AN: I haven't forgotten about this story. Sorry for the delay in updating, I'm a slacker. Hope this tides over the sparse people that are still interested. Still don't own the OC.
Summer woke up with Ryan's arms around her. He had woken her when he shuddered.
"Ryan?"
"Can I kiss you?" He murmured into her neck.
"What?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"Ryan…"
"Please?"
She rolled over and accepted his lips.
She missed him so much. She'd dreamed about him and worried until she could hardly breathe. And now he was here in her arms. Kissing her.
After several minutes, she turned her face away and pulled him close. "What's all this?"
"I missed you."
"Me, too. But we're friends first. What's going on?"
He sighed and shuddered again. "I'm just…I really need to feel good…even if it's just for a little while…I feel…"
"How do you feel?"
"Like…like…like I did before…like I'm getting sick again…"
She sat up and put her hands on his bare chest to keep him on his back. "Ryan, are you serious?"
"I love you…I love my family…I love my life…but I can't change the way I feel…" He whispered.
"Okay, baby…let's just talk about it, okay?"
"Okay…but…can you call Gaby?"
"Of course…" Summer reached behind her and grabbed her phone off the nightstand. He sat up and leaned forward.
"Yesterday was just an unusually harsh day," Ryan started slowly as Summer dialed Ryan's apartment.
"Every day's not going to be that harsh," Ryan continued. "Julie Cooper's always hated me and just because I got drunk doesn't mean that I can't stay sober, it was just an unusual night, it was an adjustment phase…"
"Luke? Bring Gaby over to my place now…just her…yes, now…" Summer hung up as Ryan continued speaking softly.
"And I can totally handle that Marissa's dead, I can completely get over it…"
"Okay, baby, that's enough…come here…" She pulled him into an embrace. "Just relax…"
"I am so sorry for doing this to you…"
"I made my decisions all on my own. I love you because of who you are…I will always be here for you…"
"Thank you…" He started to cry silently. He cried himself to sleep and she gently placed him on a pillow. She heard Luke in her kitchen calling her name.
She left Ryan and went to the door. "Hey, guys."
"Is he here?" Gaby asked. She was wearing a haphazardly buttoned shirt of Luke's over one of Ryan's wifebeaters.
"He just cried himself to sleep, he asked me to call you…" Summer explained.
"What happened last night?" Luke asked.
"He was drunk and he started to worry about Trey and he was just off-center. He didn't want to go home so we came here…"
"He's okay?" Gaby asked, relieved.
"He's…he said he felt like he was getting sick again. Then he started giving himself this weird pep talk…he scared the hell out of me."
"I'm going to stay with him. Guys…I don't think we should push this Marissa stuff on him," Gaby said.
"We're not pushing anything on him, Gaby. We just want him to be okay," Luke responded.
"Oh, I know," She said apologetically. "What I mean is…"
"I'll call Sandy and Jimmy. Tell them that Ryan's safe but not going anywhere today," Summer nodded.
"Go to him. I'll get you some clothes and some breakfast. Coffee."
"Coffee," Summer and Gaby said in unison.
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Ryan woke up, steadier a few hours later. Gaby and Summer were with him, watching him and sharing a plate of pastries by the window.
"Hey. Feeling better?" Summer asked, going to his side immediately.
"Yeah. I needed to sleep," Ryan nodded.
"Well, if you're up to it, Seth called for you."
"Where is he?"
"He's at your place."
"I should get over there, explain myself," He said, swinging his legs off the bed.
"Just chill out, kid," Gaby said. "Heard you're stretched pretty tight."
"I'm fine."
Summer was staring at him.
"Really, I'm okay…"
"You are not okay…"
"We're doing this again?" He sighed.
"Ryan…" Gaby warned.
"No. We're not doing this again. I'm going to go home. Gaby, can you drive me?"
Gaby gave Summer a helpless look as Ryan walked out of the room.
