No Time to Waste
by TheRealXenocide
`
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, settings, or anything else you recognize from the show Lizzie McGuire. The plot, at it's base, has been around since Homer, and this variant since Henry Ford. However, this is the first I've seen it applied to Lizzie.
`
A/N: One advantage of having such a large extended family is that there are plenty of people to ask questions of. Questions like the plausibility of certain things. Of course, being a male in a prominently female family, you sometimes find out things without asking, or wanting, to know. I've borrowed from a couple of these overheard conversation to help with some of the dialogue in this chapter. I don't think I could have written some of this chapter without them. I wouldn't have had the nerve.
A/N: Personal Notes:
keeponwritin: Oh, it would be awkward for all four of them on a double date! The only possible exception, I think, would be Gordo, and he'd probably be uncomfortable because everyone else is. Might make him regret suggesting it (chapter 33, before Kate arrives). Of course, I can think of a more awkward double date (evil grin).
`
Chapter 36
Slippery Slope?
`
After dinner, but just before Miranda was expected, Matt got his father alone in the kitchen. "Dad, have you had the father-suitor talk with Gordo?"
The question took the man by surprise. "Well, no, I haven't. But I don't really think it's necessary." He barely restrained his laughter at the look on Matt's face. "If this had been any other boy, he'd by getting an ear-full. But it's Gordo, the one boy I've known she's loved for years, and the one I trust with her."
"You're not worried?"
"I wouldn't go that far. He's still a teenage boy. But he's always been more practical than his age would suggest. I do plan on talking to him about things, but not in the confrontational way you had to deal with."
A smile cracked his face. "So he's not going to have the same kind of grilling I got?"
"So he can take a page from your book with his answer? I'd rather he told me without hitting me over the head with it."
"I guess I can understand that. Besides, the way mom and Mrs. Sanchez are on the same page about so much of this, you may have another reason to go easy on him." Sam looked at him questioningly. "Miranda said her mom told her dad not to scare me off. Something about 'months on the couch'."
Sam winced. "A fate not to be wished on any man."
"What's that?" Lizzie asked as she hobbled in.
Thinking fast, and like a little brother, Matt chimed "Anything you fry."
"Oh, ha ha." She replied with absolutely no humor.
"Seriously, sis, how is it you have so much trouble with a frying pan, when you can piece together dozens of ingredients perfectly for something that goes in the oven, AND time it to perfection?" He didn't like to admit it, but Lizzie baking a dessert was something he looked forward to.
"I wish I knew." In the moment of silence that followed, her furious frustration was starting to show on her. With their attention on her, neither man heard Jo let somebody in. "I don't understand," Lizzie finally resumed, "why is it so tough for me to do something as basic as make breakfast for the people I care for?"
"Maybe you're trying too hard?" Miranda, who had made it to the kitchen just in time to hear that last question of Lizzie's, suggested.
"Oh, well, do tell what I'm doing wrong?" That came out far more waspish than she had meant, something she realized when she saw Matt close his eyes and start quietly counting from 20.
Miranda chose to ignore Lizzie's tone, and took a rueful tone herself. "Lizzie, I've known you long enough to know how competitive you can get. I guess I didn't realize that, by making breakfast for everyone, I'd trigger that said of you. But there's no need for that. Haven't you ever wondered why I never BAKE you anything?"
Lizzie's face went from scorn to curiosity. "I hadn't noticed, but come to think about it, everything I've ever had by you was done on a stove."
"That because if I'm not right there all the time, like when I'm frying, I get distracted, lose track of time, and burn EVERYTHING."
"You're kidding."
"I wish. So does my mom. I don't know how many baking sheets I've ruined."
"Maybe you girls can help each other?" Jo, who had followed Miranda into the kitchen, suggested.
"If Miranda can keep me from burning things, she can handle anyone." Matt added, having finished his counting.
"And I hope I'll be easier for you to bake with than Kate was back in 7th grade."
Lizzie finally had to laugh at that. "Okay, okay, I get it. I'm sorry, Miranda. I shouldn't have been acting like that. I guess you cooking for my family made me realize what I still have to learn. Forgive?"
"Forgive."
~~~~~~~~
While Matt's nightmare/dream sequence was unchanged, Miranda's nightmare was back, and with a vengeance. It took Matt three tries before she released from it. Jo happened to be looking at her eyes as they opened, and the terror there was all Jo needed. Before either of the couple could suggest it, she ordered Matt to stay with Miranda the rest of the night. Even then, Miranda couldn't settle. So, for the first time in he couldn't remember how many days, Matt sang to her. It helped, but it was still a long time before she could sleep.
~~~~~~~~
When Jo awoke the next morning, the first thing she did was look to see how they were. Miranda seemed to be sleeping soundly. Matt, however, was awake. He hadn't noticed his mother yet, looking at Miranda, apparently lost in thought. "Matt," she whispered, "are you all right?" He turned to her, and the drying tears on his cheeks answered her. "Oh, honey."
"Mom," his voice was still shaken, "what if, what if she can't get all the way better? What if I lose her to the nightmares forever?"
