Chapter 1
My name is Stephanie Plum, formerly a lingerie buyer for the now-defunct E.E. Martin, and currently a bounty hunter. I'm not a very good bounty hunter, but I always get my man, and I'm at least better at this than I was at buying lingerie. The only things I'm worse at are cooking, and relationships.
My relationships are always awful, convoluted, and never simple. For instance my on again off again relationship with Joe Morelli, which had begun at the age of six and some how had never passed that maturity level, except for the addition of sex. Then there was my scum bag ex-husband, appropriately named Dickie, whose greatest exploit was buffing our 4-month old dining room table with my the butt of my arch-nemesis Joyce Bernhardt. And most recently, there is Ranger, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, my tutor, my friend, and for one amazing night my lover.
Morelli and Ranger are the two men in my life currently. Morelli is safe, I know him, I know our relationship, I know the patterns and the routines. Ranger is a huge freaking question mark. And lately, Morelli and I seem to be trapped in "an unhealthy pattern" as Ranger termed it, of fighting and breaking up and making up and fighting and more breaking up. We just can't keep it together- we've had this routine for too long. Morelli wants a wife and kids, with me playing the role of June Cleaver. And it's just not going to happen, not for a long time. I want to be Wonder Woman while he wants, and needs, Wonder Wife. I love him, but not enough to give up my life for that future.
Not that my life is that great; I get stalked, beaten up, and threatened on an almost daily basis, but I'm making a difference. I think that should count for something.
Okay, normally, I don't think this much about my relationships this early in the morning, (ok, so it's almost 11 am, but I just woke up and I'm kind of hung over. Give me a break) but my cousin Haley was in an even worse bind, and was going to want my sage advide when she woke up.
I put the finishing touches on my make up, and headed to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine and sugar. I was on my second cup when Haley padded out of the bedroom, yawning. To her it was only 9, so she had a good excuse.
"Hey Steph. Please tell me you left me a donut," she whined.
"Two even."
"I profess my undying love!" She sighed and pounced on the unsuspecting box.
"About last night, pixie," I started hesitantly. "I... um, I really don't know what to say." She looked at me intently, though she kept chewing the donut. "Except that, well, I think Dom was right. I think maybe you need time. Maybe not two years, but it's a good idea all the same. You definitely aren't ready to deal with marriage."
Haley nodded. "I kind of thought so," she replied sadly. "I can't even get jealous. I'm a total failure. Maybe I really am an Ice Princess." I rolled my eyes.
"You aren't an Ice Princess. You just don't love him-" I shook my head when she started to protest. "You care about him. You like him. You don't love him... at least not enough."
She glared at me, but it was half-hearted. "Fine... so what are you doing today?"
"I need to go to the office, and see if there are any new skips."
"Mind if I tag along?"
"I am not taking you out and getting you in danger chasing some stupid criminal!" I told her. "Your mom would put a hit out on me."
Haley laughed. "She wouldn't. She probably doesn't even know what one is. And I just meant to the office. And I was hoping we could go see Great Aunt Edna." Wow, she had to be one of the few people who wanted to see my Grandma Mazur...
"Sure. I'll drop you off with my parents for the afternoon. You might even get to meet Valerie and her girls." I had to grin at Haley's pained expression.
"Valerie's home? Maybe I should help you chase a skip. Or two. You know, ones with weapons..."
"You can't still be scared of her?"
Haley's eyes widened to the size of platters. "She's evil!" I burst out laughing at the utter conviction in her voice.
"And I thought I was the evil one..."
"Steph, you were a hellion and all, but Val," she shuddered, "Val was evil."
"Just because she made you play tea parties and clean things..."
"I think I have psychological scars. I get panicked from the smell of Pledge..."
An hour later we were ready to head out and face the day. Except I had forgotten to mention my current mode of transportation.
"Oh. My. God. Is that what I think it is?" Haley asked, eyeing Big Blue like I usually did deranged psychos.
"Haley, meet Big Blue," I said as calmly as I could.
"Uncle Sandor's Great Blue Beast!" she said laughing. "This is awful! You do have bad car karma," she said, gasping for air between giggles. I rolled my eyes and counted to ten.
"I haven't had time to get a new car," I told her after the suitable interval.
