*****
Luke was waiting outside of Ryan's art building when Summer approached.
"You're taking Art?" Summer scoffed.
"Hell, no. I'm waiting for Chino," Luke replied.
"Ryan taking art?" Summer was still disbelieving. "Long time no see," She smiled, leaning against the wall with him.
"Yeah, what, since you made Ryan and I breakfast this morning?" Luke laughed. The three had become close. Luke and Ryan were amused by Summer's coarse honesty and loyalty and she enjoyed their protective and accepting attitudes. They were all mature enough to respect and accept each other. They each had argued but even after harsh words were exchanged, they were still friends.
They had been in school 2 weeks and they all had perfect attendance so far. Ryan had continued to drink socially and declared that as long as they attended all their classes that the nightly trips to the bar were acceptable.
Ryan had been extremely busy. He only saw them in the late evening at the bar and in the early morning. After a week away from the Newport Group, Caleb and Kirsten had asked for him to return to work. The architects refused to work with Caleb and were threatening to quit. Ryan was spending his time between classes working for the Newport Group as a paid consultant. He was still visiting his mother daily but he had been avoiding Sandy, Jimmy and Kirsten. Luke and Summer couldn't get him to talk about it.
Ryan walked out with a brown folder in his hand and his backpack over his shoulder. His blue eyes were bright and confused.
"What's up?" Luke asked.
"I am having the weirdest day. Will you guys come to Kirsten and Sandy's with me?"
"Sure," Summer said immediately. She wanted him to talk to the Cohens. She was worried about his state of mind.
"Everything okay?" Luke asked. Ryan nodded but didn't verbally respond. They were used to his silence. "Kirsten always has food and I'm starving," He said after a long silence.
"You're always starving," Summer joked. She took the folder from Ryan's hand and opened it as they walked.
"It's my homework…" Ryan shrugged.
"God, Ryan, you did these? They're…they're beautiful…" She remarked, flipping through the sketches. They were intricately detailed. The few color drawings were pale and poignant and had interesting light patterns that she had never seen before.
"My truck. It's closest," Luke said, casting a worried glance at Summer. Ryan didn't respond. He followed them.
"Why are you taking art?" Summer asked in the truck.
"I don't really know what I want to do with my life so I decided to take a series of classes in different focuses to see what direction I wanted to take," Ryan said quietly.
"Bullshit. He's taking Intro to Law for Sandy, Intro to Architecture for Caleb, English for Jimmy…" Luke explained.
"English?" Summer asked.
"He thinks if I take more english classes that I'll talk more," Ryan muttered.
"And Art for Kirsten," Luke finished.
"Why art?" Summer asked.
"She's been obsessed with it since I sketched some plans for her a few months back," Ryan replied.
"So you're going to see the Cohens today because…" Luke probed.
Ryan shrugged. Luke and Summer shared a sigh.
"Sorry. I just don't feel like talking about it yet," He said finally.
"Okay," Luke and Summer said in unison.
"This is getting weird. You guys need a break," Ryan smiled.
*****
"Ryan!" Kirsten smiled widely when she opened the door. He gave her a genuine hug.
"I've got Summer and Luke with me," He said.
"They're always welcome. What do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" She asked, leading him inside. Summer and Luke waved hello on their way to the kitchen.
"I need some advice."
"About what? Is everything okay?" She was immediately concerned.
"Everything's fine…"
"Okay," Kirsten said immediately. She was so accustomed to his response that she dropped the subject, not wanting to deter him from talking. They sat down on the couch in the den.
"Well, I don't know…Listen, Kirsten, I need to apologize. I've been trying to pull myself together," Ryan said slowly. "I'm in this weird place where I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. I'm doing all these things because you or Sandy or Caleb want me to but…I don't know what I want, you know?"
Kirsten put an arm around him. "I'm sorry. We don't mean to pressure you…"
"I know and you totally didn't, it's all me. After I stopped going to see Marissa and Seth started calling, it's just…"
"You're talking to Seth?" Kirsten asked, surprised.
"He calls. He sends me text messages. I could tell you everything he did yesterday," Ryan said quietly.
Kirsten watched Ryan carefully. "Are you talking to him?"