She hated knowing he was hurting like this, but other than doing what they were doing, the only option was to separate them. While that might remove his current pain, it might not, and what else that might do was unthinkable. They had to make it though this. "Matt, don't let one setback cause you to doubt that this will work. Dr. Gordon warned you it could be a long, winding run before you're both healed. Trust him. Trust her. Trust yourself. You are both strong enough for this."
"I hope you're right." He tried to put some strength behind that, but they both knew it was forced.
"Matt, one of this days, I'm going to record someone for you. While he's not a professional at it, he's a real inspirational speaker. When he talks about what he cares for most, nobody listening can be unaffected. He leaves no doubt he means everything he says, and he's been known to give people the strength to do what they need, but are afraid, to do."
Matt sounded as skeptical as he looked. "And who's this miracle worker?"
Jo beamed at him. "Matthew McGuire."
"She's right, you know." They turned to see Miranda was awake, or at least waking. "And I'm not the only one who talks too loud."
"How much did you hear?"
She turned in his grasp to face him, and a worried expression came to her as she saw his face. "Not enough. Why are you crying?"
"Do you really need to ask?" As he said that, he placed his free hand to her temple.
She realized what that meant, and without turning away from his gaze, she asked, "Mrs. McGuire, would you mind if Matt and I talked about this. Alone."
Part of her wanted to say no. But she remembered Dr. Gordon's question when all this began, and realized how important the answer was. "I understand. I trust you." Without another word, she left the room, closing the door behind her. 'He was right, of course. If it comes to that, I'd rather my baby keep his sanity.'
~~
Miranda started as soon as the door closed. "You're worrying about me, aren't you?"
"Always."
"But more so after last night." He tried to avert his eyes, but she wouldn't let him. "Talk to me, Matt, don't keep me out."
He wanted to hide this, wanted to protect her. But he found himself helpless under her gaze. "What if you can't get better? Do you realize it took three tries before you came back to me? That the most I can ever remember you needing." He started to break up, slowly. "What if . . . what if I can't . . ."
He was silenced by her kiss. Forceful, impassioned, frantic kisses. It was a couple of minutes before she released him. "Listen to me, darling. That won't happen. As long as we have each other, we both have too much to come back for. I'll never give up on you. Do you plan on giving up on me?"
"Never." The vehemence of that would have surprised anyone else.
"Then trust me. We can get though this as long as were together."
His hand was back at her temple. "What happened up there? It had to be more than before. Three tries, Miranda, three. Is there something you're not telling me?"
She looked at him gravely. "Please don't ask me that."
"I'm asking. We've both asked each other to share our fears, so we could help each other."
"I'm not the only one holding back. I know what you said before about your nightmare, but there has to be more. When you described the way your nightmare shifted into you fantasy, you said that it happened before you saw our pursuers' faces. The way you said it, I think you've seen them before." His face froze. "You have seen them before, haven't you?"
He knew what she was doing. If she asked for something he wouldn't, or couldn't, tell her, he'd let her keep this to herself. But in that moment, he realized that if he was going to help her, he had to open this to her, so she'd open to him. "Okay, I'll tell you, but this will upset you."
That surprised her a little, but if it got him to open up, she was willing. "If you'll share, so will I."
He took a moment to gather himself, then began. "When my nightmare ran all the way, I did see the faces of the people chasing us. Pretty much everyone in town was after us, but when we were cornered . . ." He needed a deep breath. "It was our families and friends. The leader . . . the leader was your father."
During his tale, his grip had loosened, and now, he started to shake. Miranda gathered him in her embrace. "I'm sorry. I never should have asked this of you."
He accepted the embrace, but not the apology. "No. I need to finish this. They weren't as we know them. Evil. No other word fits. But they were still them. And, to protect you, I had to fight them. You know what that means."
"Yes."
"There's an old phrase. I probably heard it some time on T.V. 'To kill a snake, cut off its head.' In battle, it means that if you can take out the leader, the others may run away. Somewhere in the course of the bloody battle, I had a clear chance at the leader. Your father. I took it. But, too late for me to stop, you got between us. You shielded him from me. And you died. you died."
His shaking had gotten worse, but he managed to not break down. When she felt he was calm enough to listen, she spoke softly. "That was only a dream, love, it could never happen here." He looked up at her. "You know by now that they've accepted this. Even dad. Remember, when you asked him to take me from you, he refused. Three times, he told you no."
"Yes, but . . ."
"No buts. Just listen. He would never do it, but if he made me choose between him and you, I know my choice. You. Always."
"But, but your family . . ."
"Are very important to me, never doubt that. But you are my life. I don't believe they would try it, but if they did, I'd stay with you."
"Us against the world?"
"If it came to that. But it won't. Have faith in them."
In taking him in her arms, their positions had shifted so that now, each was laying on their side. When he felt he could, he spoke. "Have faith in me. What haven't you been telling me?"
"It's not like that. This is something new."
"Tell me."
She took a calming breath, then began. "Do you remember what I told Lizzie about it Monday night?" (A/N: If you forgot, it's in Chapter 21)
"Yeah."
"Now, it's happening to two people I love. My husband," she couldn't see the look on his face when she said that, her eyes lost in the painful memory, "and our son."
She had started shaking, so Matt shifted, making this a shared embrace, both able to draw strength from the other. "I wish I could say it can't happen, but it was just a nightmare." That's when it hit him. "Wait a minute. Have any of your nightmares been about us breaking up, or being separated while alive?"
