Playing with Sakura by Shinzona
Disclaimers:
Is Clamp selling some shares in X and TB? I want to own a bit of those works, but I don't have the money, I'm still a college student...sigh
Anyway, thanks to the persons who reviewed this fic! That really gives me courage to develop the story further! Suggestions are always welcome. Gomen for not updating this fic any sooner!
Thanks to Purple Cloud for beta-reading.
Round 3: secretly guessing
"...well?..."
"...what?..."
"You know what I'm asking you."
"Do I?"
"Come on! You're hiding something!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Hokuto-chan."
"You know what I'm talking about! Say something!"
"Like what?"
"Argh! Tell me, tell me. I want to know!"
"There's NOTHING to know."
"If you say it like that, then there MUST be something going on!"
"Is that so? You're just imagining things, Hokuto-chan. You should ask for an appointment with Seishiro-san."
"And why's that?"
"Well, it's perfectly clear that you're suffering from hallucinations. And pestering your poor little brother about it is affecting his health, you know."
"Subaru-chan! Stop playing games with me. As your big sister I demand you to tell me the full story and every detail."
"And as clan head I'm ignoring this."
"Fine. And besides, Seishiro-san's a vet, he treats 'animals'..."
"My point exactly..."
This type of inquisition with Hokuto-chan went on until I was all exhausted and couldn't hear myself think anymore. She can be so persistent at times! We finished after she threatened telling everything to grandmother. Protectively, I kept my stoic self and buried myself in lies. I would have told her about my 'findings' just to put me out of 'my' misery.
But salvation didn't come. I bit on my teeth and went on with the denial by applying effective meditating techniques. They appeared to be working but my mind wasn't at ease at all. Hokuto-chan would eventually accuse me of treachery due to my lies. Denial and lies are all the same, she would stubbornly point out. Are they really?
If you don't choose to tell the 'truth', is it a lie? Or is it just postponing the truth for a more suited time? Telling a lie is obediently telling something totally different than the 'truth'. Denial is choosing not to answer a particular question. Is it considered being a lie? I chose not to choose...
Well, I'll find out her reactions when I eventually will spit my guts. She would have known it sooner if she hadn't barged in like she did a couple of hours ago in Seishiro-san's cabinet. It's her own fault! I was so demotivated I wanted to vanish into oblivion and pretend this meeting with Seishiro-san never, ever, existed. Even puppy Ebony started to bark madly at her and didn't stop until Seishiro-san calmed her with his forced upon care. Occasionally I even doubt we're twins. Hokuto-chan...
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"SUBARU-CHAN! SUBARU-CHAN! Over here!"
We for example differ in the noisy-factor... gosh Hokuto-chan! Why do you insist on everyone to notice you? And targeting all that raw energy at me. I hate it when you do that. Envy would be more suited to describe what I'm feeling. I wish I was more upfront and open about my instincts. Well, forcing them to come out isn't an option. In time maybe, I'll destroy my inner barriers. But not now. I'm not ready for this, yet. Creating a stable personality from the inside is my top priority. You can act for the both of us and let it all out, Hokuto-chan. I don't mind the genkiness as long as I don't drown in it from exhaustion.
"Ah Hokuto-chan, what are you doing here?"
"Well, I couldn't abandon my poor little brother while he was working extremely hard for our clan. And to recompense you for it, I brought you a little surprise. You'll love it! Ah, I'm so proud of my ideas! I should write a book!"
"Euh ...about what, Hokuto-chan?"
"Here's your prize!"
"W-what are you talking about, Hokuto-chan? What present?"
"You'll adore it! You can thank me later! But before you can receive your present properly and untie the beautiful ribbons, I'll give you a small clue of what your present is about! It'll be so much fun to see you guessing your present! Let's see? Listen carefully, cos I won't repeat it twice, little brother! Firstly, it's not an object! Well, you can debate on it if you want..."
"A present, Hokuto-chan?"
