AN: Okay here's a short update for self-preservation. MAD PROPS AND THANX to Jo for helping me with this chapter, I couldn't have done it without you, you helped me bring it all together…and now, onto the story…
Caleb was surprised to see Ryan walking into the Newport Group offices early the next morning. He knew that Kirsten and Sandy were worried sick about him and he was worried, too. The kid looked like he hadn't slept in days. He didn't go to his office, he lingered in the lobby. He snagged one of the architects when he saw him walk out.
"Hey. Is Ryan in there?"
"Mr. Nichols. Morning. Yeah, the kid's here. Is everything okay with him?" Tom asked immediately.
"I don't know. What do you think?"
"He looks like hell. And it's like, he's tying up loose ends or something, he has the whole project outlined in there, and it looks great and all but…where's he going?" Tom asked.
"I don't know. Thanks, Tom."
"If there's anything I can do, any of us, just let us know. He's a good kid." Tom nodded and left Caleb alone.
Ryan walked out with his laptop under his arm. His eyes were lowered as he walked and he didn't notice Caleb.
"Ryan. Can I have a moment?" Caleb asked. Ryan jumped, startled.
"Sure."
"Your parents are worried sick," Caleb said quietly. He put his arm around Ryan and guided him out into the sunlight.
"The Cohens have been really great. I'm going to call them."
"What's going on?" Caleb asked when Ryan didn't continue.
"Nothing. I'm just taking a break," Ryan replied. His gaze met Caleb's suddenly. Caleb was surprised to see a flicker of pure pain in his eyes.
"What's going on?" Caleb repeated, softer.
"Nothing. Listen, Mr. Nichols…"
"Caleb, son, call me Caleb…"
"Caleb, I appreciate everything that you've done for me. I loved working for you..."
"Are you quitting? Does Kiki know?" Caleb gasped, honestly surprised.
"I'm taking a break, Mr. Nichols and…"
"You need to go home and talk to Sandy and Kiki. You need to get some sleep. You need to rest. If you promise to do those things then maybe I'll consider letting you take a break…" Caleb started.
Ryan shook his head slowly but Caleb didn't see anything in his eyes now. He was chilled by the stoniness of the blue in the kid's eyes. "It's not your decision, it's mine. Thank you for everything." Ryan nodded his head respectively and walked away.
Caleb pulled out his cell phone and dialed his daughter. He got her voicemail. "Kiki? It's your dad. Something's wrong with the boy."
*****
Seth and Luke were gone when Ryan returned to the hotel. He had several messages at the desk but he didn't call anyone. He was taking care of it in installments. He took a shower and sat down on the bed, feeling slightly better.
He felt like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. He was really doing it. He was breaking free. He was out of school, out of work and he had given Summer and his friends one last night of 'fun'. Now all he had to do was say goodbye to the Cohens and he would be free. He would be free to finally disappear. Once and for all.
*****
Ryan knocked on the door of the Cohens later that evening and Rosa opened it with a wide smile. She gave him a hug and clucked her tongue at him because he was too thin as she guided him into the kitchen.
Seth, Kirsten and Sandy were eating dinner and they all let out a hearty greeting for him. He sat down across from Seth and accepted the plate that Kirsten put in front of him. None of the Cohens wanted to immediately interrogate Ryan at the dinner table, not when he showed up willingly.
Ryan was smiling and participating in the conversation. He gave Seth some tips on navigating the campus on UCLA where he was going to start his application process for the spring semester the next day. He told Kirsten about a funny incident at the Newport Group. He told Sandy a funny story about his brother's probation officer. Sandy and Seth were clearly impressed with Ryan's mood but Kirsten had a look of disbelief in her eyes. After dessert, she got up and left the table.
"Did I do something wrong?" Ryan asked after a moment.
"I'll go check on her," Sandy said immediately.
"So you ran out on us last night. Where'd you go?"
"I couldn't sleep so I took a walk," Ryan shrugged.
"In your car. At Summer's house?" Seth smirked.
Ryan sighed. He should have known that Summer would tell someone.
"She said you left without saying goodbye," Seth remarked quietly.
"I hate saying goodbye. Some things should be left unspoken," Ryan sighed.
Seth studied his friend's tired face. "Are you really all right, Ryan? Because it seems like you're in a pretty good mood considering the last couple of days you've had."
"I'm all right. I know that everything's going to be okay now," Ryan nodded.
"Really? What's changed?" Seth asked after a beat.
"Nothing, I guess. I just have a feeling that this will all be okay."
Seth nodded, getting a strange vibe from his friend's calm voice.
"I'm going to go lie down for a few minutes, okay? I'm getting a headache."
"I'll tell Mom and Dad. Don't run off without saying goodbye," Seth added.
"I'll stop back inside before I take off. Tell Rosa that dinner was great."
Seth watched Ryan slowly walk to the poolhouse. Ryan paused outside the smaller building and stared at it for a while.
*****
"Kirsten? What's wrong?"
"Something's wrong. He's sitting there acting like everything is fine but it's not. Something's wrong, Sandy," Kirsten was crying when he found her in their bedroom.
"What are you talking about? Sure, he looks tired but he's in a great mood…" Sandy started, rubbing her shoulders.
"And you think that's normal?"
"I don't know, Kirsten, but it's better than he's been lately…"
"Something's wrong. My dad left me a message earlier. Something's wrong, Sandy, I don't know how to explain it but this is all just wrong…" Kirsten started to sob. Sandy didn't know what else to do, he believed her though. If she was this upset, her motherly instincts couldn't be wrong.
*****
Seth waited about a half an hour for his parents to return but when they didn't, he decided to check on Ryan anyway.