She had to think for a moment. "No. Through it all, we're together."
"In dream or nightmare, that's the one constant. Even in my nightmare, the last thing you say to me is that you love me."
"Til death us do part?"
"Something like that."
"In another place and time, that would be great. But now . . ."
"I know. But I don't know what else I can say without lying. When we leave this room, I think we need to call . . ."
"No."
"Miranda . . ."
"No, Matt, we can't go running to him for everything. We already have meetings with him tomorrow. If we can't figure out something by then, we'll ask for his help. But we need to start learning to deal with things like this by ourselves. Do you understand?"
"Alright. But only for now. I can't stand the thought of you suffering."
"I know. It's not much fun for me, either. For now, will you just hold me while we try to think of something."
"Of course."
~~~~
When Sam walked into the kitchen, he expected to be the last one there, having slept in this Sunday. So when he saw his wife was alone, he was surprised. "Where are the kids?" He continued to the coffee maker as he asked that.
"I haven't seen Lizzie yet. Matt and Miranda are in the den." Sam looked up at that. "She had another bad nightmare last night, and he's very worried for her. They're talking it out." She had been looking out the window as she spoke. As she turned to him, he saw she had been crying. "I saw her eyes when she finally came out of it . . . I've never seen anyone that scared. I know it rattled Matt, too."
"The way he worries about her, I'd be surprised if it didn't."
"But he's never expressed doubts about her recovery before. This morning, before she woke, he asked me about if she can't get better. He's really scared for her, and I'm not sure how to help him."
"When they come out here, we'll talk to them. Maybe, by talking about it by themselves, they can figure something out."
"That's what I was hoping. They're the one's going through this. I'm sure they'll open up to each other before they will to anyone else."
"They've shown the good sense to ask for help before. I'm sure they will again. We need to trust them to know when to do that." He took a sip of his coffee, then continued. "Speaking of trust, you're giving them a lot of trust, leaving them alone in there." His slight smile let her know he approved.
"You noticed." She gently slapped his arm. "It still bothers me, but you've been right. I need to trust her with him." He gave her a look. "I know he might try to advance things too. But he's still my baby. It's not something I want to think about."
"I know. It's not easy for me, either. But I've accepted that it isn't a matter of IF with them, but WHEN. I'm amazed at the restraint they've shown so far."
"Are you as accepting of your little girl growing up?"
"I'm about as comfortable with that idea as you are for Matt. At least with Lizzie and Gordo, we knew this would happen, so it's a little easier. If this were any other boy, I'd feel different about it, but we're talking about Gordo. We've already trusted him with Lizzie I don't know how many times." Another sip of coffee. "They're all good kids, but of them all, he has the most natural restraint. I don't think I need to lean on him. I expect he's going a good enough job of that himself."
"I think you're right about that. I'm so worried for them," she nodded to the closed den door, "it's comforting to know that about him."
~~
Back in the den, at about the same time Sam was talking about Gordo and Lizzie, Miranda had come to a decision. It meant breaking a promise, but she felt Matt needed this. 'Who am I kidding? We both need this.' "Matt, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell Lizzie?"
"Of course."
"Remember when we had that big meeting in my living room, and you said what you were already ready to ask me to marry you?"
"Yeah. You said it was too soon for that."
"Yes, but ever since you said that, I haven't been able to get the idea out of my mind. I've changed my mind about that. When you decide to ask is up to you. But, whether that's next year, next month, or today, I already know my ans . . ."
He cut her off the best way he knew. He didn't release the kiss until he knew what to say. He had started crying again, but these were tears of joy. "Every time I see you, I've had to fight the urge to drop to one knee then and there. I don't have a ring, and I don't have any means to support you. Call it old fashioned, but, in my mind, I want to wait until then before I ask. You deserve no less."
"You let me decide what I deserve. I don't need all the ducks in a row."
"Please, just listen. Ever since I realized the depth of my feelings for you, I've longed to hear you say what you were about to say. But, please, wait until I ask the question before you give me that answer. If you say it now, I'm afraid our promises, including to each other, will go out the window."
It took a moment for that to register. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"What I'm saying is that if we make THAT commitment, what possible reason would we have to wait, for anything? I don't know about you, but I don't know if I'll have the strength, with everything else we're fighting through."
"But that's just it. I can see how much of a strain all of this is putting on you. You spreading yourself too thin."
Her words sparked a line from his memory. "Thin and stretched, like butter that's been scraped across too much bread."
"Huh?"
"It's from 'The Lord of the Ring'. Alright, I admit it, that's what I'm beginning to feel like. I hadn't realized you knew me well enough to see through me like that. But you're not doing much better." He saw her protest coming. "No lies, remember."
"No lies." She repeated. "Yes, it's a strain on me too. And part of it is watching what this is doing to you."
"As it is for me to watch you. But what would you have us do? Throw out everything we agreed was the right way to handle this in favor of what's easy?"
"And what would you have us do, keep things as they are and just watch each other stretch until we snap?"
"NO." They both stopped to calm down. "Okay, we do need to change something. But not that far. It would risk too much."
