*****
Luke closed his phone as Summer looked at him expectantly.
"Ryan's on his way to the Cohens."
"Is that a good thing?" Summer asked.
"Caleb's bringing him."
"Ooh. That's not so good," Summer smiled.
"Mr. Nichols has apparently had a change of heart. He's been super nice lately according to Ryan," Luke explained.
"You and Ryan, you guys must be tight," Summer said.
"He hasn't really had anyone else. Him and Seth…they're not cool."
"What? They were like best friends," Summer said.
"He doesn't talk about it. They don't talk."
"God, when he said things had changed, I had no idea."
"Europe treated you well, Summer…" Luke smiled.
"God, Luke, I wasted the whole time on some prick that cheated on me…" Summer glanced at him with a smile. "Sorry, no offense."
"Hey, I'm older and wiser now. So you want to come by the Cohens?"
"Nah, that's okay. I should go finish unpacking. I've got Ryan's number so I'll give you guys a call later."
"Cool."
*****
Caleb parked his Mercedes behind Sandy's car and turned to Ryan. "You've got a lot of people that care about you. You don't have anything to fear…"
"I know, Mr. Nichols," Ryan said honestly. "Let's go inside."
Caleb didn't reply as Ryan stepped out of the car.
"There you are…" Sandy pulled Ryan into a hug as he entered the kitchen.
"Hey, Sandy. How was your flight?" He hugged Kirsten. When he pulled away, she probed his bruised face.
"Long," Sandy answered.
"Boxing again, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.
""I was off my game today," Ryan said.
"You should see the boy's hands," Caleb announced, walking in.
"Caleb. Thanks for finding Ryan," Sandy acknowledged.
"Oh honey, your poor hands…" Kirsten gasped.
"I'm fine. Kirsten. I'm fine, I promise," Ryan said, serious.
"You didn't show up for dinner last night and then Luke called…"
"Luke called?" Ryan asked surprised.
"He was worried about you," Kirsten replied. "You would've done the same thing for him."
"I should've called, I just got…distracted," Ryan said.
"Are you okay? Where have you been?" Sandy asked.
"I went by the gym and then to the jail and then Caleb kidnapped me before I could take a look at the plans for the new stadium," Ryan said.
"How's Dawn? Really?" Sandy asked.
"She's okay." Ryan lowered his gaze automatically. He still had problems talking to the Cohens about his real family.
"Dad, would you like some lunch?" Kirsten offered, obviously changing the subject.
"No, I have a business lunch at one. I should go. Take care, Ryan."
"Mr. Nichols," Ryan nodded.
Caleb glared at him. "It's Caleb."
Kirsten and Sandy were both clearly surprised.
"I know," Ryan smiled slightly. Caleb left.
"Okay, now I'm really worried," Sandy said. "Was Caleb being civil to you?"
"He said he's worried about me," Ryan shrugged.
"Wow," Kirsten said, still startled.
"It was really strange," Ryan admitted.
"Have you eaten?" Kirsten said after a short pause.
"I'm not really hungry…"
"I'll go get Rosa. She'll make you something," Kirsten replied immediately, leaving the kitchen.
"So, kid. Sit down. Let's talk," Sandy said, patting the stool beside him.
"Do we have to? Since I'm officially stranded here with no car?" Ryan sighed, sitting down.
"Yes."
"Seth's all moved in?" Ryan asked.
"Yep. He had two suitcases that were nothing but CD's. I had no idea," Sandy said. Ryan smiled. "He said he wrote you a letter."
"Shit, I haven't even read it," Ryan realized.
"It was warning you that he was going to tell us. About Marissa."
Ryan nodded almost imperceptibly. "So."
"So. Why didn't you tell us?"
"Why would I tell you something like that, Sandy? It had nothing to do with you or Kirsten…"
"It had to do with you and Seth. My kids…"
"Okay, Sandy, now you know. What are you going to do about it? Can you fix it? Can you change anything?" Ryan snapped.
"Ryan…" Sandy said gently.
"Marissa played me. She did everything she could to hurt me, Sandy and I'm not ready to open up those wounds again, I won't, I can't…" Ryan spoke quietly. "But Seth…he wouldn't have done it if he had known…if I had told him…"
"What are you talking about?" Sandy asked, confused.
Ryan shook his head.
"Ryan, please."
Ryan was quiet for a long moment. Intense. His words were barely audible. "Marissa was mean. Before I actually caught her in the act, she had…changed. The things she'd say, to bring me down…to make me think I was failing, that I was worthless…God, she totally mindfucked me…and to find her with Seth…it was like I'd lost everything all over again…"
"I am so sorry, Ryan…" Sandy said.