"Maybe we should get that done... this monstrosity cannot be good for your bad ass bounty hunter image," she said, slipping into the passenger seat. No arguments from me.
Thankfully the rest of the trip went by quietly, with only the occasional smirk from my companion.
When we pulled up out front, my eyes locked on the black Mercedes at the curb. Haley was almost drooling over it. "Niiiiice car," she drawled.
"Ranger," I said. "He has a ton of cars. All expensive, new, and black."
"Cool. He's like MIB or something?"
"Or something," I told her as we walked into the lair. Connie looked up from painting her nails, and Lula put down the Vogue she had been perusing. "Girl!" Lula yelled. "Where you been all week? And who's Mini-Me?" Haley was staring at Lula, who was clad in a hunter orange halter top, white capris, white 4 inch stilettos, and nails that matched her top. There were even bright orange and white streaks in her hair.
"I love your top! That color looks really good on you!" Haley squealed, rushing forward to inspect the almost-radioactive nails. "I wish I could pull of that shade of orange... who does your nails? They're fabulous!"
"Lula, this is my cousin Haley," I said while Haley had Lula's hand and was turning it so the rhinestones caught the light. "She just got into town last night."
"Oh," Lula said and grinned. "Mini Me, you gotta go get your nails done by my girl Nonny down the street. She is the best! Always takes her time, and doesn't skimp on the topcoat neither."
Haley nodded solemnly. "It's hard to find a good manicurist, you know." She looked down at her own manicured nails. "I don't wear acryllics too well, but it's still hell keeping nails looking good."
"Damn skippy!" Lula sympathized. "We'll get you fixed up," she added pointing out a chip in Haley's polish. "I could call Nonny right now!"
"Oh wow, really? That would be great!" my cousin gushed. "Do you get your hair done there, too? I really want blue in my hair, but the lady at home is so conservative, she'll never do it."
"Blue would go real well with your complexion," Lula said thoughtfully, "and it'd bring out your eyes too. I'll have Nonny get you a time with Shaniqua too." She was reaching for the phone. I just stared and turned to Connie, seeking confirmation of what I had just witnessed.
Connie shook her head. "Probably she won't take her shopping," she told me. I looked from my Day-Glo friend to my preppy mini-skirt clad cousin.
"Probably Haley would just pass out from culture shock if she did," I said doubtfully. "Any new skips for me?" I asked to change the subject.
Connie handed me some files. I flipped through them. Nothing too hard. Mooner had apparently forgotten his court date as usual, and Eulah hadn't shown up for hers either. The third was one Victor Reilly, arrested for drunk and disorderly... in the company of a goat. Ah, Vinnie's long lost soulmate. I was thankfully distracted from further contemplation by a familiar tingle along my spine. Ranger must be leaving Vinnie's office. I turned to confirm my suspicion. Yep. The man in black was walking out of the weasel's den. I smiled at him. He gave the tiny hint of movement that passed for a Ranger smile.
"Babe," he said softly. "You look tired." I nodded to where Lula and Haley were sitting.
"It was a long night," I said and thought again about Haley's predicament. Ranger nodded, and looked like he was about to say something when Haley, momentarily escaping Lula while she was on the phone, came over smiling brightly.
"Hey, Ranger," she said. "Nice car."
"Thanks," he replied, watching her curiously.
"What do you think Stephie," she turned to me. "Blue or purple streaks?"
"Your mom is going to kill you," was the only thing I could think to say.
"Nah. It's a perk of being an only child. She'll just rampage for a while." Haley paused and looked thoughtful. "My step dad might ship me off to a third world country, but then mom would really be on a war path, so I'm covered," she said dismissing the idea, and turned back to Ranger. "What's your vote?"
"Blue," he said. My jaw dropped. Oh. My. God. Freaking hell! Did Batman just tell my cousin to get blue hair? Ranger looked at my face and grinned. The full 1000 watt grin. And I forgot what I was shocked about. Maybe I should dye my hair blue...
Haley laughed. "Thanks!" And walked back to Lula, leaving me to stare at Ranger by myself.
He shook his head at me, and gently pushed my jaw up with his index finger. "It's not nice to stare, babe," he whispered with a smirk. Then he walked out the door.