Author's notes: some language

They were alone again, no more distractions, no more procrastinating, no more excuses. He was ready. And though Jacob was watching the flames flickering, he could feel the weight of Sam's stare. She was ready too, patiently sitting beside him on the couch.

Jacob looked into his empty glass for a moment as he gathered his thoughts. The twelve years old scotch was good and warmed him up but he had enough. Maybe a little too much. Selmak hadn't prevented the alcohol from effecting him and he was afraid he might fall on his face if he leaned forward to set the glass down on the coffee table in front of him. But he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't think clearly, his mind was still as sharp as ever. While he was resolved to having this talk, he still needed the alcohol to help him relax.

Turning he saw Sam was still waiting patiently for him to begin. She didn't smile. She didn't appear angry but just content to be silent. There was no going back now.

"Ever since my blending with Selmak, I...well lets just say he's made me face many of my personal demons. He got me to reconcile with Mark. My relationship with you has improved dramatically. I mean we can have a conversation that lasts longer than five minutes without getting into an argument!"

"Of which I need to thank Selmak for!" Sam smiled.

"Don't worry, I've thank him enough times for the both of us on that one. I have so much to be grateful to Selmak for."

Jacob smiled and took hold of Sam's hand.

"Especially this...I would never be talking with you like this if it hadn't been for Selmak. I would never have been willing to open up to you, about things that I've never discussed with your mother, like I'm ready to do now. What I want to talk about will help explain why I'm having these nightmares."

"Even the nightmares you had after Vietnam?"

"I'm curious, just how much do you know about that?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"General Garrett told me what was in the reports, along with his opinions. Some of it I figured out for myself. Plus, I remember when you came home, you were hurt physically and mentally. I remember you having nightmares."

"How could you? You were only three!"

Sam shrugged her shoulders and replied, "My dad was hurt. I never saw you hurt before. That kind of leaves an impression on a three years old."

"Well, you were always smart for your age...too smart."

"And you were always overly protective of your family and friends. Even before you would leave on a mission you made sure mom knew what to do in case of an emergency. You even made Mark remember the phone numbers for the fire and police departments. When I was in high school you made sure I knew how to defend myself. Of course, at the time, I though it was ridiculous. Only later did I learn to appreciate what you did. But dad...you can't protect everyone."

Jacob sighed, "Sam, I have to try. It's a part of who I am."

"Dad..."

"Sam, let me explain why," he said holding up his hand. "Now, just bare with me, everything I have to say has a reason behind it. It's very important and it is something I need to talk with you about. It is also something I'm afraid to talk with you about."

Jacob quickly set the glass down and took a deep breath then let it out slowly.

"Your mother's death hit me hard, harder than you know," he spoke softly, his eyes instantly filled with tears. "I had blamed myself for Allison's death. In my mind, I could have tried a little harder to get away from work but I didn't because I knew she would take a taxi if I was late. It wouldn't have been the first time she had done so."

"Which is why...I...which is why...why I wasn't expecting you or your brother to react the way you did. Because of my own grief, I didn't know how to respond to Mark's anger. I didn't know how to respond to your silence. When I tried to reach out to your brother lashed out at me. As a result, when I tried with you I tried not to reach too far, afraid that too much would push you farther away. And the last thing I wanted to do was push you both even further away."

"The only problem was that over time we grew accustomed to the distance between us," he said wiping Sam's tears away. "But it wasn't your fault Sam, or your brother's. It was my fault. I'm to blame. I'm your father. It was my responsibility to bridge the gap long ago and I really fucked up by not doing so. At the time I was so wrapped up in my own grief...I couldn't handle yours and Marks as well."

"Looking back, I know that was where my mistake was. I didn't realize I should have just grabbed Mark and held him as tight as I could when he cursed at me and tried to hit me. I didn't realize how the power of a simple hug could go a long way. Why else do you think I've never entirely forgiven myself for your mother's death...I failed, not only as a husband, but as a father."

"Dad, you're not a failure," Sam wept.

"Sam...shh, it's ok," Jacob sighed pushing her hair back. "I know when I've made a mistake. I've made quite a few during my lifetime. I've held myself accountable for things that I didn't even have control over. The only difference now, is that I know how to let go...how to finally forgive myself for something like your mother's accident or for Mike's death...for my failure to protect my symbiote. Before I used to think it was stubbornness or my pride keeping me from letting go...but I was wrong."