"I'm trying," Ryan said quietly. "It's harder than I thought…"
"Why is it hard, Ryan? If you've really forgiven him?" She asked gently.
"Because…it's hard for me to forget about all those months when he wouldn't even look me in the face. It's hard for me to just pick up when we left off…"
"That's totally understandable," Kirsten nodded.
Ryan sighed. "Anyway. I tried to take a step back from you and Sandy, to try and reevaluate what I really want. But it hasn't helped. Putting distance between me and you guys…I think it just confused me even more."
"What's going on, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.
"Nothing earth shattering. My professors want me to drop their classes."
"What? All of them? Why?"
"Because I'm too advanced and the courses are intro courses…" Ryan said slowly.
"All your classes…wow…" Kirsten wasn't sure how to react.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now," Ryan admitted. "So I brought all my papers so hopefully you and Sandy can tell me what to do."
"But, honey, it's your life, your classes…why not just go up a level?" Kirsten asked, trying to understand and to keep Ryan talking.
"It'll be harder work and I won't be prepared and mainly because…I was only taking these courses to see if I liked them, if I was interested in them and now…I don't think I like college at all…"
"You want to drop out?" Kirsten asked.
"If I already know the stuff anyway, why am I paying to go to school?"
"You got a scholarship…"
"I just don't know if it's right for me. I'm tired…"
"What would you do? I mean…"
"It's just a thought, Kirsten. I haven't made any decision. I wanted to talk to you and Sandy about the whole thing."
"Okay, Ryan. Sandy should be home shortly and we'll talk about it. Are you hungry? You look a little pale," She said.
"I'm okay, thanks."
****
Sandy and Kirsten were impressed by Ryan's work. Sandy didn't even recognize some of the cases Ryan had referenced in his first two law class assignments. Ryan decided to change his class schedule and see if he felt differently after another two weeks. They took the opportunity to inquire about his drinking and lack of rest. He assured them that he was fine and that he was just enjoying his little bit of freedom from 'parental guidance'.
*****
At the club that night, Ryan was quiet again. Around midnight, he leaned over to Luke and said something quietly to him.
"No problem. I'll call you tomorrow…" Luke said to Ryan.
"Where are you going?" Summer asked. Ryan winked at her and left the booth.
"He's going to get indisposed," Luke said.
"What?"
Luke nodded toward the bar.
Ryan had his arm around a very attractive woman. Summer recognized her face and knew that she'd been watching Ryan for a while. He was talking in her ear, her lips almost touching her earlobe. Summer realized that she didn't want that woman pawing on her friend. The woman's arms went around Ryan's waist and Summer looked away as she saw the woman's hands drift low to Ryan's ass.
She glanced over at Luke who was watching her, amused.
"I thought you said he didn't date," Summer said, blushing.
"He doesn't. But he still has girls. He's a man. He has basic man needs," Luke shrugged. He gave her a sympathetic smile. "But don't worry. He respects you more than that."
"What's that mean?" Summer asked.
"He trusts you. And Ryan, well, he doesn't trust all that easily. I took a long time for him to trust me but you…he trusted you as soon as you got back here. It's like he sees something in you, Summer. I really hope you're not falling for him."
"I'm not falling for Chino, Luke," She scoffed. He raised his eyebrow.
"I saw the way you just looked at her. Like you were about to slap the makeup off her face," Luke laughed.
"Well, look at the way she's got her dirty little hands all over him," Summer said, glancing back at the bar.
"Believe me, Ryan doesn't mind," Luke said, putting an arm around her. "He's a player, Summer. He makes it clear right up front that it's one night and that's it. He never gives them his number or tells them his name." Luke nodded back toward Ryan and the woman. Ryan was kissing the arch of her neck and the woman's eyes were closed. "Ryan just likes to taste," Luke added.
"I still don't know how I feel about that," Summer said honestly. "Why doesn't he date?"
"Says he doesn't know how," Luke replied. "Said the only time he tried was with Marissa and look how that turned out. And I'm pretty much like Ryan except, well, sometimes I'll take the girl out a couple of times. Chino doesn't have to do that."
"He's that good?" Summer asked.
"I wouldn't know," Luke said, shaking his head at her.