"Yes, sleepy head! A present for you! Come on, guess what it is! It's not an object! HAHA!"
"...nani? If it's not an 'object', then it's...a 'subject', like in a 'person'?..."
"Verrrrry gooood, Subaru-chan! You're so clever when activating those magical brain cells once in a while! I'm proud of being your sister. Can you put your finger on your present yet?"
What is she babbling about? My vision is blurring a bit. Hokuto-chan's voice's fading out. I'm listening to her but her words aren't getting through me. Why is this bubble preventing me to reach her? What's happening to me? It feels like I'm loosing grip on reality.
Focus, Subaru, focus. I'm closing my eyelids just to gain a bit of self-control. I don't want my sister to see me unbalanced again, like in Seishiro-san's cabinet. I don't want another lecture from her. I clench my fists and forcefully open my eyes. My mind is going frantic. I'm going frantic.
"Hokuto-chan. What is 'it'? I don't want to play this ridiculous game. Tell me!"
"Neh, Subaru-chan, why are you losing your patience? Nonetheless, I'll give you another clue. Your prizie's dangerously handsome, is very tall and dresses elegantly. Quite a match I would say."
"I don't have time for this. I must prepare for my late night shift in the Tower..."
"Please, let me accompany you, Subaru-kun."
"..." Seishiro-san? What the heck are you doing here! Damn, my list of troublesome elements has just gotten a bit longer. Just look nice and act polite. There's nothing he can do. Perhaps he'll vanish in a couple of minutes and return to whatever he was attending to. Don't stay here, Seishiro-san. I don't want you here too close to me. Your mere presence is affecting my self-esteem. Especially in front of Hokuto-chan. Her suspicions will grow for sure when she'll unravel my strange acting in front of you.
"SUBARU-CHAN! Seishiro-san's your PRESENT! Isn't that wonderful! You can lend him for the rest of the day...and the night!"
"H-Hokuto-chan! I'm n-not...!"
"Hush, little brother! You can thank me later! And don't leave Sei-chan standing there like a lost lamb! He has needs you know."
"Don't worry, Hokuto-chan, I'm not waiting for Subaru-kun to respond. Yet. He's under severe shock, I shouldn't have stumbled on him that harshly. I'll be more considerate in the future, Subaru-kun. By the way, you look so cute today. Is that a new outfit? It looks so good on you and matches your eyes perfectly."
"...arigato, Seishiro-san..." Why can't I get through the formalities and say something more constructive? It's like something is blocking my vocal cords to let anything with deeper meaning to resound any further. Is it a lock attached on the entrance of my mouth? Has anyone got a spare key? Crap, I'm blushing. Again. But the dizziness has faded away. Strange, it happened when I became aware of Seishiro-san's presence. How can that be? Is it a coincidence?
"Sei-chan! You bought some ice-cream! How thoughtful of you! You act like a true gentleman."
"Hokuto-chan, I hope Subaru-kun likes cherry ice-cream. In case Subaru would develop a dislike for it, I put vanilla, pistachio, banana, coconut, praline, dame-blanche and strawberry flavoured ice-cream in case Subaru-kun doesn't like cherry ice-cream. As garniture you'll find a couple of chocolate sprinkles, glace cherries and to finish this cone, there's even a little blackberry on top of it."
"Waaaah! Sei-chan! That looks delicious! Have you forgotten the whipped cream!? Subaru-chan's crazy about it! You haven't forgotten it, neh?"
"Don't worry, Hokuto-chan, it's there, on the right side hidden encircling the dame blanche one. And thank you for complementing me for my courtesy. Your radiance embellishes the entire place and don't let me mention that brilliant smile of yours."
"HOHOHO, Sei-chan, you're so accurate in wording! I'm intrigued why any other girl didn't kidnap you earlier? But now you're settled, right, with Subaru-kun?"
"And I'm fully devoted to him, and only him!"
