"I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." --Jack "Fight Club"
Ryan was sitting on the end of a pier. He was waiting for his moment of clarity.
He thought he'd had it when he decided to die. He hadn't slept in days. The insomnia was a curse at first but it had solidified his resolve. The only way to end his suffering. The only way to make everything stop.
But he was having second thoughts now and he couldn't shake them. Sandy's fierce concern for his well-being. Kirsten's joy at his acceptance into the family. Caleb's acceptance and Luke's loyalty. Jimmy's fatherly advice and Seth's comforting chatter. And Summer.
He had to find his resolve again. But until then he was waiting. Waiting for the best time to die.
When he'd decided to die, it was freeing. He didn't have to worry about anything anymore. He had put all his affairs in order. Like he was leaving for vacation. He'd visited everyone he cared about. He'd made peace with every part of his life.
His cell phone buzzed. He glanced at the display alerting him that he had a text message. His curiosity still was intact so he hit a button.
"Please. Stay."
Ryan hesitated. He should pitch the phone into the ocean and dive in after it. He would breathe the salt water. He would see the beauty under the sea. He would be calm like the water beneath the waves.
"We love you. Call." The phone flashed the new message and his hands started to shake.
He had to go. He was too tired to stay. His life was a burden. He had never been happy. He wasn't capable of being happy. He was a waste of a soul and he needed to return his cells to the earth so maybe it could make something useful.
"Please don't go."
It didn't matter who was sending the messages. He didn't care. He shouldn't care.
The phone rang suddenly. The sound was harsh to his ears and he dropped the phone into the roaring sea below.
Ryan sighed. He leaned forward and took a deep breath. He was so tired.
"Ryan." Luke's voice was a whisper.
"Yeah?" Ryan sighed, not moving. He kept his back to Luke.
"Will you do me a favor?" His voice was closer.
"Now?"
"Please?" Luke was standing behind Ryan's seated form.
"What."
"Step back and talk to me, that's it."
Ryan didn't move. He didn't want Luke to see him jump. The crazy bastard might come after him. It might fuck Luke's head up like the accident had done to him. If he stepped back then Luke was sure to try and tackle him or something. He didn't move.
"Oh god…" Sandy gasped.
"You guys totally ruined my moment," Ryan muttered. Sandy moved beside Luke but Luke stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"Ryan…is it really this bad? Are you really…is it that hard for you to stay? Because…because if it is…I won't stop you…" Luke spoke softly. Jimmy and Caleb appeared and they formed a semicircle behind Ryan.
"I just can't, Luke…" Ryan whispered.
"Won't you even try? For us? For Cohen and Sandy? For Kirsten? Fuck, can't you just try?" Luke's words were spaced between choking sounds. "I've seen you talk razors out of Marissa's hand; I've see you visit your mother and come home shaking; I've seen you stay up all night to work on Newport Group stuff when you have exams the next day…I know what you're capable of and I just can't watch you go out like this…"
"Shut up, Luke…" Ryan whispered.
"Please. Don't do this. I didn't know that it was this bad for you…but it might get better…" Luke said.
"It doesn't get better," Ryan replied. He didn't flinch when Luke gently put his hand on his shoulder.
"There's still a chance." Luke sat down beside him and shuddered, looking down.
"I'm not going to jump tonight," Ryan whispered.
"If you don't plan on living, Ryan, then you might as well jump," Luke said.
"Luke…" Jimmy gasped.
"Then you know. You can see it…I'm already dead…" Ryan whispered, meeting Luke's gaze.
"No, dude, you just haven't started to live again yet…you're still caught up in Marissa's accident and your mom…you stopped living when your mom left you years ago and…and…you're not dead…" Luke urged.
Ryan returned his gaze to the horizon.
"When's the last time you did something completely for yourself?" Luke asked.
"I was going to walk off this pier tonight."
Luke shook his head.
"What do you want me to do, Luke? Because if I knew what to do to stop all this, I would have already done it…I can't…I can't go on like this…I can't keep feeling like…feeling like I'm drowning in my own noise…"
"What?"
"I can't see a way out, Luke," Ryan whispered.
"Let us help you find an exit," Luke replied.
Ryan sighed.
"It's damned high here," Luke commented, looking down again.
"Sandy?" Ryan called, not moving.
"I'm here, son."
"I'll go wherever you want." Ryan slid back and slowly got to his feet. He staggered but Jimmy and Caleb each took an arm and steadied him.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Summer, Seth and Kirsten all jumped when they heard the front door open. "Sandy?" Kirsten called.
"We got him," Caleb's voice responded.
They rushed into the den where Jimmy was lowering Ryan onto the couch.
"He hasn't said anything since Luke talked him out of jumping," Jimmy said quietly as Kirsten sat down beside him and embraced him desperately. Ryan's eyes were glazed and unfocused and he was shaking. He clung to Kirsten.
Sandy stepped in. Luke was nowhere to be seen.
"Ryan…" Summer sat down beside him and Seth took Kirsten's vacated seat as she got up to check on Luke.
"I think he should go to the hospital. Just until we can find out what to do," Sandy said suddenly.
"You can't lock him up in the mental institution, Sandy, let me take him to Aspen, I have a house there, he could get some rest and…" Caleb started.
"He shouldn't be up in the mountains all alone either, he should be around his family and his friends, he needs to know that we care about him," Jimmy interrupted.
Summer put her arm around Ryan and he slowly relaxed against her. She lowered his head to her lap and gently ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes.
"I'm so sorry..." Ryan whispered.
"Shh…it's okay now…we'll make it okay…" Summer urged.
"Come on, let's get you somewhere you don't have to listen to this," Seth said quietly. Summer and Seth helped him to his feet and led him into the guest room.
When Ryan sat down on the bed, he started to cry. Summer and Seth wrapped their arms around him and rocked him gently.
"I'm so sorry…" Ryan murmured.
"It's okay, now, Ryan. We won't leave you again…" Seth said, crying himself.
"You promise?" Ryan whispered as his sobs grew worse.
"We promise, Ryan…we're not going anywhere," Summer echoed.
////////////////////////////////////////
Sandy and Kirsten stepped into the guest room about fifteen minutes later. Ryan had fallen asleep with tears still on his cheeks and Summer was cradling him across her lap, not wanting to disturb him. Seth was sitting beside Summer with his arm around her.
"What did you decide?" Seth asked quietly.
"There's a hospital…" Sandy started.
"He'll die if you lock him up," Summer whispered.
"He…he was going to jump, Summer. He scared Luke half to death, I can't even get him to come inside…he needs help that I don't think we can give him," Kirsten replied.
"Mom, those places are so scary, it'll be like jail to him," Seth said.
"Guys, we all agreed that this is best. We've talked to the counselors there and it's better than a regular hospital. He'll stay there alone for a few days so...in case he…"
"In case he tries it again," Summer whispered, her gaze locked on Ryan's sleeping face.
"Oh god…" Seth said. "Someone has to call his brother."
"Luke took care of that. Trey's on his way over," Sandy said.
"So a hospital. You think that will help?" Summer asked.
"It has to. I won't lose him. Not like this. Not after all he's been through…" Kirsten said, tearing up. She walked out, unable to look at Ryan.
"Are you guys okay in here?" Sandy asked.
"Yeah. We'll stay with him," Seth nodded.
"Let us know if he wakes up. Caleb and I are making the necessary arrangements. We want to talk to him about it as soon as he wakes up."
"Okay, Dad."