"Alright, I see your point. But what . . ." She saw something cross his eyes. He had an idea, but something about it was making him hesitate. "What did you just think of?"
"It's risky too. Not as much, but in the same way. I'm not sure it's a good idea."
"Tell me."
"Do you remember the talk we had in the park, before we found my friends?"
"Yeah."
"We set some very strict rules there. Not to go any farther than we have until we're sleeping normally. I had the idea that, maybe, if we drop the strictness of that, and let things happen naturally, it might help by giving us an emotional outlet. But it's risky. What if we get started, and can't stop?"
She smiled at him. "Don't you ever stop worrying about me. But in this case, I think you're a little too worried. I think it's a good idea." She could read his face. "I'm not saying we should go all the way already. We agreed our first time should be as perfect as we can make it. I still want that for you. But why not allow ourselves the freedom to let the other things happen as we feel like it?"
"If I recall the way they explained it, that's what Lanny and Melina did." He could see the flash of anger on her face. "I'm not saying you're like her. But WE need to make sure not to let ourselves get carried away like they did."
"I know that. And I know what might happen. But I have faith in us. We both want everything to be perfect about our first time, and I can't see us giving that up."
"You really think we can take this step safely, don't you?"
"Yes. I believe you when you say you won't do anything I don't want, and I've given you the same promise. As long as we're open and honest with each other about what we don't feel ready for yet, we should be okay."
"And you think this will help reduce the stress we've been under?"
She paused for a moment to find the words she wanted. "I think, if we allow ourselves this, it will reduce the number of things we have to use our willpower on, so we can focus on what we need most right now." She had her special smile again. "Besides, I think we'll both enjoy it."
He smiled incredulously. "What has gotten into you? Seriously, why are you so interested in this, with me? And it's not just now, you've said more than once that it's tough to restrain yourself at times, and you were the one who started the subject in the park. I'm not THAT good looking, especially next to some of the high-school boys you could have . . ."
She didn't like hearing him talk about himself like that, and interrupted him. "I'll have you know you are very handsome. But when it comes to being intimate with a guy, I realized a while ago that it's not what a guy looks like, but the emotional bound I need. The only reason Brett got as far as he did is because I though I loved him." Brett was the boy she had let in her shirt the summer before. "It was the same with Larry. That's only reason I let him kiss me like that. He's a nice guy, but Larry's no Adonis, especially then. But, as much as I thought I loved them, they're nothing compared to the love I have for you. Not even close."
"So, it doesn't matter that I'm nothing special, because you love me."
"Will you stop that." She sighed in exasperation. "One of these days, I'm going to find a way to convince you how handsome you are. In the mean time, take my word for it."
"On one condition. You've implied before that you don't think you're very beautiful."
"That's not that I don't try, but I'll never be pretty like Lizzie, or Kate, or . . ."
This time he cut her off. "Take my word," his eyes danced with mischief, "and Reggie's eyes for it. You are beautiful in every way possible." She blushed bright at that, making him chuckle. "As must as I would enjoy taking you up on your idea right now, we should get to breakfast before mom comes to get us."
"Good idea. We'll have plenty of time of fun later."
~~~~~~~~
After they each made a quick trip to the bathroom, they walked into the kitchen together. Nobody noticed at first, because Jo and Sam were listening to Lizzie. "I understand all that, but they've been in there an awful long time to be just talking. Shouldn't one of you be checking on them?"
"And I thought you trusted me with him."
Lizzie spun around to find herself under her friend's glare. "Um, um, I do, it's not, it's just . . ."
Her sputtering was cut off by Matt, who burst into a fit of laughter so strong, it caused him to lean on Miranda's shoulder to try to keep himself off the floor. The rest soon followed him in laughter.
"Lizzie," Miranda began once she regained enough control to talk, "have you told them about what Gordo knows yet?" The look on her face was priceless.
"MIRANDA!"
Sam's eyebrows arched slightly. "What does he know?"
Matt decided to bail her out. "It's my fault. He was concerned about Miranda and me, and started asking questions. I decided to tell him about what we decided, including the part about . . . birth control."
Jo winced. "He knows about Lizzie going on it?"
"I didn't know that the whole birth control issue was being kept from him. You never told me that part."
Jo grimaced. "You're right, we forgot to tell you that." She turned to Lizzie. "How did he react?"
"Once the surprise wore off, he said he understood why you wanted it kept from him. But he also said it was a load off his mind to know, and that we should all take about this, like adults."
Sam looked a little surprised, but not as much as the others might have thought. "I think that would be a good idea. I've been meaning to have a talk with him."
"NO!" Lizzie looked horrified. "Please dad, we still don't know what happened to him, I don't know if he can take an inquisition, please don't . . ." She was now speaking almost too fast to be understood.
"LIZZIE!" She stopped, but her fear was clear in her eyes. "I'm sorry, but you need to listen. I'm not going to do it like that. We still need to talk, but I already approve of him. I wouldn't hurt you like that."
"Thanks. Sorry I lost it, but I worry about him."
"We understand." Jo said as she moved to comfort her daughter.
