCLA. Sandy was flying to New York to help get Seth settled and Kirsten was staying in Newport to help Ryan and to run the Newport Group.
High school had been rough on them both. Seth had dated Summer for a tumultuous year before cheating on her and ruining their relationship. Only Ryan knew the other girl's identity. Summer had spent her senior year overseas at a boarding school. Seth and Ryan had been close up to that point. Around the same time of Seth's indiscretion, Marissa, Ryan's on again-off again girlfriend started having problems again. Ryan found out that she was using drugs and that she was promiscuous behind his back, using sex like a drug. He had to break up with her. After that, Jimmy Cooper, Marissa's father came to Ryan and asked for his help rehabilitating Marissa. Ryan had agreed without discussing Jimmy's request with his foster parents. Marissa had eventually ran away from home and he had disappeared for a few days in his search for her. He finally convinced her to come home but she had flipped out and grabbed the wheel on their drive home and crashed the car. It had taken him months to recover, he had broken bones and needed physical therapy for some back problems. Marissa had suffered brain damage and was still recovering. She was having to relearn how to speak. She had said her first words since the accident a few days earlier.
After the accident, Ryan had become more introverted than ever. He would rarely speak unless spoken to and was devastated by Marissa's condition. Sandy and Kirsten had spent a lot of time with him, trying to get him to understand that the accident was not his fault but he still blamed himself. When the Cohens found out that Jimmy had asked for his help, they had been very angry. Jimmy was apologetic and to try and make amends, he began spending lots of time with Ryan. Ryan and Jimmy would visit Marissa daily. She couldn't speak, but Jimmy was convinced that she recognized them both.
Sandy and Kirsten had finally become content with their place in Ryan's life in the past few months. He was quiet but had started having deep conversations with them, confiding more about his history and his feelings. He was making a genuine effort to pull himself out of the depression that he had lapsed into. Despite the recent closeness between them, he would not explain why he had drifted away from Seth. He hadn't dated anyone after Marissa. Sandy and Kirsten had seen girls leaving the poolhouse at random hours of the night, but he hadn't dated anyone. It seemed that he had given up on relationships.
Seth and Ryan rarely spoke. They had been inseparable before Marissa's accident but something had happened between them and they were no longer friends. Neither boy would discuss it, they would participate in family dinners and events but they were never alone in the same room. They weren't fighting but they avoided each other at every turn. For the past few weeks, Kirsten had found Seth lingering around the poolhouse, trying to find a way to restore their relationship but when she would ask, he would tell her that it was nothing. They hadn't mended their problems before today. Ryan hadn't wanted to accompany them to the airport, instead, he had volunteered to move into his apartment with Jimmy and Luke's help. He said that he didn't want to intrude on the Cohen's farewell to Seth.
"Okay. So I'm all set," Seth said as he joined his parents.
"Well, I guess we're off," Sandy smiled. Kirsten embraced Seth.
"I'm going to miss you so much," She said, starting to cry.
"Me, too, Mom," Seth replied. He had tears in his eyes as well when he separated from her.
"We better get going…" Sandy said.
"Isn't…is Ryan coming?" Seth asked. Sandy and Kirsten fell silent.
"He's getting moved in right now, honey," Kirsten said. "I'm heading over there as soon as you guys are settled."
"Shit…I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye," Seth said quietly.
"Seth, you guys…you guys will work everything out," Sandy started, unsure of what to say.
Seth pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to his mother. "Will you give this to him?"
"Sure, honey. Don't worry. And call as soon as you land," Kirsten urged. She tucked the envelope into her purse.
*****
"Ryan? Ryan, wait…" Jimmy rushed out of the hospital room to catch up to the sandy-haired teenager.
Ryan wasn't slowing down, if anything he was walking faster. Jimmy had to run to catch him. He grabbed Ryan's arm and spun him to face him.
Ryan's face was pale and his eyes were dull with emotion. "I can't Jimmy…I can't do this anymore…"
"Ryan, she's confused, she…" Jimmy started.
"No, Jimmy. She's not confused," Ryan said flatly.
"Ryan, what…"
"I can't do this. I'm sorry," Ryan said. He pulled his arm from Jimmy's grasp and disappeared from the hall.
Jimmy was stunned. He had been overjoyed when Marissa first spoke a few days earlier. She successfully said her name, her full name and had called him 'Daddy' yesterday. Today, during Ryan's regular morning visit, Marissa had looked directly in his eyes and said 'Seth'.
Jimmy had come to love Ryan as if he was his own son. Julie lived in Paris now with his other daughter Caitlyn, and with Marissa being hospitalized, he enjoyed spending time with Ryan. He had assumed that Marissa had just been confused but he knew that there was more to it after seeing Ryan's stricken expression.
Jimmy had filled many hours talking to Kirsten and Sandy about the rift between Ryan and Seth. Ryan wouldn't speak of it, neither of the boys would discuss it but after seeing Ryan's face today, he knew that something had happened between Marissa and Seth. He pulled out his phone and called Kirsten.
