AN: Shortest update yet, I think. But here's something to show everyone that I'm not dead and neither is Ryan. (I'm not that evil yet.)
"We should let him sleep…" Sandy was saying.
"He needs to eat something…" Kirsten replied.
"You said the doctors said he was sleep-deprived…" Seth contributed.
"He's had 10 hours of sleep…" Kirsten objected.
"Summer's still asleep, too…"
"We're all tired but this isn't normal…" Kirsten said.
"I'm awake," Ryan said quietly. Summer was still asleep on the bed beside him. Seth, Sandy, Kristen, Jimmy and Caleb were standing around the bed.
"Hey, kid," Sandy smiled.
"I didn't mean to take such a long nap. What's going on?" Ryan asked. He sat up on his elbows.
"You've been sleeping like a dead man…" Caleb said without thinking.
Ryan laughed at their startled expressions. "It's cool. I'm up."
Seth offered him a hand as he got to his feet. "You okay?"
"Got a headache…hangover almost…" Ryan said, steadying himself by clasping his hand around Seth's wrist.
"Trey and Luke are inside eating all the food so we thought we should get you while there's still something left," Seth said.
"Relax, everyone…let's go inside. Let Summer sleep," Ryan said.
"We can bring it to you…" Kirsten offered.
"It's cool. I should see my brother if he's here…" Ryan said, giving her a sad smile. "It's okay."
Kirsten put her arm around him and walked beside him.
"Hey, kid," Trey gave Ryan a brotherly hug.
"Hey. You okay?" Ryan patted his brother on the shoulders. "You look stressed…"
"Fuck you, man. You okay?" Trey asked, concerned.
"I'm cool. I'm under orders to eat."
"You're awfully chipper…" Luke muttered.
"Well, I didn't consult my post-suicide attempt handbook to find out the proper etiquette…" Ryan snapped.
"Chill, man…" Trey said, surprised at Ryan's quick anger.
"What do you want from me?" Ryan asked, walking over to Luke.
"I want you to stop tiptoeing around everyone and be honest," Luke snapped. He stood up and faced Ryan down.
"Boys. Stop it. You're friends. You're both adults. Stop acting like children," Kirsten scolded.
"You need your ass kicked," Luke said quietly to Ryan.
"Yeah, well, you'd know best, I guess," Ryan muttered, turning away.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Luke asked. He reached out to touch Ryan's shoulder but Ryan spun around defensively and stepped back.
"Just relax, Ryan…it's cool, okay?" Seth said, calmly. Ryan's gaze settled on him. "Come here." Ryan walked over and sat down with a sigh in the chair Seth was holding out.
"Thanks," Ryan mumbled.
"Everything's cool. There's no drama in the champagne room," Seth said.
"I think you've got your rules confused," Luke replied.
Seth shrugged. "Whatever works."
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Ryan hadn't had a moment to himself since his shower earlier in the poolhouse. He inhaled deeply and relaxed, leaning against the side of the poolhouse. He slid down until he was almost sitting.
He pulled out the cigarettes he'd snatched from Trey earlier and lit one. He took a long drag and let himself relax. He started to shake. He'd been holding himself together in front of everyone and this is the first chance he's had to relax.
They meant well. Kirsten and Sandy. His friends. He had to get better for them. They were trying so hard.
But he was not feeling better.
It was harder now. His secret was out. Not that his depression had been a secret. But everyone knew that he'd given up. That he couldn't do this.
It had been so long since he had let himself feel anything. It hurt too much. He'd shut down his emotions so he could survive and now he was paying the price. He had reached critical mass and he was melting down.
"Klepto."
"Fuck you," Ryan replied, tossing Trey the pack of cigarettes.
"Kirsten's voracious about the cigarettes, huh?" Trey sat down beside him.
"Yeah."
Trey lit his cigarette. "Well, she's right, though. You shouldn't smoke."
Ryan nodded. "I know."
"I'd ask if you were okay but you'd probably punch me."
Ryan nodded again.
"So, what do you want to do? Do you want me to go?"
"It's cool."
"Okay."
They sat in silence.
"The Cohens, they're all about the talking. I guess we never learned that skill at our house," Trey said quietly.
Ryan shrugged.