~~~~~~~~
Is Miranda right? Are they strong enough, or are their wills already too worn down to resist temptation? Will the nightmares get worse before they get better. Will they get better? That, and more, still to come.
by TheRealXenocide
`
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, settings, or anything else you recognize from the show Lizzie McGuire. The plot, at it's base, has been around since Homer, and this variant since Henry Ford. However, this is the first I've seen it applied to Lizzie.
`
A/N: One advantage of having such a large extended family is that there are plenty of people to ask questions of. Questions like the plausibility of certain things. Of course, being a male in a prominently female family, you sometimes find out things without asking, or wanting, to know. I've borrowed from a couple of these overheard conversation to help with some of the dialogue in this chapter. I don't think I could have written some of this chapter without them. I wouldn't have had the nerve.
A/N: Personal Notes:
keeponwritin: Oh, it would be awkward for all four of them on a double date! The only possible exception, I think, would be Gordo, and he'd probably be uncomfortable because everyone else is. Might make him regret suggesting it (chapter 33, before Kate arrives). Of course, I can think of a more awkward double date (evil grin).
`
Chapter 36
Slippery Slope?
`
After dinner, but just before Miranda was expected, Matt got his father alone in the kitchen. "Dad, have you had the father-suitor talk with Gordo?"
The question took the man by surprise. "Well, no, I haven't. But I don't really think it's necessary." He barely restrained his laughter at the look on Matt's face. "If this had been any other boy, he'd by getting an ear-full. But it's Gordo, the one boy I've known she's loved for years, and the one I trust with her."
"You're not worried?"
"I wouldn't go that far. He's still a teenage boy. But he's always been more practical than his age would suggest. I do plan on talking to him about things, but not in the confrontational way you had to deal with."
A smile cracked his face. "So he's not going to have the same kind of grilling I got?"
"So he can take a page from your book with his answer? I'd rather he told me without hitting me over the head with it."
"I guess I can understand that. Besides, the way mom and Mrs. Sanchez are on the same page about so much of this, you may have another reason to go easy on him." Sam looked at him questioningly. "Miranda said her mom told her dad not to scare me off. Something about 'months on the couch'."
Sam winced. "A fate not to be wished on any man."
"What's that?" Lizzie asked as she hobbled in.
Thinking fast, and like a little brother, Matt chimed "Anything you fry."
"Oh, ha ha." She replied with absolutely no humor.
"Seriously, sis, how is it you have so much trouble with a frying pan, when you can piece together dozens of ingredients perfectly for something that goes in the oven, AND time it to perfection?" He didn't like to admit it, but Lizzie baking a dessert was something he looked forward to.
"I wish I knew." In the moment of silence that followed, her furious frustration was starting to show on her. With their attention on her, neither man heard Jo let somebody in. "I don't understand," Lizzie finally resumed, "why is it so tough for me to do something as basic as make breakfast for the people I care for?"
"Maybe you're trying too hard?" Miranda, who had made it to the kitchen just in time to hear that last question of Lizzie's, suggested.
"Oh, well, do tell what I'm doing wrong?" That came out far more waspish than she had meant, something she realized when she saw Matt close his eyes and start quietly counting from 20.
Miranda chose to ignore Lizzie's tone, and took a rueful tone herself. "Lizzie, I've known you long enough to know how competitive you can get. I guess I didn't realize that, by making breakfast for everyone, I'd trigger that said of you. But there's no need for that. Haven't you ever wondered why I never BAKE you anything?"
Lizzie's face went from scorn to curiosity. "I hadn't noticed, but come to think about it, everything I've ever had by you was done on a stove."
"That because if I'm not right there all the time, like when I'm frying, I get distracted, lose track of time, and burn EVERYTHING."
"You're kidding."
"I wish. So does my mom. I don't know how many baking sheets I've ruined."
"Maybe you girls can help each other?" Jo, who had followed Miranda into the kitchen, suggested.
"If Miranda can keep me from burning things, she can handle anyone." Matt added, having finished his counting.
"And I hope I'll be easier for you to bake with than Kate was back in 7th grade."
Lizzie finally had to laugh at that. "Okay, okay, I get it. I'm sorry, Miranda. I shouldn't have been acting like that. I guess you cooking for my family made me realize what I still have to learn. Forgive?"
"Forgive."
~~~~~~~~
While Matt's nightmare/dream sequence was unchanged, Miranda's nightmare was back, and with a vengeance. It took Matt three tries before she released from it. Jo happened to be looking at her eyes as they opened, and the terror there was all Jo needed. Before either of the couple could suggest it, she ordered Matt to stay with Miranda the rest of the night. Even then, Miranda couldn't settle. So, for the first time in he couldn't remember how many days, Matt sang to her. It helped, but it was still a long time before she could sleep.
~~~~~~~~
When Jo awoke the next morning, the first thing she did was look to see how they were. Miranda seemed to be sleeping soundly. Matt, however, was awake. He hadn't noticed his mother yet, looking at Miranda, apparently lost in thought. "Matt," she whispered, "are you all right?" He turned to her, and the drying tears on his cheeks answered her. "Oh, honey."
"Mom," his voice was still shaken, "what if, what if she can't get all the way better? What if I lose her to the nightmares forever?"