*****
Kirsten pulled up to Ryan's new apartment and recognized Sandy's Range Rover in the parking lot. She had gotten a call from Jimmy that hadn't explained anything but said that Ryan had left the hospital upset. She got to the apartment before Jimmy. She could see that Ryan had already unloaded the Rover so she climbed the stairs to the apartment that Ryan was letting them rent for him.
"Ryan?" She knocked gently on the opened door to his apartment. There was no answer so she stepped inside. Ryan was sitting on the floor in the kitchen with his phone to his ear.
"I'm sorry, Mom…I'll be there tomorrow…I promise…I love you, too…" Ryan was saying. She was startled to see a cigarette dangling from his lips. She hadn't known that he was smoking again. She was chilled suddenly as he glanced up at her and flinched at her presence.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Ryan said. He hung up the phone.
"How's Dawn?" She asked immediately. Dawn hadn't contacted Ryan until a few weeks earlier. She was in jail for prostitution and drug trafficking and Ryan had been visiting her in prison.
"Fine. I told her last week that I was moving today but she forgot. She wants me to come see her tomorrow," Ryan answered. His voice was low and deep.
"Jimmy called me. What happened at the hospital?" Kirsten asked. She watched as Ryan slowly got to his feet. After the accident, Ryan's movements tended to be careful and slower than his normal movements. The doctors had explained that he would always have pain due to the extensive injuries from the accident.
"Nothing serious," Ryan muttered.
"Ryan."
"I don't want to talk about it," He said.
"When's the last time I let you get away with that?" Kirsten asked. Ryan continued to smoke as he started emptying boxes and stacking things in the cabinets of his kitchen.
"I don't want to talk about it, Kirsten," Ryan repeated.
Kirsten reached into her purse and pulled out the letter from Seth. "This is for you," She said.
Ryan accepted the envelope but didn't open it. He examined the outside quickly and then set it on the counter. "Thanks."
"Ryan, please," Kirsten said as he resumed putting his things away. Ryan wouldn't accept their money for college and they had to convince him to accept the apartment. Since he got the scholarship, the Cohens had wanted him to continue living with them in Newport but he wouldn't stay there. He had agreed to accept the apartment in repayment for all his help at Kirsten's company. He had a knack for architecture and had been helping her for several months. Her father had even gained respect for his work and requested that he be hired as an intern after graduation.
"I can't talk about it, Kirsten," Ryan said slowly.
"Talk about what?"
Ryan hesitated.
"What, Ryan? What happened? I mean, I thought she was doing well, Jimmy said she's talking and everything…"
"She's talking," Ryan nodded.
"So? What happened today?"
He opened his mouth to speak but lowered his eyes and closed his mouth with a slight shake of his head.
"Ryan?" She urged.
"I can't…I can't talk about it," Ryan whispered.
"Why not?" She asked. She was getting more worried by the second. She hadn't seen Ryan this upset in months.
"I just can't," He sighed.
"You know you can tell me anything, Ryan. Anything at all and it won't change the way I feel…" She attempted. She wished Sandy was here. Sandy could always get through to Ryan more than she could when he would shut down emotionally.
"I know…I know that, Kirsten, but this…I can't…"
"Jimmy said…" Kirsten started again.
"God…it's been so long…I thought…" Ryan muttered. He covered his face as he dropped his cigarette in the sink. "I haven't wanted a cigarette in years and the first place I stopped after the hospital was the store," Ryan sighed.
"Tell me what happened, Ryan," Kirsten said quietly.
Ryan sighed again. He leaned against the sink and she approached him and gently embraced him. He was tense but finally relaxed and returned her hug.
"Tell me, Ryan. I promise, I won't say anything. I'm worried about you and I want…"
"She said 'Seth'," Ryan whispered.
"What?" Kirsten asked, confused. Ryan pulled away and started to pace.
"All these months, after all this…she says his name…like…like everything I tried to do for her, it didn't matter…she said his name…" Ryan muttered.
Kirsten's mind was racing with possibilities.
"I didn't think…I never thought that they had feelings for each other…Seth said…he never said that she had feelings for him, he swore to me that it was just sex…" Ryan continued.
Kirsten paled. Everything made sense suddenly. The rift between her two sons. Seth's secrecy regarding his breakup with Summer. Ryan's refusal to talk about the problem between him and Seth.
"I just…I can't believe…" Ryan murmured. She went to his side and embraced him again as tears streamed down her face.
"God, Ryan, I had no idea…I'm so sorry…" She said. "You never said anything…"
"What was I supposed to say? I can't…I can't go back to see her, Kirsten. Not after today. Not after everything…" Ryan said. She released him and gently pushed him to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs. She sat on the edge of the table beside him and kept her gaze trained on him.
"Did you tell Jimmy?" Kirsten asked as she wiped her eyes. He was still pale and was trembling with pent-up emotion. She kept her hand on his arm.