*****
Ryan seemed to snap out of his depression for the next few days. He spent a lot of time at the gym and studying for his new classes. He saw Kirsten and Sandy on a daily basis and made time for Jimmy. He seemed to be coping better.
Kirsten got worried on Thursday when one of the architects came to her and explained that Ryan missed a meeting that he had arranged. Ryan was never late or absent without calling and the architects were worried. Kirsten went to his apartment and met Summer in the parking lot.
"Ryan was supposed to meet me for coffee but he didn't show," Summer explained.
"He missed a meeting, too," Kirsten said. They shared a worried glance.
No one answered the door but Ryan's car had been in the parking lot. Kirsten was relieved when Summer pulled out a spare key and opened the door.
"Ryan?" Summer called as they stepped into the apartment. Kirsten went to check the kitchen while Summer started toward his bedroom.
Summer gasped when she saw him sprawled in the hallway. She fell to her knees beside him and heard Kirsten's sharp intake of breath when she joined her.
Summer saw that Ryan was breathing but he didn't respond when she shook him.
"I'm calling 911," Kirsten said.
Summer couldn't find any sign of injury but he wouldn't wake up. His skin was pale but he wasn't hot, he was clammy. Summer realized that she cared about Ryan more than a friend. She wouldn't lose him. She was scared. He wouldn't wake up.
*****
"He's severely dehydrated…" Ryan could hear voices distantly. "Doesn't appear to have been eating…weakened immune system…"
He recognized the hospital scent and opened his eyes.
"There those beautiful blues are," Summer smiled from beside the bed.
A doctor was speaking to Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy a few feet away from the bed.
"What happened?" Ryan whispered, beginning to panic. He noted the IV in his hand and the bogs of fluid hanging from the stand beside the bed.
"We found you unconscious at your apartment…the doctor…"
"Ryan…" Kirsten interrupted, giving Ryan a hug with tears in her eyes. "I'm so glad you're okay…"
"I don't remember…" Ryan murmured.
"When's the last time you ate, Ryan?" Sandy asked from beside Kirsten.
"I…I don't know…" Ryan replied honestly.
The doctor approached. "Ryan, you have to eat. Your body is shutting down."
"Honey, you're not taking care of yourself…" Kirsten said, taking his hand.
"We're going to give you plenty of fluids and vitamins to try and replenish your body's electrolytes. Do you have any family history of an eating disorder?" The doctor asked Ryan.
"You think he's anorexic?" Jimmy asked, surprised.
"No, guys, really…I just…I just didn't think about it," Ryan said quietly, stunned.
"So. No history of an eating disorder?" The doctor repeated.
"No, sir," Ryan said.
"I'll be back to talk to you more about your condition and how we can keep this from happening again," The doctor said. He left Ryan alone with his family.
"What time is it?" Ryan asked, breaking the silence.
"It's about six in the evening. We found you around lunchtime…"
"Fuck, I had a meeting this morning and two assignments due in class, I have to…" Ryan started to sit up.
"Ryan, stop," Summer said. "You're exhausted. You have to rest."
"We're going to take care of everything. Caleb's handling the project…" Kirsten started.
"They won't work with Caleb," Ryan muttered.
"They will if you're sick. It's all handled. And we'll talk to your professors," Sandy said.
"I can do it…"
"You can't still think that you're okay, kid. You're in the hospital…" Jimmy said quietly.
"I don't know what happened…" Ryan sighed. "I'm sorry…"
"Don't be sorry…" Kirsten started. The door to the room burst open and Luke Ward rushed in.
"What happened?"
"Relax, dude, I'm fine."
"I am going to kick your ass, Chino. What happened?" Luke turned to face Kirsten and Sandy.
"He's exhausted and he hasn't been eating so he collapsed," Sandy told Luke.
"You stupid bastard…" Luke muttered, worry and anger on his face. He turned and walked out of the room.
"Summer, could you go…" Ryan sighed, motioning for the door.
"I'll go. It's okay," Jimmy offered.
"You scared the hell out of us," Summer said quietly. "You wouldn't wake up and the doctors couldn't do anything…"
"I'm sorry…"
"I'm sorry that I didn't see how sick you were…" Summer said.