She hated knowing he was hurting like this, but other than doing what they were doing, the only option was to separate them. While that might remove his current pain, it might not, and what else that might do was unthinkable. They had to make it though this. "Matt, don't let one setback cause you to doubt that this will work. Dr. Gordon warned you it could be a long, winding run before you're both healed. Trust him. Trust her. Trust yourself. You are both strong enough for this."
"I hope you're right." He tried to put some strength behind that, but they both knew it was forced.
"Matt, one of this days, I'm going to record someone for you. While he's not a professional at it, he's a real inspirational speaker. When he talks about what he cares for most, nobody listening can be unaffected. He leaves no doubt he means everything he says, and he's been known to give people the strength to do what they need, but are afraid, to do."
Matt sounded as skeptical as he looked. "And who's this miracle worker?"
Jo beamed at him. "Matthew McGuire."
"She's right, you know." They turned to see Miranda was awake, or at least waking. "And I'm not the only one who talks too loud."
"How much did you hear?"
She turned in his grasp to face him, and a worried expression came to her as she saw his face. "Not enough. Why are you crying?"
"Do you really need to ask?" As he said that, he placed his free hand to her temple.
She realized what that meant, and without turning away from his gaze, she asked, "Mrs. McGuire, would you mind if Matt and I talked about this. Alone."
Part of her wanted to say no. But she remembered Dr. Gordon's question when all this began, and realized how important the answer was. "I understand. I trust you." Without another word, she left the room, closing the door behind her. 'He was right, of course. If it comes to that, I'd rather my baby keep his sanity.'
~~
Miranda started as soon as the door closed. "You're worrying about me, aren't you?"
"Always."
"But more so after last night." He tried to avert his eyes, but she wouldn't let him. "Talk to me, Matt, don't keep me out."
He wanted to hide this, wanted to protect her. But he found himself helpless under her gaze. "What if you can't get better? Do you realize it took three tries before you came back to me? That the most I can ever remember you needing." He started to break up, slowly. "What if . . . what if I can't . . ."
He was silenced by her kiss. Forceful, impassioned, frantic kisses. It was a couple of minutes before she released him. "Listen to me, darling. That won't happen. As long as we have each other, we both have too much to come back for. I'll never give up on you. Do you plan on giving up on me?"
"Never." The vehemence of that would have surprised anyone else.
"Then trust me. We can get though this as long as were together."
His hand was back at her temple. "What happened up there? It had to be more than before. Three tries, Miranda, three. Is there something you're not telling me?"
She looked at him gravely. "Please don't ask me that."
"I'm asking. We've both asked each other to share our fears, so we could help each other."
"I'm not the only one holding back. I know what you said before about your nightmare, but there has to be more. When you described the way your nightmare shifted into you fantasy, you said that it happened before you saw our pursuers' faces. The way you said it, I think you've seen them before." His face froze. "You have seen them before, haven't you?"
He knew what she was doing. If she asked for something he wouldn't, or couldn't, tell her, he'd let her keep this to herself. But in that moment, he realized that if he was going to help her, he had to open this to her, so she'd open to him. "Okay, I'll tell you, but this will upset you."
That surprised her a little, but if it got him to open up, she was willing. "If you'll share, so will I."
He took a moment to gather himself, then began. "When my nightmare ran all the way, I did see the faces of the people chasing us. Pretty much everyone in town was after us, but when we were cornered . . ." He needed a deep breath. "It was our families and friends. The leader . . . the leader was your father."
During his tale, his grip had loosened, and now, he started to shake. Miranda gathered him in her embrace. "I'm sorry. I never should have asked this of you."
He accepted the embrace, but not the apology. "No. I need to finish this. They weren't as we know them. Evil. No other word fits. But they were still them. And, to protect you, I had to fight them. You know what that means."
"Yes."
"There's an old phrase. I probably heard it some time on T.V. 'To kill a snake, cut off its head.' In battle, it means that if you can take out the leader, the others may run away. Somewhere in the course of the bloody battle, I had a clear chance at the leader. Your father. I took it. But, too late for me to stop, you got between us. You shielded him from me. And you died. you died."
His shaking had gotten worse, but he managed to not break down. When she felt he was calm enough to listen, she spoke softly. "That was only a dream, love, it could never happen here." He looked up at her. "You know by now that they've accepted this. Even dad. Remember, when you asked him to take me from you, he refused. Three times, he told you no."
"Yes, but . . ."
"No buts. Just listen. He would never do it, but if he made me choose between him and you, I know my choice. You. Always."
"But, but your family . . ."
"Are very important to me, never doubt that. But you are my life. I don't believe they would try it, but if they did, I'd stay with you."
"Us against the world?"
"If it came to that. But it won't. Have faith in them."
In taking him in her arms, their positions had shifted so that now, each was laying on their side. When he felt he could, he spoke. "Have faith in me. What haven't you been telling me?"
"It's not like that. This is something new."
"Tell me."
She took a calming breath, then began. "Do you remember what I told Lizzie about it Monday night?" (A/N: If you forgot, it's in Chapter 21)
"Yeah."
"Now, it's happening to two people I love. My husband," she couldn't see the look on his face when she said that, her eyes lost in the painful memory, "and our son."
She had started shaking, so Matt shifted, making this a shared embrace, both able to draw strength from the other. "I wish I could say it can't happen, but it was just a nightmare." That's when it hit him. "Wait a minute. Have any of your nightmares been about us breaking up, or being separated while alive?"