"No. He doesn't need to know…"
"You've been visiting Marissa daily for months, Ryan. You can't just stop going without giving him an explanation…" Kirsten said quietly.
Ryan sighed. They both glanced up as there was a quiet knock on the door. Jimmy Cooper stepped in, concern on his face.
"Everything okay?" Jimmy called. "It looks like you started without me."
"Hey, Jimmy," Kirsten smiled. She glanced down at Ryan but his face was blank.
"Can I talk to you a minute?" Ryan asked.
"Of course," Jimmy agreed immediately. He cast a worried glance at Kirsten.
Ryan led Jimmy into the living room that was cluttered with boxes. Kirsten continued filling his cabinets from the boxes, listening silently.
"What's up, kid?" Jimmy asked. He imitated Ryan and sat down beside him on the windowsill in the living room.
"I can't go see Marissa anymore," Ryan said quietly.
Jimmy didn't react immediately. "Okay. Do you mind telling me what's going on?"
"I…do I have to give you a reason?" Ryan asked.
"You don't have to, Ryan…but I hope that you'd give me something. We're friends, aren't we? I mean…I hope we're friends," Jimmy said gently.
"She called me 'Seth', Jimmy," Ryan sighed.
"She's confused, Ryan, I'm sure of it, she's just learning how to speak again and in her head, the names aren't matching up to the people…" Jimmy started.
"Jimmy," Ryan said, stopping him.
"What?"
"She said his name," Ryan whispered. "I can't go back."
"It's just Seth, what could it possible mean?" Jimmy asked, confused.
"Last year, Jimmy, back when Marissa and I first broke up…It was because I caught them together," Ryan said slowly.
"Caught who together?" Jimmy asked. He paled as his mind caught up with his mouth.
"I caught Marissa and Seth together. That's when I ended it," Ryan said.
"Oh. Oh my God. I didn't know…you never said…" Jimmy started.
"We didn't tell anyone. I broke it off with Marissa…I told Seth that he had to come clean with Summer and that was the end of it. Seth, Marissa and I, we didn't tell anyone," Ryan replied. "It was between us."
"Shit, Ryan. I can't believe…you helped her after all that?" Jimmy asked, startled. Kirsten stepped into the room.
Ryan stood up immediately and both adults could sense how upset he was despite his calm expression. "What else was I supposed to do? She was so messed up, Jimmy…she wasn't thinking straight and Seth…he wasn't thinking with his brain either…"
"Ryan," Kirsten said quietly.
"Guys, I'm really sorry, but I think I need some time alone," Ryan said suddenly.
"You're only on your first load, Ryan," Kirsten protested.
"I'll finish up tomorrow," Ryan replied immediately.
"I don't know if you should be going anywhere when you're this upset…" Kirsten started.
"I'm not upset," Ryan stated.
"Shit, I'm upset," Jimmy muttered.
"I just need to get some air," Ryan said.
"Ryan. Will you come to the house for dinner?" Kirsten asked.
He hesitated, clearly trying to escape their questions. They all glanced up at the latest knock on the door. Luke Ward stepped in. "What's up?"
"Shit, Luke, I forgot you were coming," Ryan sighed. He slapped hands with his friend.
"What's up, you done already? Hi, Kirsten, hey, Jimmy," Luke smiled at the parental figures.
"Nah, just taking a break," Ryan replied.
"You all moved in?" Jimmy asked. Luke was attending UCLA in a few days on a soccer scholarship.
"I'm staying with my mom and then if my grades are high enough, I'll be getting my own place next semester," Luke answered. He had finally soaked up the tension in the room. "What's going on?"
"I need to get out of here," Ryan said quietly.
"Oh. Okay. My truck's downstairs," Luke said immediately.
Luke had become Ryan's closest friend in the past few months. He had managed to get Ryan out of the house after his accident and they had bonded and spent a lot of time at a local club where Luke performed on his guitar some nights. The two boys had developed an almost nonverbal way of communicating. Luke could read Ryan's expressions better than anyone else and didn't ask for explanations like the Cohens. Kirsten and Sandy had welcomed Luke into their extended family and even though he had a tendency for violence and would bring Ryan home a few times a month with bruises when their testosterone couldn't avoid a fight, they respected him.
"Ryan. I want you to come by the house for dinner. You can't make me stay there all alone with Sandy out of town," Kirsten said.
"That's not fair," Ryan replied. "But I'll call you. I'll call you both. Now get out," Ryan smiled nervously at them.
Kirsten and Jimmy reluctantly followed them to the parking lot. Ryan stopped beside Kirsten's car.
"Can I ask you not to say anything?" Ryan asked quietly.
"Ryan…I have to tell Sandy."
Ryan nodded. "But not Seth. This…stuff that happened. It's between Seth and I. I hope you guys will respect our privacy."
Kirsten and Jimmy were chilled.
"Ryan…honey…" Kirsten began.
Ryan was calm now. "Kirsten, I'll come by for dinner and Jimmy, we can watch the game tomorrow afternoon, okay?" But now, I've going with Luke."
*****