Seth knocked on the door to the pool house. Ryan swung open the door with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
"Hey, man. What are you doing?" Seth asked after a beat. His mom would kill Ryan if he found him smoking in the poolhouse.
"Thinking." Ryan walked away and sat down by the bed. His blue eyes were distant and empty. Seth followed him and stood beside him.
"Thinking? About what?"
"About how to kill myself," Ryan replied in a monotone.
"What?" Seth asked, stunned. Ryan's voice was distant and soft.
"Slitting my wrists just takes too long. I don't want to savor death. Hanging's like putting yourself up for display, like putting my pain up as an exhibit. Asphyxiation, like going to sleep in my car in a garage, that's just a punk way out. I don't want to go out like that..."
"Ryan..." Seth started but Ryan continued, as if in a trance. Seth couldn't move. He was stricken and didn't know if he could even form words.
"I could shoot myself, but that's just so damn messy and unreliable if I fuck up the angle. I don't want to spend the last few hours of my life fucked up on pills, so an overdose is out..."
"Ryan, stop it..." Seth managed.
"I think I'd like to just float away. I think I'd like to just walk into the ocean and just sink..."
"Ryan..." Seth started again.
"Do you read Bukowski?" Ryan asked blankly.
"What?" Seth asked, confused and chilled to the bone.
" 'I think of guitars under the sea, trying to play music. It is sad and good and quiet'...that's where I want to be...where it's quiet again..." Ryan murmured. There was no life in his eyes.
"Ryan…you're scaring the hell out of me."
Ryan didn't respond. He took a long drag off his cigarette as it burned down near the filter. He let the smoke drift out of his nostrils, as his eyes remained locked on the horizon outside the window.
"Ryan. Ryan, dude, talk to me…" Seth urged.
Ryan didn't respond. He put the bottle of vodka to his lips and drained the bottle.
"Ryan. Please."
"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked quietly, not looking at Seth.
"I'm worried as hell about you. Everyone is…"
"What are you doing here, Seth?" Ryan repeated. He met Seth's worried gaze with dull eyes.
"I'm worried…"
"You don't give a damn about me, Seth. What are you doing here? You come to watch me die? Cheer me on?" Ryan asked coldly. "You want to tie the noose around my neck, Seth? You want to cut my wrists…" Ryan held out his wrists.
"Stop it!" Seth snapped.
Ryan was silent.
"Let me get my dad, let me call Summer if you won't talk to me…" Seth started. He was shaking with concern. He'd never seen Ryan like this, he didn't know Ryan was capable of something like this. Ryan Atwood was not suicidal. Something was very wrong. "Let me help you…"
"This has nothing to do with you, Seth..."
"It has to do with you so it has to do with me..."
"I'm nothing to you, Seth, you don't need me, you don't want me around, you're just trying to placate your parents..."
"Ryan, that's not true..." Seth gasped.
"Really? Are we friends now? Are we family again? Because I didn't get that memo."
"Ryan..." Seth gasped, his friend's tone harsh.
"No, Seth, you can't just come back and expect me to let you back into my life like that..."
"When did you ever let me into your life, Ryan? You've never let me into your life..." Seth said, his emotions taking over.
"Fuck you, Seth..." Ryan said flatly.
"No, Ryan, we need to talk about this..."
"Why? What does talking solve?"
"Dude, you want to die..." Seth whispered. He was emotional but Ryan was completely disconnected.
"I'm already dead..." Ryan replied. Seth reacted instinctively and slapped Ryan across the face.
"Stop it."
"It's true," Ryan murmured.
"It's not true. You're alive and you have people that care about you, you have a family and friends and a girl that would die for you…" Seth started.
"She doesn't love me…you guys don't need me around…don't you understand? Don't you get it? This is not my life…it's my hell…" Ryan murmured.
"Ryan, stop talking like this…"
"I thought you wanted me to talk…" Ryan snapped. "That's all anyone wants, it doesn't matter what I say, it's never what you want to hear, I never say the right thing…"
"Ryan, please…" Seth started but Ryan seemed to shut down. He didn't speak. He didn't look at Seth. His blue eyes were dead and empty. Seth sat down beside him and shook him.
"Ryan, Ryan, snap out of it…Ryan…" Seth had tears streaming down his face
Ryan wouldn't look at Seth.
"Dude, you're so important to us, you're my brother, you're my best friend and you mean more to me right now than anyone else in my life…if something happened to you, I don't know what the hell I'd do…" Seth said, shaking Ryan by the arm.
Summer walked across the patio. She glanced through the window and saw Seth talking to Ryan. She didn't want to interrupt them, she knew that they had a lot of stuff to work out and she was glad to see them talking.
"Ryan, Ryan, why won't you listen to me!" Seth was saying. He had been talking to Ryan for several minutes but Ryan wouldn't respond at all. It was like the off switch had been turned off. He took Ryan by the shoulders and started to shake him.
Ryan's eyelids were drooping and he didn't speak.
"Goddammit, I won't let you do this to me!" Seth yelled suddenly, shaking Ryan violently. He was so frustrated with his friend's unresponsiveness that he punched him suddenly in the face and blood started to trickle from his nose.
"Seth, stop it!" Summer yelled, rushing into the poolhouse.
"Snap out of it! Talk to me! You can't do this, you don't mean it!" Seth was yelling. He had pulled Ryan to his feet with in his furor and when Summer grabbed his arms, Ryan staggered and collapsed back to a sitting position on the bed.
"What is wrong with you?" Summer demanded, shaking Seth this time.
"Summer…" Seth was crying.
Summer was startled at the raw emotion and when she turned to see Ryan's reaction, he was gone. The door to the poolhouse was still open and she saw his form disappearing around the edge of the main house.
*****