"I'm not sick…"
"You're tired, Ryan. You said it yourself last week and we pushed you into it…" Kirsten started.
"You didn't push me, Kirsten…." Ryan said frustrated.
"Ryan. We want you to come home," Sandy said seriously. "Even if it's only for a few days."
"Sandy…"
"No argument, Ryan. We are really worried about you. Really, really worried," Sandy said.
Ryan sighed, affected.
The doctor returned with Caleb at his side.
"When can I get out of here?" Ryan asked.
"You won't go anywhere until the doctors clear you," Caleb said sternly.
"You didn't tell me you were Mr. Nichols' grandson…" The doctor said quietly. He was clearly intimidated.
"Caleb, we told you that he was fine," Sandy said.
"You don't have to stay, Summer. It's only going to get worse," Ryan said. She was holding his hand and showed no sign of letting go.
"I'm not leaving until you do," Summer replied. "You really scared me."
*****
At Caleb's insistence, Ryan stayed overnight in the hospital. Summer had went home once visiting hours were over but she met Luke outside of Ryan's apartment. Jimmy had calmed Luke down the day before.
"You still going to kick his ass?" Summer asked, putting an arm around Luke's waist.
"I'll give him a couple of days to recover," Luke smiled.
"What was that all about?" She asked.
"God, Summer…Ryan is like, a brother to me. I'm serious. He's always had my back and he's always helped me when I needed it. And it just…it's just fucks me up that he's fucking killing himself and he won't come to me, he won't say anything…he's been drifting along since the accident, he hasn't cared about anything…" His voice faded.
Summer gave Luke a reassuring hug. "You're a good friend, Luke. But we can only do so much. This is Ryan's thing."
Ryan yelled "Come in," when they knocked. They found him in the kitchen pouring liquor down the sink.
"Ryan?" Summer called, startled.
The sink was full of broken bottles. Summer and Luke were both surprised at the number of liquor bottles on Ryan's counter. Ryan didn't acknowledge them, focused on his task.
"What are you doing, dude?" Luke asked.
"Cleaning," Ryan said flatly. He didn't look at them. He grabbed another bottle and poured it's contents down the drain. Summer glanced at Luke, concerned and approached him.
Ryan flinched when she put her hand on his back. His blue eyes were clouded when he met her gaze for a brief moment.
"Ryan, your hands…" Summer glimpsed his bloody hands now that she was at his side.
"It's nothing…I cut it on a bottle…" He muttered, not letting her stop him. He continued to empty bottles into the sink.
"What are you doing, Ryan? Besides scaring the hell out of us, right now?" Luke asked gently.
"I'm cleaning out my life," Ryan said. "For months, I've been sitting around, waiting for things to fall into place and everything is still all fucked up. I need a clean slate." His voice is low and even.
"Are you going to stay with the Cohens?" Summer asked.
"Sandy's coming to pick me up," Ryan replied. Luke was stricken by Ryan's cold demeanor. He stepped into the other room to call Sandy.
"Honey, stop…" Summer urged, taking his wrists in her hands and making him look at her.
"Why are you calling me 'honey'?" Ryan asked. She pulled him to the bathroom and made him stand with his dripping hands over the sink. She looked under the sink for a first aid kit but stopped cold. There were at least 20 unopened prescription bottles.
"Ryan, whose drugs are these?" She pulled one out. "These are painkillers…"
"For my back," Ryan murmured.
"You…you don't take them?"
He shook his head. He seemed to snap out of his daze. He turned on the sink and began to rinse his hands of blood. "No."
"But…"
"The doctor gives them to be because of my back. And because of my migraines."
"But you don't take them…"
"No. I don't take them," Ryan said, meeting her gaze steadily. "The first aid kit is behind you."
Summer turned and spotted the kit. He took it from her hands and started bandaging his cuts.
"Do you want me to help you?" She asked.
"I got it."
"You are determined not to let anyone help you…" Summer said quietly.
Ryan glanced at her before returning his attention to the bandages. "You shouldn't worry about me."
"Easy for you to say," Summer snapped. "You're my friend, Ryan and I don't want to lose you…"
"I'm fine…" Ryan muttered.
"You're full of shit…" She retorted immediately. He didn't respond. "Ryan."
