Chapter 2 When Haley Met Sally
An hour later we were parking behind a bright yellow bus in a quiet neighborhood of row houses that had seen a few better days. After Ranger had left, Lula announced that Sally Sweet and the Lovelies had a gig at a new club downtown so Haley had begged me to meet him, saying it was a perfect time. As usual Haley won. I tried not to feel too nervous as we made our way up to the front door. Oddly I was more worried that Sally wouldn't like Haley than vice versa, probably because Haley had a tendency to like anything bright and shiny, so Sally's fondness for sequins and rhinestones meant she'd love him, but then again... I rang the doorbell.
"Hang the fudge on, people!" I heard Sally bellow from inside the house, a few moments before he swung the door open. He gave a very good melodramatic gasp of shock. "Dudette!" he said happily.
"Hi, Sally!" I yelped as he enveloped me in a rib-crunching bear hug.
"Hey Steph! How the freak are ya?" Apparently the rubber band had had some success, I realized as I glanced at his wrist. Looked like the welts were almost healed.
"Pretty good." I turned to Haley, who was gaping at the tall, hairy, evening gown-clad transvestite. Sally was staring back.
"Wow, dudette! You have a fucking mini-me!"
Haley stomped a delicate foot. "What is with the mini me comments?! We don't look that much alike! And I'm not that freaking short!" Sally shook his head in disbelief.
"Sally, this is my cousin Haley. Haley this is my hero and savior, Sally Sweet," I said, taking Sally's arm and doing my best 'smitten damsel' impersonation. Haley grinned.
"Pleased to meet you, Sally," she said, then paused for a moment before stepping forward and hugging him. "Thanks for saving my favorite cousin."
"Aw, fuck," Sally said looking sheepish. "It wasn't nothing, little dudette." Haley laughed and pulled away. I was just trying not to stare too hard. Where was a Polaroid when you needed one? Abercrombie poster girl hugs cross dressing night club singer. If only the UN worked so well.
"The hell it is! You should have songs written about you and stuff... and where did you get the dress? It rocks!"
"Thanks. There's this fuckin' awesome shop down on Sherman, you ought to check it out." He glanced at my everyday uniform of jeans, stretchy tee, and Docs. "Maybe take your big cus here with you. And you two could drop by Club Underground tomorrow night..."
"I heard about the new gig!" I said. "I was gonna ask if you minded us dropping in to see you," I added, smiling.
"Fucking A, dudette! Do I ever fudging mind?" Sally replied. "I'll tell the crew to let you fuckin backstage and everything! I mean" he added, laughing, "you are my fudging damsel in distress, right? It's like the least I can do." I rolled my eyes at him.
"Yeah," Haley said grinning, "I heard you even beat out Rambo and Supercop!"
"Actually it was Batman and Morelli," Sally corrected her. "Nothing super about that dude," he said dismissively. Sally hates Morelli with a passion, though I've never figured out why, really.
.Haley nodded sagely, as if she understood the sentiment. "You busy this afternoon, Sally? Steph and I were going to go shopping, and I figure you could help us pick out some clubbing outfits."
"Nope. I was gonna work on some seating arrangements for the wedding, but fucking shopping with the Bombshell Bounty hunter and Mini Me is a fuckin' awesome invitation!" Shit! Not that I didn't want to hang out with Sally. After all, I owed him in a pretty huge way, but I hadn't really planned on shopping this afternoon. I had wanted to drop by Joe's place and see if he was calmed down yet. We hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms after that little ultimatum. Actually, I had grabbed my purse and stormed out, calling him a few less-than-endearing terms along the way. I wouldn't have been concerned normally but thinking about Haley's predicament had me thinking about my own and seeing some damned uncomfortable similarities. I needed to talk to him, and soon.
"Um, guys, I was gonna drop by Joe's and..."
"Fuckin A, dudette! That cop ain't worth the time of fuckin' day! This is important- we gotta get you something fuckin hot to wear tomorrow!"
"Damn skippy!" Haley said with an impish grin. I sighed. It was no use. Sally hated Morelli, and I was afraid Haley felt pretty much the same way, if only because of Morelli's similarities to Alec.
"All right, let's go."