"What the hell is going on?" Summer asked, looking to her. "I thought…"
"He's moody. He'll be okay. He'll be apologizing in no time. I'm going to take him home and try to get him to talk to me," Gaby said.
"Take care of him, Gaby. Please."
She nodded.
Gaby walked with Ryan out of Summer's apartment building and down the street toward Ryan's apartment. He didn't speak, but he didn't try to pull his arm out of her grasp, either. He was just quiet. She didn't push him. Sometimes, he needed quiet.
"Ryan, thank god, where the hell were you?" Seth asked when they walked in.
"Summer's."
"Oh. Everything okay?" Seth asked.
"Fine." Ryan walked past them and into his bedroom. He slammed the door loudly.
"What's going on?" Seth turned to Gaby.
"He had a long night, he's a little on edge. Just give him some space. Where's Luke?"
"At the gym. He'll be back soon," Seth replied.
"I'm going to take advantage of the shower," She sighed. "I'll be in there if he needs me."
"Okay, Gaby. Your things are in Luke's room, like, your clothes and stuff."
She gave him a smile. "Thanks." She disappeared.
Seth sat down on the couch and flipped open one of Luke's hot rod magazines. He was surprised when he saw Ryan walk out and go into the kitchen.
"Hey, man," Seth nodded, dropping the book immediately.
Ryan gave him a nod as he walked by. Seth followed him into the kitchen.
"What are you looking for, man?" Seth asked after Ryan had opened and closed all the cabinets on the left side of the kitchen.
"Cigarettes."
Seth gave him a curious glance and walked past him toward the refrigerator. He opened it and revealed a half-empty carton of cigarettes.
"Oh. Yeah."
"You said it keeps them fresher," Seth said quietly.
"Thanks." Ryan plucked a pack and turned to retreat back towards his room.
"Dude…" Seth followed him back through the living room and into his bedroom. "What's going on?"
"Stop hounding me, man…" Ryan said, spinning around and staring at him.
"I'm not hounding you, I just want to talk to you," Seth said immediately.
"Get out, Seth, I don't want to talk," Ryan snapped, taking Seth by the arm and shoving him toward the door.
"Dude, stop being a punk and just chill out," Seth retorted, turning and slamming the door closed before facing Ryan again. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What the hell is wrong with me?" Ryan snarled. "You're asking me what the hell is wrong with me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I am because you're totally out of your mind right now…" Seth said, yelling now. Ryan lunged for him and Seth ducked, letting Ryan's fist slam into the wall over him.
"Stop it, Ryan…" Seth said as he wrapped his arms around Ryan's waist and tried to tackle him to the floor to get him away from him.
Seth slammed Ryan against the dresser, knocking off a lamp and all the pictures off the top. Seth was just trying to keep Ryan's hands from punching him and he had a tight grip on his wrists.
"Stop it, Ryan…"
Ryan landed a punch to Seth's jaw, knocking him back several feet. Seth shook his head before charging Ryan.
They slammed onto the bed and then both fell to the floor off the other side in a heap. There was a loud crash but Seth didn't process it because he had Ryan at a disadvantage and was holding him down by his neck and shoulders.
"Stop it! Just stop it!" Seth yelled.
Ryan was still struggling and finally shoved Seth off him and scrambled across the floor to the opposite wall. Seth glanced down at his hands and saw that he had blood on him and he froze. He glanced over and realized that the crash had been Ryan's night table breaking. Glass and blood were in the floor beside the shattered table.
"Ryan? Ryan, wait…" Seth turned to face his friend but Ryan had pulled himself to stand up and was leaning against the far wall.
"Man…"
"What are we even fighting about, man? You're hurt…"
"Since when do you care about me?" Ryan snapped, rage still flashing in his eyes. His arms and hands were sliced from the glass from the table.
"Ryan…I don't know why you're so mad at me, I just want to help you…"
"Fuck you…"
"Ryan…" Seth's jaw was throbbing but the words were what brought tears to his eyes. "Ryan, what…"
"Do you hate me?" Ryan whispered, blood oozing from his sliced arms and hands.
