Disclaimer: No, I am not Janet Evanovich. Yes, Stephanie Plum and co are her property. No, I don't plan on making a profit from this bit of madness. This is just to amuse myself and hopefully others as well.

Note: Thanks to everyone for all the support and feedback! It is so very appreciated.

B.G.L.I: No offense taken! :) I'm glad if you like this one too. I know it's a lot different, so I figured a few people would hate it. It's much more in keeping with the books, which some people prefer but others don't. I could put Caribbean Blue up now since the two stories have nothing to do with one another... and also thankyou! You definiitely know the compliments to make a writer go all pink. lol

Chapter 13

Agnes's beady dark eyes narrowed and a cruel smile twisted her thin mouth, emphasizing the frown lines. Funny, she'd looked a lot more pleasant in her photo. She took a deep breath and started to bellow.

"The coal-" she broke off mid shriek with an oddly surprised look as my arm shot up at her. I connected with her temple as hard as I could, which wasn't that much due to the awkward angle, but it was effective. She didn't even have time to move away before she keeled over sideways.

"It worked…" Haley sounded as surprised as Agnes. "Huh. I didn't think it would."

Without bothering to waste breath on figuring out what she had done that worked so surprisingly well we both resumed our efforts to scramble out of the rat hole.

The other biddies were still screaming in the basement, but that couldn't last too much longer. They'd have to find our escape route in a few moments.

We tumbled out on top of one another into a graceless and painful tangle of arms and legs. Haley had kept her bad shoulder from hitting the ground but it was bleeding freely now, slowly staining her blue shirt an ominous scarlet.

It took us longer than it should have to coerce our battered bodies to get themselves upright, but I took the time to scout our surroundings. Maybe I was finally learning something from Ranger. Let's hear it for osmosis, folks.

We were both leaning against the clapboard wall of a dejected looking house situated, as far as I could tell, in the middle of nowhere. Woods were all around, slowly creeping into the sizeable but neglected yard. I nearly fainted when I spotted a possible ticket to freedom sitting not three yards away from us.

An ancient white Oldsmobile of ginormous proportions, with a dinged up front bumper. None other than the car that had nailed us earlier today… if it was still today. I looked up at the sky as if expecting divine guidance on the matter. None was forthcoming, but there were more clouds building up, darkening the sky to an ominous gray. Lovely, more rain to run through…

I thought I saw Agnes move a little. Shit, time to get moving. I knelt back down and started patting her down. I found a key, but it wasn't to a car- too small. I pocketed it and stood up, grabbing Haley in the process.

My cousin was pale as a ghost and whimpering softly, as if breathing was a painful process. I didn't want to think about all the things that could mean and just pulled her along with me as I headed for the Olds.

I nudged her toward the passenger door and ran for the driver's side. I had slid in when I saw the problem: No keys. I flipped up the arm rests, the floor mats, the visors. I even felt between the seats real quick.

A couple old antacid tablets, but no keys.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck me," I whispered. This couldn't be happening. I had a car, but I didn't know how to hot wire it and I had no keys. I was in the middle of fucking nowhere, my friend was god knew where at the mercy of psycho grannies, and my cousin was possibly suffering from internal injuries…

The rounds of gunfire shook the car. I hit the seat and felt the sharp sting as shattered glass showered down around me. Haley was in a similar position, and her face had gone from white to an unhealthy shade of gray. I didn't even know if that was an improvement or not. Fuck.

I raised my head enough to look over the door. The other two biddies were standing on the corner of the front porch taking pot shots at the passenger side.

"Be good, you little brats or we take you out now!" Mrs. McPherson yelled.

I searched around me desperately for something. Anything. A weapon, a distraction, inspiration, a nuclear warhead…

Something shiny glinted in the ashtray.

I yanked it out, and stared in awe at the object in my hand. An Oldsmobile car key dangling from a 'No. 1 Grandma' key chain. I vowed to go to Mass every Sunday for a month and maneuvered myself around to get the keys into the ignition.

Keeping my head as low as I could as the shrieking biddies and their Annie Oakley rifles really got into the new game, I turned on the engine, punched the gas and threw the thing into drive. It roared off like an angry beast, all eight cylinders jumping to life. I cranked it around as hard as I could and followed the dirt driveway out of range, keeping the gas pedal on the floor.

