Authors's notes: Italic's denotes memories; language and violence
"Jacob, talk to me...please," Allison said gently resting her hand on his shoulder while she sat beside him on the edge of the bed.
He didn't reply. Seeing that his hands were trembling slightly, he was afraid his voice would do the same if he spoke to her.
"Jacob, please," she pleaded turning his face towards her. "I'm worried about you. Your nightmares are getting worse."
Jacob stared intently into her lovely blue eyes for a long moment. In them he could see that she was deeply worried. Her brow even had that little wrinkle she got when she something was troubling her. He sighed and gently caressed her wavy blonde hair noticing it had gotten longer while he was away. Yet despite her worried looks she appeared more beautiful to him than ever before.
"You don't need to hear about such things," he whispered running his fingers through her soft hair.
"Jacob, I'm not some dainty flower," she said. "I married you...didn't I?"
"And you've managed put up with me these past seven years," he chuckled softly.
"I wouldn't trade them for anything," she smiled touching his face.
But still, he couldn't tell her. True she was his wife and he loved her deeply. But she worried enough about him when he was on a mission. He didn't want to give her any ideas about what it was he actually did. Jacob reasoned that if she knew more, she would worry even more.
"Jacob I already know about what happened."
"What?" he asked surprised.
"Will Garrett contacted me. He basically told me that your unit was ambushed. You and Mike were captured and tortured. Mike was killed and somehow you escaped from a POW camp."
"He shouldn't have told you anything. It's all classified."
"Jacob, he's worried about you."
"He worries about all of the men under his command."
"I know, he told me that too. He had a lot to tell me about you."
"Colonel Garrett likes to talk too."
"Yeah, I noticed. I was amazed to hear so much vitality in his voice. He didn't sound like an officer in the military."
"The man loves the military and enjoys life to the fullest...he's always the optimist."
Allison sighed, "He wasn't very optimistic about your condition."
Jacob didn't like where the conversation was going. Only he knew Allison well, she wasn't going to let it go this time.
"Jacob...honey...I know how stubborn you are and how you sometimes let your pride get in the way. But I'm your wife. I'm the mother of your children. I love you deeply. And I'm more afraid for you now then when you were over there."
He was surprised by her words and even more surprised at see tears in her eyes. Allison was not one to shed tears so easily.
"I've never heard you cry out like that in your dreams before," she continued. "Something is troubling you. And it will keep troubling you unless you tell someone about it. You can't keep it inside."
"Allison..."
"I'm not done," she said in her firm but gentle way.
He waited a moment while she composed herself.
"Did you know Sam was crying this morning?"
"No."
"She's afraid for you. She's only three but she is very perceptive when it comes to her daddy. She told me about the other night when she found you in the living room. She's worried too. Why else do you think she's been sneaking into bed with us every night these week. Even your son knows something's wrong."
Allison took hold of his hand and squeezed it tightly.
"Jacob, I can handle a lot more than you realize. I'm the wife of an Airforce Major. Hell my father was a Colonel in the Marines! You were so lucky he wasn't around when we met. He never would have let his only daughter marry some Airforce flyboy!"
Jacob chuckled suddenly feeling more relaxed. Allison's wonderful sense of humor with perfect timing always had a calming effect on him.
"Tell me about Mike. Did he have a family?" she asked wrapping her arm around his waist.
"A wife, Debbie," Jacob answered feeling his throat tighten and eyes burn. "A daughter, Rebecca. She's only a year old. Hell, Mike was just a kid himself. He was only twenty. Debbie was his high school sweetheart."
"You were good friends?"
"The best," he sighed. "Mike had only been with us a couple of weeks. But he integrated well into my unit. We were a close unit, all six of us, but Mike and I were the only ones with kids. He loved talking about his little girl just as much as I loved talking about Mark and Sam. He kept asking me questions about them wanting to learn as much as he could. Anything to be a better dad. As a result we became close friends."
He paused holding her hand closer to his chest. When he continued he was almost whispering.
"The ambush happened so fast. When a Vietcong jumped out right in front of me...I just reacted, I didn't even think about what I was doing. And by the time the shooting died down everyone was dead, except Mike and me. But Mike's leg was shot up pretty bad. And I didn't even have a scratch! Not one scratch! While I was working on stopping the bleeding from his leg, Mike kept insisting that I leave him behind and save myself. I told him he was being ridiculous and that I would never do such a thing."
"It's not in your nature to leave anyone behind," she smiled gently massaging his back.
"No, it's not," he sighed. "We managed to avoid the patrols for a few hours before we were found."
An uncontrollable tremor ran through his body and he squeezed his eyes shut as if he was trying to block out a memory. Allison's held him closer as if she were trying to protect him.
