AN: I feel a little evil posting this considering where this story is going. The scenes are short but I promise that I'm building up to something. Enjoy and let me know what you think.

*****

Summer had dinner with Seth, Kirsten and Sandy that night, hoping that Ryan would show up. Luke was staying at his apartment but they were all worried. They didn't want to search for him and make him think that they didn't trust him. But they were worried.

Kirsten had stepped into the kitchen to get another pitcher of water for the table when her cell phone buzzed. She glanced back at the table and saw that they were engaged in conversation so she answered it.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Hey."

"Hey, honey, are you okay?" Kirsten recognized Ryan immediately.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"What's going on?"

"I think I'm going to lie low a couple of days. Get my head together, you know?"

"What does that mean exactly?"

"I don't think I can come home right now," Ryan said quietly.

"Ryan, you should be around people that love you…"

"I need some time to myself. Like, alone," Ryan replied.

"Okay, Ryan, but can't you be alone at your apartment?"

"I feel like I'm under surveillance. Like everything I do is under a microscope. It's not helping."

"Honey, I'm sorry…"

"I have some news though."

"Okay, what kind of news?"

"I withdrew from my classes today…"

Kirsten sat down on the couch. "Okay, Ryan…"

"I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you guys about it, but…I thought about it a lot," Ryan said.

"It's your decision. Is that all that's bothering you?"

"You can tell Sandy that I did what he asked."

"What did he ask you to do?" Kirsten asked.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No, Ryan. What happened?"

"It's nothing. I just wanted to touch base. I'll give you guys a call tomorrow…"

"Summer's here."

"Is she okay?"

"She's a little upset but she isn't talking about it. Did something happen?"

Ryan hesitated.

"Okay, Ryan. You need some space. Can I ask where you're going?" Kirsten asked.

"I'll call you tomorrow. I swear that I'm fine," Ryan said.

"I wish that I believed you," Kirsten sighed.

"Me, too. Thanks."

Kirsten listened to the dial tone as he hung up.

"What is it?" Sandy was standing beside her.

"He needs some time. He says he feels like he's under a microscope here," Kirsten whispered.

Sandy sighed and sat down beside her. He put his arms around her.

"He said to tell you that he did what you asked, Sandy. What was he talking about?" Kirsten asked.

Sandy released her. "He did what I asked?"

"Yeah. What did you ask him to do, Sandy? Is that why he's been so skittish around you?"

"I…I heard his mother leave a message for him on his answering machine when I was at his apartment earlier. I didn't mean to hear it…but I did. I had no idea, Kirsten…I've never spent enough time with the woman and Ryan never talks about her…but she's a…she's not a mother. I told Ryan about it and…I told him that I didn't think he should see her anymore," Sandy confessed.

"You told him you didn't want him to see his mother? God, Sandy…she's his mother…" Kirsten was flushed.

"I know…lately, nothing that I say to him comes out the way that I mean. He tried to talk to me about something else and he took my response all wrong…I feel like he's slipping away and there's nothing I can do to stop it…he's fading…" Sandy replied.

"I know…but he called. That's a step. He knows how much we care about him. He said that he'd call us again tomorrow."

*****

Ryan slept soundly for the first time in months in the posh hotel room. He rarely spent money like the money he paid for this room but after the few days he'd had, he decided that he'd earned it. He had hit up the minibar the night before and ordered room service and ate a tasteless meal. He couldn't taste anything, he was too depressed but he didn't want to end up back in the hospital.

He woke up slightly disoriented but quickly remembered where he was. He wasn't far from the Cohens, he was in one of Newport's finer hotels. He ordered breakfast and when he got out of the shower, he saw it sitting by the bed on a little cart.

Ryan had never been a couch potato by any means but he intended on spending the entire day in bed. He settled into the bed and forced himself to eat the breakfast for him. He flipped on the television and began flipping channels indifferently. He finally settled on the Cartoon Network and the little purple dog that seemed to be afraid of everything but risked everything for his grandma-looking caretaker and her hateful husband. He recognized the cartoon from Seth's TIVO and found himself chuckling at the dog's adventures. Courage. He could use some of that.

Ryan waited until about noon to hit the minibar again.

*****

Summer was at the Cohen. Seth was floating in the pool and she was tanning on the patio beside Kirsten. Sandy and Luke were at the beach, surfing and Caleb and Jimmy were inside watching golf. Summer's phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's Ryan."