"What?" Seth choked on his tears. He didn't know where this was coming from.
"Do you hate me? Is that why you did it?"
"Ryan…"
"I mean...I love you, I'd do anything for you, you're like, supposed to be my family…but…you slept with her…you knew how much that would hurt me but…you did it anyway…you're supposed to be my family…"
"Ryan…" Seth tried again.
"And it hurt, man…I…I'm just a man…I have feelings but you just ignored me…and I don't know what I did to you to make you need to hurt me like that…"
"Ryan, I'm so sorry…" Someone started to pound on the door. "You didn't do anything, Ryan…I made a mistake…" Seth crawled forward a step and Ryan retreated against the wall, holding his arms around his stomach.
"Everything in my life has sucked…my parents, my entire life..." Ryan said, slumping against the wall. "And when I met you, I saw how enthusiastic you were about life…I just wanted to be your friend…but…but I was nothing to you…Marissa took everything from me…she broke me down and took everything I had…I was nothing again, and I had nothing…I have nothing, Seth…Do you know what that's like?"
"No, Ryan, please, forgive me, give me another chance…" Seth pleaded.
Luke fell into the room as he broke the door down. Gaby and Sandy stepped over him. "Ryan…"
"It's not what it looks like, I fell," Ryan said immediately, his eyes wide with panic. "Just stay back…"
"You're bleeding," Gaby said.
"It's nothing…" He had backed into a corner.
"What's going on?" Sandy asked, trying to stay calm as he took in Ryan's bleeding form and the wrecked room. Seth was still crouched beside the remnants of the table.
"We were fighting…he fell on the glass end table, it was an accident," Seth said, pale.
Gaby ignored Ryan's retreat and reached his side. He started to struggle but she held his wrists. "If you hit me, I'll hit back, kid…"
"Gaby, leave me alone…"
"It doesn't work that way, baby…" She said. She lowered her voice. "Let me get you out of here. You and me, and we can be quiet, okay?"
"Quiet…" He repeated.
"Come on, just us…" She helped him to his feet and led him past Seth to the door.
Luke held out his keys and Gaby took them. "I'll call you in twenty minutes."
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"We're still counting, Ryan, keep counting," Gaby urged. She'd called her agent who'd immediately reserved the penthouse at the Hilton for her. By the time she left Luke's car with the valet, a doctor was waiting for them in the lobby.
Now, she was sitting with Ryan stretched across her lap while the doctor cleaned and stitched his arms. He had his eyes closed and they were counting to help him relax.
"Twenty-one. Twenty. Nineteen. Eighteen." He whispered.
Gaby's phone buzzed and she glanced at it. "It's your doctor, Ryan, it's Gloria."
"Can I talk to her?" He asked immediately.
Gaby pressed the phone to his ear and held it there as he kept his arms still for the doctor.
"He's going to be okay. I'll come back in the morning to check on his stitches but, he's lucky. Page me if anything changes," The doctor said.
"Thank you," Gaby nodded as the woman left.
Ryan was speaking urgently into the phone. "I can't sleep, I can't breathe…I had a fight with my brother and the girl that I love is scared of me and…" He seemed to hold his breath.
"Gaby's with me…I hurt myself, not on purpose, but I got cut up and she got me a doctor…" He said. Gaby lifted him to a sitting position and he shivered, leaning against her for support.
"What are you asking me? Have I thought about it?" Gaby smoothed his hair as he clung to her. "Yes…I just want it to stop hurting so much…"
Gaby's tears dropped onto Ryan's shoulder as he continued to talk to the therapist. She was shaking with him when he held up the phone for her.
"Hello?"
"Don't let him out of your sight. I've calmed him down, but he's definitely on the cusp of another breakdown. I'm flying out…"
"I can't ask you to do that…"
"I have to speak at a conference next week in LA and I'm still on sabbatical, Gaby. I'll call you when I get to the airport."
"I'll have a room paid and waiting for you at the Hilton in Newport."