"It's difficult to try and live up to your own father's expectations. Only, I didn't realize until today that I have spent my entire life trying to make my father proud of me."

"My father was more stubborn than me. He was less forgiving too. He was a fierce man and big, six foot six and built like a heavyweight boxer. He used his size to intimidate people smaller than him. And his son was no different than one of those people."

"I was this skinny kid terrified of my own father yet desperate for his approval because he wanted me to be just like him. But I already had three strikes against me. First of all, I looked nothing like my father, most of my physical features I got from my mother. Second, I was scrawny and would never have his build nor be as physically strong; physical strength was important to him. Third, I was smarter than him."

"Smarter?" Sam asked

"I know, it doesn't make any sense. Maybe he was made fun of when he was a boy...I don't know. But the better my grades the more angry he got with me. My mother was the one who would always be the one comforting me through my tears, telling me how proud she was of my efforts."

"In fact there was only one time my father said he was proud of me. I got into a fight at school with a bully and won. I head butted the kid knocking him out and giving myself a good scar on my forehead. But it seemed like everything else I did wasn't good enough for him. It's like I wasn't even good enough to be his son."

"Then the day before he left to go fight in Korea, he took me aside and we had a long talk. Well, it was about five minutes but that was long for him. My father asked me to take care of my mother while he was away. He asked me. He told me that I would be the man of the house. That it was my responsibility to take care of her. He said 'You better make me proud boy and don't let me down.' I was thinking that I finally got my chance, that I could finally prove to him I was worthy, that I could finally make him proud of me."

Jacob slumped back into his seat, looking back at the fire.

"Only that didn't happen. I never saw him again after that day. Son of a bitch was killed in action. He never even told me he loved me."

"How old were you?" Sam gently asked.

"Eight."

"So young," she gasped.

Sam watched as her father excused himself to go make a call to nature. He looked tired as he walked out but not drunk, despite the fact he drank two thirds of a bottle of scotch. Still, she decided it was best to put the scotch away in the liquor cabinet.

While waiting for him, she thought back to when her mother had died. Her father was entirely to blame for what happened after. She and Mark didn't make things easy for their father. Either one of them could have reached out to him. It was that damn Carter stubbornness, starting with her grandfather that she knew nothing about until today, always causing problems. And now Sam was determined for it to never interfere again.

At least now she understands where her father got his almost obsessive need to protect the one's he cares about. Sam didn't care if it was like that back in those days, eight years old was too young to be burdened with that kind of responsibility. It left her to wonder how much of his father he tried to emulate growing up.

"Sam, do you want some water or soda?" he asked breaking her train of thought.

"What? Oh...no thanks I'm fine," she smiled.

"You didn't have to worry you know."

"About what?" she asked when he stepped into the kitchen.

After a moment he came out with a bottle of water and sat back down beside her with a grin on his face.

"I wasn't planning on drinking any more of the scotch."

Sam laughed, making him laugh too. And looking at him, she realized that he was different. But he wasn't the new Jacob Carter, complete with Tok'ra symbiote, she thought she knew. He was the old Jacob Carter, before Allison died. He was his old self, improved thanks to an added bonus feature called Selmak.

Allison's death did have a profound effect on the family. It started a chain of events that changed Jacob. Before the accident he did show his affections, he would tell his children that he loved them whenever he was able to tuck them into bed at night. The military had trained him to keep his emotions in check; and he did that everywhere except within the privacy of their home. He was still reserved but nothing like he was after the accident. Then to think he was a failure made Sam realize it only caused him to withdraw even further.

"What's wrong?" he asked wiping a tear from her cheek.

"You're nothing like your father," she smiled.

"Well, I do have his stubbornness, no getting rid of that, it's in our genes. And God knows I tried to be like him. Thankfully it didn't take. I merely tried to live by some of his standards by being the person I was. And thank God for my mother influence. She never let me get away with anything! Her temper, though rarely shown, was worse than my father's was! In fact, one of the reasons I fell in love with your mother was because she had a fiery temper like my mother's."

Jacob suddenly started to laugh. And while he was laughing, he didn't look so tired anymore. His eyes were filled with a joy Sam hadn't seen in a long time.

"What?" she asked curious to know what had brought this change over him so quickly.

"The day I met your mother, she was pissed at me because she thought I was trying to take her cab from her. I was in a hurry to get back to the base and my mind was preoccupied because I had just been visiting my mother who was sick in the hospital. I didn't even notice this lovely blonde had hailed the same cab."