She had to think for a moment. "No. Through it all, we're together."
"In dream or nightmare, that's the one constant. Even in my nightmare, the last thing you say to me is that you love me."
"Til death us do part?"
"Something like that."
"In another place and time, that would be great. But now . . ."
"I know. But I don't know what else I can say without lying. When we leave this room, I think we need to call . . ."
"No."
"Miranda . . ."
"No, Matt, we can't go running to him for everything. We already have meetings with him tomorrow. If we can't figure out something by then, we'll ask for his help. But we need to start learning to deal with things like this by ourselves. Do you understand?"
"Alright. But only for now. I can't stand the thought of you suffering."
"I know. It's not much fun for me, either. For now, will you just hold me while we try to think of something."
"Of course."
~~~~
When Sam walked into the kitchen, he expected to be the last one there, having slept in this Sunday. So when he saw his wife was alone, he was surprised. "Where are the kids?" He continued to the coffee maker as he asked that.
"I haven't seen Lizzie yet. Matt and Miranda are in the den." Sam looked up at that. "She had another bad nightmare last night, and he's very worried for her. They're talking it out." She had been looking out the window as she spoke. As she turned to him, he saw she had been crying. "I saw her eyes when she finally came out of it . . . I've never seen anyone that scared. I know it rattled Matt, too."
"The way he worries about her, I'd be surprised if it didn't."
"But he's never expressed doubts about her recovery before. This morning, before she woke, he asked me about if she can't get better. He's really scared for her, and I'm not sure how to help him."
"When they come out here, we'll talk to them. Maybe, by talking about it by themselves, they can figure something out."
"That's what I was hoping. They're the one's going through this. I'm sure they'll open up to each other before they will to anyone else."
"They've shown the good sense to ask for help before. I'm sure they will again. We need to trust them to know when to do that." He took a sip of his coffee, then continued. "Speaking of trust, you're giving them a lot of trust, leaving them alone in there." His slight smile let her know he approved.
"You noticed." She gently slapped his arm. "It still bothers me, but you've been right. I need to trust her with him." He gave her a look. "I know he might try to advance things too. But he's still my baby. It's not something I want to think about."
"I know. It's not easy for me, either. But I've accepted that it isn't a matter of IF with them, but WHEN. I'm amazed at the restraint they've shown so far."
"Are you as accepting of your little girl growing up?"
"I'm about as comfortable with that idea as you are for Matt. At least with Lizzie and Gordo, we knew this would happen, so it's a little easier. If this were any other boy, I'd feel different about it, but we're talking about Gordo. We've already trusted him with Lizzie I don't know how many times." Another sip of coffee. "They're all good kids, but of them all, he has the most natural restraint. I don't think I need to lean on him. I expect he's going a good enough job of that himself."
"I think you're right about that. I'm so worried for them," she nodded to the closed den door, "it's comforting to know that about him."
~~
Back in the den, at about the same time Sam was talking about Gordo and Lizzie, Miranda had come to a decision. It meant breaking a promise, but she felt Matt needed this. 'Who am I kidding? We both need this.' "Matt, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell Lizzie?"
"Of course."
"Remember when we had that big meeting in my living room, and you said what you were already ready to ask me to marry you?"
"Yeah. You said it was too soon for that."
"Yes, but ever since you said that, I haven't been able to get the idea out of my mind. I've changed my mind about that. When you decide to ask is up to you. But, whether that's next year, next month, or today, I already know my ans . . ."
He cut her off the best way he knew. He didn't release the kiss until he knew what to say. He had started crying again, but these were tears of joy. "Every time I see you, I've had to fight the urge to drop to one knee then and there. I don't have a ring, and I don't have any means to support you. Call it old fashioned, but, in my mind, I want to wait until then before I ask. You deserve no less."
"You let me decide what I deserve. I don't need all the ducks in a row."
"Please, just listen. Ever since I realized the depth of my feelings for you, I've longed to hear you say what you were about to say. But, please, wait until I ask the question before you give me that answer. If you say it now, I'm afraid our promises, including to each other, will go out the window."
It took a moment for that to register. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"What I'm saying is that if we make THAT commitment, what possible reason would we have to wait, for anything? I don't know about you, but I don't know if I'll have the strength, with everything else we're fighting through."
"But that's just it. I can see how much of a strain all of this is putting on you. You spreading yourself too thin."
Her words sparked a line from his memory. "Thin and stretched, like butter that's been scraped across too much bread."
"Huh?"
"It's from 'The Lord of the Ring'. Alright, I admit it, that's what I'm beginning to feel like. I hadn't realized you knew me well enough to see through me like that. But you're not doing much better." He saw her protest coming. "No lies, remember."
"No lies." She repeated. "Yes, it's a strain on me too. And part of it is watching what this is doing to you."
"As it is for me to watch you. But what would you have us do? Throw out everything we agreed was the right way to handle this in favor of what's easy?"
"And what would you have us do, keep things as they are and just watch each other stretch until we snap?"
"NO." They both stopped to calm down. "Okay, we do need to change something. But not that far. It would risk too much."