"Hey…how are you?"

"I'm cool. I'm lying in bed watching cartoons."

"What?" Summer smiled. "That doesn't sound like you."

"I'm just as surprised as you," Ryan laughed.

"Where are you?"

"At a hotel. Ridiculously close to you. You at your apartment?"

"I'm at the Cohens."

"Will you tell them I'm okay? I was going to call them later."

"You still should."

"I'm sorry, Summer."

"For what?" Summer had walked into the poolhouse and closed the door.

"For running off. I should've stayed and talked to you."

"It's okay."

"I didn't know how you felt."

"God, me either…I haven't had any close friends since high school and you and Luke…you guys are really important to me…"

"Me, too."

"But when I found you unconscious the other day…I realized how important you really are to me…I need you and God, Ryan…I want you…"

"Summer…"

"I want to take care of you and I want you to take care of me…"

"I can't even take care of myself right now…"

"You're running yourself too hard…Kirsten said you dropped out."

"I did."

"Why?"

"Because. I don't think I need it. I can't focus on that when…when I'm this tired."

"Tired?"

"I'm tired."

"How do you feel, though?"

"I'm tired."

"That's not a valid answer. That describes your physical state. How's your mental state?"

"Tired."

"Ryan…"

"I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my mom, I'm tired of being responsible for Marissa's recovery and Trey's rehabilitation and Jimmy's guilt…I'm tired of having to take care of everything…I'm tired of being tired…"

"Then rest."

"I'm trying."

"Really?" Summer asked.

"Yes. But I miss you. I miss my life."

"You miss me?"

"Yeah."

"Like, the same way you miss Luke?"

"No, Summer…"

She smiled. "How do you miss me?"

"Summer…I can't be with you…"

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because I don't want to lose you."

"What?"

"I can't explain it…"

"Try. Please."

"I have fucked up every relationship I've ever had…"

"Not everything was your fault. There's 2 people in a relationship, why let Marissa…"

"I don't want to talk about Marissa."

"Ryan, what I'm trying to say is that she wasn't right for you. That relationship was one sided…you deserve to be loved…I…"

"Don't…"

"I love you, Ryan."

"You don't love me…"

"I know how I feel…"

"Summer…"

"I need to know, Ryan, if you feel the same way…"

"Don't ask me to…" Ryan started.

"To what? Don't ask you to care? Don't ask you to feel?"

"Don't ask me do this right now…"

"Do what?"

Ryan sighed. "I care about you, Summer. You know that."

"Then come home. Let's try this."

"I told you. I can't."

"I can't accept that. I know I can make you happy…"

"Don't do this, Summer…" Ryan protested.

"Ryan…"

"I called because I don't want to lose you and because I needed a friend to talk to and you're giving me an ultimatum…God, Summer…I have to go…"

"I'm sorry…" Summer started.

"Me, too." Ryan hung up.

*****

Summer was sitting on the bed in the poolhouse when Seth stepped inside.

"Everything okay?"

Summer wiped her eyes. "Yeah. Sort of. Ryan's at a hotel. Watching cartoons, he said."

"And that made you cry?"

Summer sighed when he sat down beside her.

"You love him," Seth stated.

She nodded.

"And he won't date you."

She nodded again.

"He'll come around, Summer."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're a great woman. You're a true friend. Ryan's just having a shitty time lately. He's…"

"Really upset and I made it worse," Summer said.

"He'll come around Summer. He's just oblivious sometimes. He's been anti-dating for so long, he can't see past physical attraction. When someone actually cares about him…he doesn't get it."

"How do you know that?" Summer asked.

"Dad was telling me about it. About how girls want him but…he won't consider dating. Anyone."

"It just kills me to see him take those sluts home and…and I know he doesn't feel that way about me…but it still sucks, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Summer," Seth said. He put his arm around her.

"Me, too."

*****

Ryan went to the hospital a couple of hours after talking to Summer. He smiled at the nurses and a couple of them hug him. They recognize him because of his previously steady visitation of Marissa. One of the nurses had explained that Marissa's language skills had advanced to simple sentences during his absence.

Ryan stepped inside Marissa's room. Marissa smiled widely and her large eyes filled with tears.