"Shh...take your time," she said in a soothing voice.
"I felt so helpless when the tortured Mike in front of me...but I couldn't let them know that. When Mike passed out I was so relieved. It meant they would leave him alone."
"But..."
"Allison, I could handle the beatings and the torture," he said as his voice grew more agitated. "But what happened to Mike after...was worse! The way he was killed...I was supposed to protect him...he was my responsibility! They were all my responsibility."
"Jacob, you can't protect everyone."
"I should have been able to do something!" he yelled.
Jacob sighed and hung his head. He didn't mean to yell at her. He wasn't angry with her. It was a rare occasion when he was angry with her.
When he felt her fingers comb through his thick hair he turned to see she wasn't hurt by his harshness. She didn't say anything but merely smiled and pulled him closer.
"Tell me," she whispered soothingly.
Jacob had locked the door immediately after Sam left, just in case she changed her mind and wanted to have that talk sooner rather than later. But he had seen the determination in his daughter's eyes; not even a locked door was going to stop her.
That look reminded him so much of Allison. Allison had the same look in her eyes that night she coerced him into revealing what was really troubling him. And of course, after he told her everything the nightmares stopped and he had felt as if a great weight had been lifted of his chest.
Even though Jacob had unburdened himself to Allison, he couldn't entirely forgive himself for Mike's death. It was just too personal for Jacob to completely let go. And Sam was right. Even to this day he still hasn't forgiven himself for Allison's death. Her death was even more personal.
It just wasn't in his nature to forgive himself so easily when it came to the people he deeply loved. Probably had something to due with his damn stubbornness. Either way, it was a part of what made him the man he was. At least he was strong enough that he learned to live with it and tried his best to avoid such tragedies.
"Dad, your soup's ready!" Sam shouted as she knocked on the door snapping him out of his daze.
"Ok, thanks Sam," he shouted back over the sound of the water.
It had been pouring rain all day. Yet it provided no relief during the heat and only caused the humidity level to rise even further. Plus it had been coming down so hard it made difficult for Jacob to eavesdrop on what the enemy soldiers were doing.
Making it equally as difficult was the fact the he couldn't see much from the water cage he and Mike were in. Only because Mike was barely conscious and it took most of Jacob's attention and strength to keep his friend's head above the water.
Jacob knew Mike wouldn't make it much longer. They had been in the camp for nearly a week. And being the only American soldiers held captive it made for long sessions of being beaten and tortured.
Due to the amount of blood loss from Mike's leg injury he didn't last long during the first day. And had been in and out of consciousness ever since. Which was fine with Jacob. He knew Mike didn't have the mental toughness to endure torture, he was just a kid.
But Jacob was getting physically weaker each day from the beatings making the need for escape even greater. He needed to make sure he had enough strength to carry Mike. This meant his plan for their escape had to be carried out soon.
"Jake..."
"Shh, don't talk so loud," Jacob whispered keeping a look out.
"Why didn't you leave me?" Mike asked in a hushed voice. "You could have gotten away if you left me."
"Mike, you know me. I couldn't do that. Like I said before...what would my family think if I abandoned you? How could my kids ever look up to their father?"
Jacob moved so he could see Mike's face before he continued.
"Listen, I figured a way for us to get the hell out of here," Jacob whispered.
"Jake...I don't even think I can walk," Mike said unable to hide his anxiety.
"Don't worry about it," Jacob smiled seeing the young man's eyes instantly well up with tears. "I would never think of leaving you behind."
Mike sighed as his tears fell, "Jake...if...if I don't make it, promise me you will tell Debbie and Rebecca that I loved them very much."
"You're going to tell them yourself," Jacob said hugging Mike tight.
"Jake...I don't have your strength!"
"Fuck that! I'm no more stronger than you are!"
Mike shook his head and smiled, "I'm not talking physical strength."
Jacob chuckled softly and grinned.
"You want to know where I really get my strength from? My wife...my son and my daughter. They're always in my mind when I'm not concentrating on a mission. Always. I promised Allison I would come home and I intend on keeping that promise. The idea of my kids growing up without their father terrifies me more than this fucking war. I was young when I lost my father...I don't want my kids to have to go through that."
"Still...promise me, if I don't make it you will tell my wife and daughter," Mike said with full conviction.
"Mike..."
"Promise me!" Mike gritted through his teeth grabbing Jacob by his shirt.
"Ok Mike...I promise."
"You're a good man Jacob. I'm lucky to have you as a friend."
"Same...here," Jacob whispered as he watched two soldiers starting towards him and Mike. "Shh...they're coming."