"Let me just go slip into something more wearable," Sally insisted, and disappeared to change. I was praying he wouldn't come out in anything with a skirt or heels. As it turned out he chose a remarkably normal pair of khakis and a T-shirt, with a pair of hoop earrings. "We can take my car," he said, dangling the keys. Beside me I heard Haley give a sigh of relief. My feelings might have been hurt if I hadn't agreed with her sentiments wholeheartedly.
I realized on the ride to the mall that it had been stupid to worry about Sally not liking Haley. It turned out that the two of them became fast friends, bonding quickly over their mutual love of the stage, high heels, and all things sparkly. Their bonding also led to terrible revelation: Haley had been to countless bars and a few concerts, but she'd never been to an actual club, so Sally and I decided to take it on ourselves to ensure she had a nice wardrobe to choose from whilst club hopping. Needless to say, this was a very long and involved process, so I didn't make it over to Joe's that night. In fact we barely made it back to Sally's place, where we ordered pizza for ourselves, and became hypnotized by the horror of Lifetime Movies. Haley was sound asleep curled up by Sally before the main character even realized she was pregnant. I made it all the way until she found out that her boyfriend was about to become her stepbrother and was so overcome by emotions that I fell into a deeply troubled sleep.
I dreamed that my father had married Angie Morelli and Grandma Mazur drugged Ranger with Rohypnol to shanghai him off to Las Vegas. I awoke to the complete confidence that I would never ever watch another Lifetime Movie, and the smell of a chocolate donut being waved under my nose. Haley was grinning down at me with an impish gleam in her eyes. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty! Did you know you talk in your sleep?"
"Wha..." I mumbled, grabbing the donut, then sighing in contentment as the chocolate goodness eased my mind and wiped away the horrible images.
"Yeah, all we had to do is ask you a question and you..." her words finally registered. Oh my god! What had I said? What did they ask?! I was going to kill her. I swallowed the last of the donut, gave Haley my best Burg glare, and lunged. Haley's eyes widened and she shrieked as I hit her full force, sending us both tumbling to the ground.
It took a few minutes, but I finally got her in a headlock. She was a lot tougher than she looked! But just as I was going to begin the interrogation, Sally came in to tell us there were chocolate eclairs to be had. "What the fuck?" he asked, seeing the two of us on the floor. "Do I need to get a fucking hose?" he said, with only a half serious face. Chocolate eclairs or a hose? Hm, such a hard choice... The interrogation could wait.
"Sally, you really are my hero!" I said, standing up and leaving my cousin to her own devices. Sally just grinned.
"I got some wedding planning stuff I gotta get done, so just lock up on your way out, ok?" he said. "We start playing at ten! And for fuck's sake, remember the fitting tomorrow!" he added on his way out the door. I shook my head and dove into the eclairs. They were delicious. I sighed as the sugar washed away all my bad feelings toward the world in general. It was a few minutes before Haley joined me.
"Steph?" Haley said quietly. "What if... um, I mean, what if I wanted to stay?"
"What?" I asked absently, swallowing the last of my éclair.
"What if I wanted to stay here? Not permanently, you know, just for a while until I figure things out?"
I stared at her. Stay? Here? In Jersey? Wow, she was even more messed up than I thought. "You serious, Pixie?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I just need to find somewhere to live, and maybe a job or something. And a car." She grinned suddenly. "'Cause, no offense to you, bombshell chica, but the Blue Beast does not at all match my aura, ya know?" I had to laugh.
"We could see if the Rollswagon is available?" I suggested with a smirk. She'd loved the stories I had told her about Dougie and Mooner.
"No. That's quite all right," she giggled. "I don't think that's a good match either."
I stopped at looked at her closely. I don't do roommates- I'd had my share of bad experiences in college, but I honestly didn't mind Haley's presence in the apartment. We both hated mornings, were reasonably messy, and although she paid more attention to health food we had similar eating habits. She didn't snore, and had shown an interest in learning how to do laundry... Besides, I kind of felt responsible for her. "Why don't you stay with me?" I asked without further deliberation.
Haley looked confused. 'But you don't do roommates?"
"Well, you're family. And we get along."