"After all this time…going to see her…helping Jimmy take care of her…she said the one thing that she knew would totally fuck my head up again…" Ryan whispered.
"What about Seth, Ryan? Are you going to be able to get past this?"
"I've been past it, I think. He's…he's family. I mean, the way I figure it, my mom is a bitch but I still go see her every day." Ryan wouldn't meet Sandy's gaze and he had his hands clenched tightly.
Sandy glanced at his clenched fists. "Doesn't that hurt?"
"It's been a long time since I let myself feel anything," Ryan muttered.
"Ryan?" Sandy called, worried.
"Sorry. Do you think we could skip lunch and finish moving my stuff?" Ryan hardened his eyes and steadied himself.
"When's the last time you ate something?" Sandy asked seriously.
Ryan hesitated.
"You get upset, you don't eat. That's one thing I've learned about you," Sandy grinned. "We'll eat and then move."
*****
Ryan returned all his phone calls and invited Jimmy and Luke over to his apartment to watch football. Sandy and Kirsten joined them.
Ryan's phone rang at halftime. "Hello?"
"Hey, Chino. What's up?"
"Not much. I'm entertaining at my new apartment. Luke, the Cohens and Jimmy are over."
"Damn, Ryan, you're finally out of the house and you're still hanging out with the parents?" Summer joked.
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"
"Are you okay? I ran into Luke earlier and helped him look for you."
"Really? Any luck?" Ryan smiled.
"Fuck you," Summer laughed. "So, can I come join you?"
"Of course." He gave her the address. "And Luke's playing later so I have to go be his bodyguard against all the groupies," Ryan added.
"I have got to see that. Are you sure it's okay if I come over?" Summer asked.
"Yes, Summer. But we're watching football…"
"Eww…"
"So it's at your own risk," Ryan laughed.
*****
Later, Kirsten and Summer were avoiding the testosterone and were decorating Ryan's bedroom with his reluctant permission.
Sandy, Jimmy and Luke were engrossed in the game as it went into overtime.
Ryan was on the balcony of his apartment with Seth's letter in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He was trying to prepare himself for reading the letter. His hands were shaking.
"Hey bro. I can still call you that, right? Right. Sorry. Yeah, so, I fucked up. I can't give you any excuse for what I did. Sleeping with Marissa might have been forgivable but avoiding you for the past year isn't. I know it was a 2-way street but it was my mistake and I should've been a man and took the rap. The thing with Marissa, I can't explain it. It was surreal. I knew you'd been upset, I knew you were having a hard time, but you wouldn't say why. I guess I never asked, I was too caught up in my own life. I let Marissa use me to hurt you. I didn't know what she was doing at first, but after it kept happening, I knew. But I still didn't come to you. Even now, I'm punking out and writing you a letter, but, man, you have to know how sorry I am. I'm going to tell Mom and Dad about what I did to you. I'm going to find Summer and tell her, too. I 'm going to come clean because I can't keep avoiding my best friend. I can't go on without my brother. I don't care if you hate me, I just need you to be in my life. I just need you to talk to me or just sit there, anything, Ryan, but I need you in my life. I fucked up and I need to make it right. I need to prove to you and myself that I'm better than what I did to you. That I can be the brother you deserve. I'm only going to NYU to give you the time you need to forgive me and so I can try and fix whatever's wrong with me that made me hurt you. I'm transferring to UCLA next semester. I've given this a lot of thought and I can't see any other way out. I need you to forgive me. Please. I know I don't deserve it, I was never there for you like you were there for me. I've never had a brother before, it's always been all about me and I'm selfish. I took you for granted. You are the best, most noble person I've ever met and I betrayed you. I'm sorry. Please, Ryan. Please give me another chance. –Seth.
"What's wrong?" Summer's voice startled Ryan and he dropped his smoldering cigarette. "I thought you didn't smoke anymore, Kirsten's going to…what?"
"I don't smoke. You're imagining things," He said innocently, stepping on it immediately.
"What's wrong?" She asked, seeing past his expression and recognizing the emotion in his eyes.
"Nothing," Ryan said automatically.
"Liar. Do you want me to get Kirsten?" Summer threatened, worried.
"No, Summer. Please."
Something in his voice made her realize that he was more upset that she had expected. He was shaking. She'd never seen him visibly upset before. Summer had always considered him a rock, not exactly emotionless, but someone that could handle pressure and stress without breaking down. Seeing him so vulnerable, she thought that he was already broken.
"What is it? What happened? I mean, we were inside the whole time…" Summer said, approaching him.
"It's nothing. I just need a minute," Ryan whispered, turning his back and leaning against the balcony.