"I know I wasn't around much…"
"Trey."
"No, man, let me try this talking thing…"
Ryan sighed.
"Okay?"
Ryan waved his hand noncommittally.
"Okay. I'm the big brother. I should have helped you out more…"
"I'm not your responsibility."
"You're a kid…well, not anymore. But you were a kid and you had no one…"
"I did fine, Trey."
"Dude, the Cohens are awesome. But our parents…they fucked us up. Two years with the Cohens can't erase the rest of your life."
"What are you trying to say, man?"
"I'm sorry."
"Okay, you suck. I already knew that," Ryan replied, attempting to joke.
Trey laughed nervously. "I hate seeing you like this. It's not you…"
"Yeah, man. It is me. This…bullshit…it's all me," Ryan sighed.
"Kid…"
"Did you ever think…think that maybe Mom and Dad were right all along?" Ryan asked quietly.
"What?" Trey gasped.
"That I am a failure. That I'm weak and…"
"Stop, Ryan. Mom and Dad…they're mean…they said those things to fuck up your head…"
"They're our parents, Trey. We came from them."
"Damn, man…you're really on this? Damn…I mean, they're our parents but we're not them…" Trey paused, trying to phrase what he's thinking. "We take certain things from them, chemically or whatever, but you're a unique person. You're Ryan J. Atwood and I can promise you…you're nothing like Dawn or Dad. You…you care about people other than yourself, you're smart and…"
"Sorry I asked," Ryan muttered, holding up his hand to stop Trey.
"Dude, Mom and Dad have nothing to do with you. You have to let go of all the bullshit they fed you."
"I know. But sometimes…no matter how hard I try…it's like I'm still proving them right…" Ryan whispered.
"Stop trying to prove something and just live…" Trey whispered. He nudged Ryan gently with his elbow. "Stop doubting yourself. Shit happens but we don't let it keep us down."
"Who told you that?" Ryan snorted.
"You did," Trey grinned.
"Really? Huh. I really am full of shit."
"I know. But you pulled my ass out of the fire…now get up and come inside."
"I think I'm going to sit out here awhile," Ryan replied as Trey stood up.
"Okay. But don't…don't freak out. Give these people a chance to help you. Let somebody help you for a change."
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Kirsten, Sandy and Seth had all gone to bed when he returned inside. Luke had taken Trey back before going home.
Summer had her back to him, focused intently on her history book as she sat at the counter. She didn't jump as he slipped his arm around her.
"Hey," She smiled.
"Studying?"
"Unsuccessfully," She replied.
"I think we should probably talk," He said quietly.
"Are you up for that?"
"I hope we'll still be friends after having a conversation," Ryan smiled.
"Okay. Let's go outside."
On the patio, they sat down in parallel pool chairs.
"What's up?" Summer asked. He took her hand and they sat, connected.
"I owe you an explanation."
"For what?"
"I…I came to your apartment…"
"I remember."
"And I knew how you felt…"
"If you tell me that it didn't mean anything, Chino…" Summer's eyes flashed with anger.
"No, Summer…it meant something…it meant everything…" He started quietly.
"Ryan…"She gasped.
"Chill. Let me talk," Ryan smiled. "What I'm trying to say is…I care about you…more than a friend, but…but I can't be with you…"
"What?"
"Just hear me out, Summer…I need to put myself back together and…and I have to do it alone…"
"No, baby, let me help you…"
"Summer, I can't depend on you right now, I have to do this myself…I won't let you be my crutch… I have to do this myself so when I'm ready…and if you're still here…I'll maybe be a whole person and not …and not just a bunch of pieces."
"But…"
"I just wanted to tell you…so you'd know that…that you mean a lot to me…"
"Ryan…"
"Stop. Just listen…" Ryan interrupted but Summer leaned over and kissed him. He tried to pull away but she continued to kiss him.
"I'm listening," Summer breathed.
"Summer, stop…"
"You deserve to be happy, don't I make you happy?" She said between kisses.
"God…yes…but…"
"Then get up…let me give you some happiness tonight…"
He let her pull him to his feet. "Summer, this is a bad idea…"
"No, it's the best idea…I want to make you happy, Ryan…even if it's just for tonight…" She said, pulling him into the poolhouse.