"Alright, I see your point. But what . . ." She saw something cross his eyes. He had an idea, but something about it was making him hesitate. "What did you just think of?"
"It's risky too. Not as much, but in the same way. I'm not sure it's a good idea."
"Tell me."
"Do you remember the talk we had in the park, before we found my friends?"
"Yeah."
"We set some very strict rules there. Not to go any farther than we have until we're sleeping normally. I had the idea that, maybe, if we drop the strictness of that, and let things happen naturally, it might help by giving us an emotional outlet. But it's risky. What if we get started, and can't stop?"
She smiled at him. "Don't you ever stop worrying about me. But in this case, I think you're a little too worried. I think it's a good idea." She could read his face. "I'm not saying we should go all the way already. We agreed our first time should be as perfect as we can make it. I still want that for you. But why not allow ourselves the freedom to let the other things happen as we feel like it?"
"If I recall the way they explained it, that's what Lanny and Melina did." He could see the flash of anger on her face. "I'm not saying you're like her. But WE need to make sure not to let ourselves get carried away like they did."
"I know that. And I know what might happen. But I have faith in us. We both want everything to be perfect about our first time, and I can't see us giving that up."
"You really think we can take this step safely, don't you?"
"Yes. I believe you when you say you won't do anything I don't want, and I've given you the same promise. As long as we're open and honest with each other about what we don't feel ready for yet, we should be okay."
"And you think this will help reduce the stress we've been under?"
She paused for a moment to find the words she wanted. "I think, if we allow ourselves this, it will reduce the number of things we have to use our willpower on, so we can focus on what we need most right now." She had her special smile again. "Besides, I think we'll both enjoy it."
He smiled incredulously. "What has gotten into you? Seriously, why are you so interested in this, with me? And it's not just now, you've said more than once that it's tough to restrain yourself at times, and you were the one who started the subject in the park. I'm not THAT good looking, especially next to some of the high-school boys you could have . . ."
She didn't like hearing him talk about himself like that, and interrupted him. "I'll have you know you are very handsome. But when it comes to being intimate with a guy, I realized a while ago that it's not what a guy looks like, but the emotional bound I need. The only reason Brett got as far as he did is because I though I loved him." Brett was the boy she had let in her shirt the summer before. "It was the same with Larry. That's only reason I let him kiss me like that. He's a nice guy, but Larry's no Adonis, especially then. But, as much as I thought I loved them, they're nothing compared to the love I have for you. Not even close."
"So, it doesn't matter that I'm nothing special, because you love me."
"Will you stop that." She sighed in exasperation. "One of these days, I'm going to find a way to convince you how handsome you are. In the mean time, take my word for it."
"On one condition. You've implied before that you don't think you're very beautiful."
"That's not that I don't try, but I'll never be pretty like Lizzie, or Kate, or . . ."
This time he cut her off. "Take my word," his eyes danced with mischief, "and Reggie's eyes for it. You are beautiful in every way possible." She blushed bright at that, making him chuckle. "As must as I would enjoy taking you up on your idea right now, we should get to breakfast before mom comes to get us."
"Good idea. We'll have plenty of time of fun later."
~~~~~~~~
After they each made a quick trip to the bathroom, they walked into the kitchen together. Nobody noticed at first, because Jo and Sam were listening to Lizzie. "I understand all that, but they've been in there an awful long time to be just talking. Shouldn't one of you be checking on them?"
"And I thought you trusted me with him."
Lizzie spun around to find herself under her friend's glare. "Um, um, I do, it's not, it's just . . ."
Her sputtering was cut off by Matt, who burst into a fit of laughter so strong, it caused him to lean on Miranda's shoulder to try to keep himself off the floor. The rest soon followed him in laughter.
"Lizzie," Miranda began once she regained enough control to talk, "have you told them about what Gordo knows yet?" The look on her face was priceless.
"MIRANDA!"
Sam's eyebrows arched slightly. "What does he know?"
Matt decided to bail her out. "It's my fault. He was concerned about Miranda and me, and started asking questions. I decided to tell him about what we decided, including the part about . . . birth control."
Jo winced. "He knows about Lizzie going on it?"
"I didn't know that the whole birth control issue was being kept from him. You never told me that part."
Jo grimaced. "You're right, we forgot to tell you that." She turned to Lizzie. "How did he react?"
"Once the surprise wore off, he said he understood why you wanted it kept from him. But he also said it was a load off his mind to know, and that we should all take about this, like adults."
Sam looked a little surprised, but not as much as the others might have thought. "I think that would be a good idea. I've been meaning to have a talk with him."
"NO!" Lizzie looked horrified. "Please dad, we still don't know what happened to him, I don't know if he can take an inquisition, please don't . . ." She was now speaking almost too fast to be understood.
"LIZZIE!" She stopped, but her fear was clear in her eyes. "I'm sorry, but you need to listen. I'm not going to do it like that. We still need to talk, but I already approve of him. I wouldn't hurt you like that."
"Thanks. Sorry I lost it, but I worry about him."
"We understand." Jo said as she moved to comfort her daughter.
~~~~~~~~
Is Miranda right? Are they strong enough, or are their wills already too worn down to resist temptation? Will the nightmares get worse before they get better. Will they get better? That, and more, still to come.