While Jacob didn't understand what the two soldiers were saying, he didn't like the tone of their conversation as they drew closer. Jacob watched the two men intently as he helped Mike with keeping his head above the water. They seemed to be arguing about something. It obviously had something to do with either him or Mike.
They're intentions may not have been clear. However, when a third soldier quickly came over his intention was immediately clear. In one fluid motion he quickly pulled out his revolver and fired.
It had happened so fast that Jacob didn't even have time to react to the initial site of the gun. He was merely stunned until he felt Mike's body go limp in his arms.
Jacob felt the muscles in his jaw and neck tighten with the rage that was building up inside of him as he looked into his friend's lifeless eyes. His eyes were burning like hell but he refused to allow his tears to fall. He wasn't going to give the fuckers the satisfaction.
Instead he slowly turned and glared at the shooter. The man smiled and said something to Jacob, which only proceeded to anger Jacob even more. And when the gun was pointed directly at him, he felt that anger was about to explode.
Normally Jacob was a reserved man, always keeping his emotions in check. He was trained to. It wasn't wise to loose one's head, or have an intense emotional outburst, especially during a combat situation. At the moment, Jacob didn't really give a shit.
"Go ahead! Shoot!" Jacob growled grabbing the top of his cage. "DO IT!"
He didn't really want to die. He was actually scared to die. And dying was unacceptable in his book, not with a family to support.
"DO IT!" he yelled rattling the door on his cage. "SHOOT YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!"
All three soldiers merely laughed as Jacob continued to push and pull violently on his cage door. The suddenly the latch broke. In an instant Jacob was out before the soldiers could react. While the original two were reaching for their guns, Jacob already had a hold of the gun the third soldier held before him, while it was still in the soldier's hand. The man had been so surprised by Jacob's escape that when he finally reacted it was too late. Jacob had already fired two shots and proceeded to rip the gun away. With the same emotionless face, Jacob pulled the trigger without hesitation.
After grabbing what weapons he needed off the dead men, he reached for Mike and yanked the young man's dog tags off.
"I'll keep my promise, Mike...I promise."
With a heavy sigh Jacob wiped the steam from the mirror to reveal his reflection. He could see he had a new set of injuries on his face to go with his burnt forehead. Along with the gash on his eyebrow, he had a newly formed bruise on his cheek, a small cut on the bridge of his nose, and a split lip. But his physical wounds were the least of his worries.
It was his emotional scars that were giving him problems recently. His experience on Netu reopened those scars and really forced him to search deep within himself for answers. He even sensed Selmak gently rooting around in his memories when she was awake; he knew she would do anything to help him if she could, and vice versa.
And when Sam mentioned her mother's death it really got Jacob thinking. He remembered the conversation with Allison about the death of his friend. He remembered what happen with him and his kids after Allison died. In remembering, and thus revealing everything to Selmak, he had hoped that she might be of some help to possibly explain why he could never forgive himself. Why he couldn't let go of the blame he felt for Mike's death, for Allison's death, for his failings as a father, and finally his failure has Selmak's host.
Only Selmak didn't give him the answers he was seeking. But she was paying close attention to him and offered him a clue from his own past. It was a feeling he had during his conversation with Allison. Jacob recognized it, how could he not. During that conversation, Jacob didn't tell Allison everything. He was holding back. True the nightmares went away and he felt better. But there was that part of him that couldn't let go. The part of him Allison never knew about. A part of him no one knew about, at least no one until now.
Jacob suddenly came to the understanding he was seeking and wept. He immediately felt the loving warmth from Selmak as she comforted him.
'Jacob, you are a better man than your father was,' Selmak said soothingly to him. 'Most fathers would have been proud to have a son of your quality. He failed you. He tried to force you into being someone that you were not. You were never going to be like him.'
'But he was my father!'
'Yes Jacob. And you loved him, and you were afraid of him.'
'But...'
'There is no shame in loving your father. And I am truly sorry, but calling one's own son a 'scrawny little whelp' on several occasions is a form a verbal abuse.'
'He did put me down all the time.'
'And yet you never gave up trying to win his approval...that damn stubbornness of yours. Actually in this case, that stubbornness is probably what saved you. True you have some issues but you have a resilient persona.'
Looking in the mirror, Jacob wiped his tears away and felt a wavy of affection from Selmak. The pure appreciation she felt for him was overwhelming.
'You're a good man, Jacob Carter. I'm grateful to have you as my host. You did not fail to protect me. We were in it together. Now you have a choice.'
'I need to tell Sam...everything. I made the mistake by not telling Allison, I can't do that again.'
Again he felt Selmak's warm affections flow through him. He quickly returned the favor letting her feel how much he appreciated her as well.