"But you're moving in a few weeks." Crap. I'd forgotten about that. After the Slayer fiasco Ranger had convinced me maybe my apartment wasn't the safest place after all. It was well known and was not secure in any stretch of the imagination, and since there was now a threat of gang retribution, maybe it would be a good thing to move to a more secure location. And what building could be more secure than one that had a staff of security personnel and played home to an assortment of ex-military commandos? Plus I could afford the rent and working more often with the RangeMan crew meant steady paychecks. And, just a few floors above me was the tantalizing thought of Ranger in that big, soft bed... oops. Better not go there. I checked for drool. Nope. I was good. I better answer Haley.
"Well, stay until then. And I'll talk to Ranger about having roommates in the new apartment. I think he'd understand. Probably he'd find it entertaining," I said, adding some sarcasm to the last word. Haley laughed.
"All right. But only if he okays it.... Thanks, Stephanie," she added with a smile. "I really don't feel ready to live on my own yet. It's scary. I don't cook, or do laundry..."
"Speaking of which, Hale, I have to know: how were you going to be a housewife?"
She snorted. "I wasn't. I was hoping to find a job as a web developer or something. Besides, you did see The Boulder didn't you? Alec could afford a maid."
Before I could enter into a discussion on the various perks of being an lady of leisure, my cell phone began singing the Batman theme song. I made a dash for my purse, catching just before it could go to voice mail.
"Yo."
"Hey, Ranger." I debated asking him then and there, but decided against it.
"Got a job for you, Babe."
"What kind of job?"
"Just some surveillance. You up for it?" Ugh. Surveillance sucked. It was like Chinese water torture, minus the water and with Cheese Doodles. But there hadn't been many skips lately and I needed money for a down payment on a new car.
"Of course. When and where?"
"I'll pick you up tomorrow night at eight." Click.
I sighed. Someday someone was really going to have to teach Batman how to say good bye. "Hey, I have to work tomorrow night. You gonna be okay by yourself?" I asked as Haley flopped onto the couch beside me.
Haley looked at me seriously. "You aren't babysitting me anymore, Steph. I'll be fine. I could always call Sally or Lula and see what they're up to."
Oh, god! My cousin, the country club poster child, and she was debating whether to hang out with a transvestite or a former hooker who believed neon spandex to be the only true fashion... Her parents were going to kill me.
"Or maybe I'll land a date for tomorrow with some hottie I meet in the club," Haley said wistfully. I laughed.
"Careful. Club lighting can be tricky."
"Like bar lighting?"
"Pretty much." I glanced down at my cell phone to check the time. "Let's go home, get cleaned up. I have a couple skips I should go look for anyway."
"Look out world," Haley laughed, jumping to her feet.
We had just gotten into Big Blue and I'd turned onto the street when Haley turned in her seat to face me, an unholy gleam in her eye. "So, did Ranger deliver on that promise? Did it ruin you?"
I almost swerved into oncoming traffic. I saw spots dancing in my vision. Omigod!
"Uh, what are you talking about, Haley?" I asked her, correcting my steering and praying I had misheard her.
"You heard me. And don't even try playing dumb. I am the champion of the dumb blond routine- it doesn't work," she said, her eyes narrowed. "Now, spill."
"Umm..."
"I'll let it slip to Valerie."
Oh god. My chest felt tight. She would too, I knew it. "You're evil."
"Not my fault," she said with a laugh. "It's genetic." No point in arguing that one.
"Well, I don't know how to answer the question," I told her honestly as we pulled into my parking lot and I all but jumped out of the Buick. Haley was around the car and had me frozen before I had even gotten five steps. I was trapped in the Cheerleader Death Glare. She simply studied me for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"Oh, Stephie. You are ruined. You just don't know it yet," she said between fits of laughter. I bristled. I was not. I was perfectly in control- I'd even had sex with Morelli since then. Hadn't I? Umm... Yes I had. Oh god. I had to think about it! That can't be good. Morelli sex is wonderful, Morelli-induced orgasms are out of this world, it's just that- that- damn it. It's the shower gel. Has to be the shower gel. And those muscles. And those lips. And that feeling... Shit. Haley was right. The world was tilting at an odd Twilight Zone sort of angle and I was ruined by Batman...
As if sensing my distress, my cousin and tormentor pulled her bags out of the back seat. "Should I wear those new black shoes with the gladiator ties or just some strappy sandals?" Ah. Shoes. Think about shoes. Much better. I can breathe again...
There was a night out to get ready for. Time for shoes, make-up, hair- all those things I could deal with.