The back window shattered. I was pretty sure we had at least one tire out, maybe two. There was a strange thumping as we gathered speed. Oh god, what if this was they way they'd planned to get rid of us? Get us blown up in one of my stupid car explosions? No one would even think twice, they'd just figure my luck had run out and I'd taken Haley with me.

I was getting hysterical. Don't think about it, just get out of here. Focus on the present, not the what-ifs, I told myself. How to get out of here? The driveway through the woods was the only access as far as I could tell, so it looked like the only way to go.

I didn't see the main road until we were almost on it, so we took the turn on two wheels, shrieking brakes, squealing tires, and one hell of an adrenaline rush. I'm pretty sure it was emotional overload or shock, but I felt myself trying to grin. I looked over to Haley, half expecting her usual conspiratorial laugh, but found her still laying on the seat, still that disturbing shade of gray.

"Haley?"

"Stephie?" she asked weakly. "Got any idea where the hell we are?"

Good question. I looked out the windows. No signs of habitation, no road signs either. Just the pot hole-ridden black top stretching out, twisting through the gentle hills and forest. "Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto," I said, going for humor.

Haley made a painful sound that might have been meant as a laugh. "Lula?"

"No idea."

"Car. We gotta leave it. It's gonna die."

I agreed. Something was making a threatening 'clunk' in the front end, and there was something banging around in the back as well. But I wasn't going to get far on my feet and I wasn't even sure Haley could walk. We were so screwed.

The clunking in the front end got louder, and the temperature gauge was climbing toward red. My panic meter followed it closely until I was distracted by the sound of someone yelling. Someone in the trunk.

I threw an arm out to keep Haley from flying into the dash and slammed on the brakes. Sometimes hanging out with Mary Lou had its benefits as well. See, osmosis. It's all about osmosis.

"Stay still," I ordered Haley, pushing her back into the seat as I pulled off to the side.

She inclined her head just a fraction of an inch and I jumped out to check the trunk.

"Let me out of hear you no-lipped cracker granny! You older than dirt! Get me out of here or I'll bust a cap up your ass. I don' care who the fuck you are, granny or not!"

Tears of relief stung my eyes as I started fumbling with the trunk latch. "Lula!" I yelled. "It's me, Steph. Don't come out swinging ok?"

"Bout damned time!" She screamed back as the trunk popped open. Lula was tied hand and foot, wrapped up in a lurid pink and blue flowered sheet that had last been trendy circa 1973.

"Get me loose and lets get the hell outta here."

I pulled the sheet away from her and started working on the infernal knots. It was easier going this time, what with there being light and all, so it didn't take so long. Or maybe it did, time was starting to be something of a mystery to me just then.

"Haley's hurt bad, I think," I told her as I worked. "This car is almost dead. We're gonna have to walk it, but she can't walk, I'm not sure how far I can get… there was another car at that house. They'll be right behind us. So we have to do something."

"Where are we anyway?" she asked as I finally finished the knots .

"I have no clue. There's no road signs, no houses, nothing. It's just forest and road."

"Shee-it. We're screwed," Lula sighed.

"Probably."

We took a moment to look around our surroundings. There had to be something.

"So we get off the road, follow the road but stay in the brush? Like in The Lord of the Rings. That's what Frodo and them did. You know when those grim reaper things were chasin' them…"

I looked at Lula in her Via Spigas and green spandex. "Your shoes aren't gonna survive."

"Better them than me."

I nodded. "What about Haley?" Lula shrugged.

"She's tough," she said. I winced, having nothing better I could suggest.

"Let's go. Bring the sheet."

I nearly cried again when I saw Haley pull herself out of the car, relying heavily on the door for support. She was more white than gray now, which I found a little encouraging. The gray made her look like a corpse.

"Hey, Lula. Having fun yet?" she asked with a weak attempt at a smile.

"Oh yeah. I live for this shit. Only way it'd be better is if there was a third world country needed saving." Lula grabbed Haley's hand, and I took up a post on her other side.

Together we negotiated the ditch and set off into the forest as the sun lowered toward the horizon. I could hear the Wizard of Oz soundtrack playing in the back of my head: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my…