"You're so right! You should follow your dreams and vanquish all obstacles! And to make your struggle more worthy...where's my ice-cream? You didn't forget your sister-in-law's ice-cream, I hope?"
"Oh, gomen Hokuto-chan, I'll go get another one, I've only bought 2 ice-creams. One for Subaru-kun and one for me."
"Don't worry about it. If you don't mind I'm longing for the taste, so I'm just going to lick..."
Back to reality. NOW! I am NOT seeing this. Step away from my sister, Seishiro-san! And you, Hokuto-chan, what's that attitude? Pain. My eyes are burning. Why are they torturing me like that? Don't they see I'm boiling inside? I'm going to have a core breach any minute. Evacuate! While they're having the time of their lives, I, on the contrary I'm stuck with this developing headache.
A cruel dilemma.
Who's that man? Who's Seishiro Sakurazuka? I still haven't gotten an answer to my question. My suspicions aren't well founded. I know I met a certain man with the same dark and intimidating aura, but if it's the same person, it has somehow altered. In the sensitive and oppressed way. It's like the signature's the same but the package's been altered somehow. How is that possible? I don't know. I must extract those answers out of him.
But not here. Not like this. And with my sister suffocating me, I won't breathe any words through my mouth. Is she also plotting against me? About learning the truth? No, she's instead totally ignorant about it. She's totally unaware and keeps chatting with that mysterious person. Shamelessly playing along as I'm silently crumbling inside.
It's saddening me even more because Hokuto and I never kept anything from each other. Due to our blood, we synchronically shared almost everything. Now, I'm breaking that habit by being more secretive as I could be with my reserved nature. Before, Hokuto-chan wouldn't take any pleasure out of letting me go with secrets wandering inside my head. On the contrary, she would have them exposed so she can analyse them to the fullest. She would openly dig like an effective detective.
Those days are gone. We're growing apart. And I'm the first to notice it. Recklessly, I've paved that alternate and lonesome route with its primal deciding stone. A small wall erected with a first secret brick. In the past, Hokuto-chan and I never faced to such a problem before. We always looked alike and naturally complemented each other.
Nonetheless, Hokuto-chan respects me. She would never inquire me about my work or the duties forced upon me as clan head. It was rarely an issue, but for the rest, such as with Seishiro-san, she doesn't stop, nothing could stop her. Social matters are her area and she's proudly wearing the role of the queen at match-making.
Now that I think about it... She doesn't know that my weird attitude is caused by Seishiro-san's presence. The deeper meaning of this affair is escaping her detective senses? Suspicions towards Seishiro-san haven't risen yet? Or is my sister waiting for me to completely open up to her like in our childhood? Therefore, she's indirectly respecting my decisions. Or is she provoking me by showing a perverted display with Seishiro-san? Is indifference is putting on a new show unlike this morning's feisty argue with my sister?
Is Seishiro-san clumsily enjoying himself? I don't know how to interpret his attitude towards my sister and me...
The view from the building is breathtaking. I've never imagined this kind of heights could have this effect on someone's mind. Looking up the window, it's like having the world at your feet. But then again, when looking down, the world is indeed at your feet.
Those tiny spots, travelling at different speed, are they really people? No, they ought to be more. Each dot carries the burden of its own story... just like me... just like Seishiro-san.
Just like ours.
Everything seems so much simpler from above. Does that red spot know there's a traffic jam around the corner? Maybe he will be late for an important rendezvous or so. Knowing things others don't, does it make you superior? It certainly provides you with a tool to help others.
Or it gives you an advantage in times of threat. Threat... Seishiro-san... I'm still wrestling with the knowledge I think I detain about you... I'll just have to gather heaven's strength and ask you straightaway. I can do this.
Following the steps of those little parts of life makes my head spin around. Whoa... the height is a bit too much to handle. But looking around at eye-level in the Tower won't help me focus either: another source of dizziness is lurking around me.
I want to leave. But I'm stuck in this oversized Tower. Stuck with his piercing gaze unbalancing me without any notice.