"Come on, Chino. I thought we were friends…"
"I can't talk about it…I'm tired of talking…"
"Okay, no talking. What else?" Summer offered. She put her hand on his back and joined him by the edge. She watched as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He visibly steadied himself and stopped shaking. His posture straightened and when he opened his eyes, Summer was startled by his composure. She couldn't even tell that he was upset.
"So. Is my room officially acceptable?" Ryan asked.
"Whoa. What just happened?" Summer replied.
"What?"
"You…you were upset and you just…"
"I'm not upset. It's nothing. Let's go inside." He turned and saw Luke watching them, curiously.
"What's going on?" Luke asked.
"Nothing," Ryan said, walking past him.
Summer gave Luke a worried look. "Something's really wrong," She said quietly.
"I'll get it out of him later," Luke promised.
*****
*****
Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy ate dinner with Summer, Luke and Ryan before leaving. Ryan managed to avoid any uncomfortable conversations by keeping his demeanor controlled and stable. Seth's letter had thrown him. Marissa's words the day before had thrown him, but Seth's letter had knocked him down. His emotions were so unsettled that he thought he might burst into tears if anyone else asked him what was wrong. Ryan had to keep his mask on. He was fine. Everything was under control. He was fine.
"Ryan? Are you almost ready? Luke's pacing again," Summer called through the bedroom door.
Ryan had decided to change clothes before heading out to the club with Luke and Summer but he really just needed a moment to himself. He was wearing faded jeans that Kirsten had told him were fashionable again and a tight long-sleeved black shirt that was on top inside of one of his neatly arranged drawers. He ran a hand through his hair and opened the door.
"Damn, Chino, when did you get fashion? Okay, I take it back. Did you even comb your hair?" Summer teased.
"Dude, you take longer to get ready than any chick I've dated," Luke added.
"Fuck you both," Ryan smiled. "Let's go." He led the way to the parking lot.
"So, man, are you drinking tonight? Should I drive again?" Luke asked once they were outside.
"I don't know yet," Ryan replied after a beat. He didn't want to lie to Luke. Summer and Luke glanced at each other.
"So, dude…" Luke began.
"Don't start, Luke," Ryan said immediately. "We can have deep, introspective conversation later, after your set. I know how wound up you get before you go on and I don't want to be responsible for you fucking up tonight."
"You just don't want to talk," Summer said.
"See, even Summer can tell something's bothering you and she's been out of the country for over a year," Luke echoed.
Ryan turned around to face them, holding out his arms. "If you want me to stay home and brood, I can do that."
"No, dude, that's not what we want, we want you to say something and stop acting like something is about to drop out of the sky and crush you," Luke said. He stood in front of Ryan and they glared at each other.
"I'm driving," Summer said, stepping between them. "I thought you guys got along…"
"We do," Ryan and Luke said in unison.
"But everybody needs an ass kicking once and a while," Ryan muttered.
"Looks like you already got yours today," Luke replied.
"I haven't seen you step into the ring with me yet," Ryan countered.
"'Cause I don't want to hurt you," Luke retorted immediately.
"Boys. Stop. Why don't you focus on your gig," Summer said, looking at Luke. "And you focus on keeping me entertained."
"You got the easy one," Ryan muttered to Luke as he got into the backseat of her convertible.
The bar was filling up fast and there was a line to get in. Luke and Ryan were regulars and the bouncer stepped aside and let them in. The bouncer's gaze lingered on Summer's short skirt and tight shirt. Summer was relieved when Ryan put his arm around her waist and gently led her through the crowd to the booth that the owner kept reserved for the boys.
The owner's name was Sylvia and she had a short-lived affair with Luke that ended when her husband came back unannounced. Her husband had attacked Luke and Ryan had to come to his aid after a frantic call from Sylvia. She had reconciled with her husband but remained a good friend of Luke and Ryan's.
"This is a pretty nice place," Summer said as she slid into the booth beside Ryan. Luke sat down across from them.
"Yeah, we're here at least five nights out of the week," Luke said.
"Does everybody know your name?" Summer teased.
"Luke! Ryan! What're you drinking tonight?" The bartender yelled.
"Sorry I asked," Summer grinned.
"So, Ry…" Luke started.
"I don't need anything yet," Ryan said quietly. "I really don't feel like getting lectured."
"Fuck. I'm going to go get ready," Luke said, leaving.
"Damn, you guys are like hot and cold…" Summer remarked.
"He's just moody before a show," Ryan muttered.
"No, he's worried about you," Summer replied.
"Well, he shouldn't," Ryan snapped. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine. Repeating it over and over doesn't make it true," Summer said quietly.
Ryan wouldn't meet her worried gaze. The bartender came over and put a jack and coke in front of Ryan and a martini in front of Summer.