"Thanks. Call me if you need me. Let me talk to him again."
Gaby passed the phone back to Ryan.
"Okay…one thing at a time…I'm better now…" Ryan listened for a few more moments before hanging up.
"All right, kid, I don't know about you, but I need a cigarette. Outside," Gaby said. She was surprised when he took her hand and held it tightly. "What?"
"I don't want to be alone. I don't trust myself," He whispered.
"I'm here."
"I'd like to talk to Sandy."
"How about, we go outside and smoke and I'll call Sandy. The concierge can let him in. And we need to eat, get on our routine again, okay?"
Ryan nodded slowly. "Okay. Sandy can come for lunch. And Summer knows I'm okay…"
"We'll call her from the balcony. You need air." She kept his hand in hers and led him toward the huge balcony. He stopped her.
"Move that table," He motioned. She opened the sliding glass window and went outside and slid the table back. Ryan proceeded to push the couch toward the doors.
"We paid top dollar, good idea," Gaby helped him move the sofa onto the patio. She took his hand and sat down on the couch. He sat beside her and they stretched out. He lit a cigarette and she pulled out her phone to call Sandy.
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The concierge unlocked the door to Gaby's room and Sandy pushed the overloaded room service tray in, tipping the man generously as he locked the door behind him.
"Gaby?"
"We're outside…"
Sandy pushed the cart onto the balcony. "You guys must be hungry."
"We were hoping you were," Gaby smiled. Ryan was silent wrapped in her arms.
"We should all try to eat something," Sandy said.
"Thanks for coming," Ryan said as he sat up.
"Thanks for calling," Sandy replied.
"I'm a little shaky," Ryan whispered.
"That's understandable. But you're asking for help and that's a start," Sandy said, sitting down on Ryan's free side and pulling the cart close. "Let's get coffee," He said, handing Gaby and Ryan cups. "And sugar…"
Ryan gave him a look.
"I know you take it black, but I know you love a good, sweet cup of coffee with tons of cream," Sandy grinned, pouring creamer into Ryan's cup. Ryan smiled and took a pleased sip.
"Wow. I had no idea," Gaby smiled.
"Black's just simple," Ryan said. He lit a cigarette with a shaking hand. "But this is good coffee."
"So, coffee's served. Let's see the food," She stood up and started uncovering the trays.
"What'd you order?" Ryan asked.
"Two of everything on the lunch menu and appetizer list. So there's no excuse for not seeing anything you like," Gaby replied. She sat down with a plate of shrimp.
Ryan turned to Sandy. He hesitated but finally spoke. "I trust you, Sandy. I always have. I'd lost hope years before I met you…but you changed all that. I am so sorry for being a disappointment…" He said.
Sandy took him by the shoulders. "You trust me?"
Ryan nodded.
"Then trust me when I tell you that you are not a disappointment. I am so proud of you…"
"That's not…"
"It is true…you've come so far…you're such a great man and I'm lucky to even know you…Ryan…you've changed my life…"
"Mine, too…" Ryan whispered.
"And I will do anything and everything to help you through this…"
"You don't think I deserve it?" Ryan murmured, looking at him with desperate eyes.
"No, son…no…you did everything you could to help Marissa, to be a good brother to Trey and Seth, you didn't do anything to deserve this…Are you listening?"
Ryan nodded slowly. He raised the cigarette to his lips.
"You don't need my approval, Ryan. I will love you no matter what you do…you're my son."
"Seth's your son…" Ryan whispered.
"And I love him, too, just as unconditionally as I love you. Just like you love him…" Sandy replied, putting his arm around Ryan's shoulders.
"Will you…will you tell him I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" Ryan said, wiping tears.
"He knows."
Ryan looked at him. "I'm better…thank you."
"Here," Gaby said, holding a shrimp in front of his mouth. He bit into it and nodded. She set the plate on his lap. He nibbled on the shrimp obediently.
"I'm a sucker for calamari," Sandy took a plate and held it out so Ryan could sample it.