"You back!" She said.

He gave her a silent smile. After talking to Jimmy, he knew that he had to see her.

"Missed you…" She said as he sat down beside her bed. She reached over and took his hand, holding it with a smile.

"How are you?" Ryan asked.

"Good. Happy you came."

Ryan smiled.

"I'm sorry, Ryan," She said clearly, her eyes bright with intelligent. "Mad at me?"

"No, Marissa."

She smiled, satisfied. "Happy to see you."

Ryan didn't talk but Marissa seemed satisfied by his presence. He just wished it made him as happy as it made her.

*****

When Ryan left, he ran into Jimmy in the parking lot.

"Hey, kid. What are you doing here?" Jimmy gave him a friendly hug.

"I went to see Marissa."

"Really? Not because of me, I hope…"

"No, Jimmy. I needed to see her."

Jimmy notices Ryan's conflicted expression. "You want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Whatever's eating you."

Ryan considered it. "Summer thinks she loves me."

"Summer's great. Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know. I thought we were friends."

"I'm sure you are."

"Then why fuck up a good friendship?" Ryan asked.

Jimmy leaned against Ryan's car. Ryan lit a cigarette. "Are you waiting for Marissa, Ryan?"

"No."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"I'm not waiting for anything…"

"You deserve to be in love…do you love Summer?"

"I care about her…I hadn't thought of her like that…"

"And now?"

"I don't know. I think I could love her but…"

"But what?"

"Me and relationships don't exactly go together."

"You can't give up, Ryan. You're young. Most relationships don't work out. But if you don't take a chance you'll never get to experience the happiness of a good relationship," Jimmy said.

Ryan sighed.

"You think you'll hurt her?"

"I know I'll hurt her. And she'll hurt me. We just have to have enough love to make it through, though, right?"

"Yeah, Ryan."

Ryan was silent.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take a nap. I'll see you later, Jimmy."

*****

Luke knocked on the door of the Cohen's and Seth swung it open.

"Get your stuff."

"What?"

"We're going to see Ryan."

"What?"

"Say what again," Luke said, imitating Samuel L. Jackson. Seth grabbed his jacket and followed him to the truck.

"Did he call you?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. He's crashed out at the hotel across town. He says he's been watching cartoons and pigging out on room service."

"How'd he sound?"

"Okay, I guess. I think he was drunk. Why?"

"Summer talked to him. She was pretty upset."

"She's in love with him," Luke stated.

"Yeah. And he shut her down."

"Sounds like Ryan," Luke assented.

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Ryan and I try not to talk about that kind of stuff when we're sober. I mean, I'm all about having a few one-night-stands but not as a rule…I'd like more out of a relationship eventually.

"And he doesn't?"

"He doesn't want to make the effort. To get to know someone that intimately and have them know you…it's a dangerous investment with a history like his."

"I'll never be able to make up for what I did to him," Seth said quietly.

Luke glanced at him. "The fucker's already forgiven you. He forgives everyone except himself."

*****

"There's a memory of a window, looking through I see you,

searching for something I could never give you

and there's someone who understands you more than I do

a sadness I can't erase

all alone on your face…"

--Third Eye Blind

Luke and Seth were passed out in Ryan's hotel room thanks to Trey's tequila. The four men had engaged in a brutal game of poker. Trey and Ryan were aficionados but Ryan had taught both Seth and Luke the tricks as well.

Ryan had sent Trey home in a cab and arranged Luke on the bed and Seth on the couch. He got in his car and slowly drove to Summer's apartment.

It was raining and he'd forgotten his cell phone. Her lights were on. He got out of his car despite the rain and stood by his car.

He was shaking with cold as he climbed the decorative trellis to her balcony.

Summer came to the window. "Ryan?"

His hair was plastered to his head and his clothes were soaked.

"You're shaking, come inside…my god…" She pulled him inside by his arm.

Ryan put his hand on her back and held her steady against him.

"Ryan, what…" She started.

He kissed her passionately. She couldn't breathe and he was trembling. His tremors ran through her as she pulled off his shirt.

"Are you sure?" She panted as he fumbled with her buttons.

"Don't talk…"

"But…"

"I want to be close to you…" He whispered.

They didn't make it to the bed. They made intense love where they landed. When Summer woke up the next day, she was alone. He had carried her to the bed.

*****