"Of course, because I happen to be wearing my uniform, Allison just went off...you know how she angry she would get sometimes. Well this was worse. I didn't learn, until later, that her father was a Marine and you and I both know the rivalry between the Airforce and Marines. So she already disliked for me."

"But anyway, here I am, standing there getting berated by this beautiful woman, with the boldest blue eyes I've ever seen, who wouldn't let me get my two words in. And I'm thinking she's either going to kick me in the balls or knock my head off if I don't let her have the cab."

"What did you do?" Sam asked excitedly.

"I kept my calm, gave her my deepest, humble apology, and held the door open for her. Then I gave the cab driver money for her fair, which caught her completely off guard. Then suddenly she's apologizing to me for getting so angry and offered to share the cab."

"Did you take it?" Sam asked while he was taking a drink of water.

Jacob smiled at her.

"Dad!"

"Of course I took it! I had the cab driver take us to her destination first, even though it was way of my way. By the time the cab reached her apartment I had asked her out for a date. She accepted. Which made getting chewed out for being late by my CO much more tolerable."

Sam watched as her father's smile brightened. It made her realize that he still love Allison very much, even to this day.

"You still miss her."

"Yes," he said softly.

"Why haven't you ever talked about her before? You've never talked about her ever since she died."

"I was afraid to," he said looking directly at her. "Your brother made it clear he blamed me for Allison's accident. While you weren't vocal about it, I could see the accusation in your eyes. That bridge between us was already so far that I didn't want to push you both any further away. It took years before you forgave me...shit look how long it took with Mark."

"While my blending with Selmak has been the best thing that could have happened to me I still couldn't talk to about your mother. We were finally becoming a family again, maybe not the same family but still a family. I didn't want to spoil that by digging up old feelings and memories of your mother."

Sam hated to admit it but he had a point.

Her mind was working, he could tell. Sam would get the tiniest little wrinkle in her brow whenever her mind was working overtime.

"You look so much like your mother," he sighed. "Same eyes, same hair...same fiery temper."

"Dad!"

"You even have her laugh."

She quit laughing but kept smiling at him. She had her mother's smile too.

"What is it?" he asked knowing there was something she wanted to ask him.

"On Netu...there's something I'm still confused about. I know you felt helpless because you couldn't protect Selmak but who was the woman with you."

Jacob slowly scratched the stubble on his cheek, contemplating his answer.

"You're not going to let me get off easy with this one are you?" he asked.

"No," she smiled devilishly at him.

There was no avoiding it now. He already told her about his childhood. Why not this.

Clearing his throat, he replied honestly, "There was no woman."

Sam blinked in surprise.

"I'm don't understand."

"Well...they say symbiotes don't have a gender, which is true. Physically a symbiote is neither male nor female. But what the Tok'ra don't tell you, and will never admit even if hell freezes over, is that symbiotes do have their preferences."

"Oh," Sam smiled. "And Selmak...?"

"Selmak is definitely a woman," he laughed. "In fact, I'm the first male host she's ever blended with. Can you imagine her predicament? Hundreds of years being a woman then you're thrown into a guy like me!"

"That must have made it very interesting when you blended!"

"You have no idea!" he said with a big smile.

"What?" Sam asked when Jacob suddenly chuckled.

"Let's just say that in certain situations it comes in handy having that woman's point of view."

"Dad!"

"It's not what you think," he smiled. "I haven't crossed that bridge yet. Neither has Selmak. But don't think for a second that I've had any influence on her! There is absolutely no way to make a dent in those hundreds of years she spent being in a woman's body. No way in hell."

"Then...why do you refer to Selmak as 'he'?"

"To cut down on the confusion for others and so no one will think I'm NUTS! I'm mean, can you just see me, a two star no nonsense retired General/Tok'ra operative, calling my symbiote a female to the likes of Colonel O'Neill or George. I wouldn't even call her a female amongst the other Tok'ra! But don't worry about her, you should here the shit she gives me every time I call her a him."

Sam smiled taking hold of his hand.

"You love her."

"Yes, I love the little snake. It's hard not to, she's in my head all the time. She has a fiery temper too. And a wonderful sense of humor. But all of this is just between you, Selmak, and I understand? If a rumor gets out that cranky old Jacob Carter love's his spunky symbiote, who scream's 'I am woman hear me roar,' I'm done for!"

"Don't worry dad!" Sam laughed uncontrollably. "It's our secret!"

"Good...so what does a guy have to do around here to get some food to eat? I'm starving!"