I want to be somewhere else. I can't stand the coldest confusion...at night.
But something's surrounding me. Embracing me with its loving affection.
"Subaru-kun?"
"H-hai, Seishiro-san?"
"Did you like your cherry ice-cream? Wasn't it too sweet?"
"No, Seishiro-san...I liked it, I mean I liked the sweet taste very much..."
"I'm happy you liked it. Is cherry your favourite flavour?"
"...yes, it is actually..."
"It's mine too. I'm so glad that we've found some common ground.
It's so magnificent."
"...w-what is...?"
"You've never visited Tokyo Tower at night, Subaru-kun?"
"No, I never did."
"There's a first time for everything. I'm glad you shared it with me then."
"I am too, Seishiro-san. Tell me, Seishiro-san, why do you particularly like Tokyo?"
"The view is so wonderful especially at night. I admire this city. Did you notice that Tokyo radiates more with life when the sun vanishes?. It's as if the day is covering this intimate bounding with its inhabitants. The night lets Tokyo breathe and sets it free in a certain way. You can smell it at the cool night air. It deeply drifts into your skin leaving a memorable sensation. Look. You can almost reach each of those tiny lights stretched across the city as if they we're reaching out to you."
"...yes, it's lovely."
"But I mostly prefer Tokyo because it isn't aware about its slow decline..."
"...Seishiro-san..."
"Oh, Subaru-kun, are you cold? I should have informed you that temperature could drop rapidly and without warning. The air can be very chilly for the skin if not properly dressed. And I see you're only wearing a jacket."
"I'm fine, just a bit..."
"Let me feel your hands...see, I'm spot on! You're freezing! Even though you're wearing gloves I can feel that iciness radiating from you."
"..."
"Gosh, you're trembling. Here have my coat. There, doesn't it feel better?"
"...a-arigato, Seishiro-san."
"Let me feel those hands again. Ah, you're warming up, that's excellent!"
"Yes, it feels good."
"Being here feels good too. Even though the view's overwhelming, this feeling of completion is mostly rewarded to the perfect company, Subaru-kun."
"Y-you really think that?"
"Of course, Subaru-kun."
"B-but why? I mean how do you...?"
"Because I enjoy your company. Don't you, Subaru-kun?"
"...Seishiro-san, I wanted to ask you..."
"My! Look at the time! It's past 3 am! You surely must be exhausted. And don't you have to wake up early tomorrow? And I wouldn't dare imaging a worried Hokuto-chan questioning where you are right now. Come, Subaru-kun, let me accompany you to your apartment."
"..."
Seishiro-san...why am I always speechless around you?
I don't understand how you can exert this amount of power on me while draining every resistance out from me. Everything I believed during my entire life is left washed upon the seashore while I sink in this immense ocean conquered by your rules.
I can't take this any longer! I'm at wits ends! Don't smother me like that! Don't make me shout out loud for sucking my life out of me! I want to reach out, but I don't know how! Seishiro-san, give me a clue, something. I'm even asking you to help me, damn it! If I could only find the exact words to raise this delicate issue, it'll surely clear my clouded mind, but...
This is useless... I've got nothing to provoke a reaction out of you. Blinded by your unique magic you displayed for me 9 years ago, pitilessly entangles me again slowly. I should resist and break free without any difficulty, but I can't let go of you. You remember me so much of that fatal encounter...
Underneath it all, the 'hesitation' still remains and devastatingly burns my skin.
I encountered Seishiro-san 9 years ago under sakura winds, neh?
Am I right? Won't anyone tell me the truth? Who can open my eyes?
I really don't know what to believe anymore.
The only feeling I get while sensing you is that
I irrefutably belong to 'you' and only you...
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A/N: I've finished writing this chapter at exactly 1.27 am. Tomorrow's Sunday, and I'm going to sleep till late in the afternoon...I'm so exhausted. Reviews are always welcome and work as herbal tea to stimulate my dead brain cells into life...:P