"Luke ordered them for you," He grinned before leaving them alone again.
"Bastard," Ryan muttered, taking a swallow of his drink. Summer was surprised that Luke remembered her drink of choice. She took a tentative sip and gave him a satisfied smile.
"Why don't you try talking to me, Ryan? Maybe I could give you a fresh perspective," Summer offered quietly.
Ryan glanced at her. His eyes were dark and cold. And full of pain. He lowered his gaze again.
"What?"
"When you and Seth broke up…what did he tell you?" Ryan asked quietly.
"What? Damn, talk about old news, Ryan," She replied.
"It's…never mind…"
"No, I'm sorry, it's just…it took a long time for me to get over him. I mean, one day we were fine and the next day he comes up to me and says that he's been cheating on me."
"Did you know who he cheated on you with?" Ryan asked, watching her carefully.
"No. I told him that it didn't matter, that I didn't want to know…" Summer answered honestly. "What does it matter who it was with, I mean, he was my boyfriend and it was my trust that he betrayed…"
"With Marissa," Ryan murmured.
"What?" Summer asked, stricken. Ryan was silent. She put her hand on his arm. "Ryan, what did you just say?"
"Still think you can give me a fresh perspective?" Ryan asked. He finished his drink and motioned to the bartender for a refill.
"Oh my god, Ryan…fuck…" Summer muttered, stunned.
"So the deal is," Ryan started after his drink was refreshed, "That I had come to terms with all that. I was over my anger at Seth, I was over my anger at Marissa…I was over all of it. I'd go see Marissa, try to do what I could for Jimmy and to help her get better…and I was doing okay. I actually felt like I was coming out of the funk I went into after the accident. A couple of days ago, Marissa said her first words since the accident. Jimmy said she's been saying a couple of new words every day now." Summer was watching him, enthralled by his quiet, steady words and blank expression. "Yesterday…she looked right at me and said…"
"She called you 'Seth', didn't she?" Summer whispered as realization dawned on her face.
He nodded.
"God, Ryan…that…that totally sucks," She said.
"I know. And now Seth's decided that he wants to make amends…after all this time, he's decided that he wants a brother again…" Ryan said slowly.
"Is that what you were reading earlier? A letter from Seth?"
He nodded.
"Well?"
"Well, what?" Ryan responded.
"What are you going to do?" Summer asked. She watched as he finished his drink in a single swallow.
"I don't know. It's…I don't have to do anything, you know? It's all…it's all in my head…I just…It's just too much for me to handle right now…I had to explain to Sandy and Kirsten, I had to tell Jimmy…"
Summer put an arm around his shoulders and felt him sigh heavily. "It's okay. It's hard, god, I can't imagine, but you'll get through it."
"You have an awful lot of faith in me," Ryan muttered. She leaned her head against his shoulder. She'd never thought she'd be the one to comfort Ryan.
"Everyone does, Ryan. Look at all that you've accomplished, Chino. You're going to UCLA on a full scholarship, you're working with the king of Newport, Caleb Nichols, you've got a real set of parents for the first time probably, and you…"
"I know, Summer. But I feel like I'm coming apart," He whispered.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."
"I'm glad you're back. I'm sorry that I'm such a downer," Ryan said quietly, straightening up as he recomposed himself.
"You were always a downer, Chino," Summer joked. He stuck his tongue out at her, his blue eyes sparkling for the first time since she'd seen him.
"You ever seen Luke perform before?" Ryan asked, changing the subject as he lit a cigarette.
"When did you start smoking again?" Summer asked.
"Yesterday," Ryan replied immediately.
"No, I've never seen Luke sing in public. I heard him in the bathroom a couple of times that I'd rather not mention," Summer smiled.
"He's actually pretty amazing. You'll be surprised. His lyrics are a little lacking, but his composition and stage presence are great," Ryan said.
"I can't believe that after all the drama when you first moved here, that you and Luke are best friends and you and Seth aren't even speaking. It's like…"
"Twilight Zone, I know," Ryan sighed. He seemed to relax as he inhaled deeply from his cigarette. He realized she was staring at him when he let the smoke escape through his nostrils. "What?"
"Nothing," She said, looking away immediately.
"That's my line," Ryan smiled.
"It's just…smoking's so bad for you but…it's amazing how attractive it makes you," Summer said, blushing.
Ryan laughed, genuinely amused. She shoved him, playfully.
"Don't laugh at me," She scolded.
"Why not?" Ryan asked. "I need to laugh…"
"Don't laugh at me, hey look, here comes Luke, something we can both laugh at," Summer smiled.
"What's so funny?" Luke asked, standing by the table. Summer and Ryan were both laughing too much to answer.
*****