Summer slapped Ryan, infuriated that he wouldn't respond. She gasped when she realized what she had done.
Ryan touched his hand to his face, as if stunned. He didn't speak but he gave Summer a sad expression as he returned his attention to wrapping his hands.
"I'm sorry," She said quietly.
Ryan smiled at her. He clenched his fists and nodded at his bandaged hands. He walked out.
"Ryan? Ryan…" Summer followed him.
"What's going on?" Luke was outside the bathroom and was worried because of Summer's cries.
"I need to pack…" Ryan said.
"What is wrong?" Luke took Ryan by his shoulders and held him still. Ryan didn't speak but started to struggle away from Luke's grasp.
"Ryan. What is wrong?"
"Let me go, Luke…" Ryan said.
"Ryan."
"I can't…I have to…" Ryan whispered.
"You have to chill. That's all. Relax. Will you relax?" Luke's voice was low and calming. Summer was surprised at his gentle tone and handling of Ryan. Ryan took a deep breath. A tremor ran through him and Luke released him.
"It's just us, Ryan. It's Luke and Summer. Just relax…" Luke said.
"I am totally freaking out…" Ryan whispered suddenly.
"Just stop," Summer said quietly. She put an arm around him and he leaned into her with a heavy sigh.
"Go sit down. I'll pack," Luke said.
"I can…"
"Dude, shut up. Go sit down," Luke said.
"He's really worried about you," Summer said as she led him to the couch.
"So is everyone else it seems. That just makes it the perfect time for me to be freaking out."
"You are not freaking out. And even if you are, you've got a lot of people that care about you that are right here for whatever you need."
Ryan nodded silently.
"Let the Cohens help you. Let me help you…"
"I shouldn't need help. You don't need help. Luke doesn't need help…" Ryan muttered.
"Sure we do, Ryan. Luke's mom won't even let him move out. And I depend on you and Luke since I don't even have a family most days. Everybody needs a little help sometimes," Summer said quietly.
"I had a lot of help already. What's wrong with me?"
Summer touched Ryan's face tenderly. "I think you've been sad too long."
Ryan gave Summer a confused look. She took her hand away and blushed. "What's up, Summer?"
"I'm worried about you, that's all."
Ryan nodded, still confused by her gentle touch. He sighed and leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes. Within minutes, he was asleep.
*****
"Fuck, Luke. What am I going to do?" Summer was sitting in Ryan's apartment with Luke. Sandy had taken Ryan to their house. Luke was going to stay in Ryan's apartment while he was gone, mainly so if Ryan came back to his place, someone would be there.
"About what, Summer?" Luke was eating a sandwich, but listening intently.
"God…I'm falling for Chino…"
Luke choked on a bite of sandwich and laughed. "No shit?"
"Stop it," She scolded, tossing a pillow at him. "This is serious."
"Seriously?" Luke joked. "No, I know, Summer, I'm sorry…"
"But I don't know what to do…"
"Well, I don't know Summer…I mean, do you just want to fuck him or…"Summer gave him a scalding look and he rephrased immediately. "Okay, I mean, do you just want a sexual relationship or…"
"More," Summer whispered.
"Damn, Summer. Ryan…he's not going to go for it. You know what his line's going to be, right? 'Emotionally unavailable'."
"What?" Summer asked.
"That's what Marissa pounded into his head. He always says that he won't fall in love because he's 'emotionally unavailable'. That he's incapable of love. Summer, he really thinks that he's damaged or jinxed. Between his mom and Marissa, he's been totally mindfucked," Luke said in a burst of anger.
"So. You guys have talked about this," Summer nodded.
"Not in so many words, I mean, we're talking about Ryan here. But he's not into relationships, Summer. I mean, I think the world of you and I think you'd be great for Ryan but…"
"You don't think he's going to go for it."
"I've seen a lot of girls mess up friendships with Chino when they tried to loop him into a relationship," Luke said quietly.
"So what should I do?" Summer asked. " I mean…I care about him…"
"And he cares about you, too…I can't speak for him, Summer," Luke said finally.
"No, Luke, thanks. I'm going to snap out of it. Ryan